by Lauren Runow
She glances up and smiles back, scooting over more and hitting the seat next to her, inviting me to sit down.
“So I take it this is your first time?”
I laugh. “How could you tell?”
“Believe me, you have trouble virgin written all over you. Surprised you even came to a rave. I’m Tracy, by the way.”
I smirk. “Hi, I’m Jenelle. And yeah, I came with this guy—”
She laughs, interrupting me. “It’s always for a guy. And let me guess, he left your ass as soon as the cops showed up.”
“No, actually, he tried to help me get away and was tackled himself, but I was caught by another officer.”
“Shitty.”
We sit in silence as we await our fate. So many things are running through my mind, and I don't know if I want to throw up or hyperventilate. Instead, I rest my head against the back wall and focus on taking deep breaths in and out.
Before I know it, a gruff woman opens our cell door, declaring, “Okay, you all can go.”
Relief flies from my fingers to my toes as my chest widens enough where I can finally take a deep breath of air, filling my lungs as tears fill up my eyes. I look at the girl next to me with a huge smile on my face.
She laughs, hitting my leg. “Told ya. Free to go.”
We walk out of the jail and I relish in the cold breeze that sweeps across my face, feeling more free than I have in my entire life.
Tracy walks up laughing at my joy. “You should see your face right now,” she jokes. I grin in response. “So—” she looks around “—is your guy out here, too?”
Oh no! I search for any glimpse of Alex, and just like that, my freedom flies away and doom fills my lungs again.
“No, I don’t see him.” My hands fly up to my face, blocking the tears that start to fall.
“It’s cool. We’ll wait a little longer and see if they release him as well.”
I turn to her. “Thank you,” I whisper as she embraces me in a comforting hug and we walk to a bench to wait out his release.
Only it never comes.
After an hour, she invites me back to her place so I could figure out what’s truly going on.
It’s not until five in the morning that I break down and call the police department. Only to learn Alex was arrested for trespassing, and won’t be released until Monday morning.
My worst fears have come true. Not only did he get arrested, but there’s no way we can hide this from the authorities back on base. Thoughts of me being there instead of him make my stomach turn, and I have to run to the bathroom where nothing but dry heaves commence.
I need to get home; I need to figure out my next move, but mostly, I need to come clean about Alex to someone.
I decide to call Layla, filling her in about everything that has been going on the past few months and why I was keeping it a secret.
After congratulating me on finally having a life outside of the military, she agreed to pick me up from the Concord BART station. After saying my goodbyes to my new friend, thanking her for the hospitality, I head back home.
Alone.
Layla is standing at her car as soon as I step off the platform toward the parking lot. After giving her a hug, we head back home, her drilling me the entire way about Alex, what we’ve been doing and making me explain again the hierarchy of the military and why me hanging out with him is so wrong.
“I don’t understand,” she says shaking her head. “It’s not like he’s eighteen. You guys are the same age. You can’t tell me people don’t date each other in the military.”
“Yes, but I’m an Officer. That adds a totally different aspect to this situation. There are rules about this, and I could get in a lot of trouble.”
“Rules, shmules. He sounds like fun,” she laughs.
I take a deep breath, running my fingers through my hair. “He has been. I’m afraid of what’s gonna happen now.”
Sunday drags on at an unbelievably slow pace. All I can picture is Alex sitting in jail, and there’s nothing I can do about it. When Monday morning arrives, I grip my phone, taking it everywhere with me so I don't dare miss his call.
It’s not until our briefing that I get a glimpse of what’s going on. First Sergeant Thompson walks into our meeting a few minutes late announcing, “Please excuse my tardiness but I was on the phone with the S.F.P.D., Airman Riley was arrested this weekend at a rave in San Francisco, and they’re requesting he is released to us because of his record of drugs and theft. He should have been charged, but when he told them he was trying to clean up his act and was enlisted in the military, they decided to just ticket him for trespassing as long as he was released to our custody.”
I want to cry, I want to scream, but all I can do is sit there, act non-affected by the news, and even worse, pretend that I’m not okay with his actions.
I’m a fucking hypocrite, and I hate myself right now.
Because I’m the highest ranking in the room, I should be the first to speak. Thankfully I’m saved when Lieutenant Stine speaks up even though his words sting more than Thompson’s. “We seriously need to consider discharging Airman Riley. He’s not living up to the military’s standards and has been nothing but trouble. I say this is his final straw.”
“No!” I stand up, shocking everyone, even myself. “I mean, we need to hear his side of the story. He’s here for a good reason. We need to give him that chance.”
Nervously, I grab my chair, sitting back down and smoothing my uniform while I take a deep, calming breath.
Thankfully, First Sergeant Thompson defends Alex. “I agree with Captain Mazerolle. He’s a special case but Lieutenant Stine is correct as well. I think this is his final warning and will make that clear when I pick him up. If he steps out of line again, I, myself, will start the dishonorable discharge papers.”
Lieutenant Stine and everyone in the room agree before Thompson leaves to pick up Alex. I, on the other hand, have to sit, dying inside, while hiding it from the world around me.
My door swings open and shuts before I have the chance to question what is going on. The phone is up to my ear but when sparkling blue eyes reach mine, I quickly end my phone call and stand up.
Before I can make it around my desk, strong hands grip my cheeks as soft lips crash with mine, hungry for anything they can get.
“Alex,” I breathlessly say when he pulls back to examine my eyes.
“God, I’m sorry, so sorry, Jenelle. I promised I would protect you and it killed me to see you in the police station. I never wanted to put you in that situation.”
“Alex, I know. I know you didn’t mean for that to happen. It wasn’t your fault.”
He wraps me in his embrace. “I was so scared you were going to get in trouble.”
“I was more worried about you. What happened? Why did they keep you?”
“That’s not important. As long as you’re okay, that’s all I care about.”
“Alex…” I place my hand on his shoulders, pulling back to look him in the eyes. “It is important. I don’t want you getting in trouble. I need you—”
A swift knock cuts off my words before my door swings open. Without a thought, Alex grabs some pencils and papers off my desk, knocking it to the floor and leaning down to pick it up.
“I’m sorry that happened, Captain. I can be so clumsy,” Alex says as he picks up the items and sets them back where they came from.
Fear grabs my chest and holds on tightly as I turn around, sitting back in my chair and turning toward my computer so I don’t have to look at Lieutenant Stine’s face.
“That’s okay, Riley. I’m glad we had that talk. Remember what I said. This is your last warning. Don’t make us do something none of us want to do.”
“Yes, ma’am,” Alex says as he salutes me quickly and walks out the door, leaving Lieutenant Stine standing in question.
Before he can make sense of it all, I ask, “Is there something I can help you with?”
“No. Just w
anted to make sure you knew Airman Riley was back, but I see you’ve already spoken to him.”
“Yes, we’ve spoken. He’s aware of how I feel. Thank you for bringing him back.”
He nods in response, leaving my office and closing the door behind him.
A deep sigh releases from my chest as my head falls down on my desk in relief he hadn’t walked in earlier.
8
What we kept calling our non-existent relationship changed after that night. Though we haven’t set any parameters or said we were officially dating, we’ve been spending every night together.
Yeah, he’s either been at my house or me at his every night, and yes, I sleep in his shirt but it’s comfy, that’s the only reason why.
At least, that’s what I keep telling myself.
That’s why I’m a little worried about how things are going tonight. He’s not doing anything glaringly different but I notice the subtle things. He’s holding my hand any chance he can, or when I was making dinner, our eyes would meet and the look he would give me would bring most girls to their knees.
It’s a look I’ve dreamed about getting for years. That one that says you’re the one, with the twinkle in their eye and the slight smile that forms on their lips. I’ve seen it in movies and read about it in books, but never have I witnessed it myself, until now.
After I close the dishwasher, his hand intertwines with mine, and when I look up to his eyes, I see it again.
Tingles start at my chest and radiate out until I feel a cold sweat cover my body. I don’t know what’s going on. Do I like this? Is this fear? Is this love? Am I scared? Am I happy?
All I know is I’ve never felt this way and my head is more clogged than rush-hour traffic.
When his lips brush over mine, I feel my chest tighten even more and my stomach flip around. Proving that something is definitely going on.
He leans back, and I take a deep, cleansing breath which makes him chuckle under his breath as he walks away with his chest held high. The swagger in his walk is like he’s the king of the prairie about to claim his lioness.
He can tell I’m affected but I think he’s misunderstanding what it means. Shit, I don’t even know what it means.
His grip on my hand pulls me to my room where he sits on the bed and pulls me between his legs.
I wipe the sweat coating my palms on my shorts before running my fingers through his hair.
The slight moan he gives does nothing to my nerves, just intensifies the situation and now my heart is beating wildly.
His hands wrap around my waist and start to pull up my shirt where his lips replace the soft feeling of the fabric. Chills race down my spine, and I shiver slightly which garners another slight chuckle from Alex.
My head falls back as I take a deep breath, slightly pursing my lips together, letting it out as slowly as possible, trying to calm my nerves so I can figure out what these feelings going through me are.
Once his hands reach inside my shorts, rubbing my favorite spot, the nerves turn into ripples of pleasure and I give myself over to him.
I’m losing all control but I like it. I want him to dominate me and take everything inside my head away. I just want to be a woman who has no thoughts, no questions, no concerns, and just feels and loves what is happening to me.
Alex wraps his hands tighter around my waist, hugging me briefly before slowly lowering my shorts down the length of my legs, trailing kisses every inch he can.
My shirt and bra are next, and once I stand completely naked in front of him, his lips wrap around my nipple while he mumbles three words under his breath I can’t quite make out.
Slowly picking me up, he places me on the bed and removes his own clothing while I lie still as a board, waiting for him to help these feelings move through me so I can figure out what they mean.
His lips meet mine in a kiss full of desire, passion and, dare I say, love?
Without releasing his lips from mine, he reaches down with one hand, positioning himself at my entrance, and slowly pushes himself inside.
A moan I’ve never heard releases from my lips. It’s deep, it’s emotional, it’s raw. My eyes glisten from the emotions running through my body when Alex’s voice lifts me from my trance.
“Jenelle, look at me,” he whispers as he brushes my hair away from my face and slows down his thrusts so he’s leisurely moving in and out of me, driving me close to the edge already.
I open my eyes to see him staring back at me. His eyes crinkle at the side, like a thought just came to him and his lips tilt up to a smile.
“I want this, Jenelle. I want us. Let’s tell people. Let’s not hide this anymore. I see you in my future. I see us getting married some day.”
I close my eyes, pretending it’s more from the pleasure ripping through me instead of the shock that just filled me to my core.
Did he just say tell people? Did he really just mention marriage? Has he lost his mind? We aren’t even a real couple. Are we?
“Jenelle, open your eyes. Did you hear me? I want to be with you. Only you.”
His movements stop, and I know he’s waiting for my response. I’ve been so confused as to what’s going on between us already, and now this, especially right now.
Having no clue what I’m going to respond with, stupid me says the first thing that comes to my mouth, “You’re already married.”
After it comes out of my mouth, I instantly regret it and open my eyes to see the rejection flashing through his mind. But did I reject him? I didn’t really say no… But I guess I didn’t say yes, either... I need more time to take in his words.
How did we go from not wanting to even see someone to talking about marriage?
In a streak of lightning, the sweet Alex that’s been shining through all night is gone and my sex freak is back, flipping me over so I’m lying on my stomach before he spreads me wide and pounds into me with punishing thrusts that feel so good yet terribly wrong.
I know it’s different now. I can tell in how he’s touching me. Normally, his hands pull me in tight, caressing me like I’m a mirage, constantly making sure I’m real, but not now. His grip is tight, his grunts firm, and his only care is getting me off so he can get off too.
Literally.
So I give him what he wants. I fake my orgasm for the first time, purposely clenching my pussy tight as I scream out, praying he doesn’t notice.
Three seconds later, his thrusts take flight, pounding harder and harder until he slams his release inside then pulls out without even relishing in the after wave.
Thankfully, my face is buried in the pillow, and I keep it there, not wanting to face what I think is to come. Not because I don’t like him because I do. The thought of it ending right now makes my chest a little tighter than I want to admit, but this is all too fast. I need to think a little more.
When I feel his warm body lean over and kiss my shoulder, relief fills my chest but it’s short lived.
“I got to head home. Thanks for tonight.”
I turn to him, seeing him for the first time and noticing instantly the change in his stature.
“Don’t leave,” I whisper as I reach for him.
“Sorry, plans tonight. I have to head out.”
Liar.
I take a deep breath before moving to get out of bed, worry and pain filling every part of me. “I’ll walk you out,” I state, trying to prolong his leaving so I can think straight.
He stops me. “It’s okay. I’ll let myself out. Bye, Jenelle.”
The way he said bye before kissing my forehead left my stomach turning but I do nothing to stop him. I said goodbye and watched him walk out of my room with a devastated gut feeling, wondering what all just went wrong.
9
Alex walked out of my house four days ago, and I haven’t heard from him since. I texted him a few times over the weekend with simple things just testing the water between us, but he never responded. Now I’m sitting in my Monday meeting, listening to the weeke
nd briefing. My heart races when First Sergeant Thompson mentions Airman Riley is up to no good again, and he’s recommending we move forward with his dishonorable discharge.
“Wait.” I jump to stop him at the surprise of hearing his name then have to backtrack so I don’t come off too obvious to everyone in the meeting. “I mean, um, I thought he was doing better? What exactly did he do this time?”
“He was. For a few months, he was great and I don’t know what happened, but he’s back to his old ways. He showed up smelling of alcohol on Friday, I couldn't prove it so I put him on cleaning detail to keep him off the flight line.”
I have to close my eyes as pain rips through my chest like someone just gripped my heart in an effort to stop it from beating completely. He left my house Thursday night so that pretty much put a nail in the coffin that I caused this.
To my dismay, he continues, “Then he didn’t show up at all for his weekend duty. After calling his house multiple times on Saturday, I drove there on Sunday and found him passed out with a bottle of Jack Daniels next to him. I had to get his landlord to open the door after I saw him lying on the floor when I peeked through the window.”
Please, someone, tell the person stomping on my heart to stop. I can’t take it anymore.
Yet I sit here, having to fake it, show no emotion while I silently die inside. I’m finally able to whisper out, “Is he okay?”
A few others in the room suspiciously look my way. I keep my eyes on First Sergeant Thompson, waiting for him to say something to make this weight that’s keeping me from breathing go away.
“Yes, ma’am, I was able to wake him up and get him off the floor. He was a wreck, though, so needless to say, he didn’t come into work.”
“Has he shown up yet today?” I ask.
“Yes, he arrived on time today, and, from what I can tell, he’s not drunk, but doesn’t look much better than how I left him on Sunday.”
We finish our meeting, everyone agreeing to move forward with his discharge, and once I’m back to my office, I put out a request to have Airman Riley see me in my office.
