Surrender to More

by Rachel De Lune

  “Alright. Drive safe, Princess.” He turns and lets the water rush over his head.

  I leave and head home for a pit-stop before going to work.

  Luc is right. The sex is the easy aspect of our relationship. Everything else I’m learning as we go along. At the moment, I’m letting my fear get in the way of what I want.

  The bar is crammed full of people, including a few from my department. No one from management came along for drinks, which was lucky. With the forthcoming communication, I’d steer clear from the social setting if I were them. Even the Christmas party was tolerable.

  I stagger through to order another cocktail. I gave up on wine after the meal.

  “Hey, Jess!” Hannah greets me, waiting for the bar staff to serve her. “I thought you had left?”

  “No, you should know I never leave early.” I give her a wide grin.

  “True. But you said you needed a quiet weekend.”

  “That doesn’t mean I can’t be out drinking on a Friday night.” I arch my brow and give her a pointed look.

  “Two Singapore slings please?” I lean over the bar and give the barman a subtle tilt of my head. He scoots away to fix my drinks without registering Hannah next to me.

  “How do you do that?”

  “What?”

  “Get served before me. Every time?” Hannah pouts a ‘I’d really love to know your secret’ pout, rather than a ‘I hate you, bitch’ pout.

  “Years of practice. Besides, I’ve ordered for you so it’s fine.”

  “I’ve had enough for one night.”

  “No, you haven’t. Just this one and then I’ll let you go. Deal?”

  “Like I’d ever say no to you.” She smiles and turns back to the bar, where the barman delivers our fruity drinks.

  “Cheers!” We clink before taking a long sip.

  Two hours and at least two more cocktails later, Hannah drags me out of the bar. I’ve dug my heels in and attempted to stay, but in all honesty, I’ve had far too much to consider fighting her off. She might be petite, but she’s ruthlessly efficient, and that apparently extends to getting me home as well.

  “I’ll see you at work on Monday. I wouldn’t get up tomorrow if I were you.”

  “Maybe. Thank you for calling my carriage and don’t be daft. We’re sharing the taxi.”

  “Oh, right.” She smiles at me. I stop my chatter and climb into the back of the taxi and slide across the seat allowing room for Hannah. I dig in my bag looking for my phone while she rattles off our addresses.

  I hope I’ll see you Sunday. Luc

  He doesn’t give up!

  I lean my head back on the rest and wait to reach Hannah’s before calling him back. I’m pretty sure our conversation isn’t one for my assistant’s ears. The taxi pulls up to her house.

  “See you Monday. Thanks for tonight,” she says.

  “Same.” I fight to keep my eyes open and not fall into a sleep-slash-alcohol coma. “Have a good weekend.”

  Hannah leaves and the driver pulls off heading to home.

  I swipe my phone and call Luc.

  “Urr…hello.” A deep, sleep-filled voice answers.

  “Hey. I don’t think I agreed to Sunday just yet.”

  “Sunday? Jess… it’s late.”

  “Well you texted me, and I will make my own decisions, and Sunday is mine, and you can’t take it from me. I will not cave even if I want to, do you hear me?”

  “Where are you?”

  “On my way home.” I yawn and let my head loll to the side as I struggle to focus.

  “You’re still out at, 3:30 in the morning?”

  “Mmm hmm.” His voice is soothing. The groggy edge had cleared, and all that was left was the deep timber I loved. My eyes close and the darkness pulls me under for a few minutes. I think it’s minutes. I’m still moving.

  “What number, love?” The driver’s voice startles me.

  “Sorry, what?”

  “House number?”

  “Twenty… twenty five.” I peer through the window and try and make out where we are. I recognise the street, thankfully. I pick up my phone and remember talking to Luc. Shit! I check to see if he texted but nothing. I’m so sorry, might have had a little too much to drink! X

  The taxi stops, and I nearly fall forward in my attempt to get out of the damn car. I shove him a twenty on my way out and regain my balance before venturing to the door. My keys are somewhere in my bag, and with a little effort, I dig them out, find the correct key and push the door open. I all but fall flat on my face as the door swings open under my weight.

  I discard my offending heels, and dump my bag in the hall. I kick the door closed and then make my way up to my bed. The soft, cool comfort of the duvet greets me as I fall onto the sheets and let the last of my energy seep from my limbs. My body stills and all that’s left is the gentle buzzing in my ears from the alcohol. I pull my legs up and stay curled up on top of the covers, content even though I’m still fully dressed. I want to let sleep win this time. I can repair any damage with Luc tomorrow morning.

  A loud bang scares my body into action. I force my eyes open and my legs to move. My foggy brain is having a hard time trying to process, but I’m sure I shut the front door. The house was quiet. It’s the middle of the night. But there are footsteps in my house and the light in the hall just turned on. The yellow hue spills around my bedroom door.

  I scramble to the side table, switch the light on and grab for my phone. It isn’t there. It’s still in my bag downstairs.

  Fear guides my body towards the door as Luc strides in.

  “Jesus Christ, Luc. You scared the shit out of me.” I pound on his chest.

  “Good, you deserve it. Do you even know how I got in here? Your key. Still in the fucking door. I could have been anyone, Jess.”

  The adrenalin pumps full throttle through my veins and as I comprehend what he’s saying. It turns my stomach. An icy weight settles in as I take a moment to think about what could have happened. Luc registers my distress because he’s wrapped me in his arms before I can protest.

  I should be fighting him. I should be demanding to know why he’s here, but I don’t have the strength. My body gives in. I melt under him and rest my head against his shoulder.

  “Time for bed, Princess.”

  “Yes, please,” I mumble into his chest. I’m not going to argue. My head is on pause until the morning. Luc steers me towards the bed where I sit and let him undress me. It is the most un-sexual interaction we’ve ever had, but it didn’t matter. He was taking care of me, and that made it more important than all the other times.

  After stripping me, he holds the covers open for me to slide into bed before divesting his own clothes and climbing in after me. I didn’t watch him undress. “Come here, Princess.” He raises his arm and I scoot across and nuzzle into him. I’m enveloped by heat and skin and smell. Everything that surrounds me is Luc, and I drift off peacefully feeling whole again.

  Heat swamps me and brings me around from my sleep. I’m too hot and too confined. I wiggle my shoulder and try to move from my position, only to remember it’s Luc’s body next to me trapping me in place. I carefully roll onto my back to get a look at him. Through the fog that inhabits my brain, I remember the events of last night that led to this. A wave of feeling rises from the pit of my stomach and the sting of tears threaten my tired eyes. He came to check on me. He cares about me, and I’m still trying to find the part of me that trusts enough to let him in. My finger lifts to trace the side of his face. My own hero, of sorts. One I’m struggling not to let into my heart, because I know it will only end in pain. Pete cheated. Daniel left me. It would be the same for Luc. But I didn’t want that. I wanted to enjoy him while I could.

  I snuggle in closer to his body, content to enjoy the time we have. My eyes close and I think back to the reason we were fighting. The reason I was fighting. My self-imposed control and distance were damaging the relationship we were trying to build. I knew it
logically, but that didn’t stop me from putting up blocks.

  Luc stirs beside me and pulls his arm tighter around me as he turns over in bed. I shouldn’t have drunk so much last night. My head was not thanking me. I need water and a cup of tea and a day to recover in bed.

  “How are you feeling, Princess?” Luc’s voice rumbles in his chest, still filled with the sounds of a late night.

  “My head is beginning to feel the consequences of my actions.”

  “Well, you’ve only got yourself to blame.” He turns to pull me into his embrace. “Go back to sleep if you want. I’m happy here.” The delicious scrape of his stubble reminds me of how close we are. His lips stay pressed against my skin in what I’d describe as the perfect morning snuggle if it weren’t for the drummer boy warming up in my head.

  I let Luc’s calmness blanket me and my eyes slide closed. Just a little longer.

  This is nice. My heart sings.

  This is what you need. It beats out.

  Embrace this.

  “Do you want me to make you tea?”

  “Huh?”

  “Tea. You said you were a tea drinker, and I know you’re not a morning person. I was offering.”

  “Please. And a glass of water, thanks.”

  His chuckle reached my ears. Nausea rolls in my stomach as I attempt to sit up, so I collapse back to bed. I have a good tolerance for drink, so feeling this fragile meant I pushed my limit last night.

  “Pills, water and tea.” Luc materialises by the bed with a tray in his hand. “You look like you need all three.”

  “What?”

  “You fell back to sleep. Tea and water. I found the painkillers in the bathroom cabinet.”

  “Thank you. I need a few minutes and maybe a shower. I’ve had plenty of hangovers,” I grumble into my pillow, frustrated that Luc is seeing me at my worst.

  The bed dips as he joins me back on the bed. The waft of coffee hits my nose, and I shudder at the alien morning smell.

  “Want to tell me why you felt the need to get hammered last night?”

  “It was a long week.”

  “Was it for any particular reason you were out?”

  “Christmas party.”

  “And you didn’t feel you could tell me that?”

  “Not that I couldn’t tell you, more like I didn’t think I had to. I’m sorry. Can we leave the questions?” I prop myself up on my elbow and try a version of scowling that doesn’t make my face ache.

  “Just trying to understand the inner workings of Jessica Riley.”

  “Well, that’s not technically your job. I see Dr. Cross, remember.” I fight my way up to sitting and take the painkillers, washing them down with water and a chaser of hot tea.

  Arrr.

  I let the morning nectar infuse me with familiarity. This is what I need. I gently sip at the mug and let Luc drink his coffee until I was ready to wake myself up with a shower.

  “I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

  “Take your time.”

  The shower is my own personal remedy. The water calms my head to a dull fuzz. I finally turn off the shower and cuddle the bath towel around me. I rough dry my hair and then go back out to the bed.

  Luc was waiting patiently. His muscular torso is on display above the covers as he leans back enjoying his own version of a morning drink.

  “Better?”

  “Much.” I pull back the covers and slide back into the warmth.

  “Ready to talk to me?”

  “What’s with all the talking?”

  “I told you, I want to get to know you. I’m extremely familiar with your body, and I want to play catch up with your mind. Stop avoiding and be honest. Remember the rules.” His tone grows dark, daring me to push him further. Of course, I don’t.

  He traces a gentle finger along my jaw and turns my face to his. “You’re having a hard time relaxing around me.”

  “No, I’m not. Not all the time.”

  “Yes, outside of a sexual context, you fight me at every step.”

  “It’s not something I’m used to. I feel vulnerable, weak even. I’m used to a different kind of relationship.” He lifts his arm, and I go to him, suddenly craving the contact if we’re going to talk. It settles my skittish brain.

  “Are you going to tell me more about why you don’t like opening up or allowing anybody close?” My finger creeps up to his chest and begins to draw lazy circles over his pec. I wanted something to focus on besides the words waiting to be set free.

  “I loved two men. The first cheated on me. The second left me. I’ve kept my distance since then. I’ve wanted to be in control of my feelings and how close I get to the men I see. Call it a defence mechanism. You scare me because you’re not allowing me to fall into my usual habits. Dr. Cross says if I want to change, I can. But it’s hard, and you push.”

  “I like pushing. You know that.”

  “But this is all new to me. Not just the relationship thing, but the submissive stuff as well.”

  “What are you afraid of?” The question rings in my head, and my finger pauses on its short journey. I couldn’t let him know about my humiliation at being left. My emotions tangle in my stomach at the thought of never seeing him again. “Being weak.”

  “Not all submissives are weak or a pushover, Jess. Do you see Izzy as weak?” He didn’t understand what I meant about my fear. My fear was letting myself love him and being hurt. Again. I had to pick myself up and start over. I wasn’t ready to let him in on all of that just yet.

  “I used to. I thought she was crazy and found it really hard to accept she let her ex treat her the way he did. Then she was all over the place with Seb. I didn’t understand how she could let someone control her the way he did, yet still love them. That doesn’t mean I love her any less. I just didn’t understand. Much of me still doesn’t, but seeing her now and visiting Solace has helped.”

  “When you submit to me, it doesn’t have to be about giving me the power to rule your life. Some people want, or need that. There are hundreds of ways to practice BDSM and the relationships within it.” Luc can’t disguise the passion laced beneath the smoky surface of his voice. Being a Dominant wasn’t something he played at. I knew that. He never hid it. I suppose, I didn’t really understand the connotations at first.

  “I can feel you melt when I touch you. Your body submits, but it takes a while for your mind to catch up. When I dominate you, I shut down your brain, and you’re left with your feelings. You can let go of your fears, and I’ll keep you safe. I’ll get the satisfaction of knowing I’m strong enough to match you and save you from falling.”

  Holy crap!

  My heart swells, fusing together the cold pieces that lay dormant for so long and making it whole. He’s breathed life into my soul and made me hope that maybe, I can keep this up, and work through my behaviours and learn to trust.

  Right then, I would give anything to be able to abandon myself to this man. I saw it happening. I felt it, with each caress, each harsh grip and every moan that left my lips while I was with him. And now he’s saying words that would have any girl sobbing aloud in a second.

  My heart was playing patty-cake against my ribs. I was excited, despite myself. The lust I had felt on first sight was morphing into another L word that I promised myself I would never allow into my heart again.

  I burrow against his chest, shielding myself from his gaze. His heart is strong and steady and gave away nothing about how he was feeling after that speech. My heart and soul wanted to sit up and kiss him, affirming his words with a seal of my own. But I wasn’t ready. My feelings were running riot after Luc crashed through the last of the walls that penned them in.

  It would be fine. It was my little secret. I didn’t have to tell him I’d fallen for him. I’d still be able to survive it. However, that thought didn’t offer any sense of comfort as I knew loving Luc would be unlike anything I’d ever experienced before.

  “That’s quite the speech, Luc.” />
  “Call it a pre-emptive strike.”

  “I don’t follow.”

  “If I put all my cards on the table, so to speak, If I show you the honesty I expect in my relationships, I’m hoping you’ll show me the same courtesy.” He squeezes my shoulder and shuffles down the bed further and turns so we’re facing each other. It was such a simple action, something that hundreds of people do all of the time, everyday. For me, I was starting to feel cherished. Special. On some level, it was scarier than when he stripped me and laid me bare.

  “I will try. I promise. I know I’m not good at it, but I will try harder. I like this. Although I am feeling uncomfortable being so close to you, I like it.”

  “See, was that so hard?” He grins, his biggest, sexiest smile, and I dissolve into a fit of giggles in his arms.

  “Yes, it was, evil man.”

  “Thank you.” He stifles any further complaints with a slow and lazy kiss. It burns through my veins, and I let him take the lead. Like this, I can forget my worries for another time.

  “When do you need to get up?” I question when his lips finally decide they’ve tasted enough.

  “Who said anything about getting up?”

  “Oh, I assumed you’d want to get going.”

  “No, I’m in no kind of a hurry to leave you today. And don’t even try and protest.” The smile breaks free on my face. For once, I wasn’t pushing him out the door.

  “When I said I wasn’t in a hurry to leave, I did think we’d get up at some point. You’ll feel better if you get out of bed.” Luc’s gentle scold doesn’t make me want to move.

  “Who says?”

  “I am a doctor you know. You should listen to me.” Despite knowing he was only joking around, I couldn’t stop the shiver that climbed my spine and set my hairs to attention. I snap my head up to look at him watching over me, another cup of tea in his hand. He places it on the bedside table and sits down on the bed.

  “Relax, Princess.”

  I’m frustrated that he affects me so much. I pull myself from the warmth of the duvet and sit back up in bed.