The Scars I Bare

by J. L. Berg

  I glanced over at Taylor and Jake, who were both doing a good job of minding their own business as both men looked out the window with feigned interest.

  Curiously tilting my head to the side as my attention went back to my daughter, I asked, “Why did you email Dean?”

  The side of her mouth scrunched up as she thought about it. “I told him you needed a friend,” she said. “And that Daddy had made you frown a lot, and I thought you needed someone to make you smile again.”

  My heart melted.

  “But that wasn’t the whole truth,” she said. “I wanted someone to make me smile again, too.”

  “What do you mean?”

  That same guilty face washed over her once more.

  “It’s okay, sweetheart. You can be honest with me.”

  She tried to look away again, but I turned her head back toward mine.

  “It’s just that, when you don’t smile, I don’t smile.”

  And, just when I’d thought my heart couldn’t melt any more, it liquefied all over the floor.

  “Oh, come here,” I managed to say before the tears started to roll. She curled into my lap as I wrapped my arms around her. “I’m sorry I’ve been such a terrible mom lately.”

  “But you haven’t,” she said, looking up at me with those giant brown eyes. “You keep saying you’re a horrible mom, but you’re actually the best one ever. It’s called self-doubt.”

  I let out a strangled laugh, catching Taylor doing the same. “Oh,” I said. “I didn’t know that.”

  “You need to trust yourself more, Mommy. And give yourself more credit. Or at least, that’s what the free self-help guide I downloaded from Amazon says.”

  “Did this self-help guide also tell you to email a handsome fisherman on my behalf?”

  She giggled. “Dean isn’t handsome. That’s gross. And no, not exactly. But it did say to surround yourself with people who make you happy.”

  I stroked her hair, loving my daughter more in that moment than I’d thought was possible. “And you thought that person was Dean?”

  “He makes you happy, right?”

  “Yeah, sweetheart, he does,” I answered honestly.

  Her smile beamed up at me. “Me, too.”

  She settled back into me, laying her head on my chest for the remainder of the short flight, while I thought about her words.

  “When you don’t smile, I don’t smile.”

  That kept replaying in my head.

  I’d thought I was making the right choice, choosing Lizzie and therefore Blake over Dean. Lizzie needed her father, and if Dean couldn’t handle that, I had to walk away.

  I’d thought it was a simple choice.

  “When you don’t smile, I don’t smile.”

  But I’d be giving up a lifetime of happiness.

  A lifetime of love.

  “When you don’t smile, I don’t smile.”

  Would I also be sacrificing her happiness as well?

  The moment we all stepped foot in the hospital, Jake went to work. Dean had always joked around about his best friend having two distinct sides. So far, I’d mostly only been around the doctor side of Jake Jameson. But, after I’d spent the last few days with him, witnessing him marry the love of his life and seeing him interact with mine, the stark contrast was palpable.

  Sitting in the waiting area was a foreign concept for me.

  I’d never been on the opposite end before.

  I’d never been the anxious friend or the basket-case family member waiting for news. I’d always been the one on the other side, caring for those loved ones so that there would be a next day.

  And a day after.

  Finally, after what seemed like an eternity but was probably a matter of minutes, Jake returned with news.

  “Dean’s fine,” he said, causing me to let go of the breath I’d been holding since the night before.

  “Are you sure?” I asked, Lizzie squeezing my hand with excitement.

  He nodded. “He’s a little banged up and bruised from being thrashed around in the water, and he’s tired from the lack of oxygen. But he’s good.”

  “And Blake?” I asked.

  “He’s a little more banged up. A little more bruised,” he said.

  “But?” I asked, feeling it hanging in the air.

  “He’s going to be arrested, Cora. If he’d just stolen the boat in normal weather, Taylor could decide not to press charges for stealing his truck and the boat, and the whole thing could slip under the rug.”

  “But he endangered lives.”

  “And he did so while drunk. So it’s out of Taylor’s hands. He doesn’t have a choice in the matter unfortunately.”

  I lifted my chin. “I can’t keep making excuses for him.”

  He gave an understanding nod. “Do you want to see Dean?” he asked.

  My heart leaped. “I thought you’d never ask.” Looking down at my little girl, I knew I had one stop first. “Take Lizzie with you. I’ll meet you there in a few.”

  My stomach was nothing but butterflies as I took the last few steps down the hallway toward the room Dean was in. I still remembered the first time I’d walked down this same corridor, newly hired, barely out of nursing school, nervous as could be.

  By the time Dean had shown up, I’d thought I was an old pro.

  But nothing could have prepared me for those soulful green eyes and that mesmerizing smile. I thought it was just his sad story—a poor fisherman who had lost everything to one fateful night at sea. But I was wrong.

  His memory had stayed with me through it all. The pain, the suffering, and ultimately, the strength that had risen from it all.

  He was always there.

  Calling me home.

  The door was cracked open, and I could hear the sounds of Taylor and Jake laughing as I stepped inside. They caught my movement and quieted down as I entered. Turning the corner, I saw him.

  My beautiful, broken man.

  Curled up against him was Lizzie. Like a barnacle on his side.

  “Well, I could use some coffee. You, too, Jake?” Taylor said rather loudly.

  “Oh, yes,” he replied. “Coffee sounds nice. How about you, munchkin? Hot cocoa from the coffee shop?”

  Lizzie’s eyes widened, and she hopped down off the bed. “See you later, Dean! Be right back, Mommy!”

  “Okay, honey. And, Jake?”

  “Yeah?” he said, stopping next to me before he left.

  “Do you think you can take Lizzie to see her daddy? He’s awake.”

  He looked at me before nodding, and the noise of the three of them dissipated down the hallway. Silence fell around us as I made my way up to the bed, taking a seat in the chair that’d been placed next to him.

  Dean’s eyes had followed me the whole way there. Finally, he opened his mouth to speak, but I beat him to it.

  “The other night, Lizzie was telling me about arch bridges. No doubt, she’d been up late at night, learning about them, when she should have been sleeping. Anyway, she was amazed by them; she couldn’t stop rattling off facts about these stupid bridges. And I let her because you know how she gets if she doesn’t get a chance to tell someone this knowledge she’s learned; it’s like she overheats, and then we risk her exploding in the middle of art class or something.”

  He smiled a ridiculous, handsome smile that did funny things to my already fluttery stomach.

  “Turns out, these unbelievable arch bridges date back as far as 1300 BC, and people still use them. So, I asked her how they worked. She explained that they would actually build the bridge or arch from each side, and it would only be strong or fortified when it was connected. When the two sides connected and became one. Do you see where I’m going here?”

  His brow lifted. “Not really. But I am kind of out of it. Keep going, Maybe I’ll catch on.”

  “That was an incredibly stupid thing you did last night,” I said.

  “Incredibly brave, you mean?”

  “You could h
ave been killed, Dean. You could have been snuffed out of existence just like that, and you didn’t even ask me how I felt about it. You didn’t even turn to me before you ran out the door. I mean, did it even occur to you before you leaped into that boat to, I don’t know, consult me? I thought we were a team. Or at least, headed that way. Hence, the crazy bridge talk.”

  “Is that where you were going with that?” He grinned.

  “Yeah, because after the arch is formed, it can bear all sorts of stress and stuff. Two sides becoming one. Like a team.”

  He looked down at me, that same grin plastered on his face.

  “Oh, shut up!” I threw my hands up, and he managed to grab on, holding it close to his chest. “It made sense in my head.”

  “You’d just dumped me, Cora,” he reminded me. “I figured, consultations between us were kind of on hold. At least until I could prove to you that I was willing to make an effort when it came to Lizzie’s father. I had to fight for us by first fighting for him.”

  “But, by doing so, you nearly killed yourself in the process.”

  “I’m still here,” he said. “Still here. Still dumped.”

  I bit my lip. “Right. That. Can we forget that part? Maybe strike it from the record?”

  “I’d like nothing more,” he said. “But, first, I need to say something. Or rather, a few things. I was wrong to judge you in this situation with Blake.”

  I opened my mouth to stop him, but he continued, “I know it’s been a rough situation for you, and I’ve only made it harder during the last week. I realized that last night when you said I was forcing you to choose between me and Lizzie. I never want to make you feel like you have to choose like that again because, of course, it should be Lizzie. Every time. I wouldn’t expect anything less.

  “Since you came back into my life, I spent so much time being angry over what Blake had done to you; it was hard for me to see him as anything other than what I’d made him out to be in my head. He might not deserve my respect, but I haven’t earned the right to cast him out of Lizzie’s life.”

  “You might not, but I have,” I said, causing his eyes to widen with surprise.

  “What?”

  “I’m going to file for full custody of Lizzie,” I said. “And Blake is going to, as you said, have to earn his place in Lizzie’s life. His return in our lives this week reminded me of a woman I didn’t like very much. One who made excuses for a man who didn’t deserve them. And one who allowed others to fight her battles for her.”

  “But what about Lizzie?”

  I squeezed his hand in mine. “I still believe Lizzie needs her father. But not like this. Not one who rolls in like a giant thundercloud, bringing nothing but destruction in his wake.”

  “He made a mistake.”

  I smiled. “He’s made a lot of mistakes,” I said. “And it turns out, he made even more while I wasn’t around. The reason he could be here all week? He didn’t shuffle his work schedule around. He doesn’t have one. He was fired from his own family’s law firm. His father told him to go dry out somewhere and come back when he wasn’t an embarrassment to them anymore.”

  “Ouch. So, what is he going to do?”

  “Well, for starters, he’s going to give me full custody—you know, after he gets out of jail. And then he’s going to enroll himself in rehab. I don’t even care if it’s one of those ultra-rich ones on the West Coast where they do yoga all day and drink fancy cucumber water. Whatever gets him sober. Some anger management wouldn’t hurt either. And then we’ll see.”

  “And us?” he asked hesitantly.

  I smiled, rising from my chair to curl up next to him on the bed, much like Lizzie had done just moments earlier. “Well, I was thinking we could work on getting you out of this hospital. Again.”

  “And then?”

  “And then I was hoping you might take me on a romantic tour of the island.”

  He kissed my head and ran his hand through my hair. “I thought I already did that.”

  I looked up at him, smiling. “Yes, but I’ve heard the view from the water is to die for, Captain Sutherland.”

  A soft chuckle fell from his lips as he pulled me closer. “I think that could be arranged. And then what?” he asked.

  “And then…everything.”

  “Everything?”

  I nodded. “Everything. I want it all. With you.”

  Six Months Later

  “Ready?” Taylor asked as I stared out onto the crystal-blue water, the waves gently lapping at the docks below us.

  I took a deep breath, smiling to myself. I could already hear the eager voices of children outside the office door. “Yep.”

  “Good, ’cause they’re hyper today. Better you than me. I’ll take a fishing party over that any day.”

  I chuckled, grabbing several life vests on my way out. “Suit yourself. But just remember, at the end of the day, I get Popsicles. What do you get?”

  He gave me a sly grin. “If everything goes right? A hot, single tourist in my bed. Now, go do your job.”

  I stood up straight, dropping several of the life vests to the ground, and I did my best to mimic a soldier, my left hand moving to the top of my forehead. “Yes, sir!”

  He shook his head, chuckling, as he gathered the necessary paperwork for his upcoming excursion. “You salute with your right hand, asshole.”

  Looking to my right side, currently devoid of any prosthetic, I laughed. “You love having me back. Admit it!” I said, holding my hand out wide, baring my chest, with an equally wide grin.

  “I’d love it even more if you weren’t such a smart ass about it.”

  “That’s the brother I love,” I joked, reaching down to pick up the child-sized life vests before heading out the door.

  I was flying high this week. This simple idea that I’d come up with less than a week after coming home from the hospital, still bruised from the beating I’d taken in the water, had finally come to fruition.

  And with such success.

  I never thought I’d go back into the water, but that night, I’d faced my darkest fear.

  I realized in that moment, when I bolted out the door, intent on saving Blake from his own stupidity, that, for Cora, I’d face all my demons a hundred times over.

  But out there, on that boat and in the water, I discovered just how stupid I’d been. I’d been so focused on Cora, I hadn’t thought about myself. Blake wasn’t the only stupid one that night. It was sheer luck that I managed to keep both of us afloat before the Coast Guard found us.

  I needed to retrain myself. Not only how to steer a boat, but also how to survive in the water.

  I’d been avoiding the water because I felt betrayed. But it’d had me wondering how many handicapped people out there avoided the water and all its many forms because of sheer fear.

  “Damn, you look mighty fine today, Mr. Sutherland,” I heard Cora call out.

  I looked across the street and saw her and Lizzie heading toward me. Lizzie was dressed similarly to me—bathing suit and not much else. Unfortunately, Cora was going to work and had far more on.

  I’d have to remedy that. Later.

  “There are my girls!” I hollered as both came closer. “Are you ready to be my big helper again?” I asked Lizzie, causing her to immediately nod her head with enthusiasm.

  “I did a bunch of research on sinking ships. What to do, what not to do—those kinds of things. Did you know the first lifeboat launched from the Titanic when it was sinking only had twenty-eight people on it, but it was equipped to hold sixty-five? Do your boats have lifeboats? How many?”

  Cora gave me an amused, sideways glance as I looked down at the curious little girl who’d stolen my heart.

  “We have lifeboats on the big boats and inflatable rafts on the smaller ones. Not to mention state-of-the-art equipment. Promise. Now, come on. Say good-bye to your mom. She’s got to go to work, and so do we!”

  Cora bent down, and Lizzie gave her a huge hug. The sight of it
made me smile and even more so when Lizzie let go, ran over, and affixed herself to my leg.

  “Now, you know it’s Tuesday, so—”

  “So, she goes to the tutor at school at one,” I said, finishing Cora’s sentence. “I got it.”

  “Okay, just checking,” she said, stepping forward. “Would it be totally unprofessional to kiss you in front of all these kids staring at us right now?”

  I looked over, and indeed, my class of spring-breakers—handicapped kids from all over the country who’d come to learn about water safety and fun—were completely absorbed in our conversation.

  I met her the rest of the way. “I think it would be rude not to,” I said, placing a tender kiss on her lips.

  As expected, it was met with a chorus of, “Gross,” and surprisingly, a few, “Aw,” from the girls.

  “I’ll see you later,” she said.

  “When later?” I asked. “Lunch?”

  Her face scrunched in disappointment. “We’re pretty busy. Spring break and all. But don’t worry,” she said, pulling out a familiar notebook out of her bag. “I’ll be with you in spirit! It’s the last one in the pile, by the way. What does that mean?”

  I tried to keep my face as neutral as possible. “It means, you’re nearly caught up. I guess you’ll have to find something else to read during your lunch breaks from now on.”

  “Hmm,” she said, looking at the notebook with a bit of sadness before she shrugged it off. “I guess so. I do have a giant stack of books gathering dust in my bedroom. But, there will be more of your notebooks. Eventually I mean.”

  I smiled as Lizzie squeezed my leg. “Yep.”

  “Okay, well, I’m off. See you later.”

  Both of us watched her cross the street once more, hop into her beat-up SUV, and drive away before I dared to move.

  Lizzie’s jump caused my heart to nearly bolt out of my own skin.

  “Operation Notebook? It’s a go?”

  I looked down at her, a grin forming across my face, one that stretched from ear to ear. “Operation Notebook is a go,” I confirmed.

  Cora

  The clinic was almost empty. With only one patient left in the room with Jake, I took advantage of the few minutes of peace and grabbed my bagged lunch. I headed for the front desk, hoping to catch a few bites before Mrs. Joyner needed to check out.