Rise of the Evil Army!

by Todd H. Doodler

  Then he commanded, “To the diaper!” And the Dungs rushed to keep up with their super-bossy boss.

  Jeremy’s Jitters

  Back in the evil side of the diaper, Cornelius sulked. “So much for causing those disgusting ‘pest buddies’ to fight—or getting Elle to fall for false friendship.”

  Dee shrugged. “You did your best.”

  Doo added, “You almost crushed an ant with one of those soda bottles.”

  “Yeah,” Dee hastily agreed. “And everybug was disappointed about the contest.”

  Doo sighed. “I was hoping we’d win!”

  Cornelius punched the wall in frustration. But, of course, it was so cottony-soft his super fist tore through it with ease.

  The Dungs cowered in the corner, afraid of becoming Crazy Cockroach’s next target.

  Instead, the villain bounced a Ping-Pong ball across the table, then raced to bounce it back to himself, and so on until both Dungs felt dizzy.

  Finally, Cornelius fell back down onto the couch, exhausted. “Maybe we need to bully weaker bugs to work out some of the kinks,” he mused. “Then we’ll come up with a better way to get Super Fly.”

  The Dungs quickly agreed. They liked any plan that didn’t involve Crazy Cockroach punching them.

  “Yeah, tomorrow’s another day,” Dee pointed out.

  “And those three superbugs aren’t the only victims at Brown Barge,” Doo added.

  Cornelius sighed. “You sound like the introduction to Bullying for Dummies.”

  Dee grinned. “Really?”

  Doo smiled too. “No one ever said I sounded like a book before.”

  Cornelius turned away and wrote on his Top Secret To-Do List: Find smarter henchbugs.

  The next morning, Eugene, Elle, and Fred saw a new bug on the bus. She was a tall, pretty wasp who stung six bugs before they even reached the next stop.

  “Ow!”

  “Ow!”

  “Hey!”

  “Ouch!”

  “What the . . .”

  “YIKES!”

  “Who are you?” Adam Aphid asked.

  “Hoops Hornet,” she replied. “Probably the best bugsketball player you’ll ever meet. Definitely the toughest.”

  Eugene nudged Fred and whispered, “Wow! She’s even meaner than Cornelius!”

  Adam said, “Hoops, huh. Is that because you love bugsketball, or is that your real name?”

  The tall hornet laughed. “Well it’s not because I like hula hoops.” Then she sternly answered, “Both.”

  Then her eyes narrowed as she caught Fred staring at her. Hoops stared back and wouldn’t stop. The stare turned into a glare that gave the poor flea goose bumps. Goose bumps on a flea are like mumps on a person. Fred felt bad!

  Hoops went on to spread misery for the rest of the day. In science lab, the tough hornet seemed very smart, but also mean. When Willie Weevil called her “Poops,” Hoops stuck his head in a beaker and held it over a Bunsen burner until he cried uncle.

  Eugene said, “Please excuse Willie. He thinks he’s a witty weevil, and he’s really just lame. Most Brown Barge students aren’t so rude to new bugs.”

  Hoops shrugged. “Who cares? I can hold my own.”

  Eugene backed away, fearing that his ferocious new classmate might decide to put his head in a beaker and turn the burner up to high.

  That should’ve been enough excitement for one day. Instead, right in the middle of the math lesson, the strangest thing happened: Jeremy Cricket snapped!

  First he started mumbling to himself about hundreds too many larvae in the nest and not enough grass to go around.

  Then the substitute teacher, Miss Spider, looked concerned. “Jeremy, please raise your . . .”

  Jeremy didn’t even notice her. His voice just grew louder and louder, and the sentences stopped making sense. Single words rose out of a sea of angry sounds: siblings, homework, bullies, bicycle, noise, pressure, math, and chores.

  Miss Spider tried again. “Jeremy Cricket, you know better than to talk without raising your . . .”

  Jeremy raised his arms, but not to ask permission to speak. He used them to turn over his desk! BANG!

  Then the furious cricket ate his pencil. He threw his glasses against the wall and emptied out his backpack on the floor.

  And when Miss Spider tried to lead him toward the door, he started to arm wrestle with her! It’s never a good idea to arm wrestle someone with eight arms.

  Miss Spider soon had poor Jeremy wrapped up in a tidy silk package bound for Principal Praying Mantis’s office. Then she quickly returned to Mrs. Tiger Moth’s lesson plan.

  But everyone in the class felt a bit freaked out, including Eugene and Fred. While they waited for the final bell to ring, the superbugs mused upon the strange incident.

  So did Cornelius C. Roach. The villain wondered what would make a decent bug like Jeremy go all buggy. He decided to find Jeremy and ask.

  At first, Eugene suspected foul play, mostly because that would give Super Fly a chance to do some detective work. But after reviewing the events in his mind, Eugene concluded, “The poor cricket was probably exhausted, maybe stressed out from drama at home, or just picked on once too often.”

  Fred agreed.

  So while Cornelius looked for Jeremy, the heroes simply boarded the bus for home.

  The roach found the now-subdued cricket leaving the principal’s office. The secretary, Mrs. Mosca, gave Jeremy a tissue to blow his nose. Chubby Mrs. Mosca patted his shoulder and reassured him, “Everything will be fine. You’ll see. And if it isn’t, you can always stop by and talk. Mr. Mantis’s door is always open. I’m here too.”

  Mrs. Mosca buzzed with surprise as a smiling Cornelius approached Jeremy. She hoped the bully wouldn’t tease the already stressed-out cricket.

  She felt relieved when Cornelius asked, “Are you okay?”

  Jeremy nodded. But he also felt confused by the cockroach’s friendly manner.

  “Are you sure?” Cornelius went on in a gentle tone. “I’ve never seen you act like that before.”

  Jeremy would’ve blushed if his ichor wasn’t clear. As it was, the embarrassed cricket looked down at the floor. “Yeah, well, there’s a lot going on at home right now. Hundreds of new siblings just hatched. And last week my bicycle was stolen, so I haven’t been able to go riding, which is my favorite way to just forget everything and relax.”

  Cornelius chuckled to himself. Dee and Doo had stolen that bike under his direction. Not that they needed it, but hey, you can’t call yourself a super villain without doing mean things.

  Jeremy’s antennae drooped as he droned on, “The construction project near our house is so noisy I haven’t been getting much sleep. So my nerves are totally frayed.”

  The cricket looked at the roach nervously. Why was Cornelius even talking to him? Usually the bully just started punching or giving him wedgies. Instead, he wore the mask of a caring friend.

  “That’s too bad,” Cornelius said gently.

  Jeremy sighed. “I guess I lost control for a minute there. I just wanted to tear the world apart! I’m really sorry. That’s not like me at all.”

  Cornelius nodded. “Of course not.” Then he muttered to himself, “Stress and pressure add up to . . . a good bug gone bad!”

  Cornelius’s 9,000-times-enhanced intellect raced with theories. If circumstance could create a crazed cricket, could Crazy Cockroach somehow simulate those same forces . . . ? Surely he could make the brains of normal bugs go where Jeremy’s brain went when he flipped out.

  If that annoying fly Eugene could invent a piece of pie capable of creating superpowers, the world’s smartest roach could surely create a chemical compound, a microwave signal, or something that would reproduce the Jeremy effect, until every bug in school became a bad bug.

  Cornelius’s spine tingled with evil excitement. Why stop at Brown Barge? Every bug in Stinkopolis would be susceptible, every bug in the world! Billions and billions and billions of bugs!r />
  If Super Fly hadn’t stopped him, Crazy Cockroach’s video-game mind-control plan would’ve worked. But since most adults don’t play video games, his victory would’ve been limited.

  The roach’s 9,000-times-enhanced brain danced an evil mental jig. Once discovered, the Jeremy Effect would allow the super villain to achieve ultimate victory: Control over every bug on Earth!

  Vicious Bugs

  Meanwhile, on the good side of the diaper, Eugene and Fred discussed Jeremy’s outburst over a game of Sewer Invaders. The heroes’ hangout didn’t have a Ping-Pong table or mini fridge, kind of a sore point.

  Fred caught an alligator in an electronic loop. “Do you think something like that could happen to us?”

  Eugene kept his eyes on the screen. He didn’t like to think about Fred’s recent defection. Had his friend gone all . . . Jeremy? Changing his name to Furious Flea, doing all kinds of evil stuff with that Fiona. And hanging out with Cornelius and the Dungs!

  Fred waited for an answer. “Well?”

  Eugene blustered. “Nah. You heard Jeremy’s rant. We don’t have any bullies troubling us, nothing wrong with our siblings.”

  Fred agreed. “Elle’s great. And everything’s okay with the Flea family these days.”

  “We’re getting enough sleep, doing well in school, eating right, exercising, and not overworking,” Eugene added. “So nah, I don’t think we’ll be flipping out like Jeremy . . .” His voice trailed off as the game became more exciting. “Unless we let these alligators take over the sewers!”

  By the next morning the super friends had put the strange incident out of their minds. Eugene and Fred expected a normal day at Brown Barge Elementary School.

  But they hadn’t even made it halfway down the hall when Ted Tarantula and Sid Spider suddenly pounced on the super buddies! Even with 9,000-times-enhanced strength, Super Fly and Fantastic Flea felt the barrage of blows delivered by sixteen furious feet.

  Eugene shouted, “Hey, Ted! Stop that!”

  Fred cried, “Sid! What’re you doing?”

  Eugene looked in Ted’s eyes. They were wild with anger!

  Sid snapped his jaws right near Fred’s face. The super flea jumped out of the bully’s grasp. Without his superpowers, the attack would’ve been disastrous!

  Fred exclaimed, “Sid, that was vicious!”

  Ted and Sid weren’t the nicest spiders at Brown Barge. In fact, they were always kind of nasty. But this savage attack took their nasty to a whole new level.

  Instead of backing off, the two crazed spiders grabbed Fred and Eugene and stuffed them upside down in trash cans. Both struggled not to expose their superpowers.

  Eugene rocked his can over so he could crawl out. His eyeglasses sat crookedly on his face. His antennae were dented.

  Lucy Kaboosie cried, “Ted! That was so mean!”

  Fred’s back legs kicked helplessly. Lucy and Elle gently lowered his trash can to the floor. Fred backed out and brushed himself off.

  Eugene straightened his glasses and stretched the dents out of his antennae. “That was weird!”

  Fred looked thoughtful. “As weird as Jeremy’s outburst yesterday.”

  Elle asked, “Coincidence?”

  Eugene shook his head. “I don’t think so. But that’s about all I know.” Eugene cleaned his eyeglasses. “Let’s keep our eyes open and see what we can find out.”

  Elle nodded. “All facets.”

  Fred pointed down the hall. Sid and Ted had turned over every trash can, spilling garbage all over the halls.

  When the janitor told them to pick up the trash, Sid grabbed his broom and hit him over the head.

  That’s when everyone started calling the vicious spider Sid Vicious. Ted didn’t earn a new nickname, unless you count, “Oh no! It’s Ted!”

  Eugene and Fred resolved to stick together and keep a careful watch on Elle.

  “We can’t reveal our superpowers!” Eugene whispered urgently.

  Fred and Elle agreed. Maintaining a secret identity was vital to all superheroes. Without it, their nearest and dearest would become targets. Bad guys seek revenge!

  Elle saw an orange spot on Eugene’s shirt. She licked her feeler and rubbed at it, the way Mom did when she saw a stain but wasn’t near a sink.

  Eugene sighed. Then he looked puzzled. “I didn’t have orange juice this morning. When did that stain appear?”

  Elle rubbed her feeler on the stain, and then she licked it again. She tilted her head. “That’s not orange juice.”

  Fred pointed to his shirt. “There’s a spot—no, two—on mine.”

  Eugene smiled. “Don’t wash your shirt. We’ll test it in my lab after school.”

  Super Fly was right to suspect the orange drops had something to do with Ted and Sid turning vicious. Crazy Cockroach had concocted the orange potion and given it to the nasty spiders just before their hallway rampage.

  Ted and Sid didn’t question the juice boxes. Cornelius was always giving things away, like video games. Oh yeah, those were part of a mind-control scheme. But juice boxes . . .

  Okay, the boys weren’t the brightest spiders in their mothers’ egg sacks. They were thirsty. The juice tasted great. And the next thing they knew, they were running wild!

  The cockroach’s formula made brain cells fire at an overwhelming rate, like when Jeremy popped his top.

  Cornelius quietly experimented with several schoolmates, like Harrison Hornet, Nate Gnat, and Larry Leech. The juice seemed to darken their already somewhat nasty natures. But it didn’t have as dramatic an effect as it’d had on Ted Tarantula and Sid Spider.

  Cornelius wondered why his freak-out formula worked so fast and furious on the arachnids. Maybe their eight-legged metabolism processed it faster? The brilliant roach would have to test further.

  He soon discovered that the Jeremy Juice worked quickly on dung beetles too. Before the first bell, Doo and Dee destroyed an entire bathroom.

  By lunchtime, Cornelius concluded that the badder the bug, the quicker the potion worked.

  So far he’d succeeded in turning somewhat nasty or Hyde-like bugs into real scary HYDES.

  To turn a good bug, or Jekyll, into a Hyde would require a stronger formula. He could do that. It was times like these that Cornelius really loved being 9,000 times smarter than just about every bug on the planet.

  Bugs Gone Wild

  Before you could say, “Sure, I’d like a juice box,” half the bugs at Brown Barge Elementary School were running wild in the streets!

  Super Fly’s test on the orange spots had proved only two things: the compound tasted sweet, and it came clean with ordinary detergent. There simply wasn’t enough present for even the smartest fly to determine the mixture’s effects or ingredients.

  Eugene sighed. “Someday Super Fly will have a better lab.”

  Fred looked around his friend’s room, which was crammed with equipment. “Meanwhile?”

  Eugene shrugged. “Let’s see if we can get a bigger sample and try to keep some order on the streets.”

  That task quickly proved to be quite a challenge, even for Super Fly, Fantastic Flea, and Fly Girl. Everywhere they turned, bugs their age were going crazy, destroying public property, causing danger to themselves and others.

  Elle stared at the mayhem in disbelief. “Doesn’t anyone have homework?”

  Fred shook his head. “No video games to play? No hobbies? I love jigsaw puzzles. Don’t you?”

  Elle smiled. “They are relaxing. And when you finally put in the last few pieces . . .”

  Eugene floated past them on the tall shoulders of the bugsketball team. “Less talk and more heroing, please!”

  Soon, despite the best efforts of the three superheroes, the entire dump was devastated by crazed elementary school students.

  Eventually the exhausted heroes retired to the good side of the diaper. While patching their wounds, they pondered.

  Fly Girl arranged the pieces of the puzzle. “Okay, let’s assume Crazy Co
ckroach created the orange juice concoction causing this outbreak of mad mischief. Why? How? And what can we do about it?”

  The only bug that knew the answer was on the other side of the diaper. Cornelius’s lab had even more equipment than Eugene’s. And, of course, a Ping-Pong table and mini fridge right next door, so the villain could relax and enjoy refreshing snacks while on break. (Not that Super Fly was jealous, much.)

  Anyway, Cornelius was feeling awfully smug. His bad-bug formula was making bugs go bad big-time!

  For whatever reason, the Jeremy Juice had its strongest effect on the arachnids. Ted Tarantula and Sid Vicious Spider had each started his own gang. Big Butch Recluse and Wanda Black Widow also gathered gangs of tough bugs wanting to make trouble.

  Soon sticky webs decked the halls of Brown Barge Elementary like ghostly holiday decorations. Of course the purpose of the webs was to hold small bugs captive!

  Meanwhile, Cornelius kept tweaking his sinister solution. He wanted it to work with the same potency on other insects as it did on the spiders.

  First Cornelius tested a new formula on his fellow roaches. After several adjustments, he finally turned up the bully odometer on Big Paulie Palmetto Bug. Then the tree roaches, water bugs, and flying cockroaches all fell to his plans.

  Soon, almost every bug in school showed signs of the Jeremy Jitters. Screams echoed through the chaotic halls. The once-peaceful elementary school seemed like a prison in full riot.

  Before he could be stopped, Timmy Termite ate half of Mrs. Tiger Moth’s desk. Marco Moth chomped through every coat hanging in the teachers’ lounge. And even though everyone knew glowing on school grounds was illegal, Frank Firefly lit himself up like a Christmas tree.