A Mother's Sin

by Mia Henry

  Ella was different. The heart inside her chest had changed. It had been irreparably damaged. Life was no longer the same. It was no longer normal, so she had to adapt to a new way of life. It wasn’t the path that she had chosen to walk. The map was just thrown at her. It would be a journey through grief, which would take time.

  Finding closure is also not part of this journey. There can never be closure to such a nightmare. It was a roller coaster of emotions. She was confused, would get impatient, lash out, curse, feel distracted, unfocused, no will to even cook for the family and sometimes battled to even get out of bed. She hardly smiled and didn’t hear herself laugh for months. Her body physically ached.

  Some days she felt paralyzed from grief. It was affecting her as a woman, a mother, a wife, a human being. It affected every aspect of her life; spiritually, physically, mentally and emotionally. She barely recognized herself in the mirror. Grief doesn’t come with a manual. Everyone is different. She needed to find her way, and walk this road in her own time, and at her own pace, if she were to survive. What she had once thought to be true, real, absolute or fair had all changed.

  There were so many things that Ella struggled to understand. What had she done to deserve this?

  There were many that meant well by what slipped out of their mouths. The words, statements, or words of advice, would nonetheless, become like a thorn in Ella’s flesh.

  “Don’t tell me that God has a plan for me. Or my child is better off!’ Ella would find herself saying this often. She masked her anger well at such platitudes. Her response sometimes verbally and sometimes just to herself would be, ‘It doesn’t matter how strong your beliefs are, if it were your child, flesh of your flesh, lying lifeless in your arms, you would feel very differently’.

  The further prospect of being reunited again in some unfamiliar territory is also no consolation to a parent who has just lost their child. Any amount of years will seem forever. So no long distant hope, whatever your beliefs, will make the pain any easier. Grieving mothers, fathers and siblings are not suddenly going to wake up one morning and say ‘everything is OK now, let’s get back to normal’. Their normal has changed. They will learn to live a life that will forever be tainted with sadness. During those dismal times some family and friends withdrew from Ella, even going as far as removing her from their contact lists. They didn’t know how to handle her occasional wild talk, especially when she would lash out on a public forum. But it also became a time of forming some very close relationships. These became part of her inner circle of friends, which Ella refers to as being her bandaids, the bandages that help heal a wound. If Ella started behaving out of character, they were there in a flash. When Ella spiraled off the rails, they were there to help her get back on track. They just knew when to attend to her weeping wounds. They never stopped visiting, calling and even dropping notes in her post box. These friends kept Ella going day after day with their undying love and support. They couldn’t remove her pain, but the hug, the message, the phone call, the lunch, the cup of coffee were the life saving waterholes on Ella’s path. They didn’t tell her to stop crying, they cried with her. At times all Ella wanted to do was talk about Tammy. What a gift that her friends allowed her to do just that.

  All Ella had now were memories, so she appreciated those who spoke about Tammy, shared their memories about her, and who did things in Tammy’s memory. It didn’t matter that her emotions bounced around like a ping-pong ball. They didn’t place a time limit to her sadness but stuck by her as time evolved and the pain softened.

  As the months moved on Ella would have moments where she pined for her daughter, so intensely, that it would sap her of all her energy. The reality that she wasn’t going to see her, hear her voice or hear her bellowing laughter would hit her like a hurricane and it terrified her. She would have to fight for survival once again.

  Although inching forwards, special dates and days would throw her three steps back. As those days approached the pain would intensify. The dread of approaching dates was often worse than the day itself.

  Special times, days or events were so marred by the lack of Tammy’s physical presence, the missing link in the family chain. It would be a harsh reality that Tammy was no longer there to enjoy life and its beauty and surroundings. It was an intensely sad reality that she would be missing out on family time. The firsts of everything in the first year of her death was always pierced with pangs of pain. Special days would also kindle quiet reflections and thoughts of what could have been.

  Although there were moments that Ella so desperately wanted her mother Nancy, by her side, she was very glad that she was spared all the pain.

  It also made Ella realize to never under estimate the pain of a grand parent. Not only will they be mourning their own loss but they will also be heartbroken at seeing their own child so broken.

  Marriage bonds can be sorely tested during a storm.

  Men and woman are wired differently, and even then, every individual will grieve differently. Each one has to tackle that road at their own pace, doing what works best for them. Unfortunately disaster begets crisis. You both consumed in your own grief, needing support, but too emotionally spent to provide it.

  Ella seemed to grieve more deeply and intensely, whereas Rob hid it. It was also something they would never discuss. A wound they didn’t like to touch.

  Ella sometimes would sense Rob’s irritation at her constant tears, so she began concealing them. She would bury her face in her pillow or she would remove herself from his company and go cry elsewhere. She began to resent him for that. Little did she know how much worse, her hidden tears, made him feel. They were becoming disconnected and alienated from each other.

  It was important for both of them to realize that everyone is unique in their response to grief and everyone expresses their sadness differently. They needed to give each other respect, space and permission to grieve in their unique way. It would take time for them to both come to that understanding. Unfortunately there are no manuals with specific rules because every case and individual is unique. The secret is to be aware of the challenge and then try to remedy it.

  As the anniversary of Tammy’s death dawned, Ella was very cognizant of the fact that she had survived. She had survived over 525 000 minutes which made up a year. Sometimes barely!

  That fast approaching anniversary was also hanging over her head like a heavy cloud. She was dreading reliving those last few days and especially the day itself.

  There were many things that had helped Ella find comfort in her grief. She had hopes, her family and her friends, but not least of all was her own determination. It was a challenge learning that letting go is not forgetting. That feeling happy doesn’t mean you can’t be sad. That it is not a betrayal of her lost loved one.

  She soon realized that although the brain was more accepting of the loss, there would still be many times that her emotions would run riot.

  The week leading to the anniversary of Tammy’s death was dreadful. It transported her back to the last moments with her daughter. She relived those days vividly, ripping her already shattered heart into a million more pieces. She wished she could just sleep for a week and wake up when it was all over.

  On the anniversary day, Ella, got woken up by her friends.

  She was nurtured by her bandaids from early morning right into the evening. They didn’t leave her side. Despite there being some solemn moments there were some happy ones too. Ella was laughing again. The raw pain had lifted, although the scar and the ache was still very much there.

  They drank Tequila in Tammy’s honor. They popped a couple of bottles of bubbles and turned it into a fun day.

  During one of the more solemn moments, Ella reflected on the past year and shared some of her thoughts with her friends.

  ‘It’s hard to believe that it is one year later. It would have been easier walking from Cape to Cairo, rather than
trying to navigate this pathway through grief. The passing of time has made it a lot more manageable but there are still moments of acute grief. I guess those will stay forever. It’s been a year with such a wide array of emotions. I’ve often asked myself, ‘how did I manage to survive?’ Truth is, I don’t really know. All I do know is that I survived the worst second of the worst pain of my life. Then I made it to a minute. That became an hour, then a day, then a week. A month. And here I am a year later. It sure has been a very disorienting and painful journey. It also feels like it was one of the longest years in my life, as I often long so much for Tamz, but one thing is for sure, I would not have survived walking this road on my own. You girls have been amazing. I will be forever grateful!’

  It was time for bubbles. Time to celebrate friendships and friends, who contributed to the survival of a friend.

  Surrounded by love, Ella put that year to rest.

  CHAPTER 28

  LIFE

  Ella in her half century of existence had suffered some of life’s most heartrending tragedies. She had had deep inner thoughts, lots of questions, some of which still remain unanswered. But, there was a place where she did find some answers, answers that would satisfy her, this place was her bath. She would spend hours deeply immersed in bubbles, mentally thrashing through what had brought her peace and what hadn’t. Mornings when no one else was at home were her favorite time.

  There were two factors that motivated much of her thinking, which helped her to accept whatever was thrown her way. Firstly, she was no better than millions of others who also suffer horrific tragedies. Everyone thinks their story is the worst, but fact is, there is a lot worse out there, which affects both young and old.

  Secondly, life doesn’t stand still. It never has and it never will. When you’re sad, scared or unmotivated you can’t ask life to stop and wait for you. What has passed, is gone. Never to come back! You are the only one who can make that choice. Do you allow it to pass you by or do you force yourself to jump right back into that path of life? Yes, it calls for just that! Forcing yourself!

  When you find yourself in the darkest place, it’s not easy to find your way. But if you don’t look for it, you will never find it. The path is there but it won’t come looking for you. It requires you to take action.

  The beauty is that if you grope through the darkness back onto the path of life, you eventually notice the light, and it feels so much more special. You no longer take that light for granted. You have a renewed appreciation for it.

  Being in darkness could be due to a number of factors. For Nancy it was her past. Despite her newfound beliefs, it gnawed at her. Seeing her family being hit by tragedy cast her back into that dark abyss of guilt. Her family knew this, as it was something that troubled her on her deathbed.

  Ella was thrown into darkness by the loss of her two daughters. Yes, she was the product of her mother’s sin but she didn’t believe that she was being punished for it. She knew that we are not immortal as humans, so death is a part of life here on earth. If God was punishing her for the sin of her mother, then in her mind He was cruel. She prefers to believe Him to be the epitome of love. Besides, life had also thrown her some wonderful opportunities and blessings. She preferred to dwell on that.

  Amber, she fell into her darkest pit when she became entrapped in a world of drugs and deception at the expense of losing her daughters. Her anger and bitterness with life was evident in her behavior. Finding the way back to her path resulted in having one of her daughter’s move back to live with her. She had once again found some light.

  Ella’s darkness had spiraled to the deepest part of the abyss after she lost Tammy. Her heart was already badly scarred with the loss of her firstborn. It was injury upon an injury. There were moments that she couldn’t see herself ever climbing out of it. But she knew that she was the captain of her own ship. The steering of it was all under her control. If she didn’t want to remain in the depths of the abyss, she had to climb out. She had a wonderful support system, but ultimately her own determination would lead her to the path. There are days that she still veers off course, tripping over boulders, but she always tries to find her way back again.

  Ella had to wrap her head around the fact that it was OK to smile, to laugh and to try to enjoy life again. It didn’t mean she was putting the loss of her loved ones aside or forgetting them.

  Amy had finished school and was going to head back to LA for her scholarship at the Millennium Dance Complex. Ella decided she was going to go with her for three months.

  It was the best thing she could have done to reintroduce herself, once again, to the enjoyment of life.

  Her friend Zee from Brazil joined her and the two of them embarked on a holiday of a lifetime. They were very fortunate that both husbands had given their blessing for this journey together.

  They hired a car, road tripping together up the coast from LA to San Francisco. They drove a little further northwest to Lake Tahoe. Then they worked their way back to LA via Yosemite and Big Bear. When they got back to LA they met up with Amy. The three then flew to Hawaii for a week. After Hawaii, Ella and Zee flew to Chicago where they picked up a rented RV and together they did the whole Route 66 from Chicago to Santa Monica in LA.

  When they got to the Grand Canyon they flew it in a Cessna Grand Caravan, giving them the most spectacular of views.

  They diverted off the route for a day in order to spend a night in Las Vegas.

  Besides making the most unforgettable memories it was good for the soul. Ella for the first time in nearly two years was heartily laughing again and enjoying life.

  At times during the trip, there were still moments of darkness for Ella, as she still missed Tammy immensely and yearned for her to be there, to also enjoy life.

  Everyday there would be something that would remind her of Tammy. Some places brought back a flood of memories, accompanied by waves of sadness. Pearl Harbor, in Hawaii, was one. Pearl Harbor was Tammy’s favorite movie. She had watched it countless times. ‘What she would have done to have been here with us!’, Ella thought. It made Ella feel sad and guilty. Walking through Studio City in Hollywood where Tammy had had a picture taken when she was four, making it look like she was dancing with Tom & Jerry, was another. Tammy had treasured that picture for years. Ella sat on a step by a water fountain in Studio City, in a flood of tears. Others were places where they had been with Tammy in the hunt for the best in the world to treat her condition. When she got to St Louis in Missouri, Ella felt like her heart had been stabbed by a dagger, as Tammy had spent quite a bit of time there at the Lung Centre.

  Ella had finally found peace, she had come to know that one could enjoy life and be happy, while at the same time carrying a deep sadness in one’s heart.

  Just like the seasons, such is life. Some days there will be summer sunshine, on other’s, a winter rain. The storm does abate.

  THE END

  Mia Henry, born in Angola in 1961, moved to Johannesburg, South Africa, with her parents when she was six years old. She now currently lives in Nelson Mandela Bay, known as Port Elizabeth, on the east coast of South Africa with her husband, Michael, and her younger daughter, Chelsi-Kay. Her son, Trevor, lives in Cape Town.

  Mia was inspired to write this creative novel encompassing relationships, real-life tragedies, adventure, detrimental effects of drug addiction, raw emotions from losing loved ones, especially the death of your own child, and in the aftermath of such a tragedy.

 

 

 
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