Skin Deep

by Pamela Sparkman

I stopped mid-step and turned to face her. “Yes?”

  “People may not always notice aglets because they make life easier and they don’t require a lot of attention. But they always, always notice when they’re gone, because things become frayed and impossible to manage without them. Never underestimate the impact you have on others, Beth. You’d be surprised how important you really are.”

  Hayden

  For the next few days I did what I always did. I got up. I showered. I brushed my teeth. I got dressed. Each task completed got a mental check mark. It was how I got through my days. Without the list Beth would consume my thoughts entirely. Is she feeling better? How does she spend her days…her nights? Is she sad? Is she happy? Is she eating?

  Is she okay?

  The not knowing was crippling, and whenever that crippling feeling of helplessness swept over me, I did my best to push it down. I also called the Center every day to check on her. Even though they never told me anything specific it still helped to talk to somebody and at least hear that she was okay. If she weren’t okay she would tell me. Somebody would tell me. I had to believe that.

  I reminded myself on a constant loop that Beth was doing exactly what I wanted for her – to get help – to seek treatment. It was on my first list of goals…and yes, I checked it off the list the night I found out she left. I carried that list around inside my wallet like people carry cash or photos. That list was my why.

  I put one foot in front of the other and went about my days with a purpose. Today’s purpose was uniting my two families together. Today, Annie would meet Cooper, Lily, Joe, Maggie, and Ms. Sophie. We were going to Joe and Maggie’s for a backyard barbeque. It was an incredible feeling to bring my two worlds together. I needed this. Molly would be coming too because Molly and Annie…they’re a package deal. I wouldn’t dream of leaving Molly out. She needed this almost as much as I did. I told her that if I could give her a sense of family then it was my gift to her, to repay her for letting me be a part of their lives. That was something money couldn’t buy.

  I was happy when she agreed to go.

  Opening the door to Molly and Annie’s apartment was something I normally didn’t do because Annie always opened the door for me, sometimes even before I made it to the door if she saw me out the window first. Today, though, she didn’t greet me at the door. Molly yelled, “It’s open!” after I knocked.

  “Hey,” I said, stepping inside, “Where’s Annie?”

  Molly offered me an almost smile when she said, “Annie is getting ready in her room. She keeps changing outfits.”

  “Why?”

  “She…uh…wants to look nice today. She’s never been to a barbeque before and we’ve never met your friends. I think we’re both kind of nervous.” Molly smoothed out the front of her blouse. “Is this okay to wear to your friend’s house? I don’t want to embarrass you or anything.”

  She was wearing a red off the shoulder sweatshirt, jeans, and a pair of red sneakers. Seemed perfect for a backyard barbeque to me. “Embarrass me? How would you embarrass me?”

  “I…I don’t–”

  “Molly, I didn’t invite you to meet my friends so they could scrutinize you and Annie. I wouldn’t allow anybody to do that. I invited you two because you guys are my family, and so are they. I wouldn’t send you into the belly of lion. Relax.”

  “You’re right. I know. I’m sorry.” She straightened her shoulders and called out to Annie, “You ready, honey?”

  “Is Kish here?” Annie yelled from her room.

  “I’m here,” I answered. “And I’m starving. You ready?”

  She reluctantly stepped out into the hallway, a pensive look on her face. She stood there like I might deem her unworthy and send her back to her room. The shyness she was suddenly showing me was so out of character for her. She’s never cared about what she was wearing. She’s five for goodness sake! What five-year old feels this self-conscious about meeting new people? She wasn’t nervous when she met Beth. In fact, she was very animated and talkative. Why the sudden change?

  I went down on my knees so I was eye level with her, even though we were on opposite ends of the hallway. “I see you’re wearing the blue sweater I bought you.” She nodded. “It looks pretty on you.” She still didn’t move. “Why do you look like you’re about to meet the big bad wolf?”

  “Will Beth be there?”

  “No, punkin. Remember? I told you she had to go away for a while. She’ll be back soon. Oh, and she said to tell you that she misses you. I have her address…you wanna color her a picture? We can send it to her. I bet she would love that.”

  “If I color her a picture today, could we mail it to her tomorrow?”

  “Absolutely. Is that what’s bothering you? You miss Beth?”

  She shrugged. “Yeah.”

  “Me too. But I promise we’ll have fun today. Okay?”

  “Okay.”

  She still didn’t move.

  “What else is bothering you?”

  “Nothing,” she muttered.

  “Do I smell bad or something?”

  A giggle escaped her tiny body. “No.”

  I smelled my armpit. “You sure?”

  A fuller giggle traveled from her, down the hallway, and hit me in the heart before she said, “I’m sure.”

  “Then why are we having this conversation with you way over there and me way over here?”

  Her smile was like a shooting star, quickly illuminating her face, and then slowly fading out. “What if they don’t like me?”

  “Who?”

  “Your friends.”

  I had to keep reminding myself how old Annie was. She was only five, but I swear to God she had the heart and mind of someone much older. She was the oldest five-year old I’d ever known. “They’re gonna love you. I promise. Now turn that frown upside down and come give me a hug.”

  She finally moved, and when she hugged me, I made sure to give her an extra squeeze. “You ready to ride, Clyde?”

  “Yep. Let’s roll, Joel.”

  Right before the door opened, Annie reached up and squeezed my hand. I gently squeezed hers back.

  “Hi guys!” Maggie said, opening the door wide and stepping to the side. “Come in, come in!” Maggie hugged me first then I stepped to the side so she could greet Molly. She held out her hand, and Molly took it. “Hi, Molly, I’m Maggie, and I’m so happy to meet you.”

  “I’m happy to meet you, too.”

  Maggie’s eyes drifted to Annie’s, and Maggie squatted in front of her. Annie still had a firm grip on my hand. “Hi. You must be Annie.”

  Annie nodded.

  “I’ve been so excited to meet you.”

  “You have?”

  “I have. Very much so. My name is Maggie, and I have a feeling we’re gonna be good friends.”

  “You do?”

  “I do. And I’m always right about these things.”

  “Right about what things, love?” Joe asked, walking towards us carrying a small stuffed dog.

  “I was explaining to Annie here how I knew she and I were gonna be good friends.”

  “Ah,” Joe said, holding up his index finger. “Yes, she’s always right about these things. Take me for example. She told me I was going to be her friend, too. Next thing I knew we were married.” Annie giggled. “I don’t think you’ll have to worry about marrying Maggie, though, since, you know, I already married her.”

  Annie looked at me with questions in her eyes. The first question being…who is this guy? I laughed and pointed at Joe with my thumb. “Annie, this is Joe. You’ll love him. All kids do.”

  “Ah shucks, Hayden. You’re gonna make me blush.”

  “Why are you carrying a stuffed animal?” Annie asked.

  “Well, I thought maybe you might like this little guy.” Joe held it out to show her. “My nieces each have one just like it and I thought…” he shrugged, “…I thought maybe you might like one too.”

  Annie let go of my hand and extended both a
rms out. “You got that for me?”

  Joe placed the stuffed dog in her arms and nodded. He looked at Molly. “That’s okay, right? You don’t mind do you?”

  I looked behind me, and gently pulled Molly forward. She wanted to blend into the scenery, and I wasn’t going to let her. “Um, no, I don’t mind,” Molly answered. “That was thoughtful of you. Thank you.”

  “Joe, meet Molly. Molly, meet Joe.”

  “It’s a pleasure. Please come in and make yourselves at home. I’ll introduce you to the rest of the gang.”

  Following them into the house, Annie quickly found my hand again.

  “Oh my heavens!” Ms. Sophie said, entering the living room. “This must be Annie!”

  “It is,” I said, beaming. “Annie, this is Ms. Sophie.”

  “Hi,” Annie said, shyly.

  “Hello there. My, aren’t you a pretty little thing.”

  “Thank you.”

  “And manners!” Ms. Sophie said brightly. She looked at Molly. “You must be Molly.”

  “I am.”

  “I can tell already you have done an amazing job with this one. She’s lovely, dear.”

  Molly’s face lit up. She’s had no one to tell her what a wonderful job she’s done with Annie other than me. “I – I appreciate that. Thank you.”

  “Of course, dear. I am truly happy to meet you both. Let’s go out back. Cooper and Lily are out manning the grill. They’ve been looking forward to meeting you too.”

  Joe slid up behind me and said, “Hold up a minute.”

  I stopped and turned around. “What’s up?”

  He tilted his head towards Ms. Sophie. “Did you see how her face lit up when she saw Annie. All her life she’s been stuck with a bunch of boys.” He shook his head, grinned, and nudged his chin forward. “She’s finally getting a girl.”

  Through the window, I spotted Ms. Sophie out on the patio, introducing Cooper and Lily to Annie and Molly. Annie was holding her stuffed dog in one hand and Ms. Sophie’s hand in the other. “You’re right,” I said with realization. “She’s finally getting a girl.”

  For the next few hours Molly and Annie got to know everyone. The fact that Annie was hanging around an all adult crowd didn’t seem to faze her. Maggie had brought out sheets of plain white paper, crayons, and markers. She was perfectly happy…perfectly content drawing and coloring. It probably helped that Joe kept her laughing.

  “If Maggie and I ever have a son, I want all of his shirts to have Velcro strips on the shoulders…that way it would be super easy to add a cape.”

  “A cape?” I asked.

  Maggie rolled her eyes, and Joe saw her. “What? It’s a brilliant idea. He could be getting ready for school and decide at the last minute…hey, today I wear a cape…and voila…all he has to do is Velcro it on and it’s cape day.”

  “Cape day?” Annie asked behind a giggle.

  “Yes. Cape day. What do you think, Annie?”

  “It sounds fun to me. But girls can wear capes too.”

  “You know what…you are absolutely right.” Joe turned to Maggie. “So if we have a girl…she gets the Velcro strip thingies on her shirts too. Annie, if you could be any superhero, who would you want to be?”

  Annie’s face scrunched up while she seriously considered Joe’s question. She looked at her fingers and picked at her pink nail polish. “I don’t think I want to be anyone’s hero.”

  “Why not?” Joe asked.

  “I just want to be me,” Annie answered quietly.

  “You know,” Cooper said, “I think every superhero would have answered that question exactly the way you did.”

  “They would?”

  “They would. At least, I think they would. Superheroes don’t go around asking to be heroes. And none of them wants to be recognized. Think about it. All of them wear a disguise. They want to stay hidden.” Cooper zoomed right in on me when he said, “Not even their families know how much they sacrifice and the lengths they go to protect those they love.”

  I cleared my throat, wanting to change the subject, but Cooper wasn’t finished. He had a gleam in his eye, and something that bounced off of him, made a trip around the patio table, and came right back to him, like a boomerang. It was infectious since everyone sitting around the table was mirroring his exuberance. I could feel his excitement vibrating in my bones. Cooper leaned in towards Lily, and when he was a hair’s breath away from her ear, he asked, “Can we tell them now?”

  She nodded bashfully. “Let me do it, okay?”

  He rested his forehead on hers for a minute and then conceded. “Okay.”

  Lily lifted her eyes and smiled. “Everyone. We have something to–”

  “Lily and I are having a baby!” Cooper shouted. “God, I’ve wanted to say that for so long!”

  “Hey! You said you would let me tell them,” Lily said, laughing and swatting playfully at his chest.

  “I’m sorry. I have been dying to tell everyone for weeks!”

  “That’s true. He wanted to tell all of you the minute he found out,” Lily said, laying her head on Cooper’s shoulder.

  “So how far along are you?” Maggie asked excitedly.

  “Four months.”

  “You waited four months to tell us?”

  “I wanted to wait until I passed my first trimester. We – uh – we wanted to be sure that I would be able to…you know…that I could…” Lily glanced at Annie and lowered her voice. “…because of what happened to me. We weren’t sure…”

  She didn’t finish her sentence. She didn’t have to. She’d been beaten and left for dead. She almost died, and most likely would have if Cooper hadn’t saved her. Damn. I never even considered she might not be able to get pregnant or carry a baby. Everyone at the table must have caught on to what she was saying at the same time (minus Molly who didn’t know the story) because everyone got quiet.

  Then Ms. Sophie broke the silence. “A baby! Oh my goodness…we’re having a baby!” She hopped up quickly and made her way to where Cooper promptly stood so his grandmother could hug him. “This is the best news, dear! Oh, a baby!” She squeezed Cooper until near death… and then carefully hugged Lily. “I’m overjoyed!”

  “Congratulations, you guys!” I chimed in.

  “I knew it!” Joe yelled, pointing at Cooper. “I knew there was something going on with you!”

  All at once there was so much commotion. Everyone was talking over everyone else. Lips moving, hands gesturing in excitement, people hugging. I loved it.

  I hated that Beth wasn’t here to enjoy this moment with all of us. While I watched everyone hugging each other and so buoyant with joy, I was sinking. My head was still above water, but I was exhausted trying to stay afloat. Sometimes I wanted to sink to the bottom.

  “Here you go, Kish,” Annie said, sliding a picture she had drawn towards me. “This is for Beth. Can we send it to her tomorrow like you promised?”

  I studied the drawing, everyone still chattering and caught up in the celebratory news. “Of course, punkin.” There were four stick people…three with long yellow hair and one with short yellow hair. “So who are these people?” I questioned.

  “Well that one is Mommy,” she said, pointing to the yellow haired girl on the end. “This one is me. Then you…then Beth.” We were all in a line, all holding hands. The sun was behind us, grass was below us.

  “It’s beautiful,” I said solemnly. “She’s going to love this.”

  “I miss her, too,” Annie said, placing her small hand on mine. Then she crawled into my lap and kissed me on the cheek. I felt a little of the sadness drift away. How could it not? A bit of your sadness would drift away too if Annie were a part of your life. You would have to be made of stone and mortar if it didn’t. I wasn’t made of stone and mortar. I was made of flesh and bones with a heart that sometimes felt like it was made of glass. I hugged her close to me, smelling her apple scented hair. My eyes lifted and casually drifted where they eventually landed on Molly, who
was watching her daughter with tenderness. Molly smiled, and I returned a small smile of my own.

  I was happy for Lily and Cooper. Any child would be lucky to have those two as parents. Hell, I was almost jealous that I hadn’t been lucky enough to have parents like Coop and Lil. I silently vowed to be a part of the welcoming committee when that day came. As it was, I was presently still trying not to sink under the weight of missing Beth. My life was off center when she wasn’t by my side. I took another look around. I had Annie and Molly. I had Ms. Sophie. I had Joe and Maggie, and Cooper and Lily, so I had everything I needed to stay afloat.

  At least for now.

  I ratcheted up a smile and inserted myself into the fold of oooohs and aaaahs, baby name suggestions, and possible dates for a baby shower. Life was still going on after all. It doesn’t stop because I ache inside.

  “If you have a boy I think you should name him Brutus,” Joe teased. “No one in their right mind would pick on someone named Brutus. B.A.O.S. He’ll be set for life.”

  “What is B.A.O.S.?” Lily asked

  “Bad Ass On Site,” Joe said proudly.

  “What if you and Maggie have a boy?” Cooper asked.

  “Hulk,” Joe said, like it was a foregone conclusion.

  “You’re crazy, you know that?” Cooper said through all the smiling he was doing. Nothing could bring him down from the cloud he was riding. He was the happiest I’d ever seen him.

  “I prefer eccentric.”

  “You can prefer it, but crazy is still crazy.”

  “You know your life would be boring without me.”

  Molly laughed. “Truth. Before today I can attest to the fact that my life was definitely less thrilling.”

  “Ah, are you fangirling over me, Molly?”

  “If you tell him yes, we’re gonna have to buy a bigger house,” Maggie said. “No way will the three of us fit in the one we have now.”

  “The three of us?” Joe asked.

  “Yes. You, me, and your ego.”

  “Wait, Mol…I think I feel insulted. I didn’t bring thrill to your life?” I asked in mock offense.

  Molly looked almost apologetic and then she shrugged her shoulders with nonchalance.