Stubborn Hearts

by Hutchinson, Heidi

  “Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit,” she panted, scrambling to the driver's side and fumbling with her keys. She pressed the unlock button on the key fob and jerked up on the handle, her eyes darting to the front door of the house just as Vic opened it.

  “Where are you going?” he shouted as she climbed into the seat and hit the locks again.

  Ryan's shaking hands jammed the keys into the ignition repeatedly until she finally got it. She yelped when Vic pounded on the passenger side window with a fist.

  “Shit, shit, shit,” she hissed, slamming the shifter into drive. The tires squealed as she jerked the wheel away from the curb and smashed the gas pedal to the floor at the same time.

  She didn't look in the rear view. She just drove as hard and as fast as she could until she was several blocks away. At a stop sign, she put on her seat belt. As soon as she reached familiar territory, she groped for her phone, which had been left in the cup holder.

  “Nine-one-one, what is your emergency?”

  She didn't know if Vic was in danger. But she did know that Vic was probably going back to jail. She wasn't going to feel guilty about that. Nope. She was going to feel thankful for her next breath and clean criminal record.

  And then she was going home to pack.

  thirty

  “This is the most temporary of goodbyes.”

  Ryan's 22nd birthday

  October

  Ryan watched the sun break over the horizon and her heart broke just a little more. Maybe that was okay. Maybe things had to break in order to be new again.

  She thought about all the boxes she'd shipped to an address in Connecticut that she had never been to before, but was now going to be home. She'd seen the pictures that Kelly had on file. It was a lovely house, perfect for what she needed.

  It was the lack of boxes that had caught her mind. She was twenty-two and had barely lived a life. Had she known how easy it would be to pack up the few things she loved and wanted to keep, she probably would have done it a year ago. Packing had been cathartic. Her hands focused on the tangible, as her mind put away the complicated. Wrapping the fragile parts in paper, tucking them into boxes to be opened in the future.

  One box for kitchen items, one box for bathroom, one for memento, two for books.

  And one box for Jesse.

  Pictures, a CD he had loaned her and she planned to never return, pamphlets and leaflets from the races they'd been at.

  A roll of film she hadn't planned on developing. But as she sat there, staring inside a small box, looking at all of the pieces that was left of the only friendship and only adventure of her life, she found herself needing to see more.

  Taking the film into town, she'd found a processor, dropped it off, and had gone home. She'd picked the developed photos up that night.

  But she couldn't bring herself to look at them. It would be just another goodbye.

  Isn't that what every day was now? Small and big goodbyes? The packing up and putting away of more than objects — of people, familiarity, memories, experiences, comfort zones, and bad ideas.

  Of all the boxes she'd sent with the movers, she'd kept the box with Jesse in it for herself to bring. Her travel companion one last time.

  Which brought her mind back to the sunrise and the packet of photos in her hand. She unfolded the flap and carefully slid the stack of glossy images into her soft fingers. After months of working with lace and satin lingerie, the callouses had grown thin. She had the hands of a woman again, a proper one anyway. The hands of a writer, she supposed. Which was the new plan now. Because with the developing of these photos and the packing of a box, she'd put away her desire to finish school. Equine Veterinarian was officially a dead dream. It was buried with Red's hooves and heart on her dad's farm.

  Tears dripped down her cheeks as she slowly shuffled through the photos. Pictures of the tracks, of the best horse in the world, of Jesse and George, of Jesse and Ryan, of Jesse and Red.

  No matter what the future brought, Ryan would always have a special place in her heart for those two. The three of them were a good team — one of the best. The lessons she'd learned that year — the year of Red — were irreplaceable.

  Her phone buzzed and she slipped it out of her pocket. A smile began when she read George's name as the sender.

  George: Happy Birthday, Ryan. If you have time today, stop by the house. I have a gift for you.

  Ryan hadn't seen George in months, though he'd stayed in contact via text message. He often sent her silly jokes or remarks about the weather. She was going to be leaving here today, not knowing when or if she would ever return. The least she could do was say goodbye to George.

  One more goodbye to check off the list.

  ***

  Jesse squinted at the scribbles on the notebook paper he held pinched between his fingers at the top of the steering wheel. Glancing up, he spotted the street sign that signaled his next turn. Why George had been adamant he stop by today, he didn't know. But it was the least he could do for the best groom he'd ever known.

  Now that the Zacherson Racing stables had been closed and everyone had been let go and the horses sold, Jesse wasn't sure when he'd get to see George again.

  He parked his truck in the street behind a gold Toyota Camry and strode up to the front porch. His knock went ignored, but he heard voices around the back of the house, so he began moving that way.

  As he rounded the corner, a light laugh hit his ears and his steps faltered.

  At first, he thought she was just a figment of his imagination. He'd missed her so much that he'd started hallucinating her. He stood still, watching her laugh. Her smile so fucking bright it tore his heart to shreds while at the same time healing the empty hole he'd been trying to ignore.

  Her brown eyes landed on him and her smile changed. It became that special mixture of hope and brilliance that was all Ryan.

  A fuzzy puppy jumped into her face and robbed her attention. Jesse's feet found movement again and carried him to her side — which happened to be surrounded by four, very rambunctious black and tan puppies.

  “Glad you could make it, Mr. Hart.” George grinned up at him from his seat in the grass.

  Jesse tipped his hat George's direction and swallowed hard. Ryan's eyes flickered up to him, unsure, confused. But damn him if they weren't pleased as all heck.

  “Especially since I know you're looking to get out of town this week. I sure do appreciate you taking the time to stop by.” George stood up and dusted off his pants. He smiled down at Ryan and the puppies. “Proper goodbye for all of us, I reckon,” George murmured softly. “I'll get some lemonade and birthday cake.”

  Jesse watched George's retreating back, too overwhelmed by Ryan's proximity to chance looking down and having her disappear suddenly.

  “George always did see more than he let on,” Ryan said, her voice a welcome sound to Jesse's ears.

  “Best groom in the world,” Jesse agreed. Then he tipped his eyes down to her pretty face and really let himself feel the impact of her presence in his life again. He almost started laughing, the easing in his chest was so great.

  He sank to the dirt beside her, fielding puppies that charged him with new interest. But he didn't take his eyes off of her.

  “How though? How are you here right now?” he asked.

  She smiled and brought a squirming puppy to her face. “For the puppies. George said I could pick one out for my birthday.” She rubbed her nose against the face of the one she was holding and her voice got goofy. “Yes he did. That's what he said. Should I pick you? Are you the cutest puppy in the whole wide world? Yes, you are. Yes, you are.”

  Jesse chuckled and her eyes swung up to connect with his.

  “Are you here for the puppies?” she asked.

  “It appears that way,” Jesse said, pulling his hand out the mouth of one of the puppies that was trying to run off with it. “It's so good to see you.”

  “George mentioned you were leaving?”
Her attention was back on the puppies, but her question was tense. Like she was a little afraid of the answer.

  Jesse licked his lips. “Yeah. Tomorrow actually.”

  “Where are you going?” she asked, her voice soft.

  “I have a job up north. Kentucky. Just outside of Lexington.” He chuckled. “Rafe Trudeau got it for me, if you can believe it.”

  Ryan's head tilted to the side and she smiled crookedly. “Why doesn't that surprise me?”

  “What about you?”

  “Connecticut.” She cleared her throat. “Today actually. I'm supposed to be on the road right now. I'm procrastinating.”

  “I'm glad,” he said roughly. “I've missed you.”

  Her smile waned, but she tried to fight it. “I miss you every day, all day long.”

  As good as that felt to hear, he knew it wasn't good for her in the long run. “Don't miss me too much. I'm just a man after all.”

  “You're my best friend, Jesse Hart,” she said seriously. He held her eyes, unable to speak around the lump in his throat. That was okay, though, because she let him go with another disarming smile. “Is Lexington ready for your skills?”

  He shook his head with a contrite grin. “I have no idea if I'll even take the job. It's...” He let his words fade away as his eyes lost focus.

  “It's hard to go back,” she supplied, understanding in her tone.

  “It's really hard.” He took a breath. “It's like, all I see is that moment — over and over again. The one where everything ended... I don't remember what it felt like anymore. It's gone. Learning a new horse and gaining its trust... It's just... gone.”

  Ryan shifted onto her hands and knees and crawled towards him through the wrestling puppies. When she was in front of him she paused for a half a second before sitting back on her heels and grasping his face with her hands.

  Her soft brown eyes, sad — sadder than he had ever seen — with all the things they both felt but couldn't articulate, flitted over his face like she was refreshing her memory.

  “It'll come back, Jesse. Just give it time. Don't close off your heart to your dream.”

  “And you? Will you come back to me?” he asked roughly.

  Her eyes glossed over and she sucked her bottom lip into her mouth, biting down. “That wasn't the deal,” she whispered, words trembling.

  He slid his hands around her waist and up her back, pulling her to his chest. She wrapped her arms around his neck and buried her face there.

  ***

  George watched the two friends embrace from his back window and gave them their moment. This was what he'd hoped for today. People who love each other, should be allowed to love each other. It was something his mother used to say and it was something he had always believed.

  Love was good. All of the time.

  The rest of the morning was filled with laughter and cake and stories. They all needed the time together to set things right. To make sure they would all be okay. Ryan had brought pictures for all of them. George tucked them away, glad to have the memories. He would never forget these two young people and now he wouldn't have an excuse.

  Both Jesse and Ryan took puppies. Brothers. Named them after one of their favorite authors. Ryan had Clive, Jesse had Staples. George was just pleased he could do that for them. Nothing healed a broken heart like having a furry animal dependent upon your care.

  The puppies would have good homes, George was sure of that. Because those two people had a huge capacity for love.

  And love was good.

  All of the time.

  ***

  While Pearl Jam sang “Just Breathe” over the speakers of her radio, tears streamed freely down Ryan's face as she sang along. She took a deep breath, smiling at the puppy in the crate beside her that was barking at the toy she'd bought him before they'd left town.

  “It's gonna be a good day, Clive. I promise. It's gonna be a good life. We get to start brand new. Not everyone has a chance like this.”

  She glanced in the rear view mirror as her hometown faded in the background.

  “Let's be brave.”

  epilogue

  “Always Yours, Always with you”

  Seven and a half years later

  Churchill Downs

  May

  “Are you sure you want to be here?”

  Sway's eyes, which had been taking in all of the new sights around him — the twin spires, the green roofed buildings, the way the sun hit the infield and seemed to hover and glow — refocused on his wife.

  Ryan licked her lips and ducked her head as they passed a group of people leading a horse. A slight blush began on her neck and she finally returned her eyes to his.

  He stopped their forward trajectory and faced her. “Yes, I want to be here. This is a part of who you are.” He reached up to tuck a free strand of her long blonde hair behind her ear.

  She rolled her eyes. “Who I was. This is like revisiting a grade school playground.”

  He tilted his head and narrowed his eyes. “Stop it.”

  “Stop what?”

  “Stop downplaying things about you that are important. I don't like it.”

  She heaved an exasperated sigh. “Sway — ”

  “No, Ryan. This is Churchill Downs. This is exciting anyway. It's more exciting because you have a personal connection to it. Stop asking me if I actually want to be here. It's like asking me if I actually like you. And it's just going to piss me off.”

  She dropped her head like she was ashamed, but he wasn't falling for it. He grabbed her by the back of the head and folded her into a hug. “And don't play wounded to get me to back off either.” Her head shot up and she narrowed her eyes at him. He grinned. “You are so gorgeous. Especially when you're caught.”

  She shook her head, but he didn't miss the pleased smile on her pouty lips. They turned, arms around one another and continued their stroll through the stable area at the back of the track.

  His wife was the greatest storyteller he had ever known. After Christmas, he revisited the box marked “Jesse” again and again until she finally told him the story.

  And what a story it was.

  Telling it seemed to settle a few things inside of her and Sway liked it. He wanted more of that for her.

  It had taken quite a bit of convincing to get Ryan to agree to going to the Kentucky Derby with him this year. He had never been, and the last time she had been here, it hadn't been a positive trip. But he could tell, she missed it. And so he didn't give up and now they were there.

  The sun was just beginning to lose some of its harsh glare and move into early evening, casting shadows across the track and bringing a peacefulness to the day. Sway squinted his eyes at a familiar looking black and tan dog as he lay snoozing beside a stall door.

  “Is it just me, or does that dog look exactly like Clive?” he asked, lifting his chin in that direction.

  Ryan's body stilled beside him. She broke away from his hold and slowly made her way over to the dog. So like her. If it was an animal, she had no trouble introducing herself. She was more likely to play dead if it was a familiar person. But animals were safe.

  “You know what they say about sleeping dogs,” Sway reminded her, sliding his hands into his jeans and leaning a shoulder against a post.

  The dog's head came up, ears alert, focused on Ryan as she approached. “Hey, puppy,” she said softly. The tail started wagging and Ryan crouched down, holding out her hands to be inspected. Soon she was rubbing love all over the dog with both of her hands, face, whatever she could use.

  ***

  “Staples! C'mere, now.”

  The dog's head swung around at the man's voice, and he stood up. So did Ryan. Slowly at first, and then all at once as the truth of what was happening really began to register.

  Being here, the smell, the feel, the weight of everything she had left here. And then his voice. Hearing it wasn't jarring. No, it was expected and welcome. It didn't feel like it had been seven years. It f
elt like he'd just stepped away for a minute and now he was back.

  “Sorry, he likes women,” the man apologized as his dog came to his side. He took his hat off and stepped into the light, intent on introducing himself.

  But he didn't have to.

  Ryan didn't know why she thought she wouldn't see him. What part of her believed that he ceased to exist in this world, when the truth was, this was his world. It always had been. Part of the deal she'd made all those years ago was so that he could keep his world.

  “Jesse,” she said, surprised at the solidness of her voice.

  Indigo eyes warmed with recognition and disbelief. He took two more steps forward, a slight frown playing on his eyebrows.

  “I'll be damned,” he murmured.

  Seven years ago, from the eyes of a girl, Jesse Hart had been tough and strong and able.

  Looking at him now, with more life under his belt than most people, she could see how wrong she'd been. Back then he'd been a boy, young in his search for gold.

  Now, he was a man.

  Sway cleared his throat and she could feel him at her back, waiting for the introduction. He knew of course. Sway knew everything there was to know about Jesse. She'd told him all about it before they got here. She suspected her story was what really had driven Sway to want to make this trip.

  “Jesse, this is Sway,” she said, gesturing with a hand. “My husband.”

  Jesse's eyes moved to Sway then and Ryan saw the wet that had gathered in the indigo. The trainer smiled a genuine, rich, happy smile at Sway and held out his hand, which Sway took immediately.

  “Pleasure,” Jesse said.

  “Same here,” Sway returned. When they let go of their handshake, Sway slid his arm around Ryan's waist and rested his hand on her hip lightly. This was a regular hold for them. Nothing out of the ordinary. Comfortable and easy, her safe place no matter where she was in the world. With Sway at her side, she was home.