Robert Asprin

by M. Y. T. H. Inc Link

  As a final flourish, Quigley/Skeeve levitated the fallen players on the field down the tunnels after their teammates.

  "I've done it," he said. "What's more, I intend to do it at every scheduling of this barbaric game when things get out of hand. My contract is up for renewal soon, and I realized I've been a bit lax in my duties. Consequently, I thought I'd remind you of exactly what it is you're keeping on the payroll. If you don't like it, you can always fire me."

  I smiled and shook my head in appreciation. I had to hand it to the Kid. If attacking the dimension's favorite pastime didn't get Quigley canned, I didn't know what would.

  "You shut down the game?"

  That was Quigley expressing his appreciation for Skeeve's help.

  We were back at his place with our disguises off and the magician revived. Apparently our assistance wasn't quite what he had been expecting.

  "It seemed like the surest way to get you out of your contract," Skeeve shrugged. "The locals seem rather attached to the game."

  "Attached to...I'm dead!" the magician cried with a groan. "I won't just get fired, I'll be lynched!"

  The Kid was unmoved.

  "Not to worry," he said. "You can always use a disguise spell to get away, or if it'll make you feel better, we'll give you an escort to..."

  There was a knock on the door.

  "Ah. Unless I miss my guess, that should be the Council now. Get the door, Quigley."

  The magician hesitated and glanced around the room as if looking for a way to escape. Finally he sighed and trudged toward the door.

  "Speaking of disguises, Skeeve..." I said.

  "Oh, right. Sorry, Aahz."

  With an absent-minded wave of his hand we were disguised again, this time in the appearances we used when we first arrived.

  "Oh! Lord Magician. May we come in? There are certain matters we must...oh! I didn't realize you had guests."

  It was indeed the Council. Right on schedule. I snuck a wink at Skeeve, who nodded in encouragement.

  "These are...friends of mine," Quigley said lamely, as if he didn't quite believe it himself. "What was it you wanted to see me about?"

  Several sets of uneasy eyes swept us. "We...urn...hoped to speak with you in private."

  "We'll wait outside, Quigley," Skeeve said, getting to his feet. "Just holler if you need us."

  "Well, that's that," I sighed after the door closed behind us. "I wonder what Quigley's going to do for his next job?"

  Skeeve leaned casually against the wall.

  "I figure that's his problem," he said. "After all, he's the one who asked us to spring him from his contract. I assume he has something else lined up."

  "...And if he doesn't? Quigley's never been big in the planning-ahead department. It won't be easy for him to find work with a termination on his record."

  "Like I said, that's his problem," Skeeve shrugged. "He can always..."

  The door opened, and the Council trooped silently out. Quigley waited until they were clear, then beckoned us inside frantically.

  "You'll never guess what happened," he said excitedly.

  "You were fired, right?" Skeeve replied. "C'mon, Quigley, snap out of it. Remember us? We're the ones who set it up."

  "No, I wasn't fired. Once they got over being mad, they were impressed by the show of magik I put on at the game. They renewed my contract."

  I found myself looking at Skeeve, who was in turn looking back at me. We held that pose for a few moments. Finally Skeeve heaved a sigh.

  "Well," he said, "we'll just have to think of something else. Don't worry, Quigley. I haven't seen a contract yet that couldn't be broken."

  "Ummm...actually, I'd rather you didn't."

  That shook me a bit.

  "Excuse me, Quigley. For a moment there I thought you said..."

  "That's right. You see, the Council was impressed enough that they've given me a raise...a substantial raise. I don't think I'll be able to do better anywhere else, especially if they ask for a demonstration of my skills. There have been some changes in the contract, though, and I'd really appreciate it if you two could look it over and let me know what I'm in for."

  "I'm sorry about that, Skeeve," I said as we trudged along. "All that work for nothing."

  We had finally finished going over the contract with Quigley and were looking for a quiet spot to head back to Deva unobserved.

  "Not really. We solved Quigley's problem for him, and that new contract is a definite improvement over the old one."

  I had meant that he had done a lot of work for no pay, but decided not to push my luck by clarifying my statement.

  "You kind of surprised me when we were talking outside," I admitted. "I half expected you to be figuring on recruiting Quigley for our crew, once he got free of his contract."

  The Kid gave a harsh bark of laughter.

  "Throw money at it again? Don't worry, Aahz. I'm not that crazy. I might have been willing to spot him a loan, but hire him? A no-talent, do-nothing like that? I run a tight ship at M.Y.T.H. Inc, and there's no room for deadwood...even if they are old friends. Speaking of the company, I wonder if there's any word about..."

  He rambled on, talking about the work he was getting back to. I didn't listen too closely, though. Instead, I kept replaying something he had said in my mind.

  "A no-talent do-nothing...no room for deadwood, even if they are old friends..."

  A bit harsh, perhaps, but definitely food for thought.

  Chapter Five

  "What fools these mortals be."

  -SMAUG

  I NEVER REALLY REALIZED how easy it was to buy something until I tried my hand at selling. I'm not talking about small, casual purchases here. I'm talking about something of size...like, say, a casino/hotel. Of course buying it had been simplified by the fact that the developer...what was his name? No matter...was desperate. Trying to offload it, however, was an entirely different matter.

  Leaning back in my chair, I stared at the sea of paper on my desk, trying to mentally sort out the various offers, only to discover they were starting to run together in my head. I've noticed that happening more and more after midnight. With a muttered curse, I cast about for my notes.

  "Working late, Skeeve?"

  "What?" I said, glancing up. "Oh. Hi, Bunny. What are you doing here at this hour?"

  "I could say I was worried about you, which I am, but truthfully I didn't even know you were still here till I saw the light on and poked my head in to check. No, I was just fetching a few things I had stored in my desk. Now, I can return the same question: what are you doing here?"

  I stretched a bit as I answered, grateful for the break.

  "Just trying to organize my thoughts on selling The Fun House. I'm going to have to make my recommendations to the Board as to which of these offers to accept when we discuss it at our monthly meeting."

  She came around the desk and stood behind me, massaging the knots out of my shoulders. It felt wonderful.

  "I don't see why you have to make a presentation to the Board at all," she said. "Why don't you just go ahead and make the decision unilaterally? You made the decision to sell without clearing it with anyone else."

  Something in what she said had a ominous ring to it, but I was enjoying the backrub too much to pin it down just then.

  "I made the decision unilaterally to open our door to offers...not to sell. The actual final call as to whether or not to sell, and, which, if any, of the offers to accept, is up to the Board."

  "Then if it's up to them, why are you killing yourself getting ready to make a pitch?"

  I knew where she was coming from then. It was the old "you're working too hard" bit. It seemed like I was hearing that from everybody these days, or often enough that I could sing it from memory.

  "Because I really want this motion to carry," I said, pulling away from her. "If there's going to be any opposition, I want to be sure I have my reasons and arguments down pat."

  Bunny wandered back around th
e desk, hesitated, then plopped down into a chair.

  "All right, then rehearse. Tell me why you want to sell, if you don't mind giving a preview."

  I rose and began to pace, rubbing my lower lip as I organized my thoughts.

  "Officially, I think it's necessary for two reasons. First, pretty soon now the novelty of the place is going to wear off, and when it does the crowds...and therefore our revenues...will decline. That will make it harder to sell than right now, when it's a hot spot. Second, the place is so successful it's going to generate imitators. From what I've been hearing at my 'businessman's lunches,' there are already several plans underway to construct or convert several of the nearby hotels into casinos. Again, it will dilute the market and lower our price if we wait too long."

  Bunny listened attentively. When I was done, she nodded her head.

  "...And unofficially?"

  "I beg your pardon?"

  "You said, 'Officially, etc., etc.' That implies there are reasons you haven't mentioned."

  That's when I realized how tired I was getting. A verbal slip like that could be costly in the wrong company. Still, Bunny was my confidential secretary. If I couldn't confide in her, I was in trouble.

  "Unofficially, I'm doing it for Aahz."

  "Aahz?"

  "That's right. Remember him? My old partner? Well, when we were taking care of that little favor for Quigley, he kept needling me about The Fun House. There was a fairly constant stream of digs about 'throwing money at a problem' and how 'we never planned to run a casino'...stuff like that. I don't know why, but it's clear to me that the casino is a burr under his saddle, and if it will make him happy, I've got no problems dumping it. It just doesn't mean that much to me."

  Bunny arched an eyebrow.

  "So you're selling off the casino because you think it will make your old partner happy?"

  "It's the best reason I can think of," I shrugged. "Bunny, he's been a combination father, teacher, coach, and Dutch uncle to me since Garkin was killed. I've lost track of the number of times he's saved my skin, usually by putting his own between me and whatever was incoming. With all I owe him, disposing of something that's bothering him seems a pretty small payback, but one I'll deliver without batting an eye."

  "You might try to give him an assignment or two," she said, pursing her lips. "Maybe if he were a bit busier, he wouldn't have the time to brood and fault-find over the stuff you're doing without him."

  I waited a heartbeat too long before laughing.

  "Aahz is above petty jealousy, really," I said, wishing I was more sure of it myself. "Besides, I am trying to find an assignment for him. It's just that Perverts...excuse me, Pervects...aren't noted for their diplomacy in dealing with clients."

  Not wishing to pursue the subject further, I gathered up a handful of proposals.

  "Right now, I've got to go through these proposals a couple more times until I've got them straight in my mind."

  "What's the problem? Just pick the best one and go with it."

  I grimaced bitterly.

  "It's not that easy. With some of these proposals, it's like comparing apples and oranges. One offers an ongoing percentage of profits...another is quoting a high purchase price, but wants to pay in installments...there are a handful that are offering stock in other businesses in addition to cash...it's just not that easy to decide which is actually the best offer."

  "Maybe I can help," Bunny said, reaching for the stack of proposals. "I've had a fair amount of experience assessing offers."

  I put my hand on the stack, intercepting her.

  "Thanks for the offer. Bunny, but I'd rather do it myself. If I'm going to be president, I've got to learn to quit relying on others. The only way I'll learn to be self-reliant is to not indulge in depending on my staff."

  She slowly withdrew her hand, her eyes searching mine as if she weren't sure she recognized me. I realized she was upset, but, reviewing what I had said, couldn't find anything wrong with my position. Too tired to sort it out just then, I decided to change the subject.

  "While you're here, though, could you give me a quick briefing of what's on the dockets for tomorrow? I'd like to clear the decks to work on this stuff if l can."

  Whatever was bothering her vanished as she became the efficient secretary again.

  "The only thing that's pressing is assigning a team to a watchdog job. The client has a valuable shipment we're supposed to be guarding tomorrow night."

  "Guard duty?" I frowned. "Isn't that a little low-class for our operation?"

  "I thought so," she smiled sweetly, "but apparently you didn't when you committed us to it two weeks ago. A favor to one of your lunch buddies. Remember?"

  "Oh. Right. Well, I think we can cover that one with Gleep. Send him over...and have Nunzio go along to keep an eye on him."

  "All right."

  She started to leave, but hesitated in the door.

  "What about Aahz?"

  I had already started to plunge into the proposals again and had to wrench my attention back to the conversation.

  "What about him?"

  "Nothing. Forget I asked."

  There was no doubt about it. The staff was definitely starting to get a bit strange. Shaking my head, I addressed the proposals once more.

  Gleep's Tale

  INEVITABLY, WHEN CONVERSING WITH my colleagues of the dragon set, and the subject of pets was raised, an argument would ensue as to the relative advantages and disadvantages of humans as pets. Traditionally, I have maintained a respectful silence during such sessions, being the youngest member in attendance and therefore obligated to learn from my elders. This should not, however, be taken as an indication that I lack opinions on the subject. I have numerous well-developed theories, which is the main reason I welcomed the chance to test them by acquiring a subject as young and yet as well-traveled as Skeeve was when I first encountered him. As my oration unfolds, you will note...but I'm getting ahead of myself. First things first is the order of business for organized and well-mannered organisms. I am the entity you have come to know in these volumes as...

  "Gleep! C'mere, fella."

  That is Nunzio. He is neither organized nor well-mannered. Consequently, as is so often the case when dealing with Skeeve and his rather dubious collection of associates, I chose to ignore him. Still, an interesting point has been raised, so I had probably best address it now before proceeding.

  As was so rudely pointed out, I am known to this particular batch of humans, as well as to the readers of these volumes, simply as Gleep. For the sake of convenience, I will continue to identify myself to you by that name, thereby eliminating the frustrating task of attempting to instruct you in the pronunciation of my real name. Not only am I unsure you are physically able to reproduce the necessary sounds, but there is the fact that I have limited patience when it comes to dealing with humans. Then, too, it is customary for dragons to adopt aliases for these cross-phylum escapades. It saves embarrassment when the human chroniclers distort the facts when recording the incidents...which they invariably do.

  If I seem noticeably more coherent than you would expect from my reputed one-word vocabulary, the reason is both simple and logical. First, I am still quite young for a dragon, and the vocal cords are one of the last things to develop in regard to our bodies. While I am quite able to converse and communicate with others of my species, I have another two hundred years before my voice is ready to attempt the particular combination of sounds and pitches necessary to converse extensively with humans in their own tongue.

  As to my mental development, one must take into consideration the vast differences in our expected life span. A human is considered exceptional to survive for a hundred years, whereas dragons can live for thousands of years without being regarded as old by their friends and relations. The implications of this are too numerous to count, but the one which concerns us here is that, while I am perhaps young for a dragon, I am easily the oldest of those who affiliate themselves with Skeeve.
Of course, humans tend to lack the breeding and upbringing of my kind, so they are far less inclined to heed the older and wiser heads in their midst, much less learn from them.

  "Hey, Gleep! Can you hear me? Over here, boy."

  I made a big show of nibbling on my foot as if troubled by an itch. Humans as a whole seem unable to grasp the subtleties of communication which would allow them to ascertain when they are being deliberately ignored, much less what it implies. Consequently, I have devised the technique of visibly demonstrating I am preoccupied when confronted with a particularly rude or ignorant statement or request. This not only serves to silence their yammerings, it slows the steady erosion of my nerves. To date, the technique yields about a twenty percent success ratio, which is significantly better than most tactics I have attempted. Unfortunately, this did not prove to be one of those twenty percenters.

  "I'm talkin' ta you, Gleep. Now are ya gonna go where I tell ya or not?"

  While I am waiting for my physical development to enable me to attempt the language of another species, I have serious doubts that Nunzio or Guido will master their native tongue, no matter how much time they are allowed. Somehow it reminds me of a tale one of my aunts used to tell about how she encountred a human in a faraway land and inquired if he were a native. "I ain't no native!" she was told. "I was born right here!" I quite agree with her that the only proper response when confronted by such logic was to eat him.

  Nunzio was still carrying on in that squeaky little-boy voice of his which is so surprising when one first hears it, except now he had circled around behind me and was trying to push me in the direction he had indicated earlier. While he is impressively strong for a human, I outweighed him sufficiently that I was confident that there was no chance he could move me until I decided to cooperate. Still, his antics were annoying, and I briefly debated whether it was worth trying to improve his manners by belting him with my tail. I decided against it, of course. Even the strongest humans are dangerously frail and vulnerable, and I did not wish to distress Skeeve by damaging one of his playmates. A trauma like that could set my pet's training program back years.