Rise of the Evil Army!

by Todd H. Doodler

  Nate Gnat led a swarm through the cafeteria, causing paper napkins to fly in the air like confetti. Andy Ant and Adam Aphid teamed up to steal all the sugar packets, while Larry Leech and his friends sucked up all the ketchup.

  Harrison Hornet and Killer Bee demanded tribute from all the smaller bugs and soon sat on a pile of plundered desserts.

  All their lives these bugs had tended to be more naughty than nice. Everyone told them to “be good.” Now, under the influence of the Jeremy Juice, these nasty bugs’ predispositions came out, and they let their bad blossom and bloom.

  They weren’t just bad, they were bad, BAD, BAD! And it felt strangely good, at least at that moment. Of course, they were too busy having fun to reflect on one basic truth: evil always loses—especially when good stands up to it.

  At the moment, good was overwhelmed and Principal Mantis was frantic. He had lost control of his school. “What’s going on? When did Brown Barge turn into a charter school for vandalism?” Normally the fierce-looking mantid could quiet any hall or classroom simply by striding into view on his long, powerful legs. Even the most hardened bullies had been known to crack under his mysterious stare.

  But now he found himself holding books over his head as he dashed from his office to the cafeteria. It was like running through a war zone. The middle-aged mantis worried that he was losing his toughness.

  Poor Mrs. Mosca didn’t know whether to call the police or hop in her car and never come back. She loved this school and all its students of every species, but she loved her family more. And she was only three years away from a cozy retirement and pension plan.

  The principal kept hoping things would improve, that the students would get over this wildness like getting rid of a parasite. Mr. Mantis didn’t want to call for help. He didn’t want Brown Barge to gain the reputation of a troubled school. It could affect his school budget. On the other forelimb, things seemed to be getting even worse!

  The clever cockroach quickly figured out how to adjust the juice to affect even the most docile bugs, like ants and bees. Not many social insects attended Brown Barge. Most went to private military or honey-making schools.

  Thanks to Crazy Cockroach’s insanity-inducing juice, St. Apocrita’s Military Academy attacked Honeycomb Tech in a full-scale war! Their teachers were helpless to stop them.

  “This will go on your permanent record!” exclaimed a frantic professor of Pollen Studies.

  “Who cares?” buzzed a brilliant bee who was once on the fast track for a Hivey League college.

  The streets of Stinkopolis swarmed with angry ants: fire ants, army ants, and other species—all mad with rage. These were not brave soldiers defending their queen and nests. They were Ants Gone Wild!

  Cornelius cackled with evil delight. Watching the hordes of furious ants gave him the idea he needed. At last Crazy Cockroach knew how to defeat Super Fly and Fantastic Flea!

  When they heard him cackle, Cornelius’s henchbugs wondered, “What is it? What’s so funny?”

  Crazy Cockroach pointed to the ants and said, “There’s the answer.”

  Dee whined, “What’s the question?”

  Doo asked, “There’s a question?”

  Cornelius put a star next to the top entry on his Top Secret To-Do List: Find smarter henchbugs. Then he explained, “We’re going to build an army of bad bugs. A huge army, an army that will so outnumber those flies and their flea friend that they won’t stand a chance!”

  Hoops Lets Loose!

  The next day, Eugene saw Hoops at the edge of a crowd of bugs accepting free juice boxes from Cornelius. The evil roach gave away the juice every day, and Brown Barge’s students flocked to the boxes like moths to a flame. Actually, Cornelius also had matches to attract the moths. And of course Marco Moth was first in line, seeing as he’s a moth and all.

  Eugene didn’t want to risk Hoops’s wrath, but he felt compelled to warn the new student about the juice. He nervously approached the scary hornet as she pushed her way to the front of the line.

  “Um, you may want to stay away from Cornelius,” Eugene whispered. “He’s a bad bug, and that juice . . .”

  Hoops pushed aside a small mosquito to grab a box from Cornelius. She drank the contents in one gulp. Then she smirked and said, “Good, bad, it’s all relative. Cornelius doesn’t seem so bad to me. And maybe I like bad.”

  Eugene stammered, “Um, just a friendly warning, since you’re new to Stinkopolis.”

  Hoops grabbed a second juice box right out of a little ladybug’s hands. “Maybe you shouldn’t try so hard to be your brother’s keeper.”

  Eugene felt confused. He didn’t even have a brother. But she probably meant that he shouldn’t even try to be nice.

  Elle tilted her head thoughtfully and then whispered, “I know Hoops seems mean, but I kind of like her.”

  Perhaps Elle sensed something about Hoops. She wasn’t exactly evil. Hoops liked being cruel and violent, like an evil bug. But she really enjoyed putting down bad bugs, proving she was stronger than the bullies. Sometimes Hoops dreamed of becoming a cop, or a superhero like Fly Girl—only with cooler shoes.

  Sadly, Hoops didn’t stay likeable for long. After only a few days of drinking the Jeremy Juice boxes, the hornet became incredibly violent. She walked down the hall punching every bug within reach right in the face!

  Thanks to their super speed, Eugene, Fred, and Elle managed to avoid her ferocious fists. But Adam Aphid wasn’t so lucky.

  “Shee punnnched mee in da nose,” Adam wailed in a nasal whine.

  Eugene hesitated. As a hero, he felt obliged to defend all weaker bugs from that kind of violence. But he also had to protect his secret identity—and his nose!

  That afternoon, on the good side of the diaper, Eugene and Fred discussed the Hoops question. Eugene began, “We can’t let her go on beating up everyone in her path.”

  Fred agreed. But even with 9,000 times the strength of an ordinary flea, Fred felt reluctant to take on the hostile hornet. “I guess we could say something to her.”

  Recalling their conversation at the juice box line, Eugene felt skeptical. “We might have to do something more than talk.”

  “I wouldn’t want to hurt her,” Fred replied.

  Eugene looked thoughtful. “I’m sure we can find a way to restrain her that wouldn’t do any damage.”

  Fred nodded. “This could be a chance to test that power net you’ve been working on.”

  Eugene brightened. “You’re right! I’ll pack the prototype in my backpack tonight.”

  The Happy Hornet

  The next day, Eugene didn’t get to test his Nonviolent Power Net Restraining Device (patent pending). Hoops wasn’t absent from school. She was . . . NICE!

  Eugene, Fred, and Elle noticed the change immediately. Instead of punching every bug she passed in the hall, Hoops smiled. And it wasn’t a snide smile or an evil smirk. This was a sunny, happy smile.

  When Hoops smiled at him, Eugene automatically smiled back. Then he wondered, what’s going on?

  Fred and Elle stared in disbelief. What was Hoops up to? Could this unexpected niceness have something to do with the Jeremy Juice—or was it just an unrelated change?

  So far, Eugene’s research on the Jeremy Juice had been unsuccessful. The trace amounts of juice left in each box didn’t add up to enough of a sample for thorough testing. And Cornelius was very careful to make sure that Eugene, Fred, and Elle were not given boxes.

  The bugs that drank the juice liked it so much they weren’t inclined to share. And if they drank enough of it, they became so mean they wouldn’t share anything ever.

  Eugene looked down the hall at all the formerly nice bugs beating up one another, tearing up homework, throwing books, and otherwise acting out. Hoops glided past them all, smiling like she’d just won the Miss Bugaverse contest.

  Eugene felt the first tingle of a very intriguing theory. He whispered to Elle and Fred, “Let’s have a secret meeting after school.”


  It wasn’t really necessary to be so formal. The three superheroes usually hung out after school anyway. And since they were the only ones attending the meeting, it would be secret to everyone else. But Eugene enjoyed calling secret meetings almost as much as Fred and Elle enjoyed attending them. It sort of comes with the superhero territory.

  Of course first they had the daunting task of surviving another day at Brown Barge. Thanks to the devastating effects of the Jeremy Juice, everywhere they turned the heroes saw chaos!

  Despite their dazzling reflexes, it was a long, painful day. Fred was so busy defending himself against Sid Vicious that he didn’t see a rampaging wasp until it was too late to avoid his sting.

  A moody grasshopper knocked down Elle, and while she was on her back, a bunch of beetles spun her around until she got horribly dizzy.

  A pack of mites surrounded Eugene. He tried so hard not to hurt any of the tiny bugs, he tripped over his own feet and fell flat on his face.

  Meanwhile, all around them battles raged. Hornets fought bees. Wasps battled yellow jackets. Spiders attacked roaches. And bedbugs fought one another fiercely while still wearing their pajamas.

  On the playground, “General” Cornelius C. Roach commanded organized lines of fighting bugs. Platoons and battalions all followed his every command.

  Eugene shook his head. “This isn’t good.”

  Fred agreed. “Tell me about it.”

  Elle echoed, “Cornelius with an evil bug army—that’s scary!”

  In the interests of intelligence gathering, the three heroes listened to the general’s speech to his troops. It made no sense!

  Elle rubbed her forehead in distress. She said, “He’s completely . . .”

  “Crazy? As in Crazy Cockroach?” Eugene finished his sister’s thought.

  Then they noticed the villain’s henchbugs. Doo and Dee were actually wearing helmets and uniforms!

  Fred sighed. “Oh, brother! Look out for Captains Dee and Doo.”

  Eugene recognized the insignia. “No, they’re colonels.”

  Elle declared, “They’re numbskulls, and no amount of brass buttons, stripes, or salutes will ever change that.”

  Her brother and his friend chuckled. But the truth was that all three felt extremely worried.

  As soon as their secret meeting was called to order, Eugene expressed his theory. “Maybe the reason Hoops turned nice after being so mean was because she was so mean to start with that a high dosage of the juice actually backfired.”

  Fred followed his friend’s thought. “Hoops could only get X amount meaner before BOOM! she went back to nice.”

  Elle’s skepticism gave way to interest. “You’re saying that the juice had a reverse effect on Hoops because she’s already mean? That’s crazy! But so is Crazy Cockroach, so maybe . . . it’s at least worth considering.”

  Eugene turned up the flame on his Bunsen burner. “And worth using as a basis for devising an anti-Jeremy potion.”

  Tattletales

  Developing the cure for Crazy Cockroach’s evil juice boxes could take some time—even for Super Fly, Fly Girl, and Fantastic Flea. So the three desperate heroes made a tough decision.

  Eugene sighed. “There are just too many bugs to go against.”

  Elle agreed. “An entire evil army!”

  Fred also thought the odds seemed grim. “Maybe we need help.”

  Elle nodded. “No one likes a tattletale, but there are times when you just have to tell.”

  They started with Mrs. Flystein.

  Eugene began, “Mom, there’s something weird going on.”

  Elle continued, “Brown Barge has become a breeding ground for evil invaders!”

  “The students have been brainwashed by juice boxes full of a diabolical potion created by Crazy Cockroach!” Eugene added.

  Mrs. Flystein sighed. “I don’t mind you playing pretend games after your homework’s done, but I’m busy! Honestly, you make me want to cut off the cable TV.”

  Eugene felt horrified! Every now and then his parents threatened to save money on entertainment, but . . .

  Elle wailed, “No! Please!” She loved her cartoons, especially those on Tick at Nite.

  Mom shrugged. “Well, that’s enough nonsense for now.”

  During supper, the young Flysteins tried again. Maybe Dad would be receptive and see the danger.

  Instead, their father insisted that all the bad behavior at school could be explained by “prepubescent hormones. Lots of larvae and nymphs act wild under the influence of the strong chemicals in their changing bodies.”

  Before Dad could launch into another version of “the talk,” Eugene grumbled, “Never mind.” Then he whispered to Elle, “Maybe Mrs. Tiger Moth or Principal Praying Mantis will listen to us.”

  Elle agreed.

  So the next morning, the heroic siblings and their trusty friend Fred rushed off the bus. They dodged a gauntlet of bad bugs and finally reached Mrs. Tiger Moth’s classroom.

  The three tried to sound as reasonable as possible. Fred began, “Mrs. Tiger Moth, I’m sure you’ve noticed something strange is happening at Brown Barge.”

  Elle continued, “Some bugs are naughty, but this is ridiculous!”

  Eugene concluded, “We believe many students have been brainwashed by Crazy Cockroach!”

  Mrs. Tiger Moth said, “Principal Praying Mantis is, of course, aware of the . . . situation. Unfortunately, he’s taking a wait-and-see attitude. And there’s nothing I can do.”

  So the three heroes hurried to the principal’s office. His response matched those of Mr. and Mrs. Flystein. He declared Eugene’s theory “nonsense,” and he blamed the wild behavior on puberty.

  Worse than that, Principal Praying Mantis said he didn’t appreciate Eugene, Fred, and Elle “telling tales.”

  Elle fumed. “We’re not tattletales!”

  The principal was quick to appease her. “Of course not. You’re just telling on your classmates out of concern for the school. But I think our administration can handle any situation that arises.”

  Eugene shook his head. The halls had turned into a war zone, but obviously Principal Mantis preferred pretending that everything was fine. It was probably easier than facing his fears. Unable to control the chaos, he hid safely inside his shell, behind his closed office door.

  The three heroes couldn’t help feeling disappointed.

  Eugene sighed. “That was useless.”

  Fred looked at his watch. “Worse than useless.”

  Elle sighed.

  As the three heroes hurried to their classes, they passed Hoops Hornet. “Good morning!” she exclaimed with a sunny smile.

  Hoops saw her reflection in the windowed top of a classroom door. She barely recognized herself.

  Principal Mantis might be in denial. But Hoops knew that something strange was definitely going on at Brown Barge.

  Hoops tried to adjust her face to its normal scary scowl. But in seconds that sunny smile returned.

  Hoops couldn’t understand it! She’d never felt so nice before. Usually she reveled in seeing bugs get hurt. She liked crushing bully bugs just to prove how much meaner she was. She lived to bully the bullies. But now all she wanted to do was be sweet.

  Cornelius C. Roach watched the effects of his potion with great pleasure. Perhaps eventually Super Fly, Fantastic Flea, and Fly Girl would figure out a way to counter the Jeremy Juice. But with any luck at all, that would only be after his evil armies had done their damage.

  Cornelius smiled slyly to himself. Soon all the bugs at Brown Barge would be turned against Eugene, Fred, and Elle. Life at school got ugly—fast.

  Doubt

  After another exhausting day defending themselves from their crazed peers, Eugene, Fred, and Elle collapsed in the good side of the diaper. The boys were even too tired to play Sewer Invaders!

  Fred sighed. “Ted Tarantula and Sid Vicious are bad enough. Let’s face it; they were always kind of rotten. But when good bugs like Grace Grass
hopper and Lucy Kaboosie are acting like killer bees . . .”

  Elle shuddered. “Lucy stole my lunch today! Then she didn’t even eat it. She just stomped on it on the floor.”

  Eugene shook his head sadly. “I wonder if this is it. I mean, maybe this is Crazy Cockroach’s first plan that will work.” He took off his glasses to rub his eyes. “Maybe it’s our turn to fail. Maybe we’re on the verge of losing Stinkopolis and the world! Maybe for once evil will triumph over good.”

  Elle looked alarmed. “Don’t even say that!”

  Eugene shrugged. “I don’t even want to think it. But we’re up against an awful lot of bad bugs.”

  Fred said, “Doubt is a horrible thing. We can’t let fear or despair make us weak.”

  Elle casually lifted the coffee table over her head. “We’re not weak.”

  The boys laughed.

  Then Eugene said, “Perhaps it would be best to handle things as Super Fly, Fantastic Flea, and Fly Girl from here on out.”

  Fred and Elle agreed. Then while Eugene worked in his lab to find a counter-potion, Fly Girl and Fantastic Flea went cockroach hunting. Crazy Cockroach, that is.

  After a quick check of the evil side of the diaper, the two heroes used their super speed to survey the entire area. They quickly found the vile villain at the highest point in the dump.

  Fantastic Flea whispered, “What’s he doing?”

  Fly Girl shrugged. At that moment, Crazy Cockroach seemed to be doing nothing, just looking down on Stinkopolis. “Let’s ask.”