Skin Deep

by Pamela Sparkman

  “Like a feather blowing in the wind, landing right in your lap,” Lily said.

  “What?”

  “Nothing. What you said… reminded me of something.” Her cheeks flushed pink and then she motioned for me to keep going.

  “That’s pretty much it. I’ve told you guys everything.”

  “So that’s why you have nothing to do with your parents anymore?” Joe asked.

  “That’s why.”

  “Hayden, dear, my sweet boy,” Ms. Sophie said. “How lucky Annie is to have you in her life. Molly too.”

  “She doesn’t know,” I murmured.

  “Who doesn’t know what, dear?”

  “Annie. She doesn’t know that I’m her brother.”

  “Why not, dear?”

  “Molly didn’t foresee that I would ever become involved in Annie’s life. I mean, why would she? She didn’t know me. All she knew was I was the son of the man who beat her, and the son of the woman who made her life a living hell. When she introduced me to Annie as a family friend, I went along with it, thinking it would be best to let her believe that. When I met Annie she was so…fragile. All I wanted was to get her the surgery she needed and I didn’t think about anything else. I didn’t know I was going to love her so much. And here I am, two years later, wishing I could tell her the truth.”

  Ms. Sophie came over to me and held my face in her hands. “Things have a way of working themselves out, my dear boy. You’ve done nothing wrong. You’re guilty of nothing. You understand? The way I see it, you are the best thing that could have happened to Molly and Annie. And I couldn’t be prouder of you, dear.” She patted my cheeks and then hugged me. “We’ll figure it out…together. You’re not on your own with this anymore. You understand me? Everyone in this room is your family, and what happens to one of us, happens to all of us. No one in this room would ever do anything to put Molly or Annie in any type of danger. We love who you love, dear.”

  “Thank you,” I choked out, noting all of my friends nodding in agreement.

  Cooper sidled up next to me and slapped me on the back. “Well, you caught us up on Annie and Molly. Now we’re ready for you to catch us up on Beth.”

  “I don’t think I’m ready to do that yet.”

  Cooper peered at Joe…they met each other’s eyes, and then they both met mine. Together they asked, “Why not?”

  “I…it’s complicated.”

  Maggie detached herself from Joe, crossing the room until she stood in front of me. “Complicated is okay. None of us were packaged into nice neat boxes. We’ve all come from a past. We’re all a bit complicated.”

  I kept my eyes on hers for an extended minute, wrestling with my thoughts, until I breathed out, “Right. Well I’m not sure where to begin with Beth.”

  “How about from the beginning?” Maggie suggested.

  I rubbed my jaw, feeling the scruffiness, and once again tried to find a place to begin. I took a couple of steps over to the corner chair and sat. “Okay. I guess I could try to explain.” I realized my palms were sweating, so I rubbed them over my jeans while the others moved to take back their seats. Cooper brought his arm around Lily and nestled her against his side. Maggie reattached herself to Joe, resting her head on his shoulder. I stared at a piece of lint on the floor.

  “I guess it started when she would creep into my thoughts. There I’d be...sitting at the bar...or talking to you guys…working...eating...whatever...and I would think of her. At first, it was distracting, and I tried brushing it off. I would make myself focus on other things. But every time I saw her...the more she infiltrated my thoughts. It was maddening.

  “Then I realized I liked thinking about her. She could make me smile without even being present. I found myself looking forward to seeing her again. Little by little she crept into my headspace...and then somehow...she found my heart. I didn’t even realize it had happened until one day I was looking at her and this overwhelming feeling came over me. It was like…well… imagine being behind the wheel of a car. You’re driving down a winding road...with hills, dips and sharp curves. On one side is the back of a mountain...on the other, a cliff.

  I lifted my eyes from the piece of lint and viewed everyone in the room. “Now close your eyes.” I waited for them all to humor me, and when their eyes were closed I said, “Can you feel it? The panic? The uncertainty? Scared that any second you’re gonna fly off the edge of that cliff?

  “That’s how she made me feel. Like I was flying and because I didn’t know if I would survive the fall...it made me want to hold on to the feeling that much more. I didn’t know how it would end. I still don’t. Maybe I fall to the earth and walk away without a scratch. Maybe I don’t survive it at all. Maybe if I knew the outcome I would have never pursued Beth. But then I would have missed all of her different kinds of smiles. She has thirty-three different ones. I’ve counted. Surprisingly, the smile I love the most doesn’t even come from her lips. It comes from her soul and shines from her eyes. When she does that, I feel like Superman...and she’s like kryptonite. It’s in that moment that I no longer care how it ends. I’m just thankful I felt anything at all.”

  I slapped my hands on my thighs and then stood, marking the end of this sappy shit.

  “Is she in love with you?” Lily asked with reddened eyes. “Because I can’t possibly see how she couldn’t be.”

  “I don’t know,” I whispered.

  “She’s a lucky girl,” Maggie said, wiping away a tear. Joe kissed her forehead.

  I didn’t respond. I didn’t know how to. I was already hyper aware of Beth’s absence and she hadn’t even been gone twenty-four hours. I was still trying to figure out how I was going to get through the next month without her.

  “She built walls,” Cooper stated, already knowing the answer, “and you had to climb them.”

  I scoffed. “Walls?” I shook my head and leveled him with a frustrated glare. She built fu–” I glanced at Ms. Sophie. “…freaking buildings.”

  He nodded. “What did you do about them?”

  “He wrote her a song,” Joe interjected. “He sang it to her.”

  A sly, satisfied grin swept across Cooper’s face. “How did that go?”

  “She cried,” Joe interjected again.

  “Excuse me…am I allowed to answer or should I let you take it from here?”

  “Don’t get your panties in a twist. It was a good song. I even shed a tear.”

  “Wait. You were there?” Cooper asked.

  “He was supposed to be in the back,” I answered.

  “The back of what?” Cooper asked, confused.

  “I was in the back. I came out when I heard the piano.”

  “Joe said you should have never stopped playing,” Maggie said quietly.

  I lifted my eyebrows. “You told Maggie?”

  “I tell Maggie everything. I even told her about the time that girl called you a squash.”

  “Who called Hayden a squash?” Lily asked. “And what does that even mean?”

  “I dunno. Some girl I thought I liked in middle school said I looked like a squash. Nice of you to bring that up now, Joe.”

  “Maggie brought it up,” Joe said with a chuckle.

  “Yeah, and you told her about it.”

  “Who calls someone a squash?” Lily asked.

  “Apparently girls in middle school,” Joe replied. Then he tilted his head, staring at me like he was looking at an abstract painting, and then said, “Nope… still don’t get it. You look nothing like a squash. I would have come up with something better. Like…your head looks like a meatball with hair. That makes more sense than a squash. I mean, if we’re sticking strictly to food metaphors.”

  “Thank you, Joseph. I feel better now. I was worried my head looked like a squash. Good to know it looks more like puckered meat rolled into a ball.”

  “With hair. Puckered meat rolled into a ball with hair.” He flashed his pearly whites.

  “We’re calling Joe Joseph now?” L
ily asked with a giggle.

  “No, we’re not,” Joe deadpanned.

  “Yes we are,” I answered.

  “Forget about Joe for a minute. What did you do about her buildings?” Cooper asked again.

  “What do you think I did?”

  “Spiderman,” Ms. Sophie said from the corner chair where she sat observing us.

  “What?” I asked.

  “You climbed up her buildings like Spiderman on a mission.”

  “Oh dear God. Is anybody still wondering why I never said anything before?”

  “Hey, didn’t you used to have Spiderman Underoos?” Joe asked.

  “Somebody kill me.”

  “Not a chance. This is too much fun.”

  “Quick and painless. Put me out of my misery.”

  “Don’t be embarrassed. I had The Incredible Hulk Underoos,” Joe said, lowering one eyebrow and raising the other, then he reversed them, lowering and raising simultaneously. I never knew he could do that. I must have been staring because he said, “I’m not going to show you the Hulk so stop looking at me like that.”

  “Ahem,” Cooper said, clearing his throat. “Joe, may I remind you my grandmother is present?”

  “Oh, it’s all right, dear. The boy has always had a rather large imagination.”

  The whole room broke into laughter. I laughed too, and looked at all the faces that sat with me tonight, listening to me. Really listening. I knew how lucky I was to be a part of this family. But when the pain of missing Beth’s face in the crowd registered once again, I began to doubt myself. Would she ever love me the way I loved her? If not, would my love be enough for both of us?

  “Hayden, dear, what are you thinking about?”

  I blew out a breath. “Beth. I’m thinking about Beth.”

  Ms. Sophie tucked her fingers under my chin and lifted it, making me look at her. “Your love is like medicine to Beth’s soul. The proof of that is in her letters, dear.”

  “What if my love isn’t enough, Ms. Sophie?”

  Ms. Sophie smiled fondly and touched my cheek with the palm of her hand. “That’s easy, dear. Increase the dose.”

  Beth

  “One of the things we need to talk about is body image,” Ms. Howard, the Art Therapy instructor said, moving around the room. “I want each of you to draw a full body image of how you see yourself. You’ve all been given paper and pencils for this exercise. You’re not being critiqued on your art skills so don’t worry about that. This is about drawing the image that you see when you look in the mirror, your perception. Understand?”

  Everyone nodded. There were eight of us in group therapy today, and each of us got busy with the assignment. When we were finished Ms. Howard rolled out sheets of paper on the floor. We were then paired off and our next assignment was to trace the outline of our partner onto the paper and vice versa. Then we were to compare our traced bodies to the ones we drew of ourselves.

  I stared at both of my images for an untold amount of time. The drawing I had done of myself was drastically different from the one my partner, Seibel, traced of me. My drawing depicted a body that was mostly round and unflattering. Seibel’s outline of me was thin with dips and curves in places that one would expect a woman’s body to dip and curve. Ms. Howard stood behind me, looking over my shoulder.

  “You see the difference don’t you? You have a distorted view of your body, Beth. This image here,” she said, pointing to the one I had drawn, “…is how you see yourself and it’s not even a little bit accurate. This one,” she said, pointing to the traced outline, “…is how the rest of us see you.”

  The fact that I wasn’t the only one who had drawn a distortion of their body should make me feel better. It didn’t. I would never wish for others to feel badly about themselves. I did feel less alone, though. Like there was solidarity in self-loathing.

  That was our first exercise on our first day. Since then I’d spent countless hours in Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) and Occupational Therapy. I had my own nutritionist and meal plans. Yesterday we spent time in the kitchen learning better ways to prepare food, and the day before that we took a field trip to the local market. The purpose of that outing was to learn to shop for food in a healthy way by using the skills we had learned throughout our therapy sessions.

  We ate as a group and prepared food as a group. Our nutritionists even sat with us in the evenings and ate the same meals we did. They acted as supporting cheerleaders because mealtimes tend to be stressful for most of us. We had to apply our new coping techniques every time we sat down with a fork, retraining our brains to approach food in ways that will benefit us rather than destroy us. It didn’t happen overnight. But I was getting there. Little by little…I was getting there.

  Then days like today would happen. I was in a one on one session with Dr. Daniels. In front of me was a piece of cheesecake. I couldn’t remember the last time I had eaten cheesecake and actually tasted it. Ordinarily, I would shovel it in my mouth and throw it up directly after. I stared at the cake in front of me like it was a foreign object.

  “Beth, what are you thinking?”

  “I’m thinking it doesn’t feel natural for me to enjoy the cheesecake. It’s more natural for me to consume it; a means to an end.” I looked away from the cake and fixed my face to convey determination. “Eating a stupid piece of cheesecake should not be this damn hard.”

  “You sound agitated.”

  “I am.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I feel weak. I feel stupid. I feel…” I clenched my hands into fists and bit the inside of my cheek.

  I feel so goddamn weak and stupid.

  “It’s okay to feel weak and stupid. It’s also perfectly normal to have those feelings, Beth.”

  “Well that’s a relief,” I snipped and instantly regretted it. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to take my insecurities out on you. Today’s a bad day.”

  “Because of the cheesecake?”

  “Yes! Because of the fucking cheesecake! Because I’ve allowed myself to be controlled by a stupid piece of dessert! How stupid does that make me?” I scoffed at myself, abruptly stood, and paced to the window in her office. I rubbed my temples while silently begging the universe to swallow me. Or make me normal. I’ll take either.

  “Beth, I want you to know that what you’re feeling right now. It makes a lot of sense to me.”

  “It does?”

  “It does. I’m also very proud of you. You’re able to express to me why you’re so upset. You’re not trying to suppress your emotions. Allowing yourself to feel the emotions inside of you is another step in the right direction. But I would like to know what the primary emotion you’re feeling is. Weakness and feeling stupid is being driven by something else. What’s driving you to feel this way?”

  I continued to rub my temples while I contemplated her question. After a moment, I answered her. “Fear.” I glanced over my shoulder at Dr. Daniels before focusing my attention out the window again. “I feel…fear.”

  “What do you fear, Beth?”

  “Everything. I fear everything.” I watched a leaf blow across the ground and join up with another leaf before they separated and blew around in tiny circles. Eventually they fell back to the ground. It appeared to me like the leaves were waiting for the wind to come back and blow them away again. I felt a lot like those leaves. Drifting…no control of where the wind takes me. “I feel like an aglet,” I murmured.

  “An aglet?”

  “You know…the plastic thing on the end of your shoelaces.”

  “Explain.”

  I pivoted my body enough so I could look at her and gave her the condensed version of what I meant. “ Overlooked. Insignificant. Nothing special. The thing no one pays attention to.” I returned to my former position and trained my eyes once again on the blowing leaves.

  For a while Dr. Daniels remained quiet, letting me get lost inside my thoughts. Then she said, “Tell me about Hayden.”

  My head snapped
around. “How do you know about Hayden?”

  She smiled with closed lips. “He’s been calling the Center every day since you arrived asking about you. Of course, because of doctor-patient confidentiality I haven’t been able to tell him much, but he still calls…every day, like clockwork.”

  I didn’t say anything. I didn’t know what to say.

  “I haven’t met him,” she went on to say, “although something tells me that you aren’t nothing special to him. In fact, I would bet my life savings that you are something very special.”

  “How did he…” I cleared my throat, “how does he sound?”

  “Like a man in love.”

  A tear slid down my cheek and I nodded. I missed him so much.

  “You’re going to be okay, Beth. We’re going to tackle all of these feelings together. You need to accept yourself…and love yourself. If you want to keep moving forward you must do those two things. I’ll help you get there. It’s not an easy road, I won’t lie. But where is it written that it’s supposed to be? It’s bumpy and at times downright painful. Some pain is necessary and we endure it because the pain is worth the reward. Like childbirth. Consider this pain a rebirth of sorts. I promise you, it will be worth it.” After another moment of silence, Dr. Daniels said, “Now get over here and eat this cheesecake. Savor it. Enjoy it. I made it myself so I know it tastes like heaven.” I could hear the smile through her words.

  And I did eat the damn cheesecake. I ate it slowly. I savored each bite. I closed my eyes and imagined Hayden laughing. I imagined dancing in his arms under the stars. I also pictured myself when I was a child, back when eating wasn’t something I feared. I pulled out the memory of Dad making chocolate chip pancakes, and me happily eating them. I let myself feel all the emotions I had trapped inside. And I didn’t hate myself for it. So there’s that.

  The clock on the wall said time was up, so I made my way to the door.

  “Oh Beth, one more thing,” Dr. Daniels called out.