Worth Saving

by W. S. Greer

  “It’s not your fault, sweetie. I should’ve told him in the beginning. Who knows how things would’ve turned out between us, but at least I wouldn’t be sitting here feeling like this.”

  “Have you tried to call him since then?” Amanda asks.

  “Yeah. I went over to his house and talked to him, but he was still too upset to really wanna talk to me. He said some hurtful stuff, but he was right. I should’ve quit a long time ago. I’ve hated doing that shit since the first day Damien forced me into it. I was just too scared of what Damien might do, and I was too afraid of losing the money.”

  “I understand that,” Amanda says, while Marlene nods her head in agreement.

  “I know it’s a shitty thing to have to do,” Marlene adds, “but you can’t beat the money. Those girls make a lot of money down there, especially when you add in tips.”

  “Yeah, but you lose a lot more. I never really understood it until recently, but there’s nothing worth losing your dignity over. I know I’m not making a dime right now, and I’m spending money to pay for these classes, but I’ve never felt better about myself. At least I have my dignity and self-respect.”

  “Well, you learned a lot working at Red Pony, and at least you were able to save up a ton of money in the meantime. In a weird, twisted way, Red Pony is paying for you to go to school now. How about that? I bet Damien would love to hear about that,” Marlene jokes.

  “So, are you giving up on the whole Austin thing?” Amanda asks, just as the lanky waiter brings the food to our table. “I only ask because I remember how you were glowing back when you guys were still talking. I’ve never seen you smile so much.”

  I think about what it was like hanging out with Austin all those times. We really had some great times together with the basketball, and the painting, and the park, and even the walks we took together. Austin knew how to make any situation a pleasant one. As I think about him, an involuntary smile takes over my mouth.

  “Yeah,” I answer, still grinning. “Austin was great. I was always smiling because he always knew how to make me laugh. Some of the stuff he’d say was goofy as hell, but the way he’d say it would be hilarious. I can’t lie, ladies, I miss him.”

  “Maybe you should try to call him,” Marlene says. “It’s been a little while now, maybe he’s finally over his emotions and thinking a little more clearly. You never know.”

  “Yeah, and what if he’s not over it? It’s only been a few days, and I’m sure he’s busy with work. I don’t want to butt into his life.”

  “Girl, you’ve gotta get over that,” Amanda says. “I know me and Marlene have been together for a long time, so our situation is different, but if Marlene left me because I pissed her off, I’d give her a few days to get over it, and then I’d be blowing up her phone with calls. Not because I want to be annoying, but because I love her, and I’m not going down without a fight.”

  “Yeah, but me and Austin haven’t been together that long, and we never even labeled our relationship as ‘together.’ Plus, we’re not in love.”

  The two of them glance at each other for a second, then turn back to me.

  “You sure about that?” Amanda asks, tilting her head to the side.

  “What? Yes, I’m sure,” I answer, suddenly feeling defensive and emotional. “It’s only been, like, six or seven weeks, or something like that. That’s not long enough to fall in love with someone. Definitely not. No way. Nope.”

  They glance at each other again and smile like I’m not watching them.

  “I can see you, you know,” I snip. “Just what the hell are you two smiling at?”

  “Nothing,” Marlene answers with a shrug. “Nothing at all.”

  “Stop that!” I command.

  “Stop what?”

  “Stop that. Stop shrugging and making that face. We’re not in love. I see what you’re doing.”

  “Okay,” Marlene says, but it’s so disingenuous. “I believe you.”

  “Good!” I snap, unsure of why I’m so upset over it.

  “Okay. So anyway, are you gonna call him or what?” Amanda jumps in, while Marlene takes a bite of her food and covers her mouth to chew. Or at least that’s why I think she’s covering her mouth.

  I let out a loud sigh.

  “I don’t know. I do miss spending time with him.” I look down at the charm bracelet that adorns my wrist. Faith. Hope. Strength. “Austin was the one who saw me as a butterfly. He saw something in me I didn’t know was there until he told me it was. He has a lot to do with me being strong enough and brave enough to quit Red Pony. He’s the only guy I’ve ever trusted. But, I can’t beg him. I can’t force him to be with me.”

  “You’re right,” Marlene agrees. “You can’t force him. But, you can let him know how you feel about him. Does he really know? You’ve always been so guarded. Does he really know how you feel about him?”

  “I don’t know. I’ve never really thought about that.”

  “Well, that’s another reason why you should call him, right there. Maybe he just needs to know how you feel about him. You need to give it to him straight. No walls, no filter, no hiding anything. Just be completely honest with him, and if he still decides he doesn’t want to be with you, then there’s nothing more you can do about it, and you can move on. Nothing’s more comforting than knowing someone out there loves you.”

  I let everything Marlene says sink in for a moment. She’s right. I care too much about Austin to give up without at least one more, all-out attempt. Maybe he does just need to know how I feel. I need to tell him that . . . I slowly shift my eyes over to Marlene, who’s staring at me, grinning from ear to ear.

  “I don’t . . .” I begin, but she interrupts.

  “Whatever,” she says, with Amanda smiling right along with her. “Just call him. Tell him.”

  Austin

  “What’s up, Mr. Adrien, Attorney at Law?”

  “I’m kicking it, man. Just got back from the office. What took you so long to call me back?”

  “I’ve been busy. Stressed the hell out over here,” I reply as I sit down on my couch and rest a cup of vodka and Red Bull on the coffee table.

  “Yeah? How’s everything been since the accident?”

  “Fucking annoying. They stuck me in a cubicle because I can’t fly until I prove I’m not crazy and dangerous.”

  “Hey, ain’t nothing wrong with being crazy and dangerous. Crazy and dangerous is what makes me a good lawyer,” he says, chuckling to himself.

  “Yeah, tell that to the Air Force. They think crazy and dangerous means you’re gonna crash a helicopter full of people into the ground.”

  “Well, I guess they have a point then.”

  “Shut up,” I joke as I take my first sip of the drink and enjoy the sensation of the alcohol hitting my belly. “It’s been crazy, man. I’ve been having a little bit of a hard time, to be honest. I kinda wish you guys were still here. At least then we could go out, and I could take my mind off all this shit. All I do now is sit around and think about how fucked everything has become.”

  “Damn. I’m sorry to hear that, man. I wish we could’ve stayed, too, at least for a little while longer,” Jason replies. I can hear him shuffling around in his house as he settles in from a day at his firm. “I felt pretty fucking shitty having to get on the plane after all the shit we saw the night before. I knew you were gonna be fucked up, so I felt bad we had to leave you like that.”

  I let out a sigh. “Yeah, that sucked. I’ve talked to my mom a couple of times since then, and she’s tried to give me some advice, but I’m still in a rut.”

  “So, have you talked to Layla yet?”

  “Nah. She called earlier today, but I didn’t pick up.”

  “What? Why not?”

  “Because I don’t even know what to say. What the hell do you say to someone after you find out they’ve been lying to you about being a prostitute?”

  “Come on, man,” Jason barks. “Look, all of us were in complete sho
ck and really pissed off after we saw her that night. But, it’s been a while now, and the truth is, you two were fucking great together. And if I’m saying it, then you know it’s something serious. I could understand if she’d had a normal life growing up, and she just made a choice to work there and hide it from you, and she was still working there even after you found out. But, her situation is unique as hell, and you know that. You know how hard she had it growing up, and all that shit with her dad, and you told me yourself that her boss used to hit her just like her dad did. She was probably scared to leave, but then you said she told you she quit, right?”

  I rub my forehead with my fingers. “Yeah, she said she quit the same night we were there.”

  “Well, there you go,” Jason continues preaching. “She quit her job, man. If she loved it as much as you’ve been acting like she did, then she must love you more, because she gave it up for you. Maybe it’s just me, but I feel like that’s a big deal.”

  I lean back on the couch and sigh again, shaking my head. I hate when Jason’s right.

  “Look, man,” he continues. “It may not mean shit coming from me, but what I saw when I was there seemed like a good thing to have. All the stuff you told me about her, and the times we hung out together, it seemed legit to me. You had a real connection, man. And, it’s just my opinion, but knowing what you know about her life, and the fact that she quit her job for you, that should mean something. I mean, what have you given up for her? She quit her job, and who knows what her boss may have done when she did it. She quit, then begged you to understand her plight, but you chose not to. But, what have you given up for her?”

  “Come on, Jason, you know it’s not that simple,” I snip, sitting back up and leaning forward. “Okay, so she had a rough life, and she quit her job. But, what about all the guys she’s been with over the past four fucking years? Am I supposed to act like she wasn’t out there sleeping with all of Las Vegas?”

  “Alright, so she slept with some guys, and you slept with a ton of girls while you were at the academy and on your deployments. Why is it okay for you, but not for her? She was doing that shit for a living, you were doing it for fun. Which is worse?”

  “Fuck, but she was a prostitute!”

  “And you were a man-whore. You both fucked people before you met each other, but neither of you fucked anybody after you met. What more do you fucking want, Austin? That girl changed her life, bro. I think you’re making it more complicated than it has to be. Because, you know you want to be with her.”

  “Ugh. I don’t like it when you’re being all serious like this,” I jest. “When did you become a relationship counselor?”

  “I’m not,” he laughs. “I just call it like I see it, and I saw how happy you were when you guys were kicking it, and I see how sad you are now that you’re not. Let me just say that again; you were happy when you were together, and you’re all fucked up now that you’re not. You do the math.”

  “You sound just like my therapist.”

  “Well, maybe your therapist is a genius, just like me.”

  I laugh at Jason’s joke, then I take a swig of my drink. After I swallow, I keep thinking about everything he just said, and how it all makes sense, and I end up chugging the rest of the liquid down.

  “Look, I know you’ve got a lot to think about, and I’ve got a hot date, so I gotta let you go,” Jason says, behind a chuckle.

  “Damn, you always have a fucking hot date.”

  “Yes. Yes, I do. I’ll talk to you later, man. Call me if you need me. Oh, and just think about what I said. Alright?”

  “Okay. I will. I’m gonna get my ass in the bed. I’ll talk to you later.”

  “So how long you been with her?”

  “Seven months. I met her while I was in the academy.”

  “Well, that’s cool, Lieutenant,” I say as calmly as I can. The look on this guy’s face tells me he’s nervous. Exactly the kind of thing I don’t need. This isn’t the time or place for babysitting, but it’s in my best interest to make sure this newbie doesn’t lose his cool before we get there. It’s his first time out.

  “How about you, Captain?” he asks. I look down next to the controls and see his knee is bouncing rapidly like he’s trying to burp a baby.

  “Nah, none of that for me. Been off and on a little, but definitely more off than on. I don’t do serious. I just try to get mine and be on my way. Haven’t been in a rush for anything serious because I’m always out here doing this. I try to stay focused, because if you’re not focused, you make mistakes, and I can’t have that. Got too much at stake for distractions.”

  “You’re a fucking idiot.”

  I snap my head over in the lieutenant’s direction, surprised at what he just said to me.

  “What the fuck did you just say to me?”

  “You’re a fucking hypocrite, and you don’t deserve anything good anyway!” he screams. As I stare at him, I see blood starting to flow from a wound in his stomach I didn’t notice was there. The blood soaks through his uniform and starts to form a puddle beneath his feet.

  “Hey, what the hell happened to you?” I ask, my heart starting to pound.

  “Me? No, what the hell happened to you? You don’t deserve her, Austin.”

  Suddenly, Lieutenant Weston opens the door next to him and jumps out of the helicopter into the clouds below.

  “No! What the fuck?” I scream as I watch his body drop. “God dammit! What the hell did you do that for?” I scream. Then, as I face the front window, I’m surprised and horrified to see a giant brick wall right in front of me. “Fuck!” I yell, but it won’t matter. I try to maneuver the chopper, but it’s too late. I hit it head on, and the chopper explodes into flames.

  My body snaps to attention as I wake up. My breathing is hard and heavy, and I can feel sweat all over my body. I look around the room and find comfort in the fact that I’m not in a fucking helicopter, but I still feel scared. It’s two o’clock in the morning, and I don’t have anything to do tomorrow except go to the VA in the morning, so I don’t even think about the possibility of going back to sleep right now.

  I jump out of the bed, throw on some sweats, a long-sleeved shirt, and some flip flops, and rush out the door. When I get in the car, I drive aimlessly. I don’t even think about it, I just press my foot on the pedal and let the car drift to wherever it wants to go. The wind hits my face, and I turn my radio off so all I hear is the engine and the night air. I try to forget about the nightmare I just had, but something like that kind of sticks with you, so it’s easier said than done.

  Eventually, I make a turn onto a residential street. As I look around, everything looks pretty familiar, which makes me feel a little better. It’s Lily Street, the same street I used to walk on with Layla. I think about the walks we used to take together down this very road, and I smile to myself. I miss the times we used to have, and I honestly wish she was here to walk with me now. We never had to talk about what the actual problem was that led us to walking in the first place, but it was always good to have her there listening and laughing with me. She helped me let go of the pain, and I think I helped her let go of hers too. No matter how much I get upset over it, or how much I try to fight it off, I know Jason’s right. We were really great together.

  I park my car in the same place I did when I first saw her walking out here, and I get out. I stride across the street and casually walk down the sidewalk, taking the same route the two of us took so many weeks ago. I can see her apartment complex up the road, and I imagine her being here, smiling next to me. That gorgeous smile that’ll turn the worst nightmare into the sweetest dream. I miss that smile. I know she had walls I needed to get over, but I kind of miss the challenge of climbing and knowing I was making progress. I was almost at the top.

  “Austin?”

  I hear a voice call out. It’s the sweetest voice, and I recognize it immediately. I look up, and there stands Layla. I don’t know where she came from, and I don’t even care. It’s
just great to see her again.

  Austin

  She’s wearing a long gray sweater and thick leggings. Her hair is curled and her face is that of the most perfect angel I could imagine. It’s been a while since I’ve seen her, and it’s almost like I forgot how beautiful she is. My heart seems to remember though, because it speeds up like the tail of a happy puppy.

  Layla stands there staring me in the face, her head tilted, and she looks concerned, almost worried.

  “Hi, Austin,” she says in a low whisper, like saying it makes her sad.

  “Hey,” I reply. Over the past few days, I’ve been trying to go over in my head what I thought I’d say to her first, but now that she’s actually here, I don’t have a clue, and I’m sure I look as dumb as I feel, so I improvise. “What are you doing out here?”

  “I’ve actually been coming out here late at night for the past couple of nights, hoping I might see you on one of these walks, since you won’t answer my calls. Tonight was my lucky night, I guess. How have you been? You look . . . stressed,” she says. When she says “stressed,” she grimaces like the word hurts.

  “I’ve been better,” I answer honestly. “How about you?”

  “I’m doing okay, I guess.”

  “Just okay?”

  “Well, I quit my job and I’ve been going through all these online classes lately. Technically, I finished high school earlier today. My diploma is in the mail. I’m about to start more online classes though, so I can try to become a teacher later on.”

  “Wow,” I reply, raising my eyebrows. “That’s great. Sounds like you’re doing really well to me.”

  “Well, I’ve been better. I have these memories of all these things we used to do. I used to be able to take walks and talk about everything with you, and we used to have picnics in the park and get attacked by geese, and we used to play basketball together. Those memories are probably the best ones I have. So, since we’re not doing any of that stuff anymore, I’m just doing okay.”