Never Be the Same

by M. A. Binfield

  “I did. Very good.”

  “And I have some news. I mean, I’m guessing you haven’t been near any entertainment websites today.”

  He cursed at a driver who pulled out of a side road without waiting.

  “No, I haven’t. I’ve been too busy crying in my room.” Casey lifted an eyebrow in his direction.

  “She’s leaving the show.”

  “Sorry?” Casey heard him. She just couldn’t quite believe what he was saying.

  “Olivia. A six-month break. They’re not saying why, so there’s a lot of speculation online, but Louise said she’s just had enough of the craziness, said she wants ‘something else’ from life.”

  “You’ve been in touch with Louise?” Casey couldn’t believe it. “When did you two get so close?”

  “Hello. Did you forget the time you and Olivia walked out of my party and left me and Louise wondering what the hell had happened?” His tone was gentler than the words he was saying. “We’ve formed a support group. Or maybe it’s more of an action committee, I don’t really know.” He lifted his hands from the wheel in a half-shrug.

  “Seriously, David. What the hell?”

  “What do you want me to say? We both think the two of you are being stubborn, stupid, and…” He searched for a word. “Well, mostly stubborn. And you both seem so unhappy about not being together.”

  “I don’t like it. I don’t like the idea of you talking about me, about how unhappy I might or might not be with Louise. With anyone. I had dinner with Mercy last night and we managed a whole night without her feeling the need to ask me about it. We managed to find a lot of other things to talk about. And it was just what I needed. Maybe you and your new friend, Louise, should try that—talking about other things.”

  Casey felt as annoyed as she sounded. But she also couldn’t help but react to the news that Olivia was unhappy. She didn’t want her to be. But the fact that she was gave Casey a little sliver of hope.

  “I’m sorry. We just hit it off. And I guess we both want our best friends to be happy, and somehow we both seem to think we know what’s best for our best friends.” David at least had the good grace to look sheepish.

  “Sounds like Olivia knows what’s best for Olivia. She’s taking a break and, presumably, going home to Brooklyn. Good for her.”

  Casey meant it, but she was surprised. Olivia had seemed kind of burned out with everything surrounding the show, but she’d never sounded like she was willing to give it all up. Not even for six months.

  “I know Brooklyn is even farther away from Portland than LA is, but it doesn’t make it impossible. Louise said that she’s promised to head west for regular visits.”

  “David,” Casey said. “Don’t. I’m serious. I know you mean well, but it’s not helping.”

  David turned into a side street, and Casey realized that they were heading for Café Brunest. She hadn’t thought to ask him where they were going. And she couldn’t exactly tell him that she wanted to go somewhere else. He pulled into one of the spaces opposite the café and turned off the engine. When he turned to look at her, he seemed serious.

  “Please just call her then. She apologized and you owe her a call. A chance to explain. I know she’s as sorry as you are. I can’t stand the idea that she might be your person and you’re letting her get away. There’s got to be something my romantic ass can do about it.”

  Casey felt an inexplicable urge to hug him. He was going about this all the wrong way, but he was doing it with love. And she loved him for it.

  “I’m staying here in London.” Casey hadn’t completely decided until she said the words out loud. And she didn’t want to face up to the fact that Olivia no longer being within reach of Portland helped her make up her mind.

  “Are you serious?” David was looking at her in shock.

  “I am. I miss you. I miss London. I even miss my mom. I should never have let Hannah chase me away last time.” Casey hadn’t given it anywhere near enough thought, but her gut told her it was the right thing. She was killing time in Portland and she wanted more than that for herself. “Gina has already figured out a way for me to work remotely while I’m here, so I’m sure I could keep doing that for a while.”

  David’s face broke into a wide grin. “Well, damn, that’s fantastic. So bloody fantastic. For a thousand and one different reasons.” He tried to hug her but got caught by his seat belt. They laughed. “You have made my day. And I suspect you’ve made Evelyn’s year. Does she know?”

  Casey shook her head. “No one knows. I just decided.”

  “Well, let’s go and celebrate. No champagne, but I’ll toast you with some toast.”

  “Sounds good.”

  “Go get us a table. I’ve just got a quick call to make.” David waggled his phone at her. “Two minutes I promise. I just need to sort out this job for tomorrow.”

  Casey frowned at him before getting out.

  “Oh, Casey,” he said and she leaned back in.

  “I don’t suppose you’re free tomorrow, are you? One last job before you leave me? I’ve got a VIP coming in from France for the tennis. Wants a woman driver. All a bit last minute.”

  It was the last thing she wanted to do. But she owed David for everything he’d done for her this trip. And then some.

  “Of course.”

  David looked relieved and oddly, very pleased with himself.

  Casey walked into the café and instinctively sat at the table she had shared with Olivia. She let the grief of everything that had happened between them wash over her again. And then she tormented herself with the regret she felt at not responding to Olivia’s message. At the time, hurt and confused by Olivia’s reaction, she ignored it. It was too little and far too late. But now, the regret poked at her. If she had responded, they might have worked things out and she might have been happier—really happy—at the news that Olivia was taking a break from the show because she wanted more from life. She would have felt encouraged and excited. Now, it just felt like a cruel reminder of how badly she had fucked things up.

  Estelle came into the room at the same time that David barreled in through the front door. He seemed even happier than when she had left him two minutes ago. He reached Estelle in three steps and bent down to kiss her on both cheeks.

  “Two Full Montys with tea, please, E. And I hope Bruno’s got some black pudding back there, I’m starving.” David took the seat opposite her, and Estelle headed back to the kitchen at her usual snail’s pace.

  Casey was having a hard time thinking about anything that wasn’t Olivia.

  “I love her, you know. I know it sounds soppy, but I didn’t expect to fall in love. And I think, as mad as it sounds, that it started right where you’re sitting now. With me watching her eat steak pudding with this amazed, delighted look on her face.” Casey stopped speaking, embarrassed that she’d said what was on her mind.

  “I don’t think it’s soppy, it’s wonderful. And you know what else? You love her. You used the present tense.” He smiled at her sweetly. “It’s important.”

  Casey waited for him to tell her again all the reasons why she should call Olivia, why she should try and save them. But he didn’t. He sat serenely, looking at her with a satisfied look on his face.

  “I guess it is important.” Casey let herself feel the sadness. At least being in London would mean she had people who could help her get over the heartache. And it would mean a lot more of Estelle’s cooking. It wasn’t much but it was something.

  Chapter Twenty-two

  The line of drivers waiting outside the arrivals hall at St. Pancras was a lot smaller than the one at Heathrow. Casey took a spot at one end and held up the sign that David had provided for her. She was meeting some big-shot French banker—a woman—in London for a few days to “do” Wimbledon. It was the middle of the day on a Saturday, and the drive was going to be
horrendous. Casey kept telling herself it was one last job for David before hanging up her chauffeur’s uniform for good, but it wasn’t doing much to improve her mood.

  It had now been exactly a week since Olivia had left—passing through this very same Eurostar terminal—and in the shower that morning, Casey had promised herself she was going to stop tormenting herself with all the things she should have done differently and get out of the fug she was stuck in. Mercy had tipped her off about a house share in Kennington—a neighborhood she liked—and the remote working for Gina was set up to go full-time starting Monday. Things were moving in the right direction, and she was grateful.

  She watched as a woman came out of the arrivals hall and ran into the arms of her girlfriend. They hugged and kissed and spun each other around. It would have been something she once found sweet. But now, her heart bruised by Olivia, the feeling of loss still heavy in her chest, Casey turned away. This weekend was one she had promised to spend with Olivia in Paris. If she had trusted Olivia with the truth, maybe they would have survived what Casey had done in the past and she’d have been getting off a train in Paris, with Olivia there to greet her like that.

  Casey might have wished that Olivia had shown a little more faith in her, had given her the chance to try to explain, but what would she have said? She’d done the wrong thing. And Olivia was too good for her. She had always known that really. And she guessed that, deep down, Olivia had always known it too.

  The doors to the arrivals hall slid open again, and a steadier trickle of people starting coming out. Casey cursed as someone jostled her, trying to force themselves into a better position at the railings where people were lining up and waiting. She dropped her sign and bent to pick it up.

  “Casey.”

  She jumped into an upright position, not expecting the woman to know her name. She was ready to apologize, but the word got stuck in her throat. Standing in front of her, a small rucksack over her shoulder, an uncertain expression on her beautiful face, was Olivia. Casey felt everything slow down and then speed up again—and that included her heartbeat.

  “Olivia, what are you doing here? I thought you’d gone.”

  Casey regretted the choice of words. Olivia hadn’t gone, not really. She was gone from Casey’s life, but she had every right to come back to London, to be in whatever city she chose.

  “I have the weekend off.” Olivia was still gazing at her, and Casey felt herself unable to look away. Every day since Olivia had walked away from her, Casey had wished for the chance to see her again, to have a chance to explain, and with Olivia standing in front of her now, all she could do was stare.

  “I figured London was only a couple of hours away and I…” Olivia hesitated, her voice breaking slightly. “I missed seeing a lot of the things I wanted to see when I was here before I left, I mean.” Olivia looked down, seeming upset about something. Casey felt the urge to go to her, to hold her. But after everything that had happened between them, she understood that it probably wouldn’t have been welcome.

  “Paris is pretty cool. It has a lot of great things you could see.” Casey tried to make herself seem unaffected by Olivia’s presence. She was doing it for her own sake, but also for Olivia’s. She wanted to make them running into each other easy on Olivia, less awkward.

  “Casey, please.” Olivia looked up at her, her expression hurt. “I was hoping we could have a coffee or something. Is that possible? I hoped at the very least that you’d hear me out.”

  “I can’t, I’m sorry. I’m not saying I don’t want to.” Casey wanted to. The strength of her longing to go with Olivia, to hear what she had to say, was surprising even to her. “But I’m working. I’m expecting someone any minute now, someone I have to drive to Wimbledon. It’ll take me half the day to get back here.”

  “Christine Lagarde?” Olivia said the name on Casey’s card with a smile that Casey didn’t understand. “Don’t be mad, okay. It was all David and Louise’s idea. I didn’t want to go along with it at first, but I just couldn’t find the courage to call you, and I realized how desperately I missed you, how stupid I’d been. And we’d said we were going to spend this weekend together. I—” Olivia seemed like she ran out of words.

  “Christine Lagarde is not getting off this train?” The penny slowly dropped.

  “She might. She’s a real person I think. But if she does get off the train, you don’t have to drive her anywhere. David sent you here to meet me. And Louise sent me here to meet you. I think they both think we have things we need to talk about.”

  Casey couldn’t decide if she wanted to strangle David or hug him. She looked at Olivia—at the beautiful, fascinating, wonderful woman that the universe had tossed in her path three weeks ago—and hope crept up inside of her. How could she say no?

  “I would love to have a coffee with you.”

  * * *

  Regents Canal was nowhere near as impressive as the River Thames, but the towpath was quiet and Casey was grateful for that. They walked about half a mile before Olivia spotted a bench and asked if they could sit. Now they were sitting and watching the ducks, both of them seeming stuck for words.

  Having Olivia this close and not being able to reach for her, to kiss her, to even hold her hand, was something close to impossible. Casey had her hands in her pockets in the hope it would help.

  Olivia had come back to her. She was giving them a chance, but Casey felt terrified at the idea that she wouldn’t be able to explain, that she wouldn’t be able to say the right things, to make things better. She took in and let out a deep breath and turned to Olivia.

  “I think everything I say next is going to sound like I’m making excuses. But I’m not. Honestly I’m not. I didn’t behave in a way that I’m proud of. And obviously I wish I’d done it differently. Not just with Hannah, but with you. I should have just told you all of it, explained properly, asked for your understanding and hoped…” Casey hesitated, not sure what she had expected.

  “Hoped that I didn’t react as horribly as I did, hoped that I didn’t judge you without even knowing what had happened.” Olivia held her gaze. “I’m the one who should be sorry. I was too quick to judge. Maybe you won’t believe me, but it’s not like me to be like that. I just couldn’t stop thinking of what Kristin did, and I let it get in the way of listening to you, believing in you. And I’ve spent a week wishing it had gone differently, worrying that I’d lost you.”

  Olivia’s voice was thick with emotion, and when she stopped to compose herself, Casey couldn’t help but reach for her hand. And when Olivia let her take it, turning it, so they could entwine their fingers, Casey felt like someone had just lifted a weight from her chest. She let herself enjoy the feel of Olivia’s hand, let herself breathe.

  “Well, I want you to know it’s not at all the kind of thing I would do again. And I should have tried harder, for us. I should’ve gone after you. I told myself that forcing you to listen to my excuses wouldn’t work. I think deep down,” Casey took in a breath, “I thought maybe you wanted a way out, that you knew that the two of us weren’t going to make it.”

  “That’s absolutely not true.” Olivia’s denial was quick, and it gave Casey the encouragement to continue. If they were going to have a chance, they needed to say what needed to be said and put everything behind them.

  “When I found out about Hannah and Zoey, I was devastated. Things hadn’t been great between us, but I wasn’t expecting her to do that. I saw them, I heard them—” Casey stopped. She’d never told anyone this. “I came back early. They were recording a video. I don’t know what made me listen in, but I did. They were talking about how and when to tell me, how they might introduce their relationship to their audience. They were worried. Not about me, but about whether it might turn people against them and cost them sponsors. It was so casual, so callous. I didn’t burst in on them or anything dramatic like that. I just went out. And I got drunk. I
don’t know if I was drowning my sorrows or drinking for the courage to confront her.”

  “You don’t have to tell me all this.” Olivia’s voice was gentle. She stroked Casey’s hand with her thumb.

  “I think I do. Whatever else happens, I don’t want there to be any more secrets between us.” She rolled her shoulders, willing the tension out of her body. She made herself focus on the feel of Olivia’s soft stroking.

  “That night was when I stumbled and broke the camera. I think it was a light bulb moment for Hannah. She wasn’t bothered about me finding out about her sleeping with Zoey—I think it was a relief actually—but me breaking the camera gave her the chance to play the victim online and to have me arrested. You know all this. They suspended me at work. They started an investigation. She started making videos about how awful I’d been to her, about how much she’d suffered with me, and I couldn’t stand it. If it was true, that would have been one thing, but it wasn’t, none of it. I just—”

  Casey couldn’t bear to carry on. She rubbed a hand across her forehead. The feelings were no longer fresh, nowhere near as hurtful, but telling all this to Olivia was hard.

  “I just wanted her to stop. To be left alone. So…well, the rest you know.”

  Olivia stared at her in silence, and Casey had no idea if what she said had helped or made things worse.

  “I’m sorry I didn’t show more understanding. I was so stupid, Casey.” Olivia took in a breath. “And I’ve missed you so much.” She said the words so softly, but the power of them and the intensity of Olivia’s gaze, caused Casey to shiver.

  “I’m sorry I almost ruined things.”

  “No more apologies.” Olivia placed a finger on Casey’s lips as if to silence her, and Casey felt like all the blood in her body rushed to the spot where Olivia’s finger was. And when Olivia moved her finger, softly tracing it across Casey’s bottom lip, Casey grew hot, aware of the throbbing that had started low down in her center. “Nothing’s ruined. We came back from the brink.”