Never Be the Same

by M. A. Binfield

  “Bodyguard, huh? You’re already my driver, my tour guide, and my imaginary girlfriend. Now you’re adding bodyguard to the list. That’s impressively versatile.”

  Casey was not good at this—she never had been—but she was pretty sure Olivia was flirting with her again.

  “I also cook lasagna and play a mean game of poker. My talents are limitless.”

  As they got on the elevator, Olivia looked like someone who was deciding something.

  “We’re playing poker tomorrow night. It’s a once-a-month-at-Louise’s thing and she’s refusing to miss it just because we’re in London. You should get Louise to invite you, you could clean up.”

  “It might be too rich for my tastes. I don’t have a lot of disposable income right now, and I’m pretty sure I’m rusty enough to get fleeced.”

  “Oh, we don’t play for money. That’s the wonderful pointlessness of it. Louise makes us play for pretzels. We each bring a bag and we play till they’re gone. It’s crazy, but it’s always a good excuse to get loaded.” She gazed at Casey, and Casey felt herself grow warm under Olivia’s scrutiny.

  “We probably have time to walk back along the river if you like.” Maybe the breeze would give her back some of the cool she had lost amongst her now completely undeniable feelings for Olivia.

  The elevator reached the ground floor and the doors opened.

  “I’d like that a lot.” Olivia smiled at her, and Casey’s feelings were bittersweet. She was happy with this new connection between them but sad that they were running out of time. She shook the thought away. She would enjoy the here and now of the walk back to the hotel with Olivia and stop worrying about what their nonexistent future might hold.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Casey had arrived early at the restaurant. She sipped the wine she’d already ordered in the hope it would stop her mind from scratching at all the things she needed to think about but couldn’t face. She hadn’t heard back from the police about Neil, she hadn’t reached out to any of her friends, and she hadn’t even decided whether she was going to brave David’s party. And on top of all that, she couldn’t stop thinking about Olivia.

  The whole week had been crazy. She’d started it guiltily admiring Olivia in the sauna and ended it feeling like Olivia was someone she really wanted to know better. And her bad mood was because they were about to say good-bye to each other for good. Casey was thirty-four. Too old to be having crushes. And definitely not the kind of woman who ever dreamed of holiday romances, but somehow, Olivia had gotten under her defenses and she didn’t know what to do about it.

  “Look who I bumped into on the way in.” David approached the table with her mom beside him—her mom holding on to the crook of his elbow. He was smiling, but her mom seemed more wary. Casey got up to greet them.

  “You look nice.” She leaned over to peck her mom’s cheek. She did look nice. She had on a pretty floral blouse and looked like she’d colored her hair since Casey last saw her.

  “What about me?” David pulled her into a hug, and—like always—she let herself sink into his ample frame.

  “Pretty fly for a white guy.” It was their private joke. He was neither fly nor white. “Nice hoodie, David. Some of us dressed for dinner.” Casey waved a hand down her body. She had made an effort. Of sorts. The shirt was new and she was wearing her best pair of jeans.

  “I just told him that.” Her mom smiled. “I called him a scruffy bugger.”

  “Right on both counts.” David nudged her mom.

  “Don’t start.” She slapped him.

  “It’s been too long, Evelyn.” He kissed her cheek. “I’ve missed being slapped by you.”

  They settled themselves at the table and Casey felt her mood lift. They’d always had a good relationship and seeing them being playful together made her feel happy. Her mom was always easier to deal with when David was around.

  “Did you find the restaurant okay, Mom?”

  “Yes, the taxi dropped me off right outside.”

  “Taxi? I thought you were coming on the bus.”

  “I was running late.” Her mom avoided her eyes. They both knew her mom didn’t have money for taxis.

  There was silence while Casey poured David some of the wine. She offered it to her mom, wanting her to say no.

  “No thanks, love. I’ll just have water. Going to try and stay on the wagon this time. And before you say it, I know I’ve said that before.”

  The lightness of a few moments ago had gone, and awkwardness hung in the air above the table. Casey felt annoyed with her mom. For trying and failing to stay sober so many times and for wasting money she didn’t have on a taxi. And she was annoyed at herself for not being nicer about all of it.

  “I told Mercy I was meeting up with you and she tried to invite herself along.” David opened the menu as he spoke. “I wasn’t sure how you’d feel about it, so I said no. But I guess you’re going to have to face up to them at some point. Wasn’t that at least part of the reason for coming back?”

  “I guess.” Casey didn’t want to have this conversation in front of her mom. David’s relationship with his own mom was very different—very functional and very open—and he forgot sometimes that hers wasn’t the same. “It’s just been so busy. I haven’t had much time to think about it.”

  “Not that busy that you haven’t been able to find time to shepherd drunken TV stars to their sleeping chamber. I saw you and the delectable Miss Lang in a clinch. I think half the gossip obsessed queers in the world did, but I was probably the only one who recognized her ‘mystery companion’ as you. I suppose I should say congrats and well played. Though I was surprised it was Olivia. You said she was a bit of a nightmare. And yet here you are, already enough of a showbiz couple to be getting papped.”

  “Olivia?” Her mom looked confused. “Your Olivia?”

  “Your Olivia?” David asked, a matching look of confusion on his face.

  “They’ve been dating a while. How do you not know that? I thought you two were thick as thieves.” Her mom frowned at him. “Olivia said they met at some theater show they both went to. They got chatting in the bar after and decided they both liked each other, but Casey was too shy to make the first move, so Olivia had to.”

  “Your mom’s met Olivia Lang?” David’s surprise escalated into disbelief.

  Casey flashed him a meaningful look. They’d known each other a long time. She had to hope he understood it was their “play along with me and don’t say anything you shouldn’t to my mother” look.

  “We dropped in there a few days ago. Mom had some trouble with Neil and we were in the area, so I took some tea bags, had a chat with Neil, and Mom and Olivia looked at baby photos.”

  David was looking at her like she was insane. It did sound a little unlikely.

  “She’s nice, David. You’ll like her a lot. She’s very down-to-earth for an American. I mean, considering she’s a big-time actress and all that.” She leaned in. “And she encouraged me to try to stay sober and sent me all these lovely things for the house to replace the things that Neil stole. I told Casey she’s a real keeper.”

  Casey was glad that the waiter chose that moment to come and take their order. But none of them were ready and David sent him away for a few minutes. They stopped talking and looked at the menus and she was happy to catch her breath, to lose herself in simply thinking about the food she wanted to eat.

  So Olivia had told her mom a whole back story to how they’d gotten together. She couldn’t help but smile. Olivia had a lot of talent and maybe screenwriting should be her next career.

  * * *

  David’s insistence on paying the check had seen them all order desserts. Casey licked the spoon containing the remnants of her lemon cheesecake as, across the table, David did the same. Her mom had polished off a crème brûlée and was now fidgeting in her bag.

&nbs
p; “Here.” She handed Casey an envelope. “There’s four ninety in there. It would have been five hundred, but I had to take a tenner for the taxi. Sorry about that. I know it’s not enough, that you’ve paid out more than that, but it’s a start.”

  Casey opened the envelope to find a thick wedge of banknotes staring back at her.

  “Where did this come from?”

  “Neil. He said he was going to try and pay a bit more of it back when he could.”

  “Oh, come on. Really, Mom? You promised to stay the hell away from him.” Casey couldn’t help her anger.

  “He pushed it through the letterbox and sent me a text. I haven’t seen him, I promise.” Her mom sounded convincing. “I don’t even want to. Not any more. His message said something about the police and him being tricked into recording a confession and how he didn’t want to go to jail. To be honest, I didn’t understand it. But I was happy to have the money, to be able to give you some to help with all those bills you’re paying off.”

  Casey looked again at the envelope. She couldn’t believe that Olivia’s plan had worked.

  “He said he needed to stay out of jail for the sake of his nephews.” Her mom scoffed. “He still thinks I don’t know they’re his kids—or that the bitch he spent my money on is his girlfriend. He must think I’m even stupider than I look.”

  “Which is saying something. Evelyn.” David’s teasing could have seemed unkind, but the hand he reached across the table and laid over her mom’s made it clear that he cared.

  “His girlfriend? Not his sister?” Casey couldn’t quite believe it. The impulse to cause him physical harm bubbled up all over again.

  Her mom nodded, meeting her eyes before looking away. Casey couldn’t imagine how awful she must have felt about discovering that and still not daring to confront him.

  “I turned a blind eye at first. I didn’t know he’d end up leaving me for her. I obviously learned nothing from what happened with your stepdad.” She turned to David, putting her hand over his. “I obviously am just as stupid as I look.”

  “Don’t say that, Mom.” Casey was upset but trying not to let it show.

  “Well, I do have terrible judgment, especially where men are concerned.” She took in a breath. “And it’s cost me a lot more than the money Neil took from me. It cost me my relationship with you and I’ll never forgive myself for that. I wish—”

  “Don’t, Mom.”

  “Let her say it, Casey.” David spoke softly.

  “I hated it when you went to America. I mean, I knew why you went, it must have been awful for you. And I was no help, no support. I’m self-obsessed when I’m drinking, but I should have been there for you. I’m sorry.” She shook her head, tears in her eyes. It was almost unbearable for Casey to hear what she was saying, to see her like this. She had learned never to expect anything from her mom; she couldn’t help but be moved by her apology. “And I know I can’t do anything about any of it now and it probably doesn’t help, but I miss you. And every day, I wish you weren’t so far away.”

  “I miss her too, Evelyn,” David said. “Casey is literally the only person I know who’s happy to have a bowl of custard with me while we watch romcoms and argue about Jennifer Aniston’s path to future happiness. I mean, who wouldn’t miss that?”

  It was the perfect way to lighten the mood and Casey was grateful. She loved David more than she would ever be willing to admit to him.

  “I just said—once—that I think she’d be happier as a lesbian.”

  “You think everyone is happier as a lesbian.” David smiled at her, and she could see the love he had for her in his eyes. It felt like something important.

  “Maybe I should try it. It’s not like loving men has ever worked out well for me.” Her mom pulled a tissue out of her purse and began to blow her nose. “And I’ve always quite liked Jennifer Aniston. Maybe Olivia could introduce us and we could make each other happy.” She got up as she spoke. “I’m just popping to the loo. But I’ll have a coffee if you’re not in a hurry to rush off.” She headed toward the bathroom in the far corner of the restaurant.

  Casey knew her mom, knew she needed some time to settle. And so did she. Her mom’s regret—and her admission about missing Casey—had landed squarely in the center of her chest and now it lay there heavily.

  She leaned over to grab her mom’s bag from the chair next to her and stuffed the envelope full of cash into one of the inside pockets before zipping it shut.

  “Two Irish coffees and a decaf filter, please?” David caught the waiter as he walked by the table.

  “Good call.” She was ready for a whiskey. “And thanks. For dinner and for being so great with Mom.”

  “It’s my pleasure, you know that. Though I couldn’t believe she waited this long to go for a pee. What kind of bladder does she have?”

  Casey laughed.

  “I’ve been bursting in a different way. You, your mom, and Olivia Lang. Spill all the details. Right now.”

  “It’s a crazy story. I don’t have time.”

  “Try.”

  “Don’t be annoyed, okay? I was driving her to an appointment, my mom called, said Neil was in the house. I offered to take Olivia to her appointment and then have Tania pick her up after so I could go to my mom’s, but Olivia insisted on coming with me. For some reason I’m not clear about, she told my mom she was my girlfriend. Told her a whole lot of things that weren’t true. She’s not psycho, don’t worry. I think she was trying to distract and entertain my mom, while I dealt with Neil.”

  David shook his head in amazement.

  “Dealt with Neil?”

  “I didn’t do anything violent, don’t worry. I bloody well wanted to though. Olivia persuaded me to secretly record him with my phone. He kind of confessed. I sent it to the police. I suspect they’ve had a word with him and he thinks he needs to do something so my mom doesn’t press charges. I guess that’s why he left the money.”

  “And the photo of you and Olivia in each other’s arms?”

  “That was nothing. She was getting some grief off some guys in the bar and I stepped in. The picture makes it look like something it wasn’t.”

  “So there’s nothing going on? That’s disappointing. That would have been quite the holiday romance.”

  Casey couldn’t help the downward shift of her gaze. David caught it.

  “Casey.”

  “Nothing going on, no. We get on well and I kind of like her, that’s all. I mean, you’ve seen her. She’s gorgeous. And she’s smart and sweet and funny—all things that make me wish she lived in Portland and wasn’t some big shot actress with this crazy life she has. But she doesn’t and she is, so…” She felt embarrassed talking about Olivia that way. She was trying not to make their connection sound like more than it was, because of course it wasn’t anything really.

  “We had drinks this afternoon, in one of the bars in the Shard. It was nice.”

  David was looking at her with a curious expression on his face.

  “And I suppose you being you, you still haven’t googled her.”

  “No, I told you, I’m happy for her to just tell me what she wants to tell me.”

  “If you’re saying you like her, maybe you should do a bit of searching for her name. You’ll find what I found.”

  “I don’t want to know.”

  “You do. You’re just being avoidant.”

  “I’m not. It just seems intrusive. And I don’t believe half the stuff they write anyway.” Casey couldn’t help feeling intrigued. David was making it sound like there was something she needed to know.

  “I know that. Of course I do. I’m not saying it’s all true, I’m just saying go and have a look. It’s dramatic. Dating a costar, big public breakup, leaked sex tape. It sounded very scandalous, very Hollywood. I wouldn’t have thought she was your type in that way. Yo
u couldn’t even cope with Hannah’s level of wannabe fame.”

  “I could cope with that. Just about. I couldn’t cope with her cheating on me with one of our friends.”

  “I know, I know.” David held up his hands. “Sorry. I know it’s different. I didn’t mean to say it wasn’t. But you did hate the way Hannah worried about how everything looked, about her obsession with keeping her ‘fans’ happy. A TV star does seem an unlikely choice for you.”

  “I haven’t chosen her. I haven’t chosen anyone. I wish I hadn’t said anything. Can we change the subject?”

  Her mom returned to the table, and Casey couldn’t help but wish she’d never left and she’d never had to hear any of what David had just told her about Olivia.

  “Nice bathroom.” Her mom sat down. “Thick white flannels to dry your hands.”

  “How many did you take?” David asked with a wink.

  “How dare you?” Her mom slapped him on the arm. “I only took one of the small bottles of lotion. I’ve been doing a lot of cleaning and my hands are getting dry. And it said they were for customers’ use.”

  “Let’s see if there’s anything worth pinching in the gents’.” He headed off just as the waiter brought their coffees.

  Casey was only half-listening to them as they bantered. Her skin prickled with what she figured was a mixture of shame and surprise. She was no prude, but hearing David talk about Olivia that way was shocking to her. She wanted to imagine it was because the Olivia she knew didn’t seem like that sort of a person, but of course, that was the thing, there wasn’t really an Olivia that she knew. She’d known her for a week. And Olivia was the star in a show that Casey had never even watched. It sounded like David knew her better than Casey did.

  A sex tape. Damn. She hadn’t imagined Olivia like that. She seemed too sensible somehow, too careful. Casey clearly wasn’t the judge of character she thought she was. She felt a flush of heat in her cheeks as her sense of embarrassment grew. Olivia was an actress who happily took her clothes off for a living, so why wouldn’t she be the kind of person who also made a sex tape? She wasn’t the first and she wouldn’t be the last. And just because Casey was feeling stupidly uncomfortable about it, didn’t mean it was wrong.