by E. L. Todd
I walked into the restaurant and took a seat at the table. “Hey, how’s it going?” I grabbed the menu and browsed.
“Marie is back on her feet. Took her a while though.”
“I said what’s new with you.”
“She is me, idiot. And I thought she had alcohol poisoning for a second.”
“She’s fine now?” I asked, genuinely concerned.
“Yeah, I took care of her. I love having sex with her when she’s drunk, but she was way too drunk for that.”
TMI.
His phone rang and he answered it. “Hey, baby. What’s up?”
Of course, it was Marie. I kept looking through the selections since I had nothing else to do. I would probably get a salad. It’s what I usually got.
“You want to join us?” he asked. “We’re at Firebrick.”
The only time it was just he and I was when we were playing basketball and that was because Marie didn’t play basketball.
“Yeah,” he said into the phone. “Bring Francesca too.”
That caught my attention.
“Alright, see you soon. Love you.”
I tried not to roll my eyes.
“Bye.” He hung up and set the phone on the table. “My fiancée is coming.”
“So I heard.”
“She’s bringing Francesca.”
“I heard that too.”
“Any progress with her?”
It was tense when I talked about other women, but it was particularly awkward when I talked about his sister. “A little. She slept over last night.”
Axel’s eyes widened slightly but he didn’t look angry. “Yeah?” He didn’t ask for the details.
“We just slept together, nothing else.” Whenever a girl spent the night, it usually meant sex was involved, and I didn’t want Axel to get the wrong idea.
“And you just slept?”
Well, we were buck-naked but the details were irrelevant. “Yeah.”
“Then why was she there?”
I shrugged. “Haven’t you ever just slept with Marie? You know, cuddled?”
“Yeah, but I’m marrying her. I assumed that a couple getting back together would be hot and bothered for each other.”
We are. We definitely are. “She and I are different. We just like to be together sometimes.”
“So, is there a reconciliation on the horizon?”
“Yes, but I don’t think it’s going to happen overnight. I don’t mind being patient. I know I really hurt her.”
Axel didn’t agree with me, which was a first. And he wasn’t so protective of her either. Maybe he was beginning to realize that she was an independent woman and capable of taking care of herself.
Marie and Francesca walked into the restaurant and headed to our table. Francesca wore a leather jacket over her t-shirt, trying to cover up the flour on her clothes. Her hair was in a loose bun. I liked it when she pulled her hair back. She had a beautiful face with nice cheekbones. Our eyes locked when she approached, and a silent conversation happened between us.
“Hey, baby.” Axel immediately jumped out of his chair and kissed Marie. “You’re looking really hot in that dress.”
“Thanks.” Like always, color tinted her cheeks.
I noticed Axel complimented her left and right, but his words didn’t seem empty.
Francesca came to my side of the table and watched me with hesitation.
I stood up but didn’t touch her. “Hi.”
“Hi.”
Our greetings were still awkward, even after everything that happened over the past few months. “Managed to get away from work for a little bit?”
“Yeah, I was starving.”
I pulled out the chair for her without thinking twice about it.
She eyed it before she sat down.
I pulled in my chair and sat beside her, aware of how close we were. I wanted to grab her hand and hold it on my thigh but I managed not to. This weird relationship, being friends and almost lovers, was confusing. Sometimes, I thought it was okay if I gave her public affection, but when I read her mood, I knew it wasn’t.
After Axel and Marie finished their smooch-fest, they sat down.
“Want to split something?” Axel asked.
This guy couldn’t be more whipped.
“Sure,” Marie said. “How about the spaghetti?”
“Perfect,” he answered. Then he asked her about her day.
Francesca and I were pretty much ignored.
I cleared my throat. “How are things?”
“Good,” she said. “You?”
I just saw her the other day and there wasn’t anything new to discuss. “Good. All work and no play.”
“You’re at lunch. It looks like you have some leeway.”
“Only because my boss is a decent guy.” I smiled at my own joke.
“I don’t know…he seems like a real jerk to me.”
“But a hot one, right?”
“He’s okay,” she said with a shrug.
I playfully brushed her leg with mine under the table. “You’re full of it.”
“He’s named after a bird,” she said. “How cool could he be?”
I tried not to laugh. “You’re lucky you’re cute.”
“Or what?” she challenged.
I wanted to grab her face and kiss her hard on the mouth. The need gripped me by the throat and squeezed. When she sassed me back like that, it turned me on. She was so sexy and adorable at the same time. “Or the next time you sleep over we won’t actually sleep.”
Her teasing nature immediately disappeared. A look of desire replaced it, and when she realized her feelings were on display, she sipped her water to hide it.
The waiter came to our table, and our eye contact was broken by his presence. When it was my turn to order, I looked at the menu as I made my selection. My phone vibrated on the table with a text message but I didn’t look at it. “I’ll take the seafood pasta.”
“Very good, sir.” He took our menus before he walked away.
Once he was gone, I glanced at my phone. To my horror, it was Cassandra.
I want you to give it to me like you did last time. XOXO. And to top it off, there was a scandalous picture of her. She lay on her bed with the camera pointed down. Her blonde hair was sprawled out on the sheets, and her perfect body was covered in only a push-up bra and a thong.
I immediately locked the screen in the hope that Francesca didn’t see it.
But she did.
I could tell by the sudden coldness emanating from her. She wouldn’t make eye contact with me, and she purposely looked out the window, keeping her shoulders slightly turned away from me.
Fuck. My. Life.
I wanted to fix it then and there but I couldn’t with Marie and Axel sitting across from us. I couldn’t afford any setbacks right now, not when Francesca was so fragile. It was one thing for Cassandra to ask me to hook up, but why did she have to send a picture? She had nothing on Francesca, but of course, Francesca would feel threatened by a beautiful woman who had the confidence to take a picture like that.
I was screwed.
***
At the end of lunch, we said goodbye on the sidewalk.
“Baby, I’ll walk you to the office.” Axel put his arm around her waist.
“I can make it on my own,” Marie said.
“Come on,” Axel said. “You’re going to be my wife soon. I don’t mind.”
Yes, just walk away.
“I’ll see you guys later.” Francesca made a quick wave before she darted down the sidewalk, clearly trying to get away from me.
I didn’t bother saying goodbye to them when I followed after her. “Francesca.”
She quickened her pace.
I wasn’t going to chase her down. That wasn’t my style.
She didn’t look back, but she stopped at a cross walk because she needed to get across the street. She pressed the button, and when the light didn’t change, she pressed it again anxiously.
&
nbsp; I stopped by her side. “It’s not what you think.”
She pressed the button again like that would make me go away. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“I’m not sleeping with her anymore.”
“She’s gorgeous. Maybe you should start again.”
I gritted my teeth and managed not to growl. Francesca was never the jealous type, and I loved that about her. “How could you possibly be threatened by her? I’m in love with you, but she’ll always be some chick that I won’t remember.”
Francesca tapped her foot as she waited for the light to change.
“I’m sorry that she texted me but that was out of my control.”
The light finally turned green and she immediately took off.
I matched her pace. When we reached the opposite side, I grabbed her by the arm and pulled her out of the way of the crowd. “It happened over a month ago. End of story.”
She crossed her arms over her chest and watched the people walk by.
“Aren’t you going to say something?”
She slowly turned to me, the anger in her eyes. “I am going to say something. You’re wrong.”
“I’m wrong?” About what?
“I have every right to be threatened by her. Because while I was curled up in a ball in my bed every single day after you left, you were spending your nights with nobodies just like her. You say you love me, but you leave. You never leave those girls. Anytime they come back for another round, you’re available. So, yes. I should be threatened by a gorgeous supermodel that sends racy photos to you.” Her eyes welled up with tears and her voice cracked with emotion.
I felt like shit.
“You know what? I stand by what I said before. This is never going to work. Maybe I need to get over what happened and stop living in the past, but that’s not so simple to accomplish. Not once did you call or check on me. You just disappeared. My mom was taken from me, and then my dad abandoned me. Then you did the same thing. I’m not going through that again, Hawke. We’re done—for good.”
***
Why did she have to text me?
Why did this entire thing blow up in my face?
Why did I have to leave Francesca to begin with?
I gave Francesca space because I knew how upset she was. She needed time to calm down and ground herself. She was the kind of person who needed to lick her own wounds. No one could do it for her.
I was terrified I would never fix us. Too much damage had been done. She was constantly scared she was going to lose me again, so she always kept me at a distance. When I got too close, she found a reason to leave.
I didn’t know what to do.
After a week of silence, I showed up at her door. I stood outside for a long time before I finally had the courage to knock. She would probably look through the peephole and realize it was me. Then she wouldn’t answer it.
But she did answer it.
Her walls were up the minute she looked at me. Eyes void of all emotion stared back at me, and her normally jubilant attitude had disappeared. She wasn’t ready to talk to me. A week wasn’t long enough.
“Can I come in?”
She didn’t open the door wider. In fact, she didn’t say anything at all.
“There’s something I’d like to say, but I’d rather not do it in the hallway.”
Francesca considered my request before stepping aside.
I entered her apartment and no longer felt collected like usual. I was actually scared that I would fail. If I never made this right, I would never have the one thing I wanted.
Everything was on the line.
“I just wanted to say—”
“I realized how deep I’d gotten in with you,” she crossed her arms over her chest as she stood in the middle of her living room, “when I saw her name on your phone and what she said… Well, I died inside. I know you aren’t mine but knowing you were someone else’s, even for a short period of time, kills me. And that’s what scares me. The fact I’ve fallen so hard all over again terrifies me. That’s why I flipped out. That’s why I got upset. It wasn’t because I was jealous. It was just because I hated myself for letting you in.”
I put my hands in my pockets and let seconds of silence pass. I wanted to make sure she was finished before I spoke. When I realized she was done, I took my turn. “I understand that. It makes perfect sense.”
Her hair was in a braid over one shoulder and it reached past her chest. I loved it when she wore her hair like that. It was so innocent and so sexy at the same time.
“You were right about what you said before. I never called, and I never came back for you. You’ve never really had a chance to tell me how you felt. You never told me what you went through. I want you to tell me. I want you to scream at me. I want you to let it out.”
She slowly turned to me, her gaze unreadable.
“Francesca, tell me.” I sat down on the couch and watched her. “I want to know.”
She moved to the seat beside me and rested her hands in her lap.
I wanted to wrap my arm around her waist but I kept it to myself. I wanted to pull her into my lap but I managed not to. She needed me to listen, and that’s what I would do.
“You want to listen to me whine?” she asked incredulously.
“It’s not whining. Talk to me.” We could never move on unless she put the past behind her. She needed to confront me, to get all the ill feelings off her chest. I knew it would hurt me, but I deserved to be hurt.
“My life was a bit of a blur. I repressed most of it, honestly. Every night, I would go to sleep and hope I wouldn’t wake up the next morning. I’m not trying to be dramatic, like losing a boyfriend is something to make you stop living. But you filled the hole that formed when I lost my parents. My mom left involuntarily, but my dad…chose to leave. You fixed all of that. And when you left…I went through that loss all over again.
“I lost my faith in love. I lost my faith in everything. Marie and Axel looked after me the best they could, but I gave into the darkness and took Marie’s pain killers…the entire bottle.”
I wasn’t sure if I could listen to this. It broke my heart—literally.
“I passed out and can’t remember the rest. When I woke up, I was in the hospital. Marie said they pumped my stomach and got everything out before it was too late. Her shift ended early that night. If it hadn’t…I wouldn’t be here right now.”
I closed my eyes in anguish.
“Marie and Axel paid more attention to me after that. When I wasn’t with one, the other was there. They traded shifts, working out a schedule to be with me. After the episode with the painkillers, I didn’t try anything else. I wasn’t suicidal. I just had a bad night when I spotted the pills in the bathroom.”
No wonder why Axel was so hard on me.
Francesca continued talking about her life after I was gone. It was lonely and cold, and she didn’t know how to go on after the fire died out. There was no blame in her tone. In fact, she judged herself for collapsing so hard. “I was angry with my father for leaving us…but then I did the same thing to Axel. I can’t believe I put him through that.” Droplets formed on her eyes then they fell down her cheeks. She sniffed loudly and tried to stop herself. Her fingers wiped the moisture away, and her chest heaved because it wanted to release everything inside.
“Let it out.” I moved my hand to hers.
She blinked quickly and kept trying to stop herself.
“Muffin, don’t keep it bottled inside.” I pulled her into my lap and pressed her face into my neck. Once she was against me, she sobbed. Her body convulsed in my arms and she cried her heart out. I’d seen her teary-eyed a few times, but she never bawled like this.
I ran my hand through her hair and down her back to soothe her, but nothing could fix a broken heart. I knew I did this. It was my fault. When I turned around and left, I knew it would hurt her. But I didn’t understand the destruction in my wake. I thought I was saving her, but in reality, I w
as destroying her.
An hour passed before her tears started to dwindle. She sniffed and wiped her cheeks, and there was a long pause before her eyes were finally dry. She clung to me and didn’t break her hold. Eventually, she fell asleep. Her chest rose and fell at a steady rate. Her body was exhausted from the emotional hit.
I gathered her in my arms and carried her into the bedroom. When I lay her down, she didn’t wake up. Her hair cascaded across the pillow, and she looked like a mermaid lying on the beach.
I removed my clothes, except my boxers, then got into bed beside her. My arms formed a protective cage around her, and my eyes took in the beautiful features of her face. The skin around her eyes was slightly red from constantly rubbing the area, and her nose was irritated too. Even when she cried, she still looked beautiful.
My absence caused her unnecessary pain, and I would always regret that. I didn’t trust myself to be the man she deserved, to control my anger and sheath it rather than unleash it. But I had to do it for her. If I just focused and channeled my anger into a positive outlet, I could do it. If I just left the situation whenever I was angry, there should never be an issue. When I saw Kyle at the gym, I wanted to break his neck, but I managed to keep my arms by my sides. I didn’t say a word because I knew that would open the gates of my rage. Thankfully, he left the situation so I didn’t have to.
There was no other option. If I couldn’t make this work, I would lose Francesca forever. My life would be hollow and empty, and the beauty that filled it would disappear. I’d been with hundreds of gorgeous women and there wasn’t a single flaw in any of them. But never once did I feel anything more than lust. Not once did I want something more.
But when I met Francesca, I did.
Axel could call me a pussy for thinking she was my soul mate. People could judge me all they wanted. I knew how crazy it sounded. But it was the truth. I recognized it a long time ago. There was a connection between us, and even when we were hundreds of miles apart, that connection still rang true.
This was where I was meant to be.
New Beginnings
Francesca
When I woke up the following morning, I felt weightless. The baggage sitting on my shoulders had disappeared. Somehow, I felt better. I felt different.
