A Cry For Hope (ARC)

by Beth Rinyu

  I slowly opened my eyes to tiny little kisses on my forehead. I smiled when I finally focused on Jamie’s bright, beautiful eyes staring into mine. “Good morning, beautiful girl.”

  “Morning,” I said, stretching my neck to see the time on the clock.

  “What are looking at the clock for? It's Sunday and Charlie is at my parents so you know what that means?”

  I shook my head and tried to hide my smile. “I'm sorry, but I haven’t a clue as to what you are talking about,” I joked.

  “Morning sex and lots of it.”

  I giggled as he pulled the sheet over our heads and we made love for hours.

  I rested my head on his chest and could no longer ignore the clock. “Umm, it's ten o'clock. You're parents are dropping Charlie off in an hour, and I have to be at Tina's baby shower by noon. So how about if I make you some breakfast and we get this beautiful day started?”

  “It already started quite nicely,” he smirked. I shook my head and kissed him on the cheek before jumping out of bed, and throwing on my sweats and tank top.

  He turned on his side and stared at me. “Why are you getting dressed?” he asked.

  “Because I'm going to make you breakfast.”

  “You know what would be really great?”

  “What?” I asked.

  “You, cooking me breakfast, naked.”

  “You little pervert. Didn't you get enough this morning?”

  “Hope, I can never get enough of you. You should know that by now.”

  “Aw, you are so sweet. Now get your cute little ass dressed and get down into the kitchen,” I said, kissing him gently on the lips.

  I was just taking the last piece of French toast off the griddle when Jamie came downstairs in just his pajama bottoms. I loved that I could look at him all these years later and still feel the same butterflies in my stomach that I had on the first day I met him. He was so handsome, making sure he kept himself in shape by hitting the gym every day. I placed the plate in front of him, along with a cup of coffee.

  “Aren't you eating?” he asked.

  “Too many calories. Plus I'm going to be pigging out at this shower this afternoon.”

  He shook his head at me in disapproval. “I'll have a bowl of cereal or something.”

  I walked over to the closet and pulled out the bag containing the baby shower gifts for Tina, who was having a baby girl next month. I had so much fun shopping for it. I pulled the dresses out of the bag and smiled at them. “Look how cute these are,” I said to Jamie. “I just love shopping for little girls.”

  He looked at me sadly and I knew exactly what was going through his mind. He was still trying to get over the guilt that he had over not being able to have another child. He was diagnosed with testicular cancer six months after Charlie was born, and the radiation from the treatments he had received made him sterile. It was the scariest time in my life, and I was just so relieved when he went into remission that nothing else mattered to me. Charlie was our one and only, and I was completely okay with that. I just wished that Jamie would stop feeling inadequate because of it.

  I put the dresses down and walked over to him. I sat on his lap and wrapped my arms around his neck. “You and Charlie are my world, and I don't need anything else to make that world complete.” I pressed my forehead to his and softly kissed him on the lips. I looked up at the clock. “Hey, we have exactly a half-hour before Charlie and your parents get here. I say we conserve water.”

  He smiled. “Oh, yeah? And how are we going to do that?”

  I stood up and grabbed his hand, leading him up the stairs. We were already half undressed by the time we reached the bathroom. He reached back into the shower and turned on the faucet, his lips never leaving mine. I stepped under the water and he followed, closing the shower door behind us. We stood under the oversized showerhead, allowing the warm water to envelop us as his lips crushed down on mine. He pushed me against the shower wall, trailed his tongue down my neck, and encircled my nipple. He lifted my leg and wrapped it around him, then eased himself inside of me. “Hope, you are my angel. You feel so fuckin’ good, baby. No one makes me feel like you do,” he whispered in my ear.

  I looked up at him and raised my eyebrows. “Nobody else better even try.”

  “Never. You are the only woman I will ever need.” He moved in and out of me, taking my breath away with each thrust. Jamie and I had no barriers. We were able to say and express exactly how we felt to each other. I always felt completely at ease with him, even the very first time we had sex. He just had a way to him. He was my lover and my best friend, which made sex with him seem even more intimate. I gently dug my fingernails into the wet skin on his shoulders. “Oh, my god, Jamie!” I screamed. His moves became quicker and harder, as my back thumped against the shower wall.

  He let out a slight groan and buried his face in my shoulder. “Oh, god, I love you so much,” he whispered in my ear. I hugged him tightly while he caught his breath. He began to sing the lyrics to our wedding song, Steal My Heart Away by Van Morrison. This was something he would always do after we made love, and it always managed to put a huge smile on my face.

  “I’m feeling very blessed,” I said, wrapping my arms around his neck.

  “Life cannot get any better than this,” he said, kissing me softly on the lips.

  The car ride home was just like the car ride there -- silent. However, this time, I didn’t feel compelled to even try and make conversation. I hadn’t said anything to Jamie about what I had seen. It hurt too much to even think about so I did my best to ignore it, pretending like it never happened. We walked into the house and I readied myself to head upstairs to bed. “Umm, don’t forget that we have an appointment with Dr. Draven tomorrow.”

  He rolled his eyes the same way he always would at the mention of the therapist’s name that we had been seeing for the past eight months. “What time?” he managed to ask.

  “Three.”

  “Well, I have a two o’clock meeting so I’m not making any promises.”

  I moved closer to him and could see the uneasiness in his eyes with me being so near. “I can only do so much, Jamie. If we want to make this work, it’s going to have to be a joint effort.” He looked away as if my words pained him. I stood there, waiting for his response, no longer able to control myself. Jamie was my husband, not that phony little redhead’s, and I wasn’t going to give up on him, or us, that easily. I grabbed his arm and pulled him into me. I couldn’t get my lips on his fast enough. He caught me off-guard when he kissed me back just as eagerly, before coming to his senses and pushing me away. His rejection stung. “Tell me, Jamie. Do you tell her that she’s the best you’ve ever had? Do you hold her and sing to her after you’re done making love to her? Or do you make her feel just as worthless as you’ve made me feel these past eight months?”

  “What the fuck are you talking about?”

  “The pretty little redhead that felt so sorry for your poor pathetic wife when you introduced me to her tonight. Tell me, does she pity me for what happened to Charlie, or does she pity me because she’s fucking my husband?”

  He didn’t know where to look as he tried escape his embarrassment. “Look at me, Jamie! Look at me and tell me that you’re willing to walk away from everything we have and I’ll be gone. I’m not ready to give up on us, but if you are, then just say the words and I’ll stop trying.”

  “Hope, stop it!”

  “Stop what? Stop trying? Stop trying to have the man that I love more than anything in this world love me back? Stop trying to make myself feel worthy of your love again? What do you want me to stop, Jamie?”

  “What do you want me to say, Hope? That everything’s going to be okay? That things are going to be the way they used to be between us? Because I don’t know if that’s ever going to happen. Or do you want me to take you upstairs and fuck you like a stranger, the same way I’ve been for the past eight months?”

  �
�I don’t know what I want any more, Jamie. I miss my husband. The man that I could tell anything to. The one that I used to laugh and cry with. The one who would hold me in his arms and comfort me whenever I was feeling down.”

  “He’s gone, Hope. He drowned in that ocean the same day that Charlie did.”

  I bit my lip and fought the tears. “So what are you trying to tell me? That I’m just keeping myself afloat in this marriage only to have you never resurface?”

  His eyes filled with tears. “I wish that I could answer that question for you, but I can’t. Because, the truth is, I don’t even know the answer to it myself.”

  I grabbed a napkin from the counter and wiped my eyes. I tried to catch my breath between sobs and gain enough composure to speak coherently. “I’m sorry for taking my eyes off him for that split second that day. I didn’t mean for it to happen. I loved him, too, and I’m hurting just as much as you. If it makes you feel a little better by punishing me for it this way, then I’m willing to subject myself to it because I still love you so much that it hurts.”

  He looked down at the floor before looking back up and finally locking eyes with me. “If I can’t even fix myself, how the hell can I even begin to think about fixing us?”

  I closed my tear-filled eyes and whispered, “I don’t know, Jamie.” I walked up the stairs to my bedroom with a heavy mind and an even heavier heart. I changed into pajamas and wrapped myself in my comforter. I grabbed the pillow on what was once Jamie’s side of the bed and hugged it tightly, crying myself into a fitful sleep.

  I sat in Dr. Draven’s waiting room, only half paying attention to the game that I was playing on my phone. 2:57, and no sign of Jamie. Dr. Draven’s door slowly opened, and he walked out and said his goodbyes to his two o’clock appointment. He smiled and waved me in.

  I took a seat on the large leather couch and waited for him to get his papers together. “Is Jamie not coming today?” he asked.

  “Umm, he had a meeting that he must not have been able to get out of.”

  Dr. Draven looked at me sympathetically as if he was reading my thoughts. He folded his hands and crossed his legs. “So, Hope, how has this past week been?”

  “With?”

  “Everything. You and Jamie. Your feelings.”

  “Well,” I looked away briefly, embarrassed to tell Dr. Draven about what I had witnessed last night.

  “Do you have something that you want to say, Hope?”

  I took a deep breath. “Last night, I saw Jamie kissing another woman.”

  He remained stone-faced and nodded as if it was no big deal. “And did you confront him about it?”

  “Yes,” I whispered.

  “And what was his response?”

  “Well, at first, he tried to play dumb, but then he finally admitted it.”

  “He admitted that he was sleeping with this woman?”

  “Well, no. But he didn’t deny it, either.”

  “How does that make you feel?”

  “Like a failure. Like I’m not worthy of his love anymore.” I felt the tears surging in my eyes. “I don’t know. Maybe I deserve it. Maybe he needs to get this out of his system and then maybe we can work on being a couple again.”

  Dr. Draven shook his head. “Hope, you don’t work on fixing a marriage by allowing indiscretions. Yes, I get that he’s understandably hurt, but so are you. You need to stop feeling as if you need to be punished for something that was out of your control.”

  “I know, but it’s the fact that he can’t have any more kids. I think that’s weighing heavy on his mind, as well. You know, Charlie was our one and only and now he’s…” I quickly grabbed a tissue and wiped my eyes.

  “Hope, I realize how much you love Jamie and that you want to make this marriage work, but maybe you need to take a step back and start healing yourself, instead of taking all the blame. And then, once you’ve done that, you can work on your marriage.”

  I tried to blink away the tears. I didn’t want to think of living a life without Jamie. However miserable that life was right now, it was still better than not having him in my life at all. Dr. Draven must have seen the apprehension that was written on my face. “Did you ever hear of that saying ‘If you love something set it free’?” I nodded. “Well, Hope, maybe you need to set Jamie free. If he comes back to you… well, you know how the rest goes.”

  I fought back the sobs that wanted to escape at the mere thought of that. He continued on for the next hour about different ways that I could alleviate my guilt. I was only half paying attention. My mind was still stuck on his advice from earlier in the session. He looked down at this watch. “Well, we’re done for today.” We both got up and he walked me to the door. “Think really hard about what we talked about, and I’ll see you next week,” he said.

  “I will,” I whispered.

  I went home to an empty house. I walked into Charlie’s room and sat on the floor. His room was left exactly the way it was on that morning before we had left for the beach. His sneakers still lay on the floor, exactly where he had left them. His favorite teddy bear was placed in the middle of his bed. His basketball hoop was overflowing with stuffed animals that he refused to get rid of. All of these things were like a bullet slamming into my heart. I was finding it hard to breathe as I picked up the picture of Jamie, Charlie, and me. It had been taken two years ago during Charlie’s first trip to Disney World. All three of us were so happy. Little did we know that our world would change so drastically just a few years later. I pulled my knees up and wrapped my arms around my legs. I buried my face and began to sob. Why was life so unfair? I would give up anything to have the day in that picture back.

  I finally pulled myself together and dialed my mom’s number. “Hey, sweetie,” she answered, picking up on the first ring.

  “Hey, Mom.” I tried my best to sound like I wasn’t crying.

  “Hope, are you okay?”

  “No, but I’m going to work on that. Do you mind if I come home and stay with you for a little bit?”

  “Honey, you know you don’t have to ask. This is still your home.”

  “Thanks, Mom. I’ll see you in a little while.”

  “Okay. Drive carefully,” she said before hanging up.

  I grabbed the picture and turned around one last time, taking in everything in Charlie’s room.

  Dr. Draven’s words played over in my head. I realized that staying in this house was getting me nowhere. I felt like a hamster running around on a wheel. I had to try to rebuild myself. I grabbed my suitcase from the closet and began packing some clothes, placing the picture that I had taken from Charlie’s room on top before zipping it up. I called Rich, the owner of the photography studio that I worked at, and told him that I needed to take a leave of absence. He seemed to understand and assured me that I was welcome back at any time. From my dresser drawer, I took the birthday card that I had gotten for Jamie’s birthday, which was tomorrow, and signed it.

  Dear Jamie ~

  I know that there isn’t much to be happy about this year, but I hope that you manage to have somewhat of a good day.

  ~ Love Always,

  Hope

  My stomach dropped when I heard the front door open. I was hoping to be gone before Jamie got home. He came upstairs and poked his head into the bedroom. “Did you get the mail?” he asked.

  “No,” I answered very shortly. I could feel my entire body trembling.

  He looked at the suitcase on the bed, then back up at me. He walked into the room and I could detect the faint smell of alcohol mixed with perfume coming off him. My stomach instantly began to churn as I backed away. “Where are you going?” he asked.

  “To my mom’s.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I need to think about some things.”

  “What things?” He raised his voice a little louder.

  “I don’t know, just things.”

  “What fuckin’ things, Hope?!�
� he shouted.

  “What do you think, Jamie?! Maybe you would know what things if you had bothered to show up to our therapy session instead of having your afternoon ‘meeting’ with your little fuck buddy.”

  A sarcastic grin flashed across his face. “What? Did you tell Dr. Draven that I’m not fucking you enough? Is that why you’re leaving, Hope? Because you want me to fuck you more?”

  I shook my head, trying to ignore his callous tone. He grabbed my wrists and pulled me toward him. “Get away from me! You’re drunk!” I broke free from his grip and pushed him as hard as I could, barley budging him.

  “Is this what you want, Hope?” He pushed me down on the bed and kissed me…hard. I scolded myself when I realized that I was kissing him back just as eagerly. This was wrong. Everything about it was so wrong. But I still didn’t stop him. He tore my shirt in his haste to take it off. He lifted my bra and exposed my breast, taking it roughly in his mouth. He pulled down his pants and boxers, and lifted my skirt, quickly pulling down my underwear. I wasn’t ready when he rammed himself into me. He lifted my leg and wrapped it around his waist. I could feel him deep inside of me. It felt like my insides were being torn apart as he relentlessly slammed into me over and over again.

  I was crying from the pain, but I still didn't stop him. I deserved to hurt. I deserved to have him make me feel this way. If it made him feel better, then I was willing to endure the pain. I knew that this wasn't my husband. It was a man who needed to take his frustrations out on someone. Suddenly, Dr. Draven’s voice crept into my head: Yes, I get that, he’s understandably hurt, but so are you. You need to stop feeling as if you need to be punished for something that was out of your control. I finally found my voice, “Jamie, please stop. You’re hurting me,” I whispered when I was no longer able to take the pain. His eyes turned softer and, in an instant, he was back into the Jamie that I knew. My best friend. My lover. My husband.