Never Be the Same

by M. A. Binfield

  Casey felt her heart expand in her chest.

  “Me neither.”

  Olivia was looking at her intently, clearing expecting more. She had every right to.

  “I think you’re incredible. Every time you’ve said Susie is the one with all the appeal, the one everyone falls in love with, it’s been so hard for me not to take you into my arms and tell you…show you…how wrong you are.”

  “I think I might have quite liked that. Your arms are a thing of wonder.”

  Olivia stroked a hand down Casey’s arm. It made her shiver and froze her thoughts for an instant.

  “And I’m sorry if that’s a bit full-on, but—” Casey stopped. She didn’t know what else to say that wouldn’t scare Olivia away.

  “It’s very full-on.” Olivia smiled. “But it’s what I need to hear. It might seem strange to you, given what I do for a living, but I don’t have a lot of confidence. And for the obvious reason, I find it hard to trust. But you,” she kissed Casey, “have gotten under my defenses. Even after I knew I’d fallen for you, I tried to keep you at arm’s length, but I couldn’t.”

  “You’ve fallen for me?” Casey couldn’t stop herself from asking. It was everything she hadn’t dared to hope for.

  “I have.” Olivia had a serious look on her face. “I know you hate my life, find it ridiculous, whatever, but if you didn’t, if you could find a way to come to terms with it, I would love it if we could keep going with this. See where it takes us. I mean thirteen hours is nothing, right? Unlike you, I quite like driving.”

  “I think I might fly.” Casey smiled and was rewarded with a lingering kiss. It was a kiss that turned into another and another. And when Olivia pulled away, Casey felt breathless and unbelievably turned on. She let Olivia’s kisses quell her anxiety and she tried to let herself imagine it could work, but even with Olivia lying next to her, gazing at her like she meant all of it, Casey felt doubt poking at her from somewhere.

  “My life is small. But I like it that way. It’s missing a dog and the kids I’d like to have, and yes, it’s missing a beautiful, talented girlfriend that my mom would approve of, but it’s never going to be able to offer you the things you’re used to. I like long walks and Sunday roasts, and my ideal Saturday night would be playing board games with those kids I don’t yet have. I’m kind of boring.”

  “Casey, you are not boring. And I don’t know what it is you think I want that you don’t have. All of that sounds pretty wonderful to me.”

  “I’m not saying it’s not what you want, but it’s not your life. Your life is awards dinners, red carpets, jealous costars, being followed by photographers. It’s an LA kind of life and I’m sure you’ve gotten used to it. I just wonder if you…” Casey hesitated, feeling panic rising in her chest that she fought to tamp down. “I just think that you’ll realize at some point that you need someone who’s a lot more comfortable with that life than I am. Even Hannah thought I wasn’t…you know?” Casey didn’t let herself finish. She didn’t want to sound self-pitying. She just didn’t want Olivia to wake up one day and be disappointed by who Casey was. She couldn’t stand the idea of that.

  “Number one, Casey, I’m not Hannah. And number two. You think I don’t know that you think my life is crazy? You’ve made it clear. You think I don’t know my life is crazy? I’ve told you it is. I’ve told you how much I hate the whole ‘LA kind of life.’” Olivia sat up and moved away from her. “So if this is you deciding this isn’t what you want, that I’m not what you want, then please just say it rather than making excuses. I’ll wish you told me an hour ago, before I made such a fool of myself, but I’d rather know now.” Olivia sounded upset, and Casey reached for her, pulling her back down next to her.

  “Olivia, that’s not what I mean, not at all. I want us to do this. I want you in my life. I guess I’m just imagining being in LA with you and what that might feel like. And how full of people like Billie your world might be—confident, beautiful, happy to do anything to get what they want. I don’t even have you yet and I’m already thinking I’ll lose you to someone like her.”

  “If I wanted Billie, I could have her. I’m not being arrogant, Casey, just honest. And I have women ‘like Billie’ throwing themselves at me all the damn time. I don’t want them, any of them. I haven’t been interested in anyone in a long time. Until you came along and swept me off my feet.” She took in a breath. “I like you, Casey—a lot—but I don’t want to get hurt and I know I’m not exactly in a position to ask you for any kind of commitment, but I need to know that you’re in, that you’re going to give us a chance. That you’re not going to let this crazy job I have get in the way for us. And in case you need to hear it, Hannah was a fool to let you go and her judgment is not something you should waste a single minute thinking about.”

  Casey had fallen in love with Olivia somewhere along the way, and wherever that was going to lead her she had no choice but to go. And if their differences made it impossible, then she would get herself hurt. But there was no way she wasn’t going to give it a try.

  “I’m in.” She leaned across and kissed Olivia, trying to transmit her intention with the kiss as much as her words. “I’m all in. The way I feel about you, I don’t have a choice.”

  Olivia smiled and Casey kissed her again, running her hands along her beautiful body, glorying in her smile, letting herself hope. She moved closer to Olivia, easing herself into a position where their legs were straddling each other, needing the closeness, wanting to feel the length of Olivia’s body pressed against her.

  Olivia began to move, grinding her wet center against Casey’s thigh, and Casey couldn’t help but react. She kissed Olivia hard, crushing her lips with her own. She slid down Olivia’s body, taking her nipple gently into her mouth, feeling the hard bud against her tongue, swirling her tongue around it, while Olivia roughly caressed Casey’s breasts, pinching and squeezing her nipples in a way that made Casey moan with desire.

  “Don’t.” She moved her head back up Olivia’s body to press a soft kiss to Olivia’s mouth. “Or I’m going to lose concentration.”

  Olivia laughed and pushed Casey’s head back down to where it had been before and Casey kept peppering soft wet kisses down her body, feeling Olivia grow taut and tense beneath her, hearing her soft moans of pleasure. She ran her tongue across Olivia’s stomach, past her navel—the skin soft and slightly salty—and down between her thighs, longing to taste her. Olivia opened her legs wide, and Casey slid her hands underneath her butt to lift Olivia to her mouth, running her tongue along the swollen flesh. She moved her tongue in circles, flicking it across Olivia’s clitoris, turned on by the noises Olivia was making that said she was enjoying it as much as Casey was.

  She felt Olivia’s fingers in her hair, urging her on, and when Casey took all of her into her mouth, sucking greedily, Olivia whimpered with pleasure. Her head was tilted back against the bed and her hands were in Casey’s hair.

  “More.” Olivia’s voice was low and hoarse, and Casey knew what she wanted. She pulled her hand from beneath Olivia’s butt and grazed her fingertips along the inside of Olivia’s thigh, wanting to let her know that she had understood. All the time, she stroked Olivia with her tongue, stopping only when her fingers were where Olivia wanted them to be, where Casey wanted them to be. She closed her mouth over Olivia’s clitoris and began sucking at the same time that she filled Olivia with her fingers.

  Olivia lifted herself from the bed, pushing herself onto Casey’s hand, wanting her deeper, seeming hungry for more. Casey kept up her rhythm, sliding her fingers in and out before curling them slightly. Olivia let out a long loud curse as Casey found the right spot. Casey continued, increasing the speed of her thrusts, sucking and licking greedily, knowing Olivia was on the edge of coming. With a cry of pleasure, Olivia let go and gave in to a shuddering climax, her breathing rapid, one hand in Casey’s hair and the other grabbing for Casey’s wrist
to hold her inside, to stop her from withdrawing. Casey watched Olivia ride out the wave of her orgasm, her eyes clamped shut, her muscles juddering against Casey’s fingers. Eventually, she opened her eyes and shifted position, allowing Casey to withdraw.

  “Casey, I can’t even…” Olivia put a hand on either side of Casey’s head to guide her up along her torso, until she could lean down and kiss her. “That was unbelievable. I feel like I’m made of liquid.”

  Olivia’s voice sounded throatier and Casey loved the sound of it. Her hair was mussed, her face was flushed, and her lips were plump and red. And all of it was beautiful to Casey.

  “Or maybe I feel like a rag doll. Something floppy anyway.”

  Casey shuffled them to one side of the bed and pulled the duvet across them, settling Olivia’s head on her chest. Her own center was aching and wet, but all she wanted was Olivia in her arms.

  Olivia yawned. Casey stroked her hair, enjoying the closeness almost as much as what had gone before. “We should have some of that champagne they left for us. I think there’s a lot we can celebrate. And you’ve made me thirsty. And a little hungry. And floppy. I think you’ve finished me off.” Olivia yawned again, and Casey felt her breathing deepen. “But I’m talking too much. Am I talking too much? I think I am.” The words came out like a murmur.

  Casey didn’t answer, nor did she move a muscle. She continued to gently stroke Olivia’s hair with her fingertips as Olivia’s eyes fluttered and then closed. She looked down and couldn’t help but smile. The last time she’d watched Olivia sleep had been very different. How was it possible that over the two weeks since then, she had fallen in love with her?

  “I’m still waiting for you to open the champagne, you know?” Olivia shifted in her arms as she spoke, looking up at Casey with an earnest gaze.

  “I thought you were sleeping.”

  “Me too. But it turns out being this close to you has given my body other ideas.”

  Casey placed a tender kiss on Olivia’s forehead before rolling out of the duvet and onto her feet. The champagne was on the table, in an ice bucket, two glasses sitting in front of it. She began to open it, watching as Olivia shuffled under the covers and into a seated position, a smile playing on her face.

  “What?”

  “This view is even better than the one from the balcony.” She picked up a pillow and hugged it to her chest. “Even better than the one from the fifty-second floor of the Shard.”

  “Did you make me get up for the champagne just so you could fulfill some depraved naked sommelier fantasy?” Casey narrowed her eyes, pointing the bottle in Olivia’s direction.

  “I did. And I’m not even sorry.”

  “I see.” Casey nodded as she popped the cork and poured them each a glass. She draped the white square of linen that had come with the bottle across her arm and walked slowly toward the bed. “Well, I don’t want you to feel too guilty, but it’s very bad to objectify people in that way, especially naked sommeliers. I mean, we’re only here to serve you good quality alcoholic beverages. We deserve a little better.”

  Casey put the glasses down next to the bed, her eyes not leaving Olivia’s. The throbbing between her legs telling her that there were a lot of things she wanted right then more than the champagne.

  “I’m sorry. You’re right, you deserve better from me. Let me apologize properly.” Olivia pulled back the covers with a smile, inviting Casey to join her. She didn’t hesitate. The clock that was counting down the time they had left together was ticking as loud as the beating of her heart. And she didn’t want to waste a single minute of their time together by sleeping, drinking champagne, or looking at the view.

  Chapter Nineteen

  So, the wanderer returns,” Mercy called out to Casey as she got close before pulling her into a big hug. “It’s been too long.”

  They were standing outside the café where they always congregated to watch the parade. It was half café, half bakery, and one hundred percent queer. And happily for David, just two doors away from his office.

  “It has. Where’s the missus?” Casey felt bad for hoping Naomi wasn’t coming.

  “She’s on her way. She’s buying face paints. She’s promised to paint rainbows on us all. Be very afraid.”

  Casey smiled. Despite everything, she was happy to see Mercy. They were good friends once. Really good friends. With Hannah and Naomi in tow, they’d taken trips, spent holidays together, and even had a short-lived spell of playing foursomes at badminton. But as things disintegrated between Casey and Hannah, Naomi took sides and Casey’s relationship with Mercy became collateral damage.

  “How are you?” Casey asked.

  “Week from hell. Ready to cut loose, so yay for Pride. Yesterday I had a fourteen-year-old run away from her foster home. Finally tracked her down at her grandma’s but not before I got a few more gray hairs. One of those days where I dream of jacking it all in for something else.”

  There was a silence between them.

  “Tactless, I’m sorry,” Mercy said.

  “It’s okay. It’s not like I envy you the chance to deal with a runaway. But yeah, I still miss it.”

  “You know we’d have you back in a heartbeat.”

  Casey and Mercy had worked in the same office. They’d been a pretty formidable team.

  “I live in Portland. The commute might be a little tough,” Casey said. Deflection was her superpower.

  “You don’t have to though. You could come home. David said you’re not completely happy there.”

  “Nice to know I’m a conversation piece.”

  “Hey, come on. He misses you. I miss you. We talk about it sometimes, about how good it would be if you came back. I’m not going to apologize for that.”

  “I’m sorry. I’m a little on edge today. That wasn’t fair.”

  “It wasn’t.” Mercy nudged her. “But I forgive you.”

  “Good.”

  “I’m pretty sure your desk is still the way you left it. Not exactly a shrine, more like we’ve been too busy to clean it.” She smiled. “And I’ve still got half your old cases. I’m pretty sure the kids would love to have you back almost as much as the managers would.”

  “I’m not sure I’d be all that welcome.” Casey shrugged.

  “You walked out, they didn’t fire you. And the arrest isn’t a deal breaker. It’s not like you were charged with anything. Trust me, they’re so desperate for qualified staff that they’d welcome you with open arms.”

  “Cheers.”

  “I don’t mean that. I just mean you love the work, you’re qualified, and we’re always short-staffed. And I never got why you felt you needed to leave in the first place. You had a good reputation. You should have just explained. They would have understood—”

  “Understood that my girlfriend had me arrested for ‘smashing up her studio,’ or understood that I was so ‘dangerous’ she tried to take out an injunction to keep me out of my own house?” Casey felt a tightness in her chest every time she thought about it. “I’m not sure they’d have been all that understanding about me being arrested. I saved everyone a lot of time and paperwork by walking out.”

  “A lot of things happen in the heat of a relationship breaking down. They might have understood. And anyway, everyone knew it didn’t happen the way Hannah said it happened—”

  “That’s not true,” Casey interrupted. “You knew it wasn’t true because you knew me and because you knew she’d been cheating, but to the hundreds of thousands of people who watched her tearful ‘breakup’ videos, she was the victim and I was the monster.”

  “She just wanted to create a bit of drama. Drama is what gets the views and the views are what brings in the money. You know that. She was playing that game long before you guys broke up.”

  Because it was Pride and because Mercy was once a good friend, Casey swallowed what she
could have said. It wasn’t a bit of drama. It was real life. Her life. And between her own stupidity and Hannah’s need to vindicate herself for cheating on Casey, she had been damaged by the whole thing. It was impossible for her to simply shrug it off the way Mercy seemed to want her to.

  “Can we change the subject?” Casey asked quietly.

  “Sure, sure. Sorry. I didn’t mean to get into all that either. Let me start again.” Mercy paused for dramatic effect. “How the hell are you, Casey Byrne? I’ve missed you.”

  “I’ve missed you too, Mercedes Martin.” Casey exhaled, willing the tension away. “And I’m fine. I’ve been busy. Sorting out some house things for my mom, working all the time. I haven’t had a lot of spare time.”

  “I’ll let that one slide. We both know you’ve been avoiding me.” Mercy’s tone was kind. “But promise me we can have a proper catch-up before you go back? I’ll even leave the wife at home.” Mercy’s dark eyes were serious and Casey felt bad. Mercy hadn’t done anything wrong. Naomi had been the one who had known Hannah was cheating, the one who had chosen not to tell her.

  “Definitely. It’s a promise.”

  They faced each other awkwardly for a moment.

  “I don’t know if David told you, but I’m moonlighting as a driver to the stars. And I’m doing better than you because I haven’t had a single one of them run away from me yet.” Casey lifted her eyebrows to signal the joke and that she was changing the subject.

  “Yeah, he said you’re driving half the cast of The West Side around town. That’s a pretty great gig. I love that show.”

  “It’s been a lot of fun. Mostly. Some unexpected moments.”

  Spending time with Olivia had been fun. And falling in love with her had been completely unexpected. But it was something she intended to keep to herself for as long as possible.