Identity Crisis

by Rochelle Paige

  “Yes, absolutely,” I insisted.

  “How?” she cried. “I heard what you guys were saying and it sounded like Brody was trying to talk you out of the idea. Is that why? Did it take your best friend pointing out what a shitty thing that would be for you to see how wrong you were?”

  I grabbed her hands, gripping them tightly in my own when she tried to pull away. “I’m not going to lie to you, baby.”

  “It feels like that’s all you’ve been doing,” she muttered.

  Seeing her vulnerable like this caused something to tighten inside my belly. I’d hurt her. “The night we met, when I talked you into coming with me instead of calling the police, it was mainly because I thought there might be a way for me to use you.”

  Her body jerked, as if my words were a physical blow. “You didn’t even know me. Why? How could you think about using me like that? Who gave you the power to decide whether I should risk my life?”

  “My training taught me to look at people as chess pieces. To distance myself and see the strategic advantage they offered,” I tried to explain, afraid it would be impossible for her to understand. “My missions always came first.”

  “Where do people fit into the equation?”

  “The team came second and everyone else was last,” I answered. “It was drilled into our heads, over and over again. Mission. Team. Individuals.”

  “You’re not a SEAL anymore!” she cried. “And I deserve better than to come last to the man I’m sleeping with.”

  “I’d already decided well before we ended up in bed together that there wasn’t a chance in hell I’d ever use you as bait.”

  Her eyes jerked to mine again, hope warring with disbelief. “When?”

  “The second you placed your lips over mine,” I admitted. “Hell, probably even before then since I fought you so hard on coming with me to Serena’s office. I just didn’t realize it until now.”

  “That’s right,” she whispered. “If you’d wanted to use me as bait, you would have been the one pushing for me to go. Not the other way around.”

  “My need to protect you superseded my training. I couldn’t look at you as a pawn. Not when you’re my queen—the most powerful piece on the board.”

  “My dad loves chess. I’m horrible at it, even after all the times he’s tried to teach me how to play. I might not have been terribly interested, but I did learn a thing or two. Doesn’t the queen protect the king? Even as a sacrifice sometimes?” Her head tilted toward me, her body not nearly as stiff as it had been when I first sat down.

  “Not with us. In this game, I protect you. And if anyone needs to make a sacrifice, it damn well will be me,” I promised. “Never you. Not when I’m here to stand between you and danger.”

  “Oh, Blaine,” she sighed, tears welling in her eyes again. “Do you really mean it?”

  “More than anything.”

  The moment she leaned toward me, I knew she believed me. Her hands released the blanket she’d been holding as she reached out for me. “It hurt so much to think you’d slept with me knowing you might have to use me. Or even worse—that you did it so you could make sure I’d be willing to do whatever you’d ask of me later.”

  “Fuck,” I hissed. “Don’t ever think anything like that ever again. I fucked you because I couldn’t control myself. I should have waited until this was all over before taking you, or at least until you had a clearer head. I’ve never had any problem making decisions based on what I should do. Not until I met you.”

  Her voice was muffled against my shirt as I cradled her against my chest, happy as fuck to have her in my arms again. “It goes both ways, you know.”

  “What does?”

  Although her cheeks were still wet, her eyes were filled with happiness when she looked up at me. “I’m pretty sure if it had been anybody else in my house that night, I would have never agreed to wait before calling the police. I certainly wouldn’t have offered to share my bed. You’re a game changer for me, too.”

  “Thank fuck,” I sighed.

  She nestled her head against me again and we sat there for God only knows how long before Brody came back out to join us.

  “You guys work everything out?”

  “Yeah, but I want to make sure this is clear. There’s been a mission change,” I said. “Delia’s safety takes priority over figuring this shit out.”

  “Glad to hear you managed to pull your head out of your ass.”

  “You were wrong about what I was struggling with,” I growled. “It didn’t even take a day before I knew I couldn’t use her that way.”

  “Then what the hell was that all about?”

  “Me trying to decide whether I could call in the police and walk away completely,” I admitted.

  “For her?”

  “For me?”

  Their questions were asked simultaneously and both were said in the same shocked tone.

  “Yeah.”

  “Man down,” Brody whispered. “Never thought I’d see the day when a woman brought you to your knees.”

  I didn’t think I’d ever see it either.

  Chapter 14

  Delia

  An embarrassed giggle bubbled out of me, a complete surprise considering how upset I’d just been. I couldn’t help it, though. As soon as Brody said ‘knees’, all I could think about was Blaine’s order the first time we were in bed together. Then my thoughts shifted to an image of Blaine on his knees, his mouth on me. My core convulsed at the picture in my head and it was all I could do not to moan aloud—until I looked up and caught Brody’s knowing gaze.

  The last few days had been crazy, but the last couple hours felt like a roller coaster ride, complete with the highs and lows. Although low didn’t seem like a strong enough word considering how devastated I felt knowing Blaine had thought about using me. It was hard for me to understand his perspective, but I’d never been in a position where I needed to look at people the way he’d been trained to do. And I couldn’t exactly argue with his point of view. It had probably saved his life more times than I ever wanted to think about.

  I believed him when he said he’d stand between me and danger. The conviction in his voice and the determination in his gaze left no room for doubt. It was enough to take the sting of hurt feelings away. I wasn’t going to hold something he’d thought before he really knew me against him—certainly not when he changed his mind about it in less than twenty-four hours.

  “You’ll have to tell me later what made you blush this time,” Blaine whispered in my ear.

  “The key word in that sentence is later,” Brody chimed in. “Right now, I need to fill you in on what I discovered while I was out.”

  I held up a hand. “Whoa! Before we learn the new stuff, you guys need to fill me in on what you learned while I was asleep.”

  “You haven’t briefed her yet?” Brody asked.

  I giggled again, my mind still in the gutter, thinking about Blaine pushing my panties aside before driving into me. I was pretty sure it wasn’t the kind of briefing Brody meant.

  “Not yet.” Blaine’s voice was filled with humor. When I looked up at him, his eyes were crinkled at the corners and his lips were tilted at the edges. He had an idea of where my mind had traveled to this time.

  “She blush like that all the time?”

  “She’s sitting right here and doesn’t like to be talked about as though she isn’t,” I muttered.

  “Then try not to be so cute.” Brody’s retort had Blaine growling. Literally growling from deep in his throat. Then my stomach seemed to take its cue from him.

  “Why don’t you guys fill me in while I make something to eat? I’m starving.”

  “I could eat, too,” Brody answered.

  Blaine’s arms tightened around me for a moment before dropping a quick kiss on the top of my head and standing up, pulling me to my feet. “You can always eat.”

  I walked into the kitchen while I listened to them tease each other.

  “You
calling me fat?”

  Brody’s frame was muscular, but he wasn’t stocky by any means of the imagination. Neither was Blaine. To my eyes, they both seemed incredibly fit, although Brody’s muscles were leaner. More sinewy. “Nah, we both know you’ve got another twenty pounds to go until you catch back up to me.”

  I popped my head out of the fridge so they could hear my question. “Catch back up to you?”

  “Brody’s injuries from our last mission were more serious than mine,” Blaine explained.

  My eyes jerked to the scar on his cheek. None of the photos the newspapers had run about him showed any such imperfection. Based on what Blaine had said about the quality of the medical care Brody’s brother had gotten for him, I knew his injuries had to have been brutal if the plastic surgeons hadn’t been able to fix his scarring. I was pretty sure I had detected a slight limp when he walked, too. “But you’re okay now?”

  “Better than I’ve been in a long time.” Brody’s voice held none of the humor I’d quickly grown accustomed to hearing from him. He seemed like an easygoing guy, but now I had to wonder if still waters ran deep. Maybe he used humor as a disguise so people wouldn’t dig beneath the surface to see the real guy inside.

  “I’m glad to hear it.” I shot him a reassuring smile before dragging a bunch of stuff out of the fridge. “Sandwiches okay with you two? I’m too hungry to wait for anything else.”

  “Works for me,” Brody mumbled before he popped open one of the containers and shoved a grape into his mouth.

  “Why do I have the feeling you would have had the same answer no matter what I said we should eat?”

  “Because you’re right,” Blaine answered.

  “Not if it was sushi,” Brody disagreed. “Or tuna casserole.”

  Blaine grabbed some plates from the cabinet and stacked them on the counter. “Correction. He would have said yes to anything you wanted to make as long as it didn’t include fish.”

  “Are you allergic?” I asked Brody.

  “Nope.” His lips made a popping sound at the end, right before he tossed another grape into his mouth.

  “He’s never liked fish,” Blaine explained. “Which made one of our missions interesting because we were in a small seaside town where it was a staple.”

  “Damn, I don’t think I’ve ever eaten so many MREs in my life,” Brody chuckled.

  I’d run across MREs during my research. They were a meal ready to eat, packaged in a waterproof bag with a flameless heater. Sounded ingenious because they were easy to store and transport, but from what I’d read, they also tasted horrible. It was hard to imagine anyone picking an MRE over a real meal, even if they didn’t like whatever else they could get their hands on at the time. “No MREs for you today. I’ve got everything I need to make club sandwiches.”

  “Thank God. I need something good. Just thinking about it brought back the taste of the jambalaya. Trust me when I tell you that whoever came up with that recipe needs to check their taste buds to see if they’re still operational. I can’t remember ever tasting anything more revolting, not even sushi.”

  “Enough about the MREs. What I want to know is will these club sandwiches have toasted bread?” Blaine asked.

  I laughed as I pulled the toaster closer to the edge of the counter so I could reach it more easily. “Is there any other way to make them?”

  He moved closer to me and wrapped his arms around my body. “Double decker ones?” His breath was warm in my ear.

  “Yes,” I sighed.

  “With bacon and mayo?”

  I turned in his arms to look up at him. “If by mayo you mean Miracle Whip, then yes. If not, then I think we have a problem here.”

  “A problem?” he chuckled.

  “Yeah, I’m not sure I can be involved with a guy whose taste buds are so lacking he actually prefers mayonnaise to Miracle Whip.”

  Brody’s laughter rang in my ears. “Dude, you’re so busted. But hey, on the bright side, I’m not a fan of mayo. Maybe it’s a sign you’re meant to be with me instead of him.”

  “Shut the fuck up,” Blaine growled at his best friend. “I can learn to like Miracle Whip, but I’ll never stand for the idea of you with my woman.”

  “Your woman?” I repeated.

  He leaned over and took my mouth in a deep kiss. Tongues tangled together, mouths slanted for better access, teeth nipping my bottom. There wasn’t any other way to describe his kiss than what it was: a claiming. By the time he pulled away, my heart was racing, my legs were shaking, and my panties were wet. If he’d been trying to use a kiss to prove his point, he’d done a damn fine job of it.

  “Mine.”

  “Yours.”

  Brody tossed a grape at us and I watched as it bounced off Blaine’s head and fell to the floor. “If you’re done proving your masculinity, I could really use something other than grapes to eat over here. I don’t want to wither away.”

  “I did promise the man a sandwich,” I murmured.

  “Make mine bigger than his.”

  I knew Blaine was talking about his sandwich but my brain still managed to turn it into something dirty—again. My mind seemed to be stuck permanently in the gutter around him. I giggled as I answered, “I can do that.”

  “Tease,” he whispered against my lips before kissing me one last time and then moving away. “Make me my sandwich, woman.”

  He followed up his order with a gentle swat on my butt, making me jump. “Hey!” I yelped. “Enough of that or yours won’t be a double decker like mine and Brody’s.”

  “That’s just mean,” he grumbled.

  “No, please. Irritate the hell out of her. Please. It means more food for me.” Brody rubbed his hands together in anticipation.

  “You know club sandwiches are my favorite, dickhead.”

  I smiled at the coincidence. “Mine, too. Luckily, we have the easy bacon that just needs to be reheated in the microwave so they’ll be done soon. Why don’t you guys start filling me in on what you’ve learned?”

  It was like my question flipped a switch in both men. The atmosphere in the room shifted as the smiles were wiped from their faces. Their expressions turned stony, the gleam in their eyes changed from playful to serious. They even stood taller than they had a moment before. I was seeing a glimpse of the operators they used to be when they served as SEALs.

  “Go ahead. Give her the full sitrep,” Blaine instructed Brody. “I’ll fill in the blanks as needed.”

  “Per some secured files I accessed this morning, The Armory Group is already on the FBI and ATF’s radars. Homeland Security, too. They’ve been hard to pin down because they conduct all their business on the dark web, and they’re careful about the clients they accept. If you don’t fit their criteria, you don’t get access to their website. They keep their shit locked down tight. And by tight, I mean tighter than a nun’s cunt.”

  The knife I’d been using to cut the sandwiches fell from my hand, clattering as it hit the floor. “Crap.”

  “Dammit, Brody! Watch your mouth around Delia,” Blaine growled before turning to me. “You okay, baby? The knife didn’t get your foot, did it?”

  “I’m fine, and Brody doesn’t have to watch his mouth around me. I’ve heard worse. I just don’t think I’ve ever heard that saying before.”

  “Sorry,” Brody said softly. I was surprised to find a blush creeping up his cheeks. “I forgot I was in mixed company for a minute there.”

  “I’m sure you’ve said worse. Blaine, too. No harm, no foul. Carry on,” I insisted.

  “Based on their setup, they have a damn good programmer on board. They tried to tag me when I logged in both times. If I were just about anyone else, they would have been able to trace me already. The bad news is I’m not sure how many more logins I can get away with until they’re successful.”

  I slid a plate filled with a couple sandwiches along the counter to each of them. “That doesn’t sound good.”

  “It’s not,” Blaine confirmed. “W
hich is why Brody went to run some errands. He needed some equipment he didn’t bring with him. Stuff to help him if he needs to access their system again, and some supplies to beef up our security here.”

  “I thought you said the hotel was secure?” I asked Blaine.

  “It’s better than most buildings in town, but we can improve upon what they’ve done to add extra protection. Depending on what happens, Brody and I may need to leave you here alone. The only way I’m willing to do that is if this suite is as secure as I can possibly make it.”

  “Won’t the hotel mind?”

  The look Blaine leveled me with was filled with determination. “I don’t give a fuck. Not when we’re talking about your safety. I’m responsible for it and it’s not open for discussion. With anyone.”

  “Plus, it means I get to play with new toys,” Brody added, breaking the tension. He had an amazing sense of timing. I’d been gearing up to let loose on Blaine for his high-handedness. Instead, I was distracted by the shiny equipment he started pulling out of a bag he’d grabbed from the living room. He piled a steady stream of high-tech gadgets on the counter. I had no idea what they were capable of doing, but they were very expensive.

  “How much did you spend? I’d like to cover the expenses since you’re installing this stuff so I’ll be safe.”

  Brody’s expression was startled and his gaze slid over to Blaine. “It wasn’t as expensive as you’d think. I have damn good connections in the tech world so I get what you might call a professional discount. Besides, we plan to take it all back to Vegas with us to beef up the security on Damian’s suite.”

  “I should at least pay for part of it,” I insisted.

  Blaine shook his head. “I thought we went over this already. You’re my woman. I’m responsible for your safety. This equipment will help me do that, which means I cover the cost.”

  His words were said with a finality, leaving no doubt he was unwilling to bend on this issue. I had more than enough on my plate to push this with him anyway. “Let me see if I have this straight. We’re up against a group of arms dealers who have been able to evade the FBI, ATF, and Homeland Security for God only knows how long. They killed Serena’s boyfriend when she logged onto their website. Then they went after her, beating her before they shot her in the head. When we started looking into them a couple days later and they saw me at her office, they shot me because they thought they’d killed the wrong woman. That Serena was the one looking into them. Except she’s dead and I’m not her!” My voice rose a little higher with each sentence until I was practically yelling. It was either that or crying, and I was all cried out from earlier.