Sunsets and Shades

by Erica Lee

  “It doesn’t matter how I feel, mom. Kinsley doesn’t want me.” I tried my best to keep my voice level as I said these words so my mom wouldn’t realize how much it was killing me that this was the case.

  “Well, I really doubt that’s true. But regardless, why get back with Becky when your heart is clearly somewhere else?”

  I let out a frustrated sigh. Apparently she wasn’t going to let this drop. “Becky and I have a past, mom. She was the first girl I ever fell in love with. I really thought that we were going to be together forever and now I’m getting that chance.”

  “Yet you’re talking about forever as if it’s a death sentence, rather than a destiny.”

  “I’m almost 29 years old mom. I’m ready to settle down. I can have that with Becky.”

  My mom studied me for a moment before speaking again. “Do you remember what you said after you came out to me?”

  “Don’t blame the liberal media?”

  “Probably, but that’s not what I’m referring to,” my mom chuckled. “After you told me, I was obviously having a tough time, and I stupidly asked if you would consider being with a guy just to make things easier on everyone. I’ll never forget what you told me. You said, ‘Mom, I could probably live a happy, comfortable life with a guy, and it would be just fine. But I don’t want a fine life. I want the kind of life that they write fairy tales and romance novels about. I refuse to settle.’ I guess I’m just wondering what happened to that girl.”

  It took everything in me to keep myself from crying. That girl got cheated on and thought that she would never move on. Then she met someone who not only put her heart back together, but also caused her to feel more than she ever had before, only to have that person also decide that she wasn’t good enough. “She doesn’t want me, mom.” This time a few tears did fall from my eyes.

  My mom moved from her seat and sat down beside me, pulling me in close to her. “Whether you end up with Kinsley or not, I still think you should be careful about jumping back into things with Becky.”

  “It’s one weekend mom. I haven’t decided anything yet.”

  “Just promise me that you won’t settle. I want you to get your fairy tale, even if you have to wait for it.”

  Later that night, I was determined to make myself feel more for Becky. My mom was right. I didn’t want to settle, but I was still hoping that I could make it work with her. As we watched a movie, I snuggled close to her on the couch. When it ended, I turned to face her, hoping that looking into her eyes would cause even the slightest flip in my stomach. As I stared into her eyes, Becky’s own eyes moved to my lips, and she slowly leaned forward. Her closeness did cause certain feelings to arise, but I wasn’t sure if it was excitement or just nerves. Her lips touched mine, and it felt nice. Connecting with someone on this level was always a good feeling. Becky ran her tongue across my lips, and I reluctantly opened my mouth to hers, and then I felt it - the longing in my gut; the hollow longing to be somewhere else, with someone else. I pulled back and shook my head. “I’m sorry, Becky. I can’t do this.”

  “This is about her, isn’t it?” I tried my best to ignore her snide tone.

  “It’s about us, Becky. When you cheated on me, I thought my life was over. Then I went to Philly, and it finally felt like I was living again. It made me realize that we had lost that spark a long time before we broke up. I mean, come on Becky, why do you think you felt the need to cheat on me? You were searching for that passion we had lost. It was a crappy way for you to go about finding it, but still. It’s not fair to either of us to keep pursuing this.”

  When Becky didn’t respond, I told her I was going to leave. She remained silent as I packed my bag up again. Once I was ready, I gave her a hug and turned to leave. “She’s never going to be with you,” Becky finally spoke. “I’ve known plenty of girls like Kinsley. She’s not going to settle down and, even if she did, it wouldn’t be with a girl like you.”

  I simply smiled at Becky in return. “I told you. This isn’t about Kinsley. It’s about me.” And it was about me. It was about the person I wanted to be and the new dreams I wanted to pursue. Still, as I drove, my heart beat fast in anticipation of seeing Kinsley again. I missed her so much, and even if we couldn’t be together, I still needed her in my life. As soon as I was in the apartment, I yelled her name, praying she was home. I walked into her room and was disappointed to find that she wasn’t in there. “Where is your mama, Lenny?” I asked the cage that I now noticed was empty. I walked over to his cage and searched it.

  “I’m really sorry, Grace.” Leah’s voice behind me made me jump. When I turned around, she handed me a note. “She wrote me one too, but it’s not nearly as cryptic as yours.”

  I read the words in front of me. Grace, I hope your future holds everything you wish for. I’m so sorry I can’t be part of it. I meant everything I said. - Kinsley.

  Leah put a hand on my shoulder. “According to my note, she needed to spend some time back in her hometown with her family. I honestly have no clue what your note means, and I’m sorry.” She didn’t have to know. I knew exactly what it meant, and I wasn’t sure if my heart could handle it.

  Chapter 23: Kinsley

  I was awoken Monday morning to the sound of loud knocking on my bedroom door. Before I could even bring myself to open my eyes, my mom came in. Much to my dismay, she tore the covers right off of me.

  “Seriously, Mom?” I groaned. “What if I had been naked?”

  She simply waved one hand at me. “I’m your mother. It’s not like it would be anything I haven’t seen before. Now get up. We need to talk.”

  “Talk?” That wasn’t a word that I had heard from my mom much growing up. We usually just avoided the important topics until they went away.

  “Yes. Talk. Something we should have done a long time ago. Listen, I’m so happy to have you home, and the fact that you brought Lenny tells me you’re planning to stay for awhile, but I’m worried about you. You’ve never been one to run toward things, only away from them. So, tell me. Does this have to do with Grace?”

  “Of course not. Why would this have anything to do with Grace?” I lied.

  “Sweetheart, I saw the way you two acted around each other. I know she wasn’t just your friend.”

  “It doesn’t matter what she was,” I sighed. “It’s over now.”

  “Why is it over?” my mom pushed.

  “She is getting back with her ex, and that’s that,” I answered as casually as possible.

  My mom sat down on my bed next to me and leaned her back against the headboard. “I find that awfully strange since that girl was clearly smitten with you. Why would she go back to her ex?”

  “Because I told her to, OK?” I snapped. “Can we just drop it?”

  My mom shook her head. “That’s the thing. I can’t just drop it this time. I failed you way too many times by not talking to you. I’m not doing that again. So, tell me why you would tell her to go back with her ex when you clearly want to be with her.”

  “She deserves better than me. I’ve made a lot of mistakes and hurt a lot of people. I’ve let down the most important people in my life.”

  “Oh sweetheart. Did you ever think that maybe they let you down? Your grandma seemed to think that was the case.”

  I sat up at the mention of my grandma. “What do you mean?”

  “After you went away to college and never came back to visit, she blamed your father and I. She said we should have done a better job of showing that we accepted you, and she was right.”

  “But you didn’t know that you had anything to accept.”

  “Oh come on. Of course we did. We just refused to see it. You chose a random college in Wisconsin without even visiting it, and then spent all of your time with your roommate until suddenly you didn’t.” She took my hand in hers and squeezed it. “I truly am sorry that I let you down.”

  I shrugged in response. “We let each other down. At least you and I can make it up to each other.
I’ll never get that chance with grandma.” I could feel the tears coming now, and there was no way I was going to stop them.

  I leaned into my mom as she held me close. “Oh, honey. You never let your grandma down. All she ever wanted was for you to be happy. She was so proud of you, and I know she would be even more proud today.” She paused for a moment, then added, “And now that we’ve established that, I think it’s time for you to win your girl back.”

  I wiped the tears from my eyes and chuckled a bit. “I don’t think so mom. I think I need to call it a loss and try to move on. I’ve never been one for big romantic gestures. I just can’t do it.”

  My mom stood from the bed and reached down to squeeze my shoulder. “Have you ever thought that maybe Grace doesn’t want the big romantic gesture? Maybe she just wants you.” She turned to walk away, but turned back after a few steps. “Just think about it‍,” she said with a wink.

  I did think about it. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Long after my mom left, I laid in bed still thinking about our talk. It hadn’t been easy to talk about all of that, but it felt good to finally have it off my chest. It seemed like I had turned over a new leaf, and I knew it was time for a change, whether that change brought me Grace or not. I wanted to be the person that Grace deserved, but all she had ever asked was for me to be myself. That’s when it hit me. I knew exactly what I needed to do. I grabbed my phone, then heard another knock on my door. “Honey, I’m going to do some volunteer work at the library,” my mom shouted from the other side. “I need you to get out of bed so you can lock the door when I leave.”

  I groaned, but hopped out of bed. “Seriously, mom? I don’t even lock the door to my apartment in Philly all the time. What do you think is going to happen?”

  When I opened my bedroom door, she was still standing on the other side. “You can never be too safe,” she said in a sing song voice. I rolled my eyes and followed her to the front door, locking it as soon as she was outside, knowing very well that she would be listening for the sound.

  I sat down on the couch and pulled my phone back out, pausing for just a moment before opening the Twitter app. I hit the button for a new tweet, then began typing, hoping and praying that Grace still had her notifications turned on for Laurel Lake.

  Warning: Long thread coming. To all of my loyal fans - I think it’s about time that I owe you all the truth. I’ve been a fraud. I write romance novels, but for many years now I have hated love. All of my posts talking about finding true love were a hoax - at least I thought they were. I’m still not a firm believer in happily ever afters (I’m not naive enough to believe that love can somehow keep bad things from happening...sorry) and I’ll never be a hopeless romantic, but I have learned that we can all experience our great love story. I should know because I recently experienced mine. My only hope is that I didn’t realize it too late. Grace - If you’re reading this, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I pushed you away. I’m sorry I acted like I didn’t care. I’m sorry for all of the times I was a complete asshole and for the countless times I’m sure I’ll be an asshole in the future if given the chance. I never expected to feel this way. I never knew a heart like mine could fall for a heart like yours. You are like the shades to my sunset. You protect me even when I think I don’t need it. I’ve been fighting this ever since I met you, but I don’t want to fight it anymore. I love you Grace and I’m begging you that if there is any chance that you feel the same way, please don’t give up on me. I’m finally ready.

  I threw my phone on the couch and walked away from it. I wasn’t ready to see what kind of response I would get. I had no idea what my readers would think about that post, and I certainly didn’t know how Grace would react. Was it too late? Did she even feel the same way? I walked into the kitchen and poured myself a glass of water, hoping it would somehow dampen my anxiety. I was about to take a sip when I heard the doorbell ring. I rolled my eyes as I walked over to answer it.

  “Mom, did you forget your keys again? I told you it was stupid to...”

  I lost all train of thought when I opened the door and found Grace standing there. Her hair was pulled into a loose ponytail and she adjusted her glasses as she looked up at me with those big green eyes; those beautiful eyes. I wanted to say something, but words were escaping me. Luckily, I didn’t have to be the one to speak.

  “I love you too.” Grace’s words hit me so hard that I thought I might have to grab onto something to stay upright.

  “Y-You do?”

  Grace reached out and ran a finger along my cheek. “Of course I do, Kinsley. You’re...” She paused and let out a contented sigh. “You’re everything.”

  I couldn’t believe what was happening. The girl that I had somehow fallen in love with was standing in front of me telling me that she loved me too. Something didn’t add up though. “Wait. I wrote that tweet like five minutes ago. How are you here already?”

  A look of confusion took over Grace’s face. “Tweet? What tweet?”

  What was going on here? Leah. Damnit. “She told you, didn’t she?”

  Grace just laughed at my confusion. “Kinsley, no one told me anything. I figured it out on my own.”

  “But how?”

  More laughter. “You’re not so hard to figure out, Kinsley Scott. You ran away. As soon as I saw the note, I knew you felt the same. You only run away when you care way too much.” Her face became serious, and she pushed a finger into my chest. “But just for the record, that ends now.”

  I directed her arms around my neck and placed my hands on her hips. “I’m not going anywhere.” Without hesitation, I pulled her in closer to me and used my mouth to make all of the promises I couldn’t say out loud.

  After a few minutes, Grace pulled back and rested her forehead against mine. “I believe you said something about a tweet.”

  She pulled back completely and reached into her purse, retrieving her phone and unlocking it to read the words I had written. I held my breath as her eyes scanned the screen. When she finally looked up, she had tears in her eyes. “Kinsley... that was... Ugh.” Instead of continuing, she pulled me close again and began placing kisses along my jawline and then my neck.

  “Grace, I meant every word. I want it all with you. I want to learn everything about you. I wanna meet your family. I want to be part of your forever. I’m never going to be someone who makes big romantic gestures, and I know that I’m going to mess this up a bunch of times. It won’t be perfect, but I’ll always fight for you. I just...”

  Grace stopped kissing me to look up at me. “Are your parents home?”

  “No. My dad is at the shop, and my mom is volunteering at the library.”

  Grace’s smile became a smirk. “This is probably one of the only times you’re going to hear me say this, but I really need you to stop talking.”

  “Oh? Oh!” I wiggled my eyebrows and scooped Grace up in my arms, carrying her into the house and toward our future.

  Epilogue: Kinsley

  “I’ll get it,” I shouted, hopping off of the couch to run to the door. “Thanks Frank!” I beamed. I grabbed the pizza and sat it on our coffee table.

  Grace walked into the room and grabbed a plain slice of pizza from the box that was half plain, half meat lovers supreme. “Was that Frank?” she asked. “He’s my favorite.”

  I watched as my girlfriend of two years flopped down on the couch and motioned for me to come join her. It’s crazy how much can change while also staying exactly the same. Just a few months after Grace and I became official, Leah announced that she was going to move out of our apartment, which ended up coinciding perfectly with a job offer Grace had received for a third grade teaching position. The job was in a town about 30 minutes outside of the city and after moving there, Grace and I quickly agreed that we both preferred suburban living to city life and small towns.

  “Shall we take a selfie for the gram?” I asked, as I leaned close to Grace and held up my phone. It turns out the Laurel Lake Twitter confession had only made
me more popular, and my fans loved seeing pictures of Grace and I together, so I tried to give them what they wanted.

  Grace laughed as she looked at my post. “You would make that the caption,” she teased.

  I tore my phone away from her in mock offense. “Hey! Sunset and shades is kind of our thing now. It expresses all of the feelings that are hidden deep within my heart,” I answered sarcastically.

  Grace shook her head at me. “I should have never admitted that to you.” After I referred to that phrase in my big twitter confession, Grace had told me that, when she had written that caption on our first photo together, there were a million other things she wanted to say instead. She had specifically said she had wanted to ‘express all of the feelings that were hidden deep within her heart’ at that time, but decided to go with that so she didn’t scare me away. Now I used it as a way to get out of saying anything overly romantic.

  When she continued to pout, I leaned in and kissed her. “You know I love you.”

  “Why don’t you show me just how much you love me?” Grace asked as she wrapped her arms around my neck and pulled me on top of her. Any other time I would have graciously accepted this offer. In our two years together, the sex was one thing that hadn’t changed at all, unless you counted the fact that it somehow just kept getting better. But I had other plans tonight.

  “Can’t right now,” I answered, pushing Grace off of me. “It’s game night. Time for me to beat you at Scattergories.”

  Grace groaned. “Really? First of all, you’ve never once beaten me at Scattergories and as much as I love winning all of the time, do we really have to play that tonight? We always fight when we play, plus I feel like we have all the cards memorized at this point.”