Volume 2 - The Sighs of Suzumiya Haruhi

by Tanigawa Nagaru

  Asahina-san’s terrified look was so real, I’ve never seen such an expression before. Due to Haruhi’s insane action, which was enough to drive the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals into a fit of rage, the symbols of peace were now goggling and flying off all at once after such a scare.

  “That’s it! That’s the scene I want! Kyon, make sure you get it all in!” The camera’s rolling, so it should be working, right? Standing among the torrent of flying pigeons, Asahina-san squatted down and covered her head with her hands.

  “Mikuru-chan! Why are you squatting? You need to use the flying pigeons as a background and run towards here! Hurry up and get up!”

  Looks like now was not the time to idly shoot a movie, as instead of the SPCA, an old geezer that seemed like the shrine priest now bolted out from the interior of the shrine. He was dressed in hakama, which would suggest he had something to do with the priest. I was already prepared to be berated by him when Haruhi, without hesitation, used her secret weapon.

  She fired her CZ (or was it SIG) toy pistol towards the old geezer. I then saw the image of a priest (I think he’s one) who seemed to be dancing non-stop on the sizzling hot ground. There’s no doubt the Respect for the Elderly Society would protest strongly.

  “Retreat!”

  Haruhi yelled and then ran off at once. As for Nagato, I don’t know when she left, as she was already waiting for us by the torii far ahead. Seeing as Asahina-san won’t be able to escape quickly, Koizumi and I lifted her by the arm on each side and carried her off along with the equipment.

  Since the director had run away, we couldn’t just leave the female lead behind as the scapegoat.

  Ten minutes later, we’re now having a meal in a fast food restaurant, which for some reason I have to pay for.

  “Perhaps I’ve missed something. I was thinking maybe it would be better if we cast that old priest as a villain,” Haruhi said this about stuff borderlining crime.

  After sipping three strings of noodles, Asahina-san lay flat on the table.

  “Mikuru-chan, you eat too little. How are you going to grow that way? You’ll only attract a specific set of fans if all you have to offer are your breasts. You gotta straighten your back.”

  Haruhi said as she snatched Asahina-san’s noodles and began munching on them.

  I knew. I don’t know in how many years, but I just know that Asahina-san’s face and figure would eventually develop to Miss World standards. Although she doesn’t know that herself.

  Koizumi only smiled wryly, while Nagato silently brought her club sandwich to her mouth and began munching. I pushed my emptied plate aside and said to Haruhi, who had just eaten two sets of lunch,

  “What are you going to do if that priest decides to complain to the school? Our cover’s been blown by Koizumi’s uniform.”

  “That shouldn’t be a problem,”

  Haruhi sure is optimistic,

  “We were standing quite far from him, plus you see that sort of school jacket everywhere. We’ll just deny any knowledge of it and pretend it has nothing to do with us. The BB bullets won’t be much of an evidence against us.”

  I looked at the video camera that carried all the evidence and thought, wouldn’t everything be out in the open once this movie gets shown? I simply do not believe that there were two waitresses out there at the same moment being surrounded by pigeons in a shrine.

  “So where are we going next?”

  “We need to go back to the plaza. I’ve been thinking, such a location alone won’t be sufficient for creating an intense battle scene. In order to captivate the audience, we need something more drastic. Well, I have a lot of ideas, like Mikuru-chan running like mad in the forest, while being chased by Yuki. And then Mikuru-chan would fall off the cliff, only to be rescued by Koizumi-kun, who happened to walk by. What do you think of such a story development?”

  That was such a retarded story development. Where can you find a male high school student who just happened to walk by a forest in his uniform? Wouldn’t that be too unnatural? Being the “wild card” that she is, Haruhi may really just push Asahina-san off the cliff. If that’s the case, Haruhi, why don’t you jump down yourself? Become Asahina-san’s stunt double and don that costume as well. Hmm, though the breast size may be a bit different……

  Just as I was thinking about that, Haruhi lifted her eyebrow and stared at me, “What are you thinking? Don’t tell me you’re having illusions of how I’d look in that waitress costume.” Indeed, you’ve guessed correctly.

  “I’m the director, after all. I can’t just happily appear in front of the camera. If I had to chase two rabbits around, I’d just trip over the tree roots and break my nose.”

  Aren’t you the Executive Producer as well?

  “The crew can have as many titles as they want, but it’s not too bad to play a character that only appears once in a while like precious jewelry. We need to add in factors that can make those fanatics excited.”

  Just what fanatics were you intending this movie for? Asahina fanatics? Up till now, the whole movie has been nothing but an Asahina Mikuru uniform special! ……But then again, that was good enough.

  Koizumi very elegantly placed a cup of milk back on the table and said, “Are the three of us the only characters in this movie?”

  You idiot! Stop asking unnecessary questions!

  “Well……”

  Haruhi now pursed her lips as she did whenever she was in deep thought. Shouldn’t you consider things like these beforehand?

  “Three people doesn’t seem like a lot. Indeed, it’s too few. We need some extras to better reflect the protagonist’s energetic spirit. Thanks for reminding me of that, Koizumi-kun. As a token of my gratitude, I’m going to increase your screen time.”

  “Ah…… why, thank you.”

  The smile on Koizumi’s face now read “Oh shit.” Serves you right! I knew nothing good would ever come out of this, therefore I said nothing.

  On the other hand, where does she expect to find new characters? There’s a 75% chance that the people that she finds randomly are queer characters. According to the order, the next person would probably be a dimensional slider, but I have a feeling that such a person probably wouldn’t want to come to this world in the first place.

  “Before the boss is defeated, we need to have minions to beat first. Minions, minions……” Haruhi placed her finger under her lips and glanced at me.

  “Those guys would do, right?”

  I, too, had guessed who Haruhi was thinking of. Taniguchi and Kunikida. They were the only two who could be brought along without creating too many problems. They’re the safest choice, the ultimate minions who’re even more insignificant than mere extras. More harmless than a lone wandering ghost.

  “I guess so.”

  I turned my gaze away from the director, who was thinking of whom else to bring over, and took a glance at Asahina-san lying on the table with closed eyes. She looked so cute even when sleeping, she was mesmerizing even if she was only pretending to sleep.

  I then turned my sight towards Nagato, who was sipping her soda deeply with her straw. Admiring her wooden expression, I then asked,

  “Then, what’re we filming next?”

  Haruhi gulped the bowl of noodle soup down to her stomach, it took quite a while for her to finish, “At any rate, I want Mikuru-chan to suffer as much as possible. Since the theme of this movie is about a girl who has to face all sorts of adversity, then against all odds manages to overturn them at the end and live happily ever after. The more Mikuru-chan suffers, the more catharsis she would have. Don’t worry, Mikuru-chan, this is going to be a ‘happy ending’.” So only the final bit is “happy”? Before that, Asahina-san could only accept Haruhi’s tyrannical abuse. What kind of script did Haruhi prepare anyway? Seems like I am the only one who can apply a brake to her derailing behavior, so I need to be more careful and watch over her constantly. And what the hell is this catharsis thing? Asahina-san had her tightly shut
eyes opened half way, she looked at me with a pair of unique eyes, with the left eye blue in color, as though asking me to save her. But she then sighed softly and slowly closed her eyes. What’s that supposed to mean? That I’m not reliable enough? Right now, when Koizumi and Nagato could not provide a barrier to the oncoming tsunami, only I am on your side.

  Yet, for the past six months, no matter what I do, I just couldn’t put a stop to Haruhi’s insanity. I know very well that what I’m doing is very futile, yet I’d like her to at least appreciate my chivalric passion.

  Frankly speaking, I don’t think I’ve ever tried stopping Haruhi. Half a year ago, I thought that even if I had to cut off Haruhi’s arms, I must have her give up the thought of creating the SOS Brigade. Yet judging from the outcome, when I was still looking confused, Haruhi had already prepared the club room and members, in the end, even I had fallen into her trap and became a member myself…… That is the outcome today.

  But if I had whacked the back of that girl’s head with a baseball bat, or maybe stopped her with a surprise attack, I probably wouldn’t have met Asahina-san, or Nagato and Koizumi. I would probably know them through other means. In other words, maybe I would never find out that they possess ridiculous true identities as aliens or time travelers. I would just know them as normal schoolmates, as we walk past each other in the corridor.

  Don’t ask me which path I would have preferred myself. As I have already heard the other three members declare their identities, and I’ve seen Nagato’s terrifying powers, Asahina-san who has grown up into another person, and Koizumi’s eyes turning red. If I visited a parallel world, maybe I’ll come across another version of myself who has never spoken to Haruhi or the other three members. So if you have any questions, go ask that other “me,” I don’t know anything myself.

  Yet right now, I was in a situation where I can’t say with confidence that I don’t know anything. Hmm, making a movie from scratch for the school festival, there’s nothing strange with that. What was strange is Haruhi’s head, but that was a known fact, so there’s nothing astonishing here either. Haruhi spouting idiotic stuff like suddenly wanting to make a movie was nothing new. To me, it was just another routine job, all I needed to do was just go along with what she says and hope everything works out……

  That’s what I thought, which was why I didn’t stop her from making this movie. I don’t care if you’re the director or whatever, just do whatever you like! Manipulate everyone around you to your heart’s content! If that makes you feel better, then I’m willing to suppress the endless sighs within my heart and go with you to the end. Because the last thing I want is to be trapped with you inside an unknown dimension.

  I thought about all this while looking at the boastful Haruhi and worn-out Asahina-san, the smiling Koizumi and the mask-like expression of Nagato.

  I had no idea that the moment I regretted not stopping Haruhi would arrive so quickly.

  We returned to the plaza in the forest park. Couldn’t we do something about this lack of planning? If we had known about this, we should’ve done all the filming before going to the shrine! The biggest problem was that the script only existed inside Haruhi’s head. It was important after all to convey meanings into words, preserving information down in paper has got to be the greatest idea ever.

  “I think we should give up on the guns. I had thought the bullets would be impressive, yet there was no flare or sound at all, that really takes the intensity away. I don’t think they’re useful at all, they’re just toy models after all.”

  Haruhi seemed to just treat the Yamatsuchi Model Store as a mere sponsor. She then proceeded to mark two large crosses on the ground with the tip of her sneakers. She was probably marking the spots where Asahina-san and Nagato should be standing.

  “Mikuru-chan stands here, Yuki stands over there.”

  “Um.”

  Being spun around in circles, Asahina-san now treaded heavily as though she had just burnt a whole day’s worth of calories. She was too mentally exhausted to resist as she walked onto the stage in her sexy waitress costume. She was now beyond shame, having regressed to the mental state of a young child, moving like a doll.

  Nagato, who was already like a doll, walked quietly towards her designated spot and stood silently. Her black cloak fluttered in the mountain breeze blowing downhill.

  Haruhi pointed her finger towards the toy gun she had snatched from Asahina-san and said, “Don’t leave that position, I want to film you two facing off with each other. Koizumi-kun, prepare the reflector board.” Haruhi then returned to her director’s chair, she aimed the gun in the air and pulled the trigger, “ACTION!”

  She yelled with the top of her voice.

  I quickly held my camera up, but Asahina-san was probably more confused than I was. Action? Haruhi only told them to stand still, she didn’t specify what other action they should make.

  “……”

  Nagato and Asahina-san stood silently and looked at each other’s expression.

  “Um……”

  Asahina-san was the first to turn her gaze away.

  “……”

  Nagato continued to stare at Asahina-san.

  “……”

  Asahina-san went silent as well.

  And so, this staring scene under the mountain breeze went on endlessly.

  “That’s enough!”

  For some reason Haruhi became pissed,

  “How can you have a battle like this?”

  Because the two of them were just standing still.

  Replacing the gun with a loudspeaker, Haruhi walked towards Asahina-san and knocked her on the head, which had two soft brown ponytails tied by Haruhi herself.

  “Mikuru-chan, listen up. No matter how cute you are, you must never let your guard down. Cute girls can be found everywhere! If you live your life peacefully, you’ll be surpassed by other younger girls in no time!”

  What are you trying to say?

  Asahina-san rubbed her head innocently, Haruhi then said in a sage manner, “Which is why, Mikuru-chan, you need to fire laser beams from your eye!” “Eh?”

  Asahina-san widened her eyes in astonishment.

  “But that’s impossible!”

  “This is the reason why that left eye has a different color! I didn’t just change your eye color to blue just because I felt like it! Hidden in that eye is an incredible power, the ability to shoot laser beams. So fire your Mikuru Beam!”

  “I… I can’t!”

  “Try your hardest!”

  Haruhi wrapped Asahina-san’s head under her arms and smacked Asahina-san’s head with her yellow loudspeaker.

  The scene of Asahina-san yelling out in pain was just too tragic. I handed the camera over to Koizumi, who had put down the reflector board and was looking bemused at this scene, and grabbed Haruhi’s collar.

  “Stop it, you idiot!”

  I pulled the little waitress away from the tyrannical Ultra Director.

  “Normal humans can’t just fire laser beams from their eyes. Are you a moron?” Just look at Asahina-san rubbing her head with her hands! Look at how crestfallen she’s become, she’s now weeping pearl-like tears down her face already.

  “Hmph,”

  With her collar still being grabbed by me, she turned her head away and muttered, “Of course I know that.”

  I let go of her, Haruhi knocked her own neck softly with her loudspeaker, “I just wanted her to give an awesome impression of firing out laser beams, since she doesn’t have the aura that a protagonist should have. You sure are lacking a sense of humor.” That’s because your humor isn’t even funny, and that’s a big problem. What are you going to do if Asahina-san really could fire laser beams? ……It’s not possible, is it?

  I turned my eyes uncomfortably towards Asahina-san and tried to gesture to her. Asahina-san looked at me with her teary eyes. She blinked her large round eyes while tilting her neck slightly. Looks like I just can’t communicate with Asahina-san with my eyes. Whil
e I was thinking that, Koizumi came forward and shamelessly gave his advice,

  “I’m sure we could take care of that by using CG effects during editing?” Koizumi smiled gently like a con man and handed a box of tissues over to Asahina-san.

  “Hasn’t Suzumiya-san planned to do that since the beginning?”” “Of course I have,” Haruhi said.

  Like hell you have. I thought to myself.

  Asahina-san rubbed her eyes dry with the tissue and blew her nose, then looked suspiciously at both Haruhi and me.

  Nagato was like a puppetmaster who stood out a lot and stood quietly in the wind. How come the sun hasn’t gone down yet? Because I can’t wait any longer for the time when filming has to stop due to insufficient light.

  “We’ll redo that scene again,”

  Haruhi said and began to discuss how to perform the important pose.

  “Mikuru Beam! You need to shout that and make this pose.” “L… Like this?”

  “No, like this! And, close your right eye.”

  Haruhi’s concept was to place the left hand over the left eye in a V-shaped sign, then fire the beam upon the blink of the eye.

  “Mikuru-chan, try saying it out.”

  “……Mi,Mi,Mi,Mikuru Beam!”

  “Louder!”

  “Mikuru Beam!”

  “Don’t

  be shy, louder!”

  “Um…… Mikuru Be~~~am!”

  “Amplify your voice with your abdomen!”

  What the hell was that?

  Asahina-san, who was blushing furiously as she shouted loudly, was now being forced by Haruhi to shout with her abdomen.

  Asahina-san, who was blushing furiously as she shouted loudly, was now being forced by Haruhi to shout with her abdomen. The staring glances of the kids passing by on the plaza along with their parents were becoming unbearable, I really wanted to tell them that there’s nothing to see here. But as we were making a movie, we were basically like a travelling circus troupe attracting attention. Actually it wasn’t too bad to just shoot these well prepared scenes. I had no idea how happy Haruhi’s happy story can get, but if the purpose was to promote Asahina-san, then this was too much.