Never Be the Same

by M. A. Binfield

  “Did you really want to talk to me about something?”

  “I do.” Louise pulled herself up into a sitting position, resting her back against the headboard. “But only if you promise to stay awake and pay attention.”

  “Okay, okay. Get on with it.” Olivia sat up, mirroring Louise’s position.

  Louise turned to her and took her hand. The pause was long and dramatic. And Olivia could already feel herself losing patience.

  “What are you going to do about Casey?”

  Olivia sighed. She didn’t want to have this conversation again.

  “What do you mean, what am I going to do? There’s nothing to do. I’m going to hurt like this for a long while. I’m going to be angry with myself for being dumb enough to fuck things up with her, and then I guess, eventually, I’ll recover.”

  “That’s not what I meant. And you know it. Honestly, Liv, you’re such a cliché. And I say that while loving you like the annoying older sister I never had.” Louise smiled at her and shook her head.

  “How am I a cliché? And more to the point, why am I listening to you talk about Casey again? I don’t need it.” Olivia rubbed her temples. She could feel a headache starting.

  “You’re a cliché because you’re totally living up to the ‘inexplicably refusing to communicate with the woman of your dreams’ trope. I’ve seen that storyline a dozen times, and it always leaves me shouting in frustration. Just call her and have the conversation you two need to have before you lose each other for good out of sheer stubbornness. Tell her you watched some of the videos Hannah made about her and explain how sorry you are for the way you reacted at the party and for all the things you said. And see if she’ll forgive you.”

  Louise squeezed her hand, and Olivia felt the upset building all over again.

  “And please tell her what you said to me. That you understood why she did what she did after you’d seen what Hannah said about her, that you would have done worse if Hannah had said those things about you. For fuck’s sake, Liv, just call and tell her all that. I can’t believe she doesn’t want to hear it, that she’s not as heartbroken as you are.”

  Olivia cried for hours after watching Hannah’s videos. Hannah made sure to keep blaming Casey, to find new ways of making herself seem the victim. She’d said Casey was aggressive and vindictive and impossible to live with. She even talked about Casey losing her job “with children” as if she was somehow not safe to have around kids, while not mentioning that her own lies were the only reason Casey had lost that job. It made Olivia sick to her stomach. And honestly—as she’d admitted to Louise—she would have done anything she could to make Hannah stop. But instead of being understanding and letting Casey explain, she had blamed her, judged her, letting her own history with Kristin cloud that judgment. And she had ruined everything. Olivia had never felt so heartsick.

  “I can’t.”

  “Why can’t you?”

  Olivia wasn’t sure she could explain.

  “This is going to sound weird, especially after what we argued about, but I think she’s too good for me. I can’t give her what she needs, what she wants. And my life, right now, represents everything she doesn’t like. She made that clear. Even changing my life, making it less crazy,” Louise didn’t know that Olivia was taking steps to do just that, “I’m not sure that it wouldn’t still be a problem for us. Being with me would upend that quiet life she’s carved out for herself in Portland.”

  “Maybe she wants it to be upended,” Louise said. “Do you never think of it that way? She told you Portland was kind of lonely for her, that she missed London, her friends. Maybe she wants a bit of upheaval.”

  “You’re wrong. I know her better than you. She doesn’t love Portland, but that doesn’t mean she’s ready to embrace all the craziness that comes with this life. Being around Billie would be a problem, and she’d hate being photographed all the time. And the media would scratch at her, trying to find out things about her, about her family, her life. I can’t do that to her. It’s bad enough when they do it to me.”

  “I hate to break it to you, Liv, but you’re not that famous. Or that interesting. They’ll scratch for a while, but then they’ll stop. She’ll cope. Look at what she coped with from Hannah. And you said yourself that Billie’s behaving herself now that she thinks you have a recording of her incriminating herself. I think you’re making excuses. I think you’re the one who’s scared of having their life upended.” Louise sounded serious. “It isn’t my business to say this, Liv, but you’ve got to let yourself love someone one day. And whatever’s happened, I think Casey might be the one. Jeez, you even like her mom. How perfect do you want it to be?”

  “I know.” Olivia felt the frustration all over again. “But I messed it all up. I told you, I tried to reach out. She isn’t interested. I showed her who I was and she’s run a mile.”

  “You texted a twelve-word apology the morning we left. That’s not trying. And it’s not opening a door. You know Casey. She’s going to need that door to be wide open before she even moves an inch toward it. You sided with Hannah and you were willing to believe the worst about her. You need to give her more than twelve words.”

  It was all true, but that didn’t mean Olivia knew what to do about it. She was in Paris and Casey was getting ready to go back to Portland. She’d blown it. And even a novella of an apology from her wasn’t going to fix things.

  “There’s no point. You didn’t see the way she looked at me, Lou. It was like she understood that I was just like Hannah. I think it was what she feared all along, and when push came to shove, I lived up to her worst fears about me and about the world I live in. And the horrible irony of it all is that I don’t even want to live in that world anymore. I’m probably more tired of it than Casey is.”

  Olivia wasn’t going to tell Lou until they got back to LA. They were in each other’s pockets here in a way that they weren’t at home, and if Louise reacted badly, it was going to make the trip even tougher. But keeping it from her—and from Liam—was close to impossible. It had been a hard decision and it was another reason why she hadn’t been sleeping.

  “I’m leaving the show.” Olivia made herself say it. “Just for a bit. I’m taking a break. I realized this past couple of weeks that I’m burned out with it.”

  “What?”

  “That whole thing with Billie, seeing my life the way Casey sees it, it just isn’t what I want to be doing at thirty-five. I want something more. Something just for me, not for Susie, not for the studio, not even for the fans.”

  “When did you…how come you didn’t tell me?” Louise’s voice quavered slightly, the shock turning to upset. Olivia knew her well enough to know she was trying not to cry.

  “I’m telling you now, Lou. I only decided a couple of days ago.”

  “Because of Casey?”

  “Yes and no. Me leaving the show doesn’t help one way or the other with Casey. Brooklyn is even farther away from Portland than LA is. And I fucked that up regardless of geography. But meeting Casey, loving Casey, made me realize I want different things. A home I get to live in, kids, time with my parents before they get old, maybe even a dog.”

  Saying it out loud to Louise moved her. Olivia was ready for something else. It had taken Casey to help her see that.

  “Somehow that whole thing with Billie—her going as far as she did to fight for ‘star billing’—made me realize I’ve never cared enough to want any of it that badly. And maybe I should spend some time doing something I enjoy enough to fight for.”

  “But how did you get them to agree. The show without Susie is nothing.”

  “That’s not true. I hate to say it, but Billie has turned Phoebe into a popular character. Jessie and Michael’s romance has everybody all worked up and excited. And some of Susie’s storylines could easily be rewritten to give Jessie or Phoebe more of a role. I told them about Bi
llie and the web stories and that I’d go public if they didn’t release me. I channeled Susie and acted all badass, so they didn’t have a choice.”

  “I can’t believe it. I’m gonna miss you like crazy.” Louise was crying softly. Olivia reached over to give her a hug.

  “I’ll miss you too. But it’s only for six months. And I’m planning on visiting. I mean, I’ll miss your PDA with Liam too much to stay away.” Olivia tried to lighten the mood, to make Louise smile. “Because it’s not awkward at all for me watching my best friends snogging.”

  As soon as she said the word, Olivia was reminded of Casey, of them in the garden at David’s, of all the things that had felt possible and wonderful and hopeful. Was she stupid not to try harder to rescue something with Casey?

  Louise’s sniffling grew quieter and she pulled away from Olivia.

  “It sounds like you need it, so I’m happy for you. Sad for me, but happy for you.”

  “At least you have Liam.”

  Louise nodded and they sat quietly for a beat.

  “But it’s weird how you can be so decisive about that and so hopeless about Casey. I think you should channel a bit of Susie to try to figure out what to do about Casey. I don’t think Susie would let one stupid argument get in the way of potential happiness with a tall, dark, handsome tour guide. Especially once she’d experienced being held in those incredible arms of hers.”

  “Lou—” Olivia had tried not to torment herself with her memories of Casey kissing her, being held by her, the two of them lost in each other’s pleasure.

  “I’m serious. You need to do something. And it needs to be decisive. Try to get her back. Send a message, call, do something. Don’t just sit there and let her go. I just don’t think that’s really what you want. And if you’re taking time off, you can spend all the time you like in Portland.” Louise got up from the bed and walked to the door. “And now I’m going to let you have your old lady nap.”

  She stopped.

  “And I’m going to make Liam comfort me about you leaving.”

  The way she said the word “comfort” left Olivia in no doubt about what she meant. She couldn’t help but smile.

  Louise let the door close behind her, and Olivia lay back on the bed and closed her eyes, making herself breathe in and out slowly. She tried clearing her mind of everything, willing the sleep to come. But she couldn’t. She had one thought and only one thought.

  She couldn’t lose Casey.

  Olivia hated to admit it, but Louise was right. Casey might not be perfect—Olivia certainly wasn’t—but she was amazing, and together they could have something special. What was the point of taking a break, making space to be happier and not having Casey to share it with somehow? Olivia sat up, suddenly wide-awake. She needed to find a way to apologize properly, ask Casey to forgive her, and beg her for another chance.

  * * *

  “I was thinking of redecorating the living room with some of that money Neil has given me. Maybe some nice green wallpaper there.” Her mom pointed at the far wall. “And then paint the rest something neutral. Be nice to freshen things up a bit.”

  Casey pulled her attention away from her phone. She was expecting David, but he was late.

  “Sounds like a great idea.”

  “They always say you need a man about the house for that sort of thing, but I was talking to Jenny next door and she said she does all her own wallpapering. She even offered to help. And Neil was hopeless at that kind of thing anyway. I mean, how hard can it be? If I mess it up, I can always ask Jack to help redo it…not that he’s got much patience for that sort of thing.”

  Her mom’s chatter used to drive Casey crazy when she was younger, but now there was something oddly comforting about it. These last few days, she seemed so bright, so full of plans, that Casey enjoyed being around her. And she certainly looked a lot healthier than when Casey had walked into her kitchen barely three weeks ago. It wasn’t just that she’d stopped drinking, she was eating better—a lot better, if the massive dinners she’d been sharing with Casey were anything to go by. And she seemed a lot lighter in her mood. Getting away from Neil was clearly more of a relief than either of them expected.

  “Maybe I could help.”

  “Thanks, love, but you don’t have time. It’ll take me a week just to choose the wallpaper and you’ll be gone by then.” Her mom tried to sound okay about it, but Casey caught the tremor in her words. “It’ll be nice to take my time with it anyway.”

  Casey had surprised herself by choosing to spend the week at her mom’s rather than with David. It made the multiple appointments they’d had to attend to sort out the last of her debts a lot easier, but it wasn’t just that. David’s house—his garden, his kitchen, his living room—was a three-dimensional reminder of everything that had gone wrong with Olivia, and it was far too raw for her to revisit that.

  “Are you sure you don’t want to come and have some breakfast with us?” Casey wouldn’t have minded at all. Her flight back to Portland was Tuesday and after that, she wouldn’t see her mom for months. The thought had been bothering her more than she expected, and more than once she’d been tempted to bump her departure date.

  “No, no thanks. You go and spend some time with David. He’ll miss you when you’re gone. It’s such a long way, it’s not like he can pop over and see you for the weekend.”

  Casey knew her mom well. She had the same difficulties that Casey did when it came to expressing her emotions. And that was her way of telling Casey she’d miss her.

  A car horn beeped, and her mom moved to the window before pulling back the curtain and waving.

  “That’s him. In another one of his big fancy cars.” She laughed. “The neighbors will think he’s a drug dealer.”

  Casey crossed the room and gave her mom a hug. Hugging wasn’t something they normally did, but if loving Olivia had taught Casey anything, it was that every day—every minute—counted, and she didn’t have a lot of time left with her mom. Her mom received the hug stiffly before relaxing and putting her own arms around Casey, squeezing her tightly.

  “Go and enjoy your breakfast.” She pulled away, hiding a sniffle. “And tell him next time, you expect to be picked up in an actual limo.”

  Casey picked up her phone, wallet, and jacket and headed for the front door.

  “Mom?” She turned back.

  Her mom looked at her.

  “Thanks. For having me here, for feeding me, for not asking too many questions. I’m sorry—” Casey felt an unexpected welling up of emotion. She wanted to apologize to her mom for not having Olivia anymore, for not being able to watch them bake bread together. For losing the “girlfriend” her mom still thought she’d had for much longer than she had. It was silly. Her mom had other things to worry about, but somehow Casey felt like she’d let her down.

  “Sorry for what, love?”

  “Nothing. I was just thinking about the decorating, about not being here to help.” Casey avoided saying what she’d been about to say.

  “I’ve got Jenny to help. She’s like you, you know. Part of the rainbow family.” Her mom widened her eyes. “And we’re getting on really well.”

  “No way.” Casey shook her head and smiled.

  “Her full name is Jennifer. You know, like Jennifer Aniston. It’s got to be a sign.”

  Casey laughed and her mom joined in. She had no idea if her mom was teasing, or if she and rainbow neighbor Jenny were getting close, but either way, seeing her mom laugh was a real tonic.

  “I’d better go. I’ll see you later and we will definitely talk more about Jenny and her DIY skills,” Casey said with a smile as she left the house. Heading down the path to the car, she lifted a hand to say sorry to David for keeping him waiting.

  “I just know that extra time was not spent on hair and makeup.” He rolled his eyes at Casey as she climbed inside. �
��So I hope to hell it wasn’t because you were crying in your bedroom again.”

  Five days ago, Casey wouldn’t have been able to take the joke. Even now, it was tough. But the teasing was the way they showed each other love. David had checked in with her every day and this—the offer to go out for breakfast—was part of that same care he’d been showing her since the party.

  “Actually, my mom was telling me she and the next-door neighbor have been getting close. They’re planning to wallpaper together.”

  “Oh, Lord. I hope you’ve checked him out thoroughly.”

  “She.”

  David thumped the steering wheel in delight. “Go Evelyn. Finally dipping her toes into the Sapphic stream.” He turned to Casey. “She’s probably gonna be better at it than you are.”

  “It wouldn’t be hard. I set a pretty low bar.” Casey waited while he found a gap and joined the traffic on the main road.

  “Talking of which, have you seen sense yet?” David meant well and that made it hard for Casey to get annoyed with him, but the constant prodding about Olivia wasn’t helping.

  “If you’re asking me if I’ve called Olivia, the answer is no.”

  “You could text.”

  “I haven’t done that either.”

  “You should. I don’t want to keep saying it, but she apologized, she reached out. And you’re sitting on your stubborn ass doing nothing to sort things out, to get her back. You owe her a conversation, Casey. I can’t believe you don’t want to, that you don’t miss her.”

  “I thought today was about us having breakfast, not about this.”

  Casey was sad rather than angry. She wanted to call Olivia, of course she did. She missed her like crazy and her heart was hurting. But what was the point?

  “No law that says we can’t chew some fat while chewing the fat about this.” He turned to her again. “See what I did there?”