Robert Asprin

by M. Y. T. H. Inc Link

"Look, Kid," I said, using the phrase deliberately. "If you're so all-fired eager to get back, then go! I'm going to give a shot at trying to solve the real problem here, if I can ever find out what it is, maybe even without just throwing money at it. Okay?"

  It was a cheap shot, but Skeeve had been asking for it. For a minute I thought he was going to take me up on my suggestion and leave, but instead he sank onto a sofa and sulked. Terrific. I turned my back on him and switched my attention to Quigley.

  It seemed funny after all these years to take the lead in what was essentially a "people" situation. Usually I handled the tactics...okay, and occasionally the money...and left the people-handling to Skeeve. It was his part of the partnership to keep my abrasive personality from alienating too many people, particularly our friends. With him off in a blue funk, however, the task fell to me, and I was badly out of practice. Heck, I'll be honest, I was never in practice for this sort of thing. Ironically, I found myself trying to think of what Skeeve would say and do at a time like this.

  "So, Quigley," I said, trying to smile warmly, "what exactly seems to be the problem?"

  He fidgeted uncomfortably.

  "Well, it's a long story. I...I'm not sure where to begin."

  I suddenly remembered that non-Pervects tend to get nervous at the sight of Pervect teeth and dumped the smile.

  "Why don't you start at the beginning? How come you're having money problems? You seemed to be doing all right the last time we were here."

  "That's when it started," he sighed, "the last time you were here. Remember how they used to settle who was going to be the government around here? With the Big Game?"

  Actually I hadn't thought about it for years, but it was starting to come back to me as he talked.

  "Uh-huh. The Big Game between Ta-hoe and Vey-gus each year would decide who would get the Trophy and be the capital for the next year."

  Quigley nodded vaguely.

  "Right. Well, that's all changed now. When you guys won the game and took off with the Trophy, it stood the whole five-hundred-year-old system on its ear. For a while there was a faction that maintained that since you had the Trophy in Possiltum, that's where the capital should be for a year. Fortunately, wiser heads won out."

  It was nice to know that there were some hassles that passed us by. I noticed that in spite of himself, Skeeve had perked up and was listening as Quigley continued.

  "What they finally decided was that a Common Council should run the government. The plan was put into action with equal representation from both city-states, and for the first time in five hundred years the government of the dimension stabilized."

  It actually sounded like some good had come out of our madcap caper. That made me feel kind of good. Still...

  "I don't get it, Quigley. How is that a problem?"

  The magician gave a wry smirk.

  "Think about it, Aahz. With the feud over between the two city-states, there was no reason to maintain two magicians. It was decided that one would do just fine."

  "Whoops," I said.

  " 'Whoops' is right. Massha was their first choice. She had served as magician for both city-states at one time or another, and, frankly, they were more impressed with her than with me...especially after I let their hostage demon escape at the Big Game. When they went to tell her, though, she had disappeared. That left them with me."

  I found myself wondering if Massha had signed on as Skeeve's apprentice before or after she knew about the organizational change and Quigley getting the boot.

  "She's working with us over on Deva," Skeeve commented, finally getting drawn into the conversation.

  "Really? Well, I suppose it makes sense. After you've gone as far as you can go on the local level, it's only natural to graduate into the big time."

  "I still don't see how you ended up behind the eight ball financially," I said, trying to steer the conversation back on course.

  Quigley made a face.

  "It's my contract. I ended up having to take a substantial pay cut under the new situation. My salary before was adequate, but nothing to cheer about. Now..."

  His voice trailed off.

  "I don't get it," Skeeve said. "How can you be making less money for serving two city-states than you made working for one?"

  "Like I said, it's my contract. There are clauses in there I didn't even know about until the council hit me with them."

  "What kind of clauses?" I frowned.

  "Well, that the employer has the right to set my pay scale is the biggest one I remember. '...According to the need of the community,' and they pointed out that with no feud, my workload, and therefore my pay, should be reduced accordingly. Then there's the 'No Quit' clause..."

  "The what?"

  "The 'No Quit' clause. In short, it says that they can fire me, but I can't quit for the duration of my contract. If I leave, I have to pay my replacement, 'sub-contractor' I think they call it, myself...even if they pay him more than they were paying me. That's why I'm stuck here. I can't afford to quit. By the time I got done deducting someone else's wages out of whatever I was earning on my new job, I'd be making even less than I am now. I can't believe I could land a position making more than double what I'm currently earning. Not with my track record."

  For a moment I thought Skeeve was going to offer him a position with our company, but instead he groaned and hid his face in his hands.

  "Quigley! How could you sign a contract with those kind of terms in it? Heck, how could you sign any contract without knowing for sure what was in it?"

  "Frankly, I was so happy to find work at all I didn't think to ask many questions."

  "...There's also the minor fact," I put in, "that when he was getting started in this game, he was all alone. He didn't have a teacher or a bunch of friends to look over his contracts or warn him off bad deals."

  It was getting harder and harder to keep the Kid from getting too intolerant of other people's mistakes. Even that not-too-subtle admonishment only had partial success.

  "Well, he could have asked me," he grumbled. "I could have at least spotted the major gaffes."

  "As I recall," I tried again, staring at the ceiling, "at the time you were working as the Court Magician at Possiltum...without any kind of written agreement at all. Would you have come to you for contract advice?"

  "All right, all right. I hear you, Aahz. So what is it you want me to do, Quigley?"

  I caught the use of "me" instead of "us," but let it go for the time being.

  "Well, it's a little late, but I'd like to take you up on your offer. I was hoping you could look over the contract and see if there's a way out of it. My time is almost up, but I'm afraid they're going to exercise their renewal option and I'll be stuck here for another three years."

  "Don't tell me, let me guess," I winced. "It's their option whether or not to renew your contract. You have no say in the matter. Right?"

  "Right. How did you know?"

  "Lucky guess. I figured it went nicely with the 'No Quit' clause. And I thought slavery had been outlawed...."

  "Just exactly what are your duties these days, Quigley?"

  Skeeve had been maintaining a thoughtful silence on the sofa until he interrupted me with his question.

  "Not much, really," Quigley admitted. "More entertainment than anything else. As a matter of fact, I'm going to have to be leaving soon. I'm due to put on an appearance at the game this afternoon."

  "The game?" I said. "They're still playing that?"

  "Oh, certainly. It's still the major activity for entertainment and betting around here. They just don't play it for the Trophy, is all. It's been a much less emotional game since you guys trounced the locals, but they still get pretty worked up over it. I'll be putting on the after-game entertainment. Nothing much, just a few..."

  I glanced at him when he failed to finish his sentence, only to discover he was snoring quietly in his chair, sound asleep. Puzzled, I shifted my gaze to Skeeve.

  "Sleep spell," he said
with a wink. "I figured it was only appropriate. After all, I learned that spell on our last trip here after our friend here used it on Tananda."

  "Don't you want to hear more about the contract we're supposed to be breaking for him, or at least take a look at it?"

  "Don't need to. I've already heard enough to rough out a plan."

  "...And that is...?"

  His smile broadened.

  "I'll give you a hint."

  His features seemed to melt and shift...and I was looking at the "old man" disguise Quigley favored for his work.

  "We don't want two Quigleys attending the game, do we? The way I see it, the best way to get him out of the contract is to take his place this afternoon."

  I didn't like the sound of that.

  "You're going to get him fired? Isn't that a bit drastic? I mean, how's it going to look on his resume?"

  "Look, Aahz," he snarled. "I was the one who wanted to take the easy out and buy him out of his troubles. Remember? You're the one who said there had to be another way. Well, I've got another way. Now are you coming, or do you just want me to tell you how it went after it's over?"

  The stadium was impressive no matter how you looked at it. Of course, any time you get nearly 100,000 people together all screaming for blood, it's bound to be impressive. I was just glad that this time they weren't screaming for our blood.

  There was one bad moment, though. It seems that Quigley/Skeeve as a City-State Official got in free, whereas I, in disguise as an ordinary Joe, had to get a ticket to get past the fences. This was well and good, except that it meant we were separated for a bit. During that time, it suddenly dawned on me that if Skeeve got a little lax or wandered out of range, my disguise spell would disappear, revealing my true identity. As one of the team that trounced the locals and made off with their beloved Trophy, it occurred to me that there could be healthier pastimes than being suddenly exposed in the middle of thousands of hopped-up Game fans. Fortunately, I never had to find out for sure. Skeeve loitered about until I gained admission, and we pushed on together. It did give me pause, however, to realize how much I had grown to depend on the Kid's skills since losing my own powers.

  Quigley/Skeeve was apparently well known, and many of the fans called to him as we entered the stadium proper. The salutations, however, were less than complimentary. "Quigley! How's it going, you old fart?"

  "Hey, Quigley! Are you going to do the same trick again?"

  "Yeah! Maybe you can get it right this time!" Each of these catcalls was, of course, accompanied by the proper "Haw, haw, haw!" brays, as can only be managed by fans who have started drinking days before in preparation for their role in the game. Maybe Quigley was used to this treatment, but it had been a long time since anyone had spoken to the Great Skeeve like that, and I noticed a dangerous glint developing in his eye that boded ill for whoever he finally decided to focus his demonstration on.

  The game itself was actually rather enjoyable. It was a lot more fun to watch when we weren't the ones getting our brains beaten out on the field. I found myself cheering for the occasional outstanding play and hooting the rare intervention of the officials, along with the rest of the crazed mob.

  Quigley/Skeeve, on the other hand, maintained an ominous silence. I found this to be increasingly unnerving as the afternoon wore on. I knew him well enough to tell he was planning something. What I didn't know were the specifics of "what" and "when." Finally, as the end of the game loomed close, I could contain myself no-longer.

  "Say, uh, Skeeve," I said, leaning close so he could hear me over the din of the crowd. "Have you got your plan worked out?"

  He nodded without taking his eyes off the field.

  "Mind telling me about it?"

  "Well, remember how I got fired from Possiltum?" he said, glancing around to see if anyone was eavesdropping.

  "Yeah. You told the King off. So?"

  "...So I don't see any reason why the same thing shouldn't work here. I don't imagine that City-State Officials are any less pompous or impressed with themselves than the monarch of a broken-down kingdom was."

  That made sense. It was nice to see the Kid hadn't completely lost his feel for people.

  "So what are you going to chew them out over? Their treatment of Quigley?"

  He shook his head.

  "Out of character," he said. "Quigley isn't the type to make a fuss over himself. No, I figured to make the fight the key issue."

  "Fight? What fight?"

  "The one that's about to break out on the field," Quigley/Skeeve grinned. "The way I see it, these two teams have been rivals for over five hundred years. I can't believe all their old grudges have been forgotten just because the government's changed."

  "I dunno, partner. It's been a pretty clean game so far. Besides, it's already a rough contact sport. What's going to start a fight?"

  "Most of the contact is around the ball...or cube, or whatever they call it. Never did get that straight. This late in the game, all the players are hyped up but not thinking too clearly from butting heads all afternoon. Now watch close."

  He leaned forward to hide his hands, as one finger stretched out and pointed at the field.

  There were two particularly burly individuals who had been notably at each other's throats all day, to the delight of the crowd. At the moment, they were jogging slowly side by side along the edge of the main action of the field, watching for the ball/cube to bounce free. Suddenly, one player's arm lashed out in a vicious backhand that smashed into his rival's face, knocking his helmet off and sending him sprawling onto the turf. The move was so totally unexpected and unnecessary that the crowd was stunned into silence and immobility. Even the player who had thrown the punch looked surprised...which he undoubtedly was. Nothing like a little tightly focused levitation to make someone's limbs act unpredictably, unless they're expecting it and braced against the interference.

  The only one who didn't seem immobilized by the move was the player who had been decked. Like I said, the actual players of the game, unlike their out-of-shape fans, are built like brick walls--with roughly the same sense of humor. The felled player was on his feet with a bounce and launched himself at his supposed attacker. While that party was unsure about the magik that had momentarily seized his arm, he knew what to do about being pummeled, and in no time at all the two rivals were going at it hammer and tongs.

  It might have worked, but apparently the teams took whatever truce had been called seriously. Amid the angry shouts from the stands and the referee's whistle, they piled on their respective teammates and pried them apart.

  "Too bad, Skeeve," I said. "I thought you had them there."

  When there was no response, I glanced at him. Brow furrowed slightly now, he was still working.

  The player who had been attacked was free of his teammates. Though obviously still mad, he was under control as he bent to pick up his helmet. At his touch, however, the helmet took off through the air like a cannonball and slammed into the rival team member who had supposedly thrown the first punch. Now helmets in this game are equipped with either horns or points, and this one was no exception. The targeted player went down like a marionette with its strings cut, but not before losing a visible splatter of blood.

  That did it.

  At the sight of this new attack on their teammate, this time when the ball wasn't even in play, the fallen player's whole team went wild and headed for the now unhelmeted attacker...whose teammates in turn rallied to his defense.

  Both benches emptied as the reserves came off the sidelines to join the fray...or started to. Before they had a chance to build up any speed, both sets of reserves were imprisoned by the glowing blue cages of magikal wards, an application I'll admit I had never thought of. Instead of the fresh teams from the benches, Quigley/Skeeve took the field.

  I hadn't realized he had moved from my side until I saw him vault the low railing that separated the spectators from access to the playing field. The move was a bit spry for the "old ma
n" guise he was using, but no one else seemed to notice.

  It was a real pleasure to watch the Kid work...especially considering the fact that I taught him most of what he knows. I had to admit he had gotten pretty good over the years.

  "STOP IT!! THAT'S ENOUGH!!" he roared. "I SAID, STOP IT!!!"

  Still shouting, he waded into the players on the field who were locked in mortal combat. The ones who were standing he crumpled in their tracks with a gesture...a gesture which I realized as a simple sleep spell. The others he easily forced apart with judicious use of his levitational abilities. Two players who were grappling with each other he not only separated, but held aloft some twenty feet off the ground. As swiftly as it had started, the fight was stopped, and right handily, too.

  As could have been predicted, no sooner had the dust settled than a troop of officious-looking individuals came storming out onto the field, making a beeline for Quigley/Skeeve. While I may have lost my powers, there's nothing wrong with my hearing, and I was easily able to listen in on the following exchange, unlike the restless fans in the stands around me.

  "Quigley, you...How dare you interrupt the game this way?"

  "Game?" Quigley/Skeeve said coolly, folding his arms. "That wasn't a game, that was a fight...even though I can see how you could easily confuse the two."

  "You have no right to...Put them down!"

  This last was accompanied by a gesture at the suspended players. Skeeve didn't gesture, but the two players suddenly dropped to the turf with bone-jarring thuds that drew the same "Ooooo's" from the crowd as you get from a really good hit during actual play.

  "...As to my rights," Quigley/Skeeve intoned, not looking around, "I'm under contract to use my magikal powers to help keep the peace in Vey-gus and Ta-Hoe. The way I see it, that includes stopping brawls when I happen across them...which I've just done. To that end, I'm declaring the game over. The current score stands as final."

  With that, the cage/wards began migrating toward their respective tunnels, herding the players within along with them. Needless to say, the crowd did not approve.

  "You...you can't do that!" the official's spokesman screamed over the rising tide of boos from the stands. "The most exciting plays happen in the last few minutes!"