Never Be the Same

by M. A. Binfield

  “That is a terrible lie to tell my dear old mom, but also completely inspired.” Casey laughed.

  “The second confession’s nowhere near as bad, but I totally want to post a photo of myself up here to make Louise jealous. She’s always telling me how weak my Instagram game is. I’m going to surprise her.” Olivia held out her phone with a grin. “Will you?”

  “Sure.” Casey took the phone. She retreated a few steps so she could get the table, Olivia, and the amazing view in a single shot and snapped away. Olivia looked incredible. It wasn’t that Casey hadn’t noticed—she had. It was that seeing her through the lens of the camera somehow made her seem altogether more perfect. Her hair was tied back in a loose ponytail, the color of the T-shirt made her eyes seem a darker shade of hazel, and the arms showing beneath the capped sleeves were so smooth and perfectly formed that Casey wanted to run her hands along them, as if they were on a marble statue.

  She watched with a smile as Olivia chose and then posted, one of the pictures. She showed Casey the post. She had tagged herself as being at the Shard and written about it being the high point of her trip, at the highest point in London. Given her own dislike of people showing off on social media, Casey found it surprisingly cute.

  Olivia held up the phone again. “Now, a selfie with the two of us.”

  “No, it’s okay.” Casey’s response was instant.

  “Come on, it’s a great view. It’ll be a great photo.” Olivia waggled the phone in her direction, an expectant look on her face.

  “I’m just not into that. I’m pretty private.” Casey felt churlish refusing, but she wasn’t keen for Hannah, or any of their friends, to see her hanging out with Olivia Lang. And thanks to the numerous videos Hannah had posted that made Casey seem like some kind of monster, she doubted Olivia, if she knew any of that, would be that thrilled to be seen hanging out with her either.

  “Okay, no problem. I’m sorry. I wasn’t going to post it. It was just going to be a little memory of this trip for me. But I should know better than anyone not to force that kind of thing on people.” Olivia put her phone on the table seeming embarrassed. She finished her martini.

  “What’s your third?”

  Olivia looked at her with a confused expression.

  “Your third confession. You said you had three.”

  “Oh, that. I just wanted to confess that your romance radar is a thousand times more powerful than mine.” Olivia touched her empty glass to Casey’s in a toast. “Louise and Liam. You were completely right about them. They both have the same kind of feelings for each other. But neither of them has said a word about it—apart from to tell me.” She leaned a little closer, putting a hand lightly on Casey’s arm. “But I’m telling you now, so we both get to be piggy in the middle.”

  She sat back. Casey felt the loss of her touch, her skin still warm where Olivia’s fingers had been. She needed to get a grip. The way her body was reacting to Olivia, to her proximity, was not something she was used to.

  “Wow. Well, I hope it works out for them. But that’s kind of tough on you.” Casey made herself say words.

  “Yeah, a little. But mostly I fear for them. They’re friends and they work together. It’s going to be hard if things don’t work out. It’s one of the downsides of dating people in the industry. But I guess if you spend all your time working, then it’s kind of hard to meet people who aren’t in the industry.” She shrugged, and Casey felt her heart sink a little in her chest, wondering if that was Olivia’s way of letting her know that she and Billie had something going on. She wanted to ask but didn’t have the nerve.

  “We’ve got time for another.” She kept her tone light. “At least you have, I’m driving so I better keep nursing this. If you like bourbon, give it a try. The menu said it was an old-fashioned old-fashioned—whatever that means. But it’s pretty good.”

  Whatever this was between them, Casey liked being with Olivia and she didn’t want them to leave yet.

  Olivia looked at her phone. “I’ve got time if you have. I don’t want to make you late to collect the lovebirds.”

  Casey signaled the waiter.

  “And if you’re free later…Forget it, sorry.”

  “What?” Casey was curious.

  “Nothing.”

  “It was clearly something.”

  Olivia looked at her like she was appraising her, appraising the situation. And then she nodded ever so slightly as if she had decided on something.

  “Can I be honest? Even if it means embarrassing myself.”

  “I’d hope you would be.” Casey paused. “Be honest, I mean. Not embarrass yourself.” She smiled what she hoped was a reassuring smile.

  “I keep forgetting you’re our driver, that we’re not just hanging out as friends—or people who are getting to know each other, or whatever.” She faltered. “And I was about to invite you to this awards show dinner thing tonight, forgetting you have a life and people to see here that aren’t just us. Actual friends, I mean.” She looked down, seeming embarrassed.

  “Hey.” Casey waited for Olivia to meet her gaze. “If it helps you not to feel embarrassed, then I should admit I feel the same. Sometimes I feel like I’ve known you a long time.” Casey swallowed. She’d gone even further than Olivia and she was pretty sure she’d made Olivia blush.

  “Come out with us then. I’m presenting an award and we’re nominated for one too. We have a big table. There’s room. You can watch me make a fool of myself reading the wrong name off the card while drinking the free champagne and eating the free food.”

  Olivia made the offer sound casual, but there was something in her eyes that made Casey feel like Olivia wanted her to say yes. Was she being delusional?

  “You make it sound oddly compelling.” Casey was pretty sure she would have watched Olivia paint a white wall at this point. She might even have braved feeling like a fish out of water at a fancy awards show for more time with her. “But I can’t. I have dinner plans. Sorry.”

  “Of course you do. And having a date sounds better than watching us pretending to be delighted about not winning. Like I said, I keep forgetting you have a life.” The words were a little bitter, even though Olivia’s tone was gentle.

  “It’s not a date. My mom and my friend David. We’re just catching up. We haven’t seen much of each other, not since Hannah and I—since I left for Portland, I mean.”

  “Hannah is the one Estelle was hoping to see? The one your mom said thought she was too good for you. The ex you left London to avoid.”

  “You have a good memory.”

  “I do. When it matters.” Olivia held her gaze, and something about the way she looked at Casey made her want to be honest. But she wasn’t very good at talking about herself. It was just one of the ways she and Hannah were incompatible. Hannah’s channel—her profile, her continued success—required her to keep talking about herself, to keep people interested. And for some reason Casey could never quite understand, people were interested in Hannah’s life. What she wore, used, watched, ate. The kind of cats she had. And the kind of girlfriend she had. Hannah had tried hard to get Casey to appear in her videos. And Casey resisted. And eventually it became a problem for them. But she didn’t feel like she wanted to explain any of that to Olivia.

  “Yes, Hannah is the ex my mom doesn’t like. The ex I wanted to get away from.” She gave Olivia what she hoped was a rueful look that didn’t invite further questioning. “But David is a really old friend. He and I grew up together, and I’m happy to be able to spend some time with him. I’ve been…” Casey hesitated, not sure whether Olivia was interested in her not-very-interesting life. “I’ve been avoiding catching up with people. Sometimes, after a breakup, it’s awkward. Friends take sides and you don’t know who’s saying what to who. I went away rather than get involved in any of that. But coming back to sort things out for my mom means I can catch
up with some of the people I left behind—and David is someone I miss and someone I know always had my back.”

  “That sounds awesome.” Olivia checked herself. “Not the breakup, obviously. I mean having a friend like David.”

  “Yeah. Portland is cool, but it’s not my home, and I haven’t made a lot of friends there. My roommate keeps telling me loneliness isn’t a good look on me, usually right before she tries to set me up with another blind date. She doesn’t seem to get that, while I’d quite like more friends, I’m a bit meh about the whole dating thing.” Casey tried to sound lighter than she felt, sitting up in her chair, feeling a little embarrassed. She hadn’t meant to say as much as she had.

  “So when you’re in Portland, you’re single?”

  “Yes.”

  “And in London?” Olivia held her gaze.

  “Yes, in London too. Between being at the beck and call of you lot and sorting out my mom, I don’t know when you imagine I’m meeting women.” Casey didn’t feel any resentment. “I mean, I don’t mind. I didn’t come to London to meet anyone.”

  The waiter arrived.

  “I’ll have what she’s having.” Olivia pointed at the glass in front of Casey. “I’m very old-fashioned in my tastes.” It was a joke, but there was something in the way Olivia said it, in the way she looked at Casey as she said it, that made Casey think she meant something more. And Casey realized she wanted to kiss her. Right there, right then. She let herself imagine how good Olivia’s lips would taste, how soft her mouth would be.

  She came back to her senses to see Olivia looking at her, her bottom lip trapped between her teeth and her head inclined toward her slightly. They both moved their attention back to the waiter at exactly the same time. Both of them seeming to find him utterly absorbing.

  “Are you hungry? Want to get something to nibble on?” Olivia asked. “We kind of skipped the lunch eating part and went straight to cocktails.”

  As soon as Olivia said it, Casey realized she was starving. Olivia’s company was completely distracting.

  “Something with cheese?” Her stomach growled, happy she was finally paying it some attention.

  “Good call.” Olivia smiled at her.

  The waiter found them a menu and they each ordered something.

  “What about you? Maybe not single in LA and maybe not single in London either?” Casey finally had her chance to ask about Billie, and she wasn’t going to let the waiter’s terrible timing get in the way. She waited for Olivia’s reply to ruin her mood, to spoil the imagined intimacy of the last hour.

  “It’s funny, but I get asked that a lot—whether I’m dating, I mean. I get asked about it more than the rest of them. It’s weird. Maybe I give off a lonely vibe, or maybe it’s because of Billie’s constant hinting about the two of us—”

  “I didn’t mean to suggest that. I’m sorry, I thought we were just talking.”

  Casey felt a little thrown, like she’d overstepped the mark somehow. And she couldn’t help but notice that Olivia avoided answering. She tried to think of something else to ask, something else to say, but she couldn’t.

  “I’m not seeing anyone. Here, or anywhere else.” Olivia looked at her. “I’ve been single for a while. And while everyone at the studio—and probably half the fans of the show—would like it to be true that Billie and I are dating, we’re not. I told you I don’t do the whole mixing work and pleasure thing, but even if I did, Billie is absolutely not my type.”

  Casey wanted to be pleased because Olivia was way too good for Billie. But she and Olivia worked together. And as happy as she was at the news that Olivia was single, she guessed that anything she might want to develop between them would fall afoul of the whole work and pleasure rule.

  The waiter deposited the plates—and Olivia’s old-fashioned—in front of them with a flourish. They’d ordered the same thing—the large square platters containing less than Casey would have liked. But the presentation almost made up for the portion size. They let the waiter describe the different types of cheese and the small army of chutneys before they both tucked in, devouring the food with relish. Olivia making the kind of satisfied eating noises that Casey couldn’t help but smile at.

  “Oh, wow. Try this.” Olivia held out her fork, a small piece of blue cheese on the end. “It’s awesome.” Her gaze was open and steady.

  Casey had never been good at reading women’s signals—unless they rammed her with a trolley—but yesterday and today, she felt something between them, felt that Olivia might even have been flirting. And now she was feeding her with her fork. While telling her that she didn’t do workplace romances.

  She took the cheese into her mouth, holding Olivia’s gaze. Olivia’s eyes widened and her cheeks reddened.

  “Mmm. That’s delicious.” It was. And Casey was relieved to have the cheese to focus on. It was easier than being confused by Olivia’s signals.

  Olivia’s phone made a beeping noise. She picked it up and frowned at it before unlocking it and scrolling through something.

  “Damn.”

  “What’s wrong?” Casey asked.

  She handed the phone to Casey, then snatched up her drink and took a long, slow sip. Casey looked at the article that was open on the screen and felt her anger grow as she saw first the photo and then the headline.

  It was a picture of her and Olivia in the hotel lobby. She had an arm threaded around Olivia’s waist, and they were about to get into the elevator. The angle of the photo made it look a lot like Olivia had her head on Casey’s shoulder, and the headline announced that Olivia had been drunk. She read the rest of the article and saw, with embarrassment, that they had implied Olivia had needed the help of a “mystery companion” to get her to her room.

  She handed the phone back to Olivia.

  “I’m really sorry.”

  “I’m obviously used to having my picture taken, but I still hate being photographed when I’m not aware of it. Especially like this, in a place where I’m staying. It’s creepy and invasive.”

  Casey didn’t know what to say. It was a crazy way to live. She couldn’t do it.

  “The story they’ve put with the picture is a complete fabrication. You weren’t drunk and I only had my arm around you like that because those guys had shaken you up.” Casey was surprised by how annoyed she was. “Why didn’t whoever it was take photos of those guys harassing you? It would have made a much better story—and presumably they’d have made more money for that.”

  “Maybe they just caught the end of it and assumed I was drunk, or maybe those guys lied and told them I was.” Olivia shook her head and took another gulp of the bourbon, staring again at the phone. “Or maybe they just wanted the chance to say something unpleasant about me. It happens.”

  Casey felt bad for Olivia.

  “And I’m going to get a grilling from the studio about this when I get back.”

  “You didn’t do anything wrong. Just tell them what really happened.”

  “I will. I’m sure they’ll believe me. But they’ll be mad I didn’t tell them about it at the time. They’re very protective of their brand.” Olivia sounded weary. “They won’t be happy, but they’ll have my back. We’ve all coped with a lot worse things being said about me than this. Obviously. It’s not as big a deal as that other thing.”

  Olivia looked at her. She seemed to be waiting for Casey to say something, to acknowledge something. But she couldn’t, she didn’t know what “other thing” Olivia was referring to.

  After a few moments, Olivia pushed her plate away. “Maybe we should go. Maybe I should avoid being seen day drinking. They’ve probably got cameras on drones ready to catch me at it through the window.”

  It was a joke, but Olivia seemed upset. Casey obviously couldn’t understand what it was like for Olivia, but she understood the upset of people telling lies about you. Hannah had done a lot
of that when she was trying to make herself feel better about cheating on her. And all of it made her glad again for her ordinary life, for her complete anonymity in Portland.

  When Olivia stood, she looked so sad that Casey had the urge to hug her, but she didn’t dare. The bullshit story had completely killed what had been a nice afternoon.

  “How about that selfie before we go?” Casey wanted to lighten things somehow. She held out her phone and stretched out her other arm, in an invitation for Olivia to come and stand by her side. The plate glass window giving out onto the view was immediately behind them. Olivia took the position next to her, and Casey felt an arm wrap around her waist. She leaned in to the touch, feeling the press of Olivia at her side.

  She told herself the contact was innocent and platonic, but the beating of her heart and the tight, hot feeling low down in her core, told her a different story. She took a few pictures with her breath held, willing her body not to betray her by trembling.

  “One last one for Evelyn.” Olivia took Casey’s phone, held it at arm’s length, then leaned in to place a soft kiss on her cheek. Casey heard the click of the photo as it was taken. Olivia looked at the photo and smiled, handing the phone back to her. “You could probably sell that for a few hundred of your British pounds. Some of these websites will buy anything it seems.”

  Casey peered at the photo. Her face carried an expression of surprised happiness. If she’d ever had any kind of cool, Olivia was slowly obliterating it.

  “Think she’ll like it?”

  “Who?” Casey had lost track of her thoughts.

  “Your mom.”

  “Yeah, right, of course. She’ll love it. It’s a nice one of you—and you always were her favorite.” She nudged Olivia and was rewarded with a smile.

  Neither of them sat back down.

  “Shall we go then?”

  “Yeah, I’ll walk you back to the hotel.”

  “I think I know the way.”

  “I’ve got time. And I want to. And not just because you clearly need a bodyguard.”