Obscured Love

by Delilah Mohan

  The tipsy retelling by her mother was quite entertaining but I couldn’t even enjoy it like I wanted to because I was too busy watching the clock, watching the doorway, watching the motherfucker who kept eying me. Realizing that no one even noticed she never returned, well no one besides Gus and I . . . I got up as stealthily as possible and went in search of her. I knew she was in the garage so I slipped out the back door and crossed the grass to the door that was propped open by a brick.

  Sticking my head inside, I saw Lotus sitting on her dad’s work bench, legs dangling a good two feet off the ground. I pushed the door open, going inside. “I thought you were looking for your projector.”

  “I thought you would look for me sooner.” She replied.

  “What games are you playing, Blue Eyes?” I held my breath as I watched her jump down, walking toward me slowly.

  “Who says I’m playing a game?” She quirked her eyebrow.

  “Did you have fun, spending the day driving me crazy?” I growled at her, frustrated that despite seeing her all over another man, I still wanted her more than my next breath.

  “Remember the last time you were in this garage?” She asked me, avoiding my question.

  “No. Are you going to answer me?” Impatience coursed through me at her evasion tactics.

  Her shoulders moved up a little, signifying a gesture of disinterest. “You think Auggie doesn’t know we have something between us? He’s the most observant person I know. I wouldn’t discount his quiet nature. He has a mischievous streak.” She gave me a beaming smile like she knew all about his mischief and it fucking irked me. “Now, you don’t remember the last time you were here?”

  “No.” I sounded like a sulking kid but I was past the point of caring.

  She walked a circle around me, dragging her finger across my back and over my chest. “I was about fifteen, here for a little alone time with my boyfriend. I was minding my own business, just preparing to perform one of my favorite things in the world.”

  My back stiffened and I felt my temper bubbling up. That day still pissed me off. “He was a douche.”

  “You acted like a douche.” She informed me, her nails scratching across the fabric of my chest while I just stood there, watching her pace around me slowly, and waiting for her next move. She stopped in front of me, rested her palm on the side of my neck, and leaned in. “You owe me.” She whispered.

  I tried to reach for her lips but she pulled away. “I owe you nothing. I would do it again. You were too young to being sucking anyone off.”

  “And now?” Her eyebrow rose inquisitively as she reached for my belt buckle. My throat went dry, making it nearly impossible to speak.

  “Now you’re perfect.” I rasped.

  “Perfect, you say.” Her breath fanned against my skin and a shiver racked my body. “I know a few men who would gladly like to hear that.”

  She turned away, taking two steps toward the door left ajar before my hand shot out and wrapped around her bicep. “Perfect for me.” She smiled, my heart stopped and I had to force air into my lungs. “You’re perfect for me.” A playful grin crossed her face and I was almost scared to know what secrets she was hiding. “I thought you were looking for your projector.” I gulped out.

  “I haven’t owned a projector in years.”

  I pulled her closer to my body and watched as she looked over her shoulder at the door one last time before pulling back slightly, raking her nails down my chest as she dropped to her knees in front of me. Looking up at me with those big, blue eyes, she unbuckled my belt and pants and the sight alone of her on her knees, with my fist buried in her unruly hair, nearly killed me. Almost destructed me. Maybe for a moment, it finally freed me.

  Chapter 22

  Lotus

  Thanksgiving was almost three weeks ago and as much as I didn’t want to bring up Christmas to Beckett, I was curious as to our plans. Was he coming to my parents’ house? Did he already have plans and just hadn’t told me yet? Were we exchanging gifts? I wasn’t sure what we were doing, and I guess none of it really mattered in the grand scheme of things, but it sure would have been nice to plan.

  So, I dropped hints. Wasn't that what females did best anyway? Just in case he hadn’t realized the array of Christmas lights, Christmas music, or the Salvation Army Santa Claus ringing his bell collecting donations, I helped him out a little. I made him one of those adorable wreaths constructed out of Christmas bulbs, you know, the ones you see crafty moms make all over your social media? I strategically placed Christmas smelling candles throughout his house, because what was more Christmas than cinnamon and sugar cookies? I even managed to smuggle in a few stuffed snowmen and a nativity scene.

  And you know what, he let me. Hard as stone, cranky ass, Beckett Fucking Cole, let me decorate his house for Christmas while he just sat back on his heels and gave approving grunts when appropriate. That was fine with me because I loved this. I loved this season. I loved decorations. I loved him.

  It was a Friday night, and we were snuggled under a giant plush blanket, watching Netflix at my place, when he sat up suddenly. “What’s wrong?”

  He pulled the blanket off of me in one quick move. “Get dressed. We’re going to get a tree.”

  Ruins and I stared at him in confusion. This couldn’t have possibly been Beckett; my Beckett, suggesting such activities. “You want to get a Christmas tree?”

  “Why not? I’ve never actually had one at my own place before. Plus, Stephanie told me of this cool Christmas village about an hour away.” He was already putting on his coat.

  “Is she still after you?” I narrowed my eyes at him.

  “Are you jealous if she is?” He asked, pausing from his task to wait for my answer.

  Yes. “No, I’m not jealous. Do what you want, you seem to always do so anyway.” I sounded bitter but I felt some sort of possession when it came to him.

  “We just talk as friends now. She hasn’t tried to hit on me since she came to the apartment in her trench coat. She actually suggested I take you to this place, she said it’s beautiful.” He finished putting his coat on and began on his shoes while I still stared.

  “So this is happening then? We are going to buy Mr. Grinch a tree?” I stated, still in shock that all my hints paid off and he had decided to get festive.

  “Baby, I’m trying to do something I was told you would like. Can’t you just let me?” He sounded exasperated and was it wrong that I loved it?

  “Is there hot chocolate involved?” I asked, knowing I would go with him no matter what his answer was.

  “Anything for you, Blue Eyes.” He winked, I melted, and before I knew it, I was up, getting dressed and ready to leave for this night on the town. Well, maybe not the town because I actually didn't know where we were going but ... night on a town.

  We put a leash on Ruins before exiting my apartment and headed toward his truck. Since it was cold, I talked him into letting Ruins ride in the cab and it was probably the best decision I made all week. Ruins sat between us like a mini adult, taking his responsibility as passenger seriously. Who needed to pay for entertainment with that guy around?

  The drive itself wasn’t too bad, it took us a little over an hour to get to Santa’s Village, park the truck, and begin our search for hot chocolate. We found a street cart just outside the entrance to the park that sold hot chocolate, coffee, and roasted chestnuts. The smell alone reminded me of Christmas but the actual atmosphere pushed the whole experience over the top.

  After paying for our hot chocolate, Beckett took my hand, “Are you ready to get your Christmas on?”

  I looked at where our hands joined, his big hand engulfing my own, and I couldn’t help the flutter I felt travel up my stomach and through my whole body. Holding hands out in public was new for us and yeah, we had to travel an hour away from home to do it, just so he could hide from the truth of our relationship. But it was still a nice feeling to have his warmth surround me, to be connected, to feel wanted. Loved.
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br />   I couldn’t contain the smile that overtook my face. “Yeah. I’m ready to get my Christmas on, let’s do this!” I told him right before I stood on my tippy toes and kissed his cheek. He squeezed my fingers affectionately before tightening the slack on Ruins’ leash and leading us into the gated entrance at the park.

  My eyes were instantly assaulted with vibrant lights, elaborate Christmas themed displays, and in the distance, I could hear a group of carolers singing Christmas classics. He held my hand tightly as we walked the path between displays, passing one with Santa on the roof top, another with a look into the elves workshop, and a whole row dedicated to Christmas around the world.

  He stopped in front of a five-foot-tall Christmas ornament that was sandwiched between two elegantly decorated Christmas trees. Reaching into his pocket, he took out his phone, giving me a cheesy wink, then held it up. “Say cheese, beautiful girl.” He told me, moments before I heard the shutter click. He turned his phone around and looked at the picture. “Perfect.” He said, just before I heard my phone ding signifying he sent me the snapshot.

  “Sir.” An elderly woman’s voice sounded from a few feet away. “I can take a picture of you both if you would like.”

  He looked at me and Ruins, who was sitting happily at my feet. “You know what? I think I would like that.” He smiled at the woman as he handed her his cell phone, before wrapping his arms around my waist tightly and resting his chin on my head. The phone emitted a blinding flash, then the woman looked at the screen, beaming proudly at the result and handed it back to Beckett.

  “You are a fine-looking couple.” She told us.

  “Thank you. We really appreciate you taking our picture.” He said before wishing her a Merry Christmas. He stared at the screen a few moments too long before clearing his throat and shoving his phone back in his pocket.

  “Aren't you going to show it to me?” I tried to reach for his phone but he snatched my hand and brought my fingers up to his lips, kissing each one.

  “Later.” He placed one more kiss on my forehead. “I heard somewhere beyond the display village there is shopping, possibly a little carnival of sorts. Want to check it out before we get our tree?”

  “Shopping and carnivals while drinking hot chocolate on a cold winter night? You don't have to ask me twice!” He took my hand in his again, walking us past a wooden North Pole display and through what I could only assume was candy land, until we reached a giant, white tent with a sign that said “Claus Creations” in big, bold, white letters on a red background.

  “This is it, my lady. The place where all your Christmas shopping dreams come true. As much as possible at . . .” He looked at his watch to check the time. “Almost nine o'clock at night.”

  “My lady?” I laughed. “Have we traveled back in time?”

  “Aren't you my lady?” He asked me as we stepped inside the tent, careful to keep Ruins’ leash wound tightly.

  “I've always been your lady.” I breathlessly replied as he leaned over and placed a gentle kiss on my nose.

  “I think maybe I know that.” He whispered before turning toward the display cases housing boxes of hand crafted ornaments.

  We wandered around the oversized makeshift store in search of the perfect décor for his tree. In some aspects, shopping for Christmas ornaments with him was like taking a kid into a candy store. He played, touched, and turned on everything he came across and wanted to buy it all. This was both sweet and annoying because I didn’t want to have to be the person to constantly remind him that he didn’t need a plastic reindeer that pooped gum balls, or a stuffed cat that meows Christmas melodies. He needed ornaments.

  “You act like you've never seen any of this stuff before.” I poked him in the side as he turned on a Santa that did the Macarena.

  “I haven't.” He said, without turning to look at me. “We never did Christmas at my house, that's why I always went to yours.”

  I looked at him in shock for a solid few beats. “Like you religiously didn't believe in Christmas?”

  “No. My parents always told me I was too bad for Santa to come and bring me presents, so they never even bothered with a tree.” He shrugged his shoulders like it was no big deal but I could tell it bothered him. “So I liked to go to your house because you guys always put a tree up and you let me help decorate it. Then on Christmas, there were always presents for me too. It was nice.”

  I buried my face into the sleeve of his jacket, trying to fight the tears I felt for the little boy I once knew, but never really did know. I knew enough about him, though, to know he wasn't a bad kid. He was helpful and sweet. He always looked after me and would make me grilled cheese. He let me pick movies and shared his pillow and never once did he make me question the kindness within him.

  I suddenly wanted to buy him the whole tent, just so he could experience the joy of Christmas’ missed all at once. I wanted as many smiles as I could get from him, as many laughs, and if I was laying it all down, as many days as he would allow.

  He looked at his watch, looking sort of uncomfortable about his confession. “Let’s pick out some ornaments, and then we can hopefully catch the Ferris wheel before it's too late. I think the tree stand closes at eleven.”

  Knowing he was trying to change the subject from something difficult and personal for him to admit, I took his hand, giving it a gentle squeeze, before leading him to the wall of ornaments. The decision to pick his favorite actually took longer than anticipated, but in the end, he bought a couple boxes each of hand blown silver bulbs, gold stars, and shimmering snowflakes.

  He paid for his ornaments.

  I made a secret purchase of a tree topper.

  He ran back to get some lights.

  By the time we left the tent, our arms loaded with shopping bags, he was beaming with happiness and it took my breath away. The pure, unadulterated joy he got from picking out his first set of his own Christmas ornaments was so contagious, I couldn't help but smile too. I loved seeing him this way, so light and unweighted.

  “Think we can make the Ferris Wheel?” He questioned, his grin still plastered across his face.

  I looked at my watch. “If we hurry. But it's pushing it sort of close, don't you think?”

  He shrugged and looked down at our arms full of shopping bags and the well-mannered dog trotting happily along beside us. “Feel like coming back tomorrow? We can leave Ruins at home. That way we can ride all the rides easier and play some games.”

  I looked at Ruins, his ears perked up from hearing his name mentioned. “Sounds fantastic.” We approached a fork in the pathway and I led us down the path heading to the tree lot. The lot was nestled in the far corner of the park, right next to the exit and the parking area. The entrance was lit up by white lights and as you entered through the wooden frame, big strings of white bulbs were strung across the ceiling, illuminating the array of trees in various shapes and sizes.

  Beckett inhaled deeply as he stood in the middle of the precut trees. “It smells amazing, doesn't it?” He reached for my hand, using it to pull me closer and anchoring me to his side.

  I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, humoring him. “It does. I love the smell of pine.”

  Opening my eyes slowly, I saw that he was no longer looking at the trees, rather he was watching my every move. I let go of his hand, brought my palm up to cup his cheek, and used my thumb to stroke the coarse hair covering his jaw. “You ready to pick your first tree?”

  He nuzzled his cheek into my palm, closing his eyes, enjoying my touch. “Are you ready to pick our first tree?” he asked me in return.

  “Anything for you.” I replied as I stood on my tiptoes to kiss his lips. It was a mushy gesture and I was aware of it, but we never got moments like this, to be us, outside the confinement of our walls, and maybe I wanted to milk the moment for all that I could. Holding hands ... check. Shopping ... check. Picture evidence ... check. Kissing under the stars (and the gaze of strangers) ... Check and Check.

 
He smiled under my lips before yanking my arm, dragging me toward a row of trees. He examined every one with an inspection that would rival any factory quality control before settling on a nearly seven foot Douglas fir. He stood back, dusting off his hands, before giving me a satisfactory grin and leaving to pay and search for someone to help us out.

  He came back a few minutes later with a lot employee, apparently named Stan, to help him get the tree off the lot and into his truck parked not too far away. I followed behind the men, carrying our shopping bags and Ruins’ leash, while they lugged the tree to his truck. I watched in amusement as they both awkwardly put the tree in the truck bed, then after what I swear was a phone number exchange, the newly formed bromance was split into two and we were waving goodbye as Beckett backed out.

  “Did you and Stan exchange phone numbers?” I asked as I was buckling my seatbelt, still processing what had happened.

  “What? He’s a cool guy. We chatted while I was paying.”

  “Oh hey, on the way home, can we stop at the store? I forgot to exchange social media pages with the bagger last time we were there.”

  He slung his arm over the steering wheel and looked in my direction. “Oh Lily? Yeah, I’ve been meaning to add her to my pages as well. Such a sweet thing, isn’t she?” I narrowed my eyes and gave him a look that caused a deep laugh to erupt from his throat. “On second thought, maybe I’ll just stick to hanging out with Stan.”

  “Good plan.” I pinched his thigh, causing him to squirm and laugh even harder. When he finally stopped laughing, he looked over at me with an expression I couldn’t read and it was confusing. I wasn’t sure what to say to fill the silence that suddenly threatened to suffocate us within the truck’s cab, or where the whole shift had come from, but I did know we were heading home and this night would be over. The moments we had shared would just be memories.

  I wanted more, so much more than he was willing to give me. Maybe I was being selfish for wanting to hold his hands and kiss his lips while strolling for an evening walk. Or longing to hear him admit that I was more to him than a fling, that maybe we could be something. A something so amazing it would conquer his demons and strengthen his resolve. Maybe, this something amazing could be love if he would just let me show it, prove it, own it. Because there was nothing else I wanted more in this world than to freely own my love for this man.