Sunsets and Shades

by Erica Lee

  Leah scrunched up her nose at my request. “It feels weird to support that when it could hurt my other bestie in the process.”

  “Seriously, dude?” I scoffed. “She’s shacking up with her ex this weekend. Do you honestly think she’s not getting it in?”

  Leah stared at the ceiling as if she was considering my words. “Fine. When do you want to go?”

  “Five minutes,” I squealed, as I hopped out of bed.

  Within an hour, Leah and I were walking into the club. As soon as I took in my surroundings, flashbacks started from the times I was there with Grace. They were so vivid that I could feel them. I felt her touch as we walked out of the bar that first night. I heard her gasp as I pushed her against the brick outside and kissed her for the first time. I remembered my shock when she admitted that she could only think about kissing me. I wanted it to be her here with me. I wanted to sweep her onto the dance floor and feel her body against mine. I wanted to kiss her as if we were the only two people in the room. I wanted to take her home and make love to her all night.

  She wasn’t here though. It was just me, Leah, and my broken heart. There was also tons of alcohol and enough single, desperate lesbians to have my choice of who to take home. “What’s the game plan, boss?” Leah asked, interrupting my thoughts.

  “Well, I figured we could start the night out with some tequila shots.”

  Leah made a face at my request. “So, it’s that kind of night? Ok. Let’s do it.”

  It certainly was that kind of night and before long, I could feel the effects of the alcohol buzzing through my body. Leah and I made our way to the dance floor and danced close as she started pointing girls out to me. I came up with reasons not to approach any of them - too gay, too straight, too short, too tall, too brunette, too blonde - the excuses were endless. Finally, Leah threw up her hands in frustration. “Do you actually want to do this or not?! Because I am more than fine with going to get pizza and calling it a night.”

  “Of course I want to do this. I’m Kinsley Freaking Scott.” Yes I was. I could totally do this. I quickly scanned the bar and made a beeline for the first girl I made eye contact with. I couldn’t even tell you what her hair color was or how tall she was. I was on a mission and nothing else mattered. Once I was close enough, I reached out and placed a hand lightly on her hip. “Dance with me?” It was somewhere between a question and a demand and certainly not my best plan, but it worked. Soon, she was pressed up against me, and I could feel myself becoming turned on. I watched as her auburn hair swept across her back, and when she turned to face me, I stared right into those green eyes and counted the freckles on her face. Only her eyes weren’t green and there were no freckles adorning her face, at least not any I could see in the dark club. Her short blonde bob certainly hadn’t been grazing her back just a moment ago. I slowly backed away as if I had just seen a ghost, bumping into a few people along the way, which earned me some glares. “I’m sorry. I can’t do this,” I muttered. I made my way out of the club as quickly as possible and took deep breaths as I leaned against the cold brick wall.

  “What’s going on?” a worried Leah inquired. She took my face in her hands and stared right into my eyes. “Kinsley, talk to me.”

  And just like that, the water works started. Like a drunken idiot, I broke into tears right in the middle of the Philadelphia gayborhood. I was acting like every drunk girl I had ever made fun of, but I couldn’t bring myself to care. Leah threw an arm around my waist and started to walk with me. I didn’t know if it was the alcohol or exhaustion from carrying so many pent up emotions, but I had to lean on her to stay upright. She slowly guided me all the way back to our place, and once we were back home, sat me down on the couch. She ran into the kitchen and emerged a minute later with a big glass of water. I sipped it slowly as she rubbed my back. After a few minutes the tears had finally subsided, for the most part at least. I was starting to think I had busted open some damn tear gland and would spend the rest of my life with some amount of liquid leaking from my eyes at all time.

  Leah continued to run her hand over my back as she spoke softly. “Is this about Grace?”

  I took another large sip of water. “Of course it is.”

  “You like her, don’t you?”

  I shook my head in response. “No Leah. I don’t like her. I… I love her.” I couldn’t believe that I had just admitted that out loud. I hadn’t even fully admitted it to myself yet.

  A subtle, yet apparent, smirk entered onto Leah’s face. “This is a good thing, Kins. You need to tell her.”

  I huffed. If only it were that easy. “She’s with Becky right now, Leah. They are trying to work things out.”

  “Don’t play dumb. You know perfectly well that if Grace knew you wanted to be with her, she wouldn’t even be giving Becky a second thought.”

  “That’s exactly why she can’t know,” I warned.

  Leah tipped her head to one side. “I’m going to need you to elaborate please.”

  “Grace deserves to be with someone who is better than me.”

  “And you think that person is the girl who cheated on her?”

  I shrugged my shoulders. “They have history. Becky lives in Leah’s town. She already knows her family. I didn’t even know that Grace had siblings before Becky mentioned her niece.”

  “She has an older sister and a younger brother. She only has the one niece. She’s five. Now you know,” Leah answered nonchalantly.

  “That’s not my point,” I groaned. “The point is that I didn’t even have the decency to find that out in the time we were hooking up. I’m not a good person Leah. I have hurt so many people that I care about because I can’t get past my own insecurities. I couldn’t stand the thought of hurting Grace.”

  “Here’s an idea dork. Don’t hurt her.”

  “I wouldn’t do it on purpose. I just don’t even think I know how to do an adult relationship. Becky wants to give her a house. She’s ready to settle down and make a plan for life. I don’t even like planning out what I’m going to eat the next day.”

  “I just think…”

  I put my hand up before she could continue. “Just drop it, Leah. It’s over. Time to move on.”

  Except I wasn’t ready to move on. I laid in bed, staring at Grace’s contact information in my phone, wondering if I should say screw it and just call her. When I woke up the next day to a spinning room and a massive headache, I found out that drunk Kinsley had other ideas. My eyes went wide as I studied the messages I had sent to Grace.

  11:27 PM: Sorry I’m an ass

  11:56 PM: Lenny misses you

  12:02 AM: So do I

  12:57 AM: Sorry I never asked about your family

  1:23 AM: I hope your dreams come true

  1:32 AM: And that we can still be friends

  1:55 AM: Welp...Gonna puke...NIGHT

  Seriously, Kinsley? What was wrong with me? At least I didn’t drop the L bomb over text. Although, I did tell Leah. Great. I would never hear the end of this. I stared down at my phone again. It was now just after 9, and I hadn’t gotten a reply to my late night rant. I was about to put my phone away when a new text message came through. As I read it, more followed.

  9:07 AM: Hey Kinsley. I hope you’re feeling ok after last night. Make sure you drink a lot of water.

  9:10 AM: Also...Don’t worry about it. All is forgiven.

  9:13 AM: I’ll always be your friend.

  As I read the last text, I could feel tears hitting my face again. Damn tear gland. Sure, I had said the word friend first, but I wasn’t sure how I was actually going to be Grace’s friend. How was I supposed to listen to her go on about her wonderful weekend at home and help her move back out and watch her start a new life with someone else? The answer was simple. I couldn’t do it. I had to get away. I knew exactly what to do. I was going to run back to the place and people that I ran away from to begin with.

  Chapter 22: Grace

  To say that I was surprised to wake up t
o a string of texts from Kinsley would be an understatement. Clearly she was drunk, but it was strange that her nightcap activities involved texting me. I read back over the texts for probably the hundredth time. I had woken about an hour ago and still hadn’t figured out the right response. I decided to keep it light. There was no reason to spill my heart to a girl who was about to wake up with a massive hangover. Plus, Kinsley had said that she wanted to be friends. She had made it perfectly clear that she didn’t want anything more from me than that. I finally sent back three texts explaining that I forgave her and would always be her friend. I couldn’t imagine not having Kinsley in my life, so if friendship was my only option, I would take it.

  I sat my phone back on the nightstand just in time to feel Becky stirring beside me. My first night back here had certainly been interesting. The apartment looked exactly as it had when I moved out, sans the items that I had taken with me. All of the pictures of Becky and I were back on display. I had to assume that was a recent addition in the past few weeks. I had arrived to find that Becky had made chicken parmigiana and spaghetti with the homemade sauce that I always loved. We then watched a movie and went to bed. I was hesitant to share a bed with Becky, feeling like I was somehow cheating on Kinsley. I had to remind myself that we weren’t together and weren’t ever going to be. Becky naturally spooned me from behind as this had been how we always fell asleep. It was comfortable being snuggled up against her. I liked the safe feeling of being close to someone. Granted, it didn’t compare to having Kinsley’s strong arms wrapped around me. I scolded myself for having these thoughts as Becky opened her eyes and smiled over at me.

  “Good morning,” she yawned. “I guess we should get up. I made an appointment to see that house before lunch.”

  Within an hour, we were walking into the house that I had admired from the outside for years. It was much less of a fixer upper than it had been. The previous owner did a lot of work on it, but I could still find plenty of changes to make. “It looks like there are a lot fun projects for us here, huh?” Becky asked, reading my mind. I just nodded in response, continuing to take in my surroundings. Becky’s smile grew as she pointed to my glasses. “Since we’re going to be doing so much manual labor, maybe we can finally get you in some contacts.”

  “I like my glasses,” I pouted. “Some people may even call them sexy.” My mind flashed to Kinsley once again.

  “You’re adorable darling, but I don’t think anyone would call those glasses sexy,” Becky snickered. “Anyway, shall we go? We have lunch plans.”

  I lifted an eyebrow as we walked toward the car. “Lunch plans?”

  “Yes! With Kim Schulman.”

  The principal? “Kim Schulman as in Principal Schulman?”

  Becky looked at me as though I was crazy. “Obviously, silly. How many other Kim Schulman’s do you know? She was very excited when she heard that you were most likely coming back to town and are interested in the teaching position.”

  I wanted to point out that none of this was a definite, but I decided to keep it to myself. Things were going well, so I didn’t see any reason to stir the pot at this point. As soon as we made it inside the restaurant, Principal Schulman wrapped me in a big hug. “Honey, it’s so good to see you. We all knew you wouldn’t be able to stay away for long. I was sad to hear that Jamie would be leaving, but we are excited to possibly have you back in the elementary school.”

  Of course it was Jamie’s job that I was taking. Apparently, Becky had run her out of town too. I tried not to think about this as I smiled over at Principal Schulman. “Nothing has been decided for sure yet, but if I do end up back here, that second grade position would be a dream for me.”

  After lunch, Becky suggested that we take a walk down by the river. After walking for a bit, she stopped and smiled over at me, taking my hands in hers. “Do you remember this spot?”

  As I looked around us, my memories flashed back to that day about four years prior. Coming back to this spot used to make butterflies take flight in my stomach. Today the memories made me smile, but the feelings were long gone. “Of course I remember,” I finally spoke. “This is where we first said ‘I love you.’”

  Becky squeezed my hands, then let go and playfully poked me in the side. “I still can’t believe that I had to be the first to say it.”

  I shrugged my shoulders. “I was nervous. I obviously felt it. I mean, I said it right back.”

  Becky’s face became serious and she turned her head slightly. “Do you still feel it?”

  I finally did get a feeling in my stomach, but this was more of a pit than butterflies. “I’ll always care about you, Becky, but I’m sorry. I’m not in love with you anymore.”

  Becky’s face dropped for only a moment before she was smiling again. “Well, that’s OK. We can get there! No matter how long it takes, I will wait for you. And even if you don’t get back to that point, would it really be so bad? I mean, we can still be happy and have all of our dreams come true.”

  I simply smiled back at Becky. A year ago, all of my dreams seemed so clear. Now I wasn’t so sure what it was that I wanted. Well, I was sure of one thing, but that particular thing wasn’t happening.

  Later that night, Becky and I went to my parents’ house for family dinner. My family was cordial to her, but they were far from warm. I tried to ignore this since it was nice to have this time with them again. As Becky and I did the dishes, my mom walked up behind me and laid a hand on my back. “Honey, I was wondering if it was possible for us to get lunch tomorrow, just the two of us.”

  “I think that’s a wonderful idea, Mrs. Harper,” Becky answered before I could. “You guys could even turn it into a weekly tradition once Grace moves back home.”

  Satisfied with her answer, Becky smiled and turned back toward the dishes. I could tell by the way my mom was looking at her that she probably shouldn’t be so happy about it.

  This was the same look my mom gave me when I sat across from her at lunch the next day. She sighed and reached for my hand. “I’m not going to waste time with small talk. What’s going on, Grace? Don’t get me wrong. I’m so happy to have you home, but why are you suddenly back playing house with Becky as if you two never broke up?”

  I stared down at the table. “We’re just giving it another try.”

  My mom put her hand underneath my chin, forcing me to look up at her. “And what happened to Kinsley?”

  I was confused by her question. I had barely shared anything about Kinsley with her. I had mentioned that she was Leah’s roommate and that we had become friends, and I told her about my visit to Kinsley’s hometown, but aside from that, I had kept the details of our relationship from my mom. “Kinsley and I were never in a relationship, and it’s become pretty obvious that there is no chance of that ever happening in the future,” I answered truthfully.

  “Hmm…” my mom muttered, in that mom way that told me she wasn’t buying a word I was saying. “That’s too bad. Pam and I could have sworn that you two were endgame.”

  Pam? I had only ever met one Pam in my entire life and that was Kinsley’s mom. To say that I was confused would be an understatement. “OK. I have so many questions right now. The first one being how you know the term endgame.”

  My mom laughed as if this was a silly question. “Oh honey.. you used to put those little things on your tumble blog thingy. Those stories. What did you call them? Fan fictions? You always talked about how the characters in them were endgame.”

  My mother not only looked at my Tumblr, but also read my fanfiction? Well, that’s rich. “OK. I’m not even going to comment on that right now. I have too many other questions. Like how did you and Mrs. Scott somehow decide that Kinsley and I were endgame during your five minute conversation?”

  My mom laughed even harder now. “Don’t be silly, sweetie. Obviously we didn’t decide that during a five minute conversation. That would just be crazy. I asked for her phone number during that conversation, and we came to that conclusion durin
g one of our nightly chats.”

  What… the… “You’re telling me that you have been talking to Kinsley’s mom ever since my visit a few weeks ago?”

  “Yes. Is that a problem?” She asked the question so nonchalantly, as if your mother becoming besties with the mother of the girl that you had essentially been friends with benefits with, was the most normal occurrence in the world.

  “I mean… I guess not,” I mumbled. “It’s just surprising.”

  “Pam and I understand each other. We are both small town mamas who love our daughters, but have struggled to come to terms with our daughters being gay.”

  I rubbed my hands over my temples. “Let me get this straight. You guys went from talking about your struggles with having gay daughters to deciding that your gay daughters should be together forever?”

  My mom pulled my hands away from my head and smiled at me. “We just think that you guys are good together.”

  Who was this lady, and what had she done with my mother? She had been accepting of my relationship with Becky, but she was certainly never overly excited about it. She definitely didn’t have extensive conversations with her mother about how we were meant to be. “Mom, you’ve never even met Kinsley,” I pointed out, stating the obvious.

  She again laughed at my words as if I was being silly. “I haven’t, but Pam has told me all about the way you two interact. I think that lady adores you almost as much as her daughter does. I can tell that you really like her too. I might even dare to use another ‘L’ word.” She smirked while lifting one eyebrow.

  I could feel my face turning red from her words. I’m not sure what was affecting me more: the fact that my mom mentioned both Kinsley and her mom adoring me, or the way she was able to figure out how I was feeling. “How could you know that, mom? You’ve barely even heard me talk about Kinsley,” I argued.

  “Seriously, honey? You found a way to bring up Kinsley in every single conversation we had this summer.” I thought back on our conversations and realized that she did have a point, but none of that really mattered anymore.