Worth Saving

by W. S. Greer

  Her words hit me like a brick to the chest, and I’m not sure how to react. There’s a part of me that’s still prideful and dumb. I want to say I’m doing perfectly fine, and I’ve never been better, and I want to act all nonchalant like nothing bothers me because I’m me. I’m a man, and I’m unbreakable. But, that’s bullshit. Because the other side of me knows better. I miss Layla more than I thought I would, and the time I spent with her is something I’ll probably never forget. I want her around every day, and I want to talk to her, and kiss her, and be with her. I want her, and being with her makes me feel like everything else is easy. All the shit with my job is heavy, but she makes the load lighter, and I never acknowledged it until now. I took it for granted, and the fact that she’s standing here right now just lets me know how lucky I am. She could’ve left me alone after all the mean shit I said to her at my house. But, she’s here, and I’d be a fool to let her walk away again, because this time she might not come back.

  “I’m sorry, Layla,” I hear myself say. It comes out low and quiet, so I say it again to make sure she hears me. “I’m really sorry.”

  She squints at me and tilts her head. “What?” she says, sounding surprised.

  “I’m really sorry. I said a lot of shit to you that I shouldn’t have. I should’ve been more supportive, and I should’ve had your back, because I know how tough it must’ve been for you to tell me everything about your childhood. And I know it was even harder for you to trust me.

  “I’ve done a lot of thinking since the day we last talked, and I know I’ve been a bit of a hypocrite. I’m no saint, either. I’ve slept with a lot of those ‘desert queens’ on my tours, and never allowed anything serious to happen, so I have no room to judge you. Your life was unbelievably difficult, and mine never really has been. At least not until I stopped talking to you.

  “This PTSD that I have is a bitch, but there’s something about being with you that makes it all so much easier to deal with. When I’m with you, I don’t think about anything but you and that smile. When we’re apart, all I think about is when we’re gonna be together again. Your face occupies my mind, and my biggest desire every day is to have you with me. I want you there to laugh with me, and relax with me, and walk with me, and talk with me. I don’t give a fuck what we talk about. I just wanna talk with you. I want you around all the time, and I’m so sorry I tried to make you think otherwise. I was wrong for not being more supportive, and I’m sorry, Layla.”

  I see tears starting to gather in her eyes, but she has a smirk on her face that signals her oncoming smile.

  “I’m sorry I kept my job from you,” she says just as the tears start to flow. “But, I quit, and I’m not doing that anymore. I realize there’s other things out there I can do, and I’m working on that. I also realize I want to be with you, Austin. I’ve never felt like that about anybody. I’ve never wanted to be with anybody, but I want to be with you.”

  “Good,” I manage to say as I choke back my own tears. “So, do you forgive me for being an inconsiderate asshole?”

  She lets out a beautiful giggle. “As long as you forgive me for lying to you.”

  “I can definitely do that,” I say, then an idea comes to my head.

  I think about it for a second to make sure it’s what I really want to do, then I make my move. I drop down to one knee and take Layla by the hand. I see the charm bracelet decorating her wrist as I rub her skin with my fingers and look up at her.

  “Austin, what the hell are you doing?” she asks, her eyes bulging.

  “Layla Davison,” I begin. “Will you be my girlfriend?”

  Layla laughs, then wipes a falling tear away from her face.

  “You’re so crazy,” she says behind another giggle. “But, of course I will. But, there’s one more thing I need to say, and I need to say it now before I lose my nerve. And, I hope this doesn’t scare you off, but there’s something you have to know.”

  I scrunch my forehead in confusion as I wait for the bomb to be dropped. Please don’t let it be any more bad news. I can’t take anymore crazy shit.

  “I love you, Austin,” she says. “I’ve been denying it for a while now, because I’m terrified of it. I’m not even sure I want to, but I do. I love you, and that’s what drove me to be out here waiting for you the past three nights, like a psycho. Once I knew I was willing to wait out here for you, I knew I loved you and I couldn’t deny it anymore. So, I hope it’s not too much, but I had to say it. I love you.”

  I don’t want to be apart from her for another second, so I get up and pull her body into mine. We kiss, and it feels like it’s been years since the last time. Her soft lips press against mine and give them the most comfort they’ve ever had, and my body reacts in an instant. In one swoop, all the sadness I’ve been feeling is lifted out of me and I feel better. I feel more alive and there’s butterflies in my stomach. The fear I felt from my nightmare is gone, replaced by a new, uncharted version of joy.

  “I love you, too,” I finally manage to say when I’m able to pull my lips off hers. “It’s not too much for me, and I’m so glad you said it, because I’ve been thinking it. The connection we have is unlike anything I ever thought was possible. You’re so incredible, Layla, and I love the hell out of you.”

  We kiss again, and it’s even more passionate and long lasting than the first one. I’m sure cars are driving by with the drivers wondering what the hell is wrong with us, but we don’t care. The way we feel isn’t altered or distracted by what other people think. We’re in love, it’s official, and there’s no stopping that now.

  Layla and I walk down the street, all the way to her apartment. We hold hands the whole way, and it’s only for the second or third time, but it feels like we should’ve been doing it long ago. We don’t say much. She wraps both of her arms around one of mine as we walk, and clings to me like she never wants to let me go, which is perfect because I don’t want her to.

  Once we’re inside her apartment, the emotion takes over and I can’t keep my hands off her. The second she closes the door, I push her body against it and kiss her. Our tongues collide and create a symphony of passion as our hands connect and our fingers interlock above her head. Our breathing becomes heavy and I feel like we’re going to fog up the apartment as I lift her up and she wraps her legs around my waist. I carry her into the bedroom and both of us drop down onto the bed at the same time.

  I don’t think, I just let my hands go wherever they want to, and they find their home on her legs. There’s something about her thighs that drives me crazy. I rub between them and I can feel how hot she is for me as I tease her, grazing her inner thigh right next to where I know she wants me to touch her most. I slowly make my way down her body, kissing her as I go, until I reach her stomach. I lift her shirt up and then glide my tongue down the center of her stomach until I reach the top of her leggings.

  “Fuck, I missed you so fucking much, Layla,” I whisper to her as I slide her leggings off and toss them on the floor.

  I take a second to admire her. Everything about her is beautiful. Every inch of her skin, and everything on the inside too. She’s perfection to me.

  “You’re so fucking gorgeous. I love you, Layla,” I say, and she smiles at me.

  “I love you, Austin,” she replies, then she reaches up and pulls me down to her.

  There isn’t anything else I need. I have it all right now. I know there’s things both of us are still working on, and I know there will still be bumps in the road, but that’s all they’ll be. There’s no more walls or mountains to climb, there’s just the small bumps on the road to our happiness.

  Layla

  I open my eyes to the morning sun, and I feel like everything looks different today. The sun’s a little brighter, the air a little clearer and easier to breathe, my eyes see the room with more clarity. Last night was unbelievable, and it honestly doesn’t even feel real. I can’t believe that after all we’ve been through over the past week, Austin and I found our way ba
ck to each other.

  There was a part of me that was starting to think it wouldn’t happen. He was so upset the last time we spoke, but I guess Marlene was right, he just needed some time. I think deep down, he felt just like me. We both knew the situation was crazy and that I was wrong in not telling him, but in the end, when you care about someone, you forgive them. Forgiveness is so much more important than holding on to the pain, because the time we spent together meant too much to us. We had too much fun and too much in common to just let go of this. You don’t give up on that kind of connection so easily.

  So, after I had a deep conversation with Marlene and Amanda, I gave Austin a call that night. He didn’t answer, which was the norm, so I started looking out for him on the street we used to walk on. Maybe it was just a hunch, but one of the things we had in common was the fact that we were night owls. I was always getting off late from work, and he admitted he had problems going to sleep at night so he liked to drive around. I guess I was just waiting for one of those fluke situations where he might not be able to sleep, hoping I’d run into him. As fate would have it—if I believe in such a thing—on my third night of waiting for him, he showed up. If I did believe in fate, this would be a moment I’d hold onto as evidence, because I really got lucky.

  After seeing him, I knew I was making the right decision by fighting for us. Even though he still didn’t quite look like the bright, shiny, Austin I knew before all the drama, he was still Austin, and I still adored him. Being with him again last night was even better than the first time, and I know everything’s going to be okay. I can feel it in my bones, and my face must know it too, because I can’t stop smiling.

  I pull myself out of bed and turn to look down at Austin, but he isn’t there. In his place on the pillow, is a handwritten note on a yellow piece of paper. I tilt my head when I see it, hoping it isn’t some sort of bad news, then I pick it up and find out.

  Layla,

  Sorry I had to leave you in bed alone this morning. I wanted to stay, but I have an appointment at the Department of Veteran’s Affairs. You looked so gorgeous sleeping, I didn’t want to wake you.

  I have to meet my new therapist today and go over all the shit that happened in the desert again, which would normally make me feel like crap, but not today. Today feels different, and I think that’s because of you.

  When we first met, we were both lost. It was written in our eyes when we first saw each other. My past haunted me, your present haunted you. I could see you were aching, yet trying to bury the pain deep down so no one would know, but it was there. I saw it. I saw you.

  I thought you needed me to swoop in and save the day; to be your hero, your knight in shining armor that would ride in and rescue you from the torment. And something inside drove me to a place I’d never been before. A place where it didn’t matter how stacked the odds were, because nothing would stand between us. Nothing would stand in the way of me being the savior you needed me to be, and I’d go to hell and back to protect you. I thought you needed me, but I was wrong.

  It’s me who needs you. I need your heart next to mine in order to get over what I’ve been through, and to push through the obstacles that are in our way now. It won’t be easy. It’ll be the hardest thing either of us has ever had to endure, but as long as we make it through together, it’ll all be worth it, because you’re worth every bit of the struggle. It’s because of you that I can stare death in the face and not feel the slightest hint of fear. You make it all okay. You’re worth it. You’re worth saving.

  -Captain Austin Sloan, USAF-

  When I finish reading the letter, I place it back on the pillow and turn to walk away. When I take my first step, I realize I have tears in my eyes and I have to wipe one away as it falls down my cheek. I’m obviously not upset, it’s just that I’ve never known anyone who cared about me in the way Austin does. Reading those words was a whole new sensation, a whole new realm for me, a completely different level of surreal. I find it strange that someone could genuinely care for me in that way.

  As I get dressed, there’s something in my heart that has never been there before. I never wanted to label it before, but I know what it is. I know I love him, and even though I’m still a little afraid of it, it also feel phenomenal. I spend the next hour getting ready in a euphoric bliss, even catching myself smiling in the mirror as I apply my makeup. I toss on a light white sweater and some jeans for the day, and throw on some white heels to top it off. After I make some coffee for myself, I get a text from Austin, telling me he’s done with therapy and hoping to spend time with me. Of course, I tell him I’d love to, but I need to go by Red Pony one last time to pick up my last check.

  Austin: Would you mind if I went with you?

  Me: Of course not. I’d prefer it, actually.

  Austin: Great. I’m on my way.

  About fifteen minutes later, I hear Austin knocking on my door. I grab my purse off the counter and find him already smiling at me when I open the door. He must’ve gone back to his house to change, because he’s wearing different clothes—a thick, red shirt and black pants—and he’s completely clean shaven, but just as handsome as ever.

  “Good morning,” he says, still beaming.

  “Morning,” I reply. “How did it go at the VA?”

  “It was okay. Better than I thought it was gonna be.”

  I close the door behind me and we head down to the car. “I got your note. It was so sweet, Austin. Thanks so much.”

  He smiles at me and places his hand on the small of my back. “No need to thank me. It was all the truth. I’m a pretty crappy writer, but that was easy to write because I meant it.”

  I stop walking, and he stops with me.

  “You okay?” he asks. “Forget something?”

  I place my hand on his chest, and lean in to kiss him. Our lips touch and it has more of an effect on my body than the coffee did. I feel alive by the touch of him, and his sweet, masculine scent is the icing on the cake.

  “No,” I say when we pull away. “I just really wanted to do that. Okay, we can go now.”

  Austin smiles at me and leads me down the car. We get inside and start to make our way to Red Pony. It feels awkward going there with Austin next to me. I’m sure it feels strange to him, too. I also feel a little afraid. This little visit should only a take a second, just long enough for me to grab a piece of paper and walk away, but Red Pony is anything but normal. I didn’t call to see if Damien or David was there, hopefully it’s just David, but I wouldn’t bet on having that much luck.

  I’m nervous about going, but I’m excited this is the last time. I get to use this moment as my last memory of Red Pony and all the crap I had to do while I worked there. It’s a chapter in my life I get to close, and then I get to open up a much less crappy new chapter. A chapter where I’m doing things I actually want to do, with a person that makes me happy and cares about me just as much as I care about him. It’ll suck not working with Marlene anymore, but we’re best friends anyway, and that won’t change, no matter what.

  When we pull into the parking lot, I automatically start looking for Damien’s car. It’s kind of a habit at this point. I remember always hoping he wouldn’t be there when I showed up for my shift, and I can still feel the bitter disappointment of seeing his car as I parked. This time, however, there’s no such disappointment. Austin parks and Damien’s car is nowhere to be found.

  “Okay, I’ll be right back,” I turn and say to Austin, but he looks concerned.

  “You sure you don’t want me to go with you?” he asks as he places his hand on the lever to open the door.

  “Nah, I’ll be fine. I’m only going in to grab the check, so it’ll only be a second. Plus, Damien’s car isn’t even here, only David’s. So, I’ll be right back, okay?”

  My words don’t seem to appease him much, but he lets out a sigh and tries to relax. I smile at him and open the door.

  Inside, the place is completely empty. No one’s at the upstairs bar because
Marlene hasn’t come in yet, and there’s no one on the poles. The place just opened for the day, but it’s only a little after one, so nobody’s here yet.

  I make my way downstairs to find one customer sitting in a booth in the corner. He has one of the available girls sitting with him. I can tell she’s trying to make him happy, but the guy looks preoccupied with his phone. I ignore them and head to David’s office. He’s sitting in his big leather chair, his shoulders wide and his head shiny bald. When I knock on the door jamb, he spins around to look at me.

  “You’re back,” he growls. He’s always been the nicer of the two brothers, but he doesn’t look happy to see me.

  “I’m not back, actually,” I reply. “I just came to pick up my last check.”

  “Oh yeah. I figured you’d want that.” He turns around and opens up a file cabinet. It only takes him a second to find my check and hand it to me. “You sure you want to quit? I talked to Damien about all the shit he was on before; all the violence. We’re done with that shit here. I told him if he ever put his hands on another one of our girls, I’d kick his ass and run the business by myself. So, if you stay, you won’t have to worry about any of that.”

  I force myself to smile, but only because David’s a decent guy, not because I’m interested in anything he’s saying.

  “I appreciate that, David, I really do,” I begin. “But, I think I’ve just outgrown this place. I started here when I was a kid—only seventeen years old. I’m twenty-two now, and I’m about to start taking college classes so I can start a career someday soon. So, I just gotta go. But, you should keep doing what you’re doing. The girls who work here deserve to work in peace. It’s hard enough doing what the job requires on a regular basis. They need your protection, and they’ll appreciate it, too.”

  He nods his head and gives me a half-smile.

  “Okay. I’ll keep that in mind,” he says, then he extends his hand. “Good luck with whatever you do, Layla. I mean that.”