The Secret Dreamworld of a Shopaholic

by Sophie Kinsella

  'Eleven o'clock the programme starts,' says Dad. 'Set the video for five too, that's what I've been telling people.'

  'That's what we'll do,' says Janice. 'Just in case.' She gives a little sigh. 'I shan't dare to go to the loo, all morning, just in case I miss it!'

  There's an awed silence as I get into the car. The driver closes the door smartly, then walks around to the driver's door. I press the button to lower my window and grin out at Mum and Dad.

  'Becky, darling, what will you do afterwards?' says Mum. 'Come back here or go back to the flat?'

  Immediately I feel my smile falter, and look down, pretending to fiddle with the window controls. I don't want to think about afterwards.

  In fact, I can't even visualize afterwards. I'm going to be on the telly… and that's as far as it goes. The rest of my life is shut securely away in a box at the back of my head and I don't want to remember it's there.

  'I … I'm not sure,' I say. 'I'll see what happens.'

  'They'll probably take you out to lunch afterwards,' says Dad knowledgeably. 'These showbiz types are always having lunch with each other.'

  'Liquid lunches,' puts in Janice, and gives a little laugh.

  'At the Ivy,' says Mum. 'That's where all the actors meet up, isn't it?'

  'The Ivy's old hat!' retorts Dad. 'They'll take her to the Groucho Club.'

  'The Groucho Club!' says Janice, clasping her hands. 'Isn't that where Kate Moss goes?'

  This is getting ridiculous.

  'We'd better go,' I say, and the driver nods.

  'Good luck, sweetheart,' calls Dad. I close the window and lean back, and the car purrs out of the drive.

  For a while, we drive in silence. I keep casually glancing out of the window to see if anyone's looking at me in my chauffeur-driven car and wondering who I am (that new girl on EastEnders, perhaps). Although we're whizzing along the dual carriageway so fast, I probably look like a blur.

  'So,' says the driver after a while. 'You're appearing on Morning Coffee, are you?'

  'Yes, I am,' I say, and immediately feel a joyful smile plaster itself over my face. God, I must stop this. I bet Jeremy Paxman doesn't start grinning inanely every time someone asks him if he's appearing on University Challenge. He probably just gives a little sneer, as if to say Of course I'm appearing on University Challenge, you brainless little…

  'So what're you on for?' says the driver, interrupting my thoughts.

  I'm about to reply, 'To be famous and maybe get some free clothes' when I realize what he means.

  'A financial story,' I say coolly. 'I wrote a piece in the Daily World, and the producers read it, and wanted me on the show.'

  'Been on television before?'

  'No,' I admit, slightly reluctantly. 'No, I haven't.'

  We pull up at some lights and the driver turns round in his seat to survey me.

  'You'll be fine,' he says. 'Just don't let the nerves get to you.'

  'Nerves?' I say, and give a little laugh. 'I'm not nervous! I'm just… looking forward to it.'

  'Glad to hear it,' says the driver, turning back. 'You'll be OK, then. Some people, they get onto that sofa, thinking they're fine, relaxed, happy as a sandboy… then they see that red light, and it hits them that million people around the country are all watching them. Makes some people start to panic. Don't know why.'

  'Oh,' I say after a slight pause. 'Well… I'm nothing like them! I'll be fine!'

  'Good,' says the driver.

  'Good,' I echo, a little less certainly, and look out of the window.

  I'll be fine. Of course I will. I've never been nervous in my life before, and I'm certainly not going to start…

  2.5 million people.

  Gosh. When you think about it – that is quite a lot, isn't it? 2.5 million people, all sitting at home, staring at the screen. Staring at my face. Waiting for what I'm going to say next.

  Oh God. OK, don't think about it. The important thing is just to keep remembering how well prepared I am. I rehearsed for ages in front of the mirror last night and I know what I'm going to say practically by heart.

  It all has to be at a very basic and simple level, Zelda said – because apparently 76 per cent of the Morning Coffee audience are housewives looking after toddlers, who have very short attention spans. She kept apologizing for what she called the 'dumbing down effect' and saying a financial expert like myself must feel really frustrated by it – and of course, I agreed with her.

  But to be honest, I'm quite relieved. In fact, the more dumbed-down the better, as far as I'm concerned. I mean, writing a Daily World article with all my notes to hand was one thing, but answering tricky questions on live TV is quite another. (A scary thought, actually – not that I told Zelda that. I don't want her to think I'm a total durr-brain.)

  So anyway, I'm going to start off by saying, 'If you were offered a choice between a carriage clock and ?20,000, which would you choose?' Rory or Emma will reply: '?20,000, of course!' and I'll say, 'Exactly. Twenty thousand pounds'. I'll pause briefly, to let that figure sink into the audience's mind – and then I'll say, 'Unfortunately, when Flagstaff Life offered their customers a carriage clock to transfer their savings, they didn't tell them that if they did so, they would lose a ?20,000 windfall!'

  That sounds quite good, don't you think? Rory and Emma will ask a few very easy questions like 'What can people do to protect themselves?', and I'll give nice simple answers. And right at the end, just to keep it light, we're going to talk about all the different things you could buy with ?20,000.

  Actually, that's the bit I'm looking forward to most of all. I've already thought of loads of things. Did you know, with ?20,000 you could buy fifty-two Gucci watches, and have enough left over for a bag?

  The Morning Coffee studios are in Maida Vale, and as we draw near to the gates, familiar from the opening credits of the show, I feel a dart of excitement. I'm actually here. I'm actually going to be on television!

  The doorman waves us through the barrier; we pull up outside a pair of huge double doors, and the driver opens the door for me. As I get out my legs are shaking slightly, but I force myself to walk confidently up the steps, into the reception hall, and up to the desk.

  'I'm here for Morning Coffee,' I say, and give a little laugh as I realize what I've just said. 'I mean…' 'I know what you mean,' says the receptionist, kindly but wearily. She looks my name up on a list, jabs a number into her phone, and says, 'Jane? Rebecca Bloomwood's here.' Then she gestures to a row of squashy chairs and says, 'Someone will be with you shortly.'

  I walk over to the seating area and sit down opposite a middle-aged woman with lots of wild dark hair and a big amber necklace round her neck. She's lighting up a cigarette, and even though I don't really smoke any more, I suddenly feel as though I could do with one myself.

  Not that I'm nervous or anything. I just fancy a cigarette.

  'Excuse me,' calls the receptionist. 'This is a no smoking area.'

  'Damn,' says the woman in a raspy voice. She takes a long drag, then stubs the cigarette out on a saucer and smiles at me conspiratorially. 'Are you a guest on the show?' she says.

  'Yes,' I say. 'Are you?'

  The woman nods. 'Promoting my new novel, Blood Red Sunset.' She lowers her voice to a thrilling throb. 'A searing tale of love, greed and murder, set in the ruthless world of South American money launderers.'

  'Gosh,' I say. 'That sounds really-'

  'Let me give you a copy,' interrupts the woman. She reaches into a Mulberry holdall by her side and pulls out a vividly coloured hardback book. 'Remind me of your name?'

  Remind her?

  'It's Rebecca,' I say. 'Rebecca Bloomwood.'

  'To Becca,' the woman says aloud, as she scrawls inside the front page. 'With love and great affection.'

  She signs with a flourish and hands the book to me.

  'Gosh,' I say. 'Thanks…' quickly I look at the cover 'Elisabeth.'

  Elisabeth Plover. To be honest, I've never heard of her.<
br />
  'I expect you're wondering how I came to know such a lot about such a violent, dangerous world,' says Elisabeth. She leans forward and gazes at me with huge green eyes. 'The truth is, I lived with a money launderer for three long months. I loved him, I learned from him… and then I betrayed him.' Her voice dies to a trembling whisper. 'I still remember the look he gave me as the police dragged him away. He knew what I'd done. He knew I was his Judas Iscariot. And yet, in a strange kind of way, I think he loved me for it.'

  'Wow,' I say, impressed in spite of myself. 'Did all this happen in South America?'

  'Have,' she says, after a slight pause. 'But money launderers are the same the world over.'

  'Rebecca?' says a voice, before I can think of a reply to this, and we both look up to see a girl with smooth dark hair, in jeans and a black polo-neck, walking swiftly towards us. 'I'm Zelda. We spoke yesterday?'

  'Zelda!' exclaims Elisabeth, getting to her feet. 'How have you been, my darling?' She holds out her arms, and Zelda stares at her.

  'I'm sorry,' she says, 'have we…' She stops as her gaze falls on my copy of Blood Red Sunset. 'Oh yes, that's right. Elisabeth Plummer. One of the researchers will be down for you a minute. Meanwhile, do help yourself to coffee.' She flashes her a smile, then turns to me. 'Rebecca, are you ready?'

  'Yes!' I say eagerly, leaping up from my chair. (I have to admit, I feel quite flattered that Zelda's come down to get me herself. I mean, she obviously doesn't come down for everyone.)

  'Great to meet you,' says Zelda, shaking my hand. 'Great to have you on the show. Now, as usual, we're completely frantic – so if it's OK by you, I thought we'd just head straight off to hair and makeup and we can talk on the way.'

  'Absolutely,' I say, trying not to sound too excited. 'Good idea.'

  Hair and makeup! This is so cool!

  'There's been a slight change of plan which I need to fill you in on,' says Zelda. 'Nothing to worry about…

  Any word from Belle yet?' she adds to the receptionist.

  The receptionist shakes her head, and Zelda mutters something which sounds like 'Stupid cow'.

  'OK, let's go,' she says, heading off towards a pair of swing doors. 'I'm afraid it's even more crazy than usual today. One of our regulars has let us down, so we're searching for a replacement, and there's been an accident in the kitchen…' She pushes through the swing doors and now we're striding along a green-carpeted corridor buzzing with people. 'Plus we've got Heaven Sent 7 in today,' she adds over her shoulder. 'Which means the switchboard gets jammed with fans calling in, and we have to find dressing-room space for seven enormous egos.'

  'Right,' I say nonchalantly. But suddenly I can't quite breathe. Heaven Sent 7? But I mean… they're really famous! And I'm appearing on the same show as them! I'll get to meet them and everything, won't I? Maybe we'll all go out 'for a drink afterwards and become really good friends. They're all a bit younger than me, but that won't matter. I'll be like their older sister.

  Or maybe I'll go out with one of them! God, yes. That nice one with the dark hair. Nathan. (Or is it Ethan? Whatever he's called.) He'll catch my eye after the show, and quietly ask me out to dinner without the others. We'll go to some tiny little restaurant, and at first it'll be all quiet and discreet, but then the press will find out and we'll become one of those really famous couples who go to premieres all the time. And I'll wear…

  'OK, here we are,' says Zelda, and I look up dazedly.

  We're standing in the doorway of a room lined with mirrors and spotlights. Three people are sitting in chairs in front of the mirrors, wearing capes and having makeup applied by trendy-looking girls in jeans; another is having her hair blow-dried. Music is playing in the background, there's a friendly level of chatter, and in the air are the mingled scents of hairspray, face powder and coffee.

  It's basically my idea of heaven.

  'So,' says Zelda, leading me towards a girl with red hair. 'Chloe will do your makeup, and then we'll pop you along to wardrobe. OK?'

  'Fine,' I say, unable to stop a delighted grin spreading over my face as I take in Chloe's collection of makeup. There's about a zillion brushes, pots and tubes littered over the counter in front of us, all really good brands like Chanel and MAC.

  God, what a great job. I always knew I should have become a makeup artist.

  'Now, about your slot,' continues Zelda as I sit down on a swivel chair. 'As I say, we've gone for a rather different format from the one we talked about previously…'

  'Zelda!' comes a man's voice from outside. 'Bella's on the line for you!'

  'Oh shit,' says Zelda. 'Look, Rebecca, I've got to go and take this call, but I'll come back as soon as I can. OK?'

  'Fine!' I say happily, as Chloe drapes a cape round me and pulls my hair back into a wide towelling band. In the background, the radio's playing my favourite song by Lenny Kravitz. This couldn't be more perfect.

  'I'll just cleanse and tone, and then give you a base,' says Chloe. 'If you could shut your eyes…'

  I close my eyes, and after a few seconds, feel a cool, creamy liquid being massaged into my face. It's the most delicious sensation in the world. I could sit here all day.

  'So,' says Chloe after a while. 'What are you on the show for?'

  'Errm.. finance,' I say vaguely. 'A piece on finance.'

  To be honest, I'm feeling so relaxed, I can hardly remember what I'm doing here.

  'Oh yeah,' says Chloe, efficiently smoothing foundation over my face. 'They were talking earlier about some financial thing.' She reaches for a palette of eye shadows, blends a couple of colours together, then picks up a brush. 'So, are you a financial expert, then?'

  'Well,' I say, and give a modest little shrug. 'You know. '

  'Wow,' says Chloe, starting to apply eyeshadow to my eyelids. 'I don't understand the first thing about money.'

  Me neither!' chimes in a dark-haired girl from across the room. 'My accountant's given up trying to explain it all to me. As he says the word "tax-year", my mind glazes over.'

  I'm about to reply sympathetically, The too!' and launch into a nice girly chat. But just in time I realize that might not sound too good. I am supposed to be a financial expert, after all.

  'It's all quite simple, really,' I say instead, and flash a confident little smile. 'Once you get the hang of the three basic principles.'

  'Really?' says the dark-haired girl, and pauses, hair drier in hand. 'What are they, then?'

  'Oh,' I say, clearing my throat. 'Erm, well, the first one is…' I pause, and rub my nose. God, my mind's completely blank.

  'Sorry, Rebecca,' says Chloe, 'I'm going to have to interrupt.' Thank goodness for that. 'Now, I was thinking a raspberry red for the lips. Is that OK by you?'

  What with all this chatting, I haven't really been paying attention to what she's been doing to my face. But as I look at my reflection properly, I can't quite believe it. My eyes are huge; I've suddenly got amazing cheekbones… honestly, I look like a different person. Why on earth don't I wear makeup like this every day?

  'Wow!' I breathe. 'That's fantastic!'

  'It's easier because you're so calm,' observes Chloe, reaching into a black vanity case. 'We get some people in here, really trembling with nerves. Even celebrities. We can hardly do their makeup.'

  'Really?' I say, and lean forward, ready to hear some insider gossip. But Zelda's voice interrupts us.

  'Sorry about that, Rebecca!' she exclaims. 'Right, how are we doing? Makeup looks good. What about hair?'

  'It's nicely cut,' says Chloe, picking up a few strands of my hair and dropping them back down again, just like Nicky Clarke on a makeover. 'I'll just give it a blow-dry for sheen.'

  'Fine,' says Zelda. 'And then we'll get her along to wardrobe.' She glances at something on her clipboard, then sits down on a swivel chair next to me. 'OK, so Rebecca, we need to talk about your item.'

  'Excellent,' I say, matching her businesslike tone. 'Well, I've prepared it all just as you wanted. Really simple and st
raightforward.'

  'Yup,' says Zelda. 'Well, that's the thing. We had a talk at the meeting yesterday, and you'll be glad to hear, we don't need it too basic, after all.' She smiles. 'You'll be able to get as technical as you like! Graphs … figures…'

  'Oh right,' I say, taken aback. 'Well… good! That's great! Although I might still keep it fairly low-'

  'We want to avoid talking down to the audience. I mean, they're not morons!' Zelda lowers her voice slightly. 'Plus we had some new audience research in yesterday – and apparently 80 per cent feel patronized by some or all of the show's content. Basically, we need to redress that balance. So we've had a complete change of plan for your item!' She beams at me. 'What we thought is, instead of a simple interview, we'd have more of a high-powered debate.'

  'A high-powered debate?' I echo, trying not to sound as alarmed as I feel.

  'Absolutely!' says Zelda. 'What we want is a really heated discussion! Opinions flying, voices raised. That kind of thing.'

  Opinions? But I don't have any opinions.

  'So is that OK?' says Zelda, frowning at me. 'You look a bit-'

  'I'm fine!' I force myself to smile brightly. 'Just… looking forward to it! A high-powered debate. Great!' I clear my throat. 'And… and who will I be debating with?'

  'A representative from Flagstaff Life,' says Zelda triumphantly. 'Head-to-head with the enemy. It'll make great television!'

  'Zelda!' comes a voice from outside the room. 'Bella again!'

  'Oh, for Christ's sake!' says Zelda, leaping up.

  'Rebecca, I'll be back in a sec.'

  'Fine,' I manage. 'See you in a minute.'

  'OK,' says Chloe cheerfully. 'While she's gone, let me put on that lipstick.' She reaches for a long brush and begins to paint in my lips, and I stare at my reflection, trying to keep calm; trying not to panic. But my heart's thumping hard and my throat's so tight, I can't swallow. I've never felt so frightened in all my life. I can't talk in a high-powered debate! I just can't do it. I don't have any opinions, I don't have any facts, I don't know anything…

  Oh God, why did I ever want to be on television?

  'Rebecca, could you try to keep your lips still?' says Chloe with a puzzled frown. 'They're really shaking.'