The Secret Dreamworld of a Shopaholic

by Sophie Kinsella

  'Sorry,' I whisper, staring at my reflection like a frozen rabbit. She's right, I'm trembling all over. Oh God, this is no good. I've got to calm down. Think Zen.

  Think happy thoughts.

  In an effort to distract myself, I focus on the reflection in the mirror. In the background I can see Zelda standing in the corridor, talking into a phone with a furious expression on her face.

  'Yup,' I can hear her saying curtly. 'Yup. But the point is, Bella, we pay you a retainer to be available.

  What the fuck am I supposed to do now?' She looks up, sees someone, and lifts a hand in greeting. 'OK, Bella, I do see that…'

  A blond woman and two men appear in the corridor, and Zelda nods to them apologetically. I can't see their faces, but they're all wearing smart overcoats and holding briefcases, and one of the men has a folder bulging with papers. The blond woman's coat is rather nice, I find myself thinking. And she's got a ponyskin Fendi baguette. I wonder who she is.

  'Yup,' Zelda's saying. 'Yup. Well, if you can suggest an alternative phone-in subject…'

  She raises her eyebrows at the blond woman, who shrugs and turns away to look at a poster on the wall. And as she does so, my heart nearly stops dead. Because I recognize her. It's Alicia. It's Alicia from Brandon Communications, standing five yards away from me.

  I almost want to laugh at the incongruity of it. What's she doing here? What's Alicia Bitch Long-legs doing here, for God's sake?

  One of the men turns round to say something to her – and as I see his face, I think I recognize him, too. He's another one of the Brandon C lot, isn't he? One of those young, eager, baby-faced types, But what on earth are they all doing here? What's going on? Surely it can't be-

  They can't all be here because

  No. Oh no. Suddenly I feel rather cold.

  'Luke!' comes Zelda's voice from the corridor, and my stomach starts to churn. 'So glad you could make it. We always love having you on the show. You know, I had no idea you represented Flagstaff Life, until Sandy said…'

  In the mirror, I can see my face draining of colour.

  This isn't happening. Please tell me this isn't happening.

  'The journalist who wrote the piece is already here,' Zelda's saying, 'and I've primed her on what's happening. I think it's going to make really great television, the two of you arguing away!'

  She starts moving down the corridor, and in the mirror I see Alicia and the eager young man begin to follow her. Then the third overcoated man starts to come into view. And although my stomach's churning painfully, I can't stop myself. I slowly turn my head as he passes the door.

  I meet Luke Brandon's grave, dark eyes and he meets mine, and for a few still seconds, we just stare at each other. Then abruptly he looks away and strides off down the corridor. And I'm left, gazing helplessly at my painted reflection, feeling sick with panic.

  POINTS FOR TELEVISION INTERVIEW

  SIMPLE AND BASIC FINANCIAL ADVICE

  1. Prefer clock/twenty grand? Obvious.

  2. Flagstaff Life ripped off innocent customers. Beware.

  Ermm..

  3. Always be very careful with your money.

  4. Don't put it all in one investment but diversify.

  5. Don't lose it by mistake

  6. Don't

  THINGS YOU CAN BUY WITH Ј20,000

  1. Nice car eg small BMW

  2. Pearl and diamond necklace from Asprey's plus big diamond ring

  3. 3 couture evening dresses eg from John Galliano

  4. Steinway grand piano

  5. 5 gorgeous leather sofas from the Conran shop

  6. 52 Gucci watches, plus bag

  7. Flowers delivered every month for forty-two years

  8. 55 pedigree… labrador puppies

  9. 80 cashmere jumpers

  10. 666 Wonderbras

  11. 454 pots Helena Rubinstein moisturizer

  12. 800 bottles of champagne

  13. 2,860 Fiorentina pizzas

  14. 15,384 tubes of Pringles

  15. 90,909 packets of Polos

  Twenty

  By 11.25 I'm sitting on a brown upholstered chair in the green room. I'm dressed in a midnight-blue Jasper Conran suit, sheer tights and a pair of suede high heels.

  What with my makeup and blown-dry hair, I've never looked smarter in my life. But I can't relish my appearance. I can't enjoy any of it. All I can think of is the fact that in fifteen minutes, I've got to sit on a sofa and discuss high-powered finance with Luke Brandon on live television.

  The very thought of it makes me feel like crying. Or laughing. I mean, it's like some kind of sick joke. Luke Brandon against me. Luke Brandon, with his genius IQ and bloody photographic memory – against me. He'll walk all over me. He'll massacre me.

  'Darling, have a croissant,' says Elisabeth Plover, who's sitting opposite me, munching a pain au chocolat. 'They're simply sublime. Every bite like a ray of golden Provencal sun.'

  'No thanks,' I say. 'I… I'm not really hungry.'

  I don't understand how she can eat. I honestly feel as though I'm about to throw up at any moment. How on earth do people appear on television every day? How does Fiona Phillips do it? No wonder they're all so thin.

  'Coming up!' comes Rory's voice from the television monitor in the corner of the room, and both our heads automatically swivel round to see the screen filled with a picture of a beach at sunset. 'What is it like, to live with a gangster and then, risking everything, betray him? Our next guest has written an explosive novel based on her dark and dangerous background…'

  '… And we introduce a new series of in-depth discussions,' chimes in Emma. The picture changes to one of pound coins raining onto the floor, and my stomach gives a nasty flip. 'Morning Coffee turns the spotlight on the issue of financial scandal, with two leading industry experts coming head-to-head in debate.'

  Is that me? Oh God, I don't want to be a leading industry expert. I want to go home and have a nice cup of tea.

  'But first!' says Rory cheerily. 'Scott Robertson's getting all fired up in the kitchen.'

  The picture switches abruptly to a man in a chef's hat grinning and brandishing a blow-torch. I stare at him for a few moments, then look down again, clenching my hands tightly in my lap. I can't quite believe that soon it'll be me up on that screen. Sitting on the sofa. Trying to think of something intelligent to say.

  To distract myself, I unscrew my crappy piece of A4 paper for the thousandth time and read through my paltry notes. Maybe it won't be so bad, I find myself thinking hopefully, as my eyes circle the same few sentences again and again. Maybe I'm worrying about nothing. We'll probably keep the whole thing at the level of a casual chat. Keep it simple and friendly. After all…

  'Good morning, Rebecca,' comes a voice from the door. Slowly I look up – and as I do so, I feel my heart sink. Luke Brandon is standing in the doorway. He's wearing an immaculate dark suit, his hair is shining, and his face is bronze with makeup. And there isn't an ounce of friendliness in his face. His jaw is tight; his eyes are hard and businesslike. As they meet mine, they don't even flicker.

  For a few moments we gaze at each other without speaking. I can hear my heart beating loudly in my ears; my face feels hot beneath all the makeup. Then, summoning all my inner resources, I force myself to say calmly,

  'Hello, Luke.'

  There's an interested silence as he walks into the room. Even Elisabeth Plover seems intrigued by him.

  'I know that face,' she says, leaning forward. 'I know it. You're an actor, aren't you? Shakespearian, of course. I believe I saw you in Lear three years ago.'

  'I don't think so,' says Luke shortly.

  'You're right!' says Elisabeth, slapping the table. 'It was Hamlet. I remember it well. The desperate pain, the guilt, the final tragedy…' She shakes her head solemnly. 'I'll never forget that voice of yours. Every word was like a stab wound.'

  'I'm sorry to hear it,' says Luke eventually, and looks at me. 'Rebecca-'

  'Luke, here ar
e the final figures,' interrupts Alicia, hurrying into the room and handing him a piece of paper. 'Hello, Rebecca,' she adds, giving me a snide look. 'All prepared?'

  'Yes, I am, actually,' I say, crumpling my A4 paper into a ball in my lap. 'Very well prepared.'

  'Glad to hear it,' says Alicia, raising her eyebrows. 'It should be an interesting debate.'

  'Yes,' I say defiantly. 'Very.'

  God she's a cow.

  'I've just had John from Flagstaff on the phone,' adds Alicia to Luke in lowered voice. 'He was very keen that you should mention the new Foresight Savings Series. Obviously, I told him-'

  'This is a damage limitation exercise,' says Luke curtly. 'Not a bloody plug-fest. He'll be bloody lucky if he…' He glances at me and I look away as though I'm not remotely interested in what he's talking about. Casually I glance at my watch and feel a leap of fright as I see the time. Ten minutes. Ten minutes to go.

  'OK,' says Zelda, coming into the room. 'Elisabeth, we're ready for you.'

  'Marvellous,' says Elisabeth, taking a last mouthful of pain au chocolat. 'Now, I do look all right, don't I?'

  She stands up and a shower of crumbs falls off her skirt.

  'You've got a piece of croissant in your hair,' says Zelda, reaching up and removing it. 'Other than that what can I say?' She catches my eye and I have a hysterical desire to giggle.

  'Luke!' says the baby-faced guy, rushing in with a mobile phone. 'John Bateson on the line for you. And a couple of packages have arrived…'

  'Thanks, Tim,' says Alicia, taking the packages and ripping them open. She pulls out a bunch of papers and begins scanning them quickly, marking things every so often in pencil. Meanwhile, Tim sits down, opens a laptop computer and starts typing.

  'Yes, John, I do see your bloody point,' Luke's saying in a low, tight voice. 'But if you would listen to me for just one moment-'

  'Tim,' says Alicia, looking up. 'Can you quickly check the return on the Flagstaff Premium Pension over the last three, five and ten?'

  'Absolutely,' says Tim, and starts tapping at his computer.’

  'Tim,' says Luke, looking up from the phone. 'Can you print out the Flagstaff Foresight draft press release for me ASAP? Thanks.'

  I can't quite believe what I'm seeing. They've practically set up an office, here in the Morning Coffee green room. An entire office of Brandon Communications staff complete with computers and modems and phones… pitted against me and my crumpled piece of A4.

  As I watch Tim's laptop efficiently spewing out pages, and Alicia handing sheets of paper to Luke, a cold feeling starts to creep over me. I mean, let's face it. I'll never beat this lot, will I? I haven't got a chance. I should just give up now. Tell them I'm ill or something. Run home and hide under my duvet.

  'OK, everyone?' says Zelda, poking her head round the door. 'On in seven minutes.'

  'Fine,' says Luke.

  'Fine,' I echo in a wobbly voice.

  'Oh, and Rebecca, there's a package for you,' says Zelda. She comes into the room and hands me a large, square box. 'I'll be back in a minute.'

  'Thanks, Zelda,' I say in surprise and, with a sudden lift of spirits, begin to rip the box open. I've no idea what it is or who it's from – but it's got to be something helpful, hasn't it? Special last-minute information from Eric Foreman, maybe. A graph, or a series of figures that I can produce at the crucial moment. Or some secret document that Luke doesn't know about.

  Out of the corner of my eye I can see that all the Brandonites have stopped what they're doing, and are watching, too. Well, that'll show them. They're not the only ones to get packages delivered to the green room. They're not the only ones to have resources. Finally I get the sticky tape undone and open the flaps of the box. And as everyone watches, a big red helium balloon, with GOOD LUCK emblazoned across it, floats up to the ceiling. There's a card attached to the string, and, without looking anyone in the eye, I rip it open. Immediately, I wish I hadn't.

  'Good luck to you, good luck to you, whatever you're about to do,' sings a tinny electronic voice.

  I slam the card shut and feel my cheeks flame red.

  God, how embarrassing. From the other side of the room I can hear little sniggers, and I look up to see Alicia smirking. She whispers something into Luke's ear, and an amused expression spreads across his face. He's laughing at me. They're all laughing at Rebecca Bloomwood and her singing balloon. For a few moments I can't move for mortification. My face is hot; my throat feels tight; I've never felt less like a leading industry expert in my life.

  Then, on the other side of the room, I hear Alicia murmur some malicious little comment and give a snort of laughter – and deep inside me, something snaps. Sod them, I think suddenly. Sod them all. They're probably only jealous, anyway. They wish they had balloons, too.

  Defiantly, I open the card again to read the message.

  'No matter if it rain or shine, we all know that you'll be fine,' sings the card's tinny voice at once. 'Hold your head up, keep it high – all that matters is you try.'

  To Becky, I read. With love and thanks for all your wonderful help. We're so proud to know you. From your friends Janice and Martin.

  I stare down at the card, reading the words over and over, and feel my eyes grow foolishly hot. Janice and Martin have been good friends over the years – even if their son is a bit of a prat. They've always been kind to me, even when I gave them such disastrous advice. I owe this to them. And I'm bloody well not going to let them down.

  I blink a few times, take a deep breath and look up to see Luke Brandon gazing at me, his eyes dark and expressionless.

  'Friends,' I say coolly. 'Sending me their-good wishes.'

  Carefully I place the card on the coffee table, making sure it stays open so it'll keep singing, then pull my balloon down from the ceiling and tie it to the back of my chair.

  'OK,' comes Zelda's voice from the door. 'Luke and Rebecca. Are you ready?'

  'Couldn't be readier,' I say calmly, and walk past Luke to the door.

  Twenty-One

  As we stride along the corridors to the set, neither Luke nor I say a word. I dart a glance at him as we turn a corner – and his face is even steelier than it was in the green room.

  Well, that's fine. I can do steely, too. I can do hard and businesslike. Firmly I lift my chin and begin to take longer strides, pretending to be Alexis Carrington in Dynasty.

  'So, do you two already know each other?' says Zelda, who's walking along between us.

  'We do, as it happens,' says Luke shortly.

  'In a business context,' I say, equally shortly. 'Luke's always trying to promote some pathetic financial product or other. And I'm always trying to avoid his calls.'

  Zelda gives an appreciative laugh and I see Luke's eyes flash angrily. But I really don't care. I don't care how angry he gets. In fact, the angrier he gets, the better I feel.

  'So – Luke, you must have been quite pissed off at Rebecca's article in the Daily World,' says Zelda.

  'I wasn't pleased,' says Luke.

  'He phoned me up to complain, can you believe it?' I say airily. 'Can't cope with the truth, eh Luke? Can't cope with seeing what's under the PR gloss? You know, perhaps you should change jobs.'

  There's silence and I turn to look at Luke. He looks so furious, I think for a terrifying moment that he's going to hit me. Then his face changes and in an icily calm voice, he says,

  'Let's just get on the fucking set and get this little charade over with, shall we?'

  Zelda raises her eyebrows at me and I grin back. I've never seen Luke so rattled before.

  'OK,' says Zelda as we approach a set of double swing doors. 'Here we are. Keep your voices down when we go in.'

  She pushes open the doors and ushers us in, and for a moment my cool act falters. I feel all shaky and awed, like Laura Dern in Jurassic Park when she saw the dinosaurs for the first time. Because there it is, in real life. The real live Morning Coffee set. With the sofa and all the plants and everything, all
lit up by the brightest, most dazzling lights I've ever seen in my life.

  This is just unreal. How many zillion times have I sat at home, watching this on the telly? And now I'm actually going to be part of it. I can't quite believe it.

  'We've got a couple of minutes till the commercial break,' says Zelda, leading us across the floor, across a load of trailing cables. 'Rory and Emma are still with Elisabeth in the library set.'

  She gestures to us to sit down on opposite sides of the coffee table, and, gingerly, I do so. The sofa's harder than I was expecting, and kind of… different.

  Everything's different. God, this is weird. The lights are so bright on my face, I can hardly see anything, and I'm not quite sure how to sit. A girl comes and threads a microphone cable under my shirt and clips it to my lapel. Awkwardly, I lift my hand to push my hair back, and immediately Zelda comes hurrying over.

  'Try not to move too much, OK, Rebecca?' she says. 'We don't want to hear a load of rustling.'

  'Right,' I say. 'Sorry.'

  Suddenly my voice doesn't seem to be working properly. I feel as though a wad of cotton wool's been stuffed into my throat. I glance up at a nearby camera and, to my horror, see it zooming towards me.

  'OK, Rebecca,' says Zelda, hurrying over again, 'one more golden rule – don't look at the camera, all right? Just behave naturally!'

  'Fine,' I say huskily.

  Behave naturally. Easy-peasy.

  'Thirty seconds till the news bulletin,' she says, looking at her watch. 'Everything OK, Luke?'

  'Fine,' says Luke calmly. He's sitting on his sofa as though he's been there all his life. Typical. It's all right for men, they don't care what they look like.

  I shift on my seat, tug nervously at my skirt and smooth my jacket down. They always say that television puts ten pounds on you, which means my legs will look really fat. Maybe I should cross them the other way. Or not cross them at all? But then maybe they'll look even fatter.

  'Hello!' comes a high-pitched voice from across the set before I can make up my mind. My head jerks up, and I feel an excited twinge in my stomach. It's Emma March in the flesh! She's wearing a pink suit and hurrying towards the sofa, closely followed by Rory, who looks even more square-jawed than usual. God, it's weird seeing celebrities in real life. They don't look quite real, somehow.