A Mother's Sin

by Mia Henry

  Rob dropped everything and headed straight home. As he rushed out the door, he asked his nursing sister to organize an ambulance to be sent to his home urgently.

  Ella ran back to Tammy and again tried to awaken her. She attempted to lift her but her head had no control. It just flopped back. She tried opening her eyes and nothing moved.

  Amy phoned the ambulance again. It felt like they were taking forever.

  Ella was in a frenzied panic. She ran to the driveway to check if the ambulance had arrived. She would then run back to check if Tammy had woken up. She felt like a rabid dog that had gone berserk and in a dense fog she didn’t know which way to turn.

  She called her friend Anne. Anne couldn’t make out what Ella was saying. She was hoping that it wasn’t what she thought she’d heard.

  ‘I am coming over right now!’ She headed straight to Ella’s house.

  Then three ambulances arrived at once. Ella hysterically berated them for taking too long. But then every minute felt like an hour.

  Rob arrived at the same time. Ella stayed away from Tammy’s room, praying that they would save her.

  A short while later Rob came out and with tears pouring from his eyes, he just shook his head.

  Tammy was gone.

  Ella went hysterical. Rob drained of all energy could not then also handle his grief stricken wife who had gone insane. He asked the paramedics to take Ella and have her admitted and sedated. Ella refused. She felt indignant that Rob had even suggested that.

  Ella vaguely remembers calling Eduardo who was away on holiday in Europe. Calling her sister, Linda, was also a hazy memory.

  A friend driving past the house saw all the ambulances arriving. She realized there must be a problem so she stopped to see if there was anything she could do to help.

  The house was suddenly full of people. It all felt surreal.

  Ella would burst out crying, then she would start vomiting, then it would feel like she was transported into another world where she saw nothing and felt nothing.

  Tammy’s friend Grace rushed there as soon as she heard. Only then did Ella find out that Grace had visited Tammy earlier in the afternoon. Grace had sat on the bed with Tammy chatting about her studies and boys.

  In desperation Ella asked Grace if she had not noticed that there was something wrong? That her daughter was dying?

  ‘She was feeling sick and her chest sounded terrible, but nothing I hadn’t heard before,’ responded Grace.

  Grace was devastated and trying to wrap her head around this living nightmare, added, ‘She said she was feeling very tired. I told her to call me after she had a sleep and I’d come back. There was something she wanted to chat about. I told her how special she was and she was worth loving. She said “thanks”, then rolled onto her side and folded her hands in front of her. I then left’.

  That is how Ella found her.

  Grace was shattered trying to relive the afternoon’s events.

  Troy hadn’t yet been contacted. There hadn’t been time or courage to deliver such heart wrenching news. Yet the word was already out. Troy found out about his sister’s death on a social media status. He refused to believe it.

  A dear friend of Ella’s stayed with her overnight. She was drained of every ounce of energy yet she couldn’t sleep.

  Rob couldn’t let go of his daughter. He had always known that her time would come all too soon, but he hadn’t expected it then. Her health had become brittle but she always rallied. He had been pulled into a medical crisis so had not had the chance to see his oldest daughter before dashing off to his private practice in the morning. He sat with her all night and at times you could hear his cry of pain and grief coming from the room where his daughter lay. Rob just sat there. He only let her go midday the next day. By then her body wasn’t even looking like Tammy. Her lips were white and her eyes had sunken into her skull so Ella insisted it was time to let her go. They needed to call the Funeral Home.

  Nothing can prepare you to see your child been taken away in a body bag. ‘Could God, the universe, or whatever it is, get any crueler?’ lamented Ella.

  Curt was devastated. He did not want to believe it. He thought someone was pulling a sick prank on him. He was tormented that she had left with an unresolved issue. It took a long time for him to come to terms with it. He tried to get to the funeral, but couldn’t bear it in the end.

  Ella hated nodding off, even for a short sleep, as every time she would awake, she had to convince herself that it wasn’t all just a horrible nightmare. It was real! Then afterwards, all she wanted to do was fall asleep and not wake up again.

  The tributes started pouring in.

  The next day the #RIPTamz was trending first on Twitter in South Africa and second in the world.

  The Kennedy’s were amazed to realize the impact that their daughter had had on so many.

  The University of Cape Town campus radio ran a whole hour of dedication to her.

  Flowers and messages were coming from all over the world.

  No autopsy was done but the assumption was that she must have had pneumonia. Whatever it was, her heart had tired and given up.

  Funeral arrangements commenced and due to the large numbers that were expected at her funeral, permission was requested to have the service at her old school’s hall. Eduardo was only due to be coming back to South Africa a week later so they would have the funeral once he was back. Ella asked him to not shorten his trip. They would wait.

  Tammy passed away on the 20th and she would be laid to rest on the 30th. Ella doesn’t recall much during those ten days, besides her face burning from all the tears that would stream down her face during all her waking hours and a pain so severe in the core of her soul that she did not want to live.

  Amy was broken. She was due to leave for the World Championships on the 2nd of July, two days after her sister’s burial. She lost her will to go. Her coaches and team encouraged her to reconsider. They felt it would be a good distraction for her. In the end she put on her brave face and decided to go.

  ‘I am doing it for my sister’, she said.

  Friends and family rallied around to help whichever way they could. Every day, meals were dropped off and other matters taken care of. No one or anything could remove the pain, but they could ease the burdens. Every task felt like a boulder weighing heavily on their shoulders. Ella was deeply grateful for all the help.

  Twitter was still going crazy with all the tweets about Tammy’s untimely death. Her followers were shocked with the news and for months thereafter there would be tweets from some of her followers commenting about how much they miss Tammy’s presence on their feeds.

  Ella was especially touched by one of Tammy’s followers who wrote the following blog:

  KIRSTY POSTED 21, JUNE 2012

  ‘YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND TWITTER

  ……… unless you are a tweeter.

  People look at me, their expression a fixed mask of judgment

  ‘Twitter is so pointless’ I have heard that one many times

  ‘You don’t even know her’ I have heard that one even more often

  They just don’t understand. I have been meaning to write something about this for a while, but I never got around to it.

  What happened last night has inspired me to finally sit down and put into words what Twitter means to me.

  Yesterday, a young woman passed away unexpectedly, Tammy Kennedy. Tammy was a young, vibrant, beautiful girl living in Cape Town. She was a popular tweeter, always really funny and genuine. Coincidentally, her cousin is one of my favorite people in the world and a dear friend.

  Other than the conversations we have shared online and the distant connection her cousin brings to us, I do not know Tammy.

  Not traditionally. I have never met her. Because of this I will not write a blog post about her. That seems unfair
to her friends and family, the ones who really knew and loved her.

  But I would like to talk about the impact her death has had on the South African Twitter community.

  Yes. A community. A place where people show each other love and support.

  True and lasting friendships form over Twitter. Romances blossom. It is, or it can be, an incredibly personal and intimate platform and you do develop close bonds with people you interact with. One thing I have learnt the last few days, as I have been meeting more and more tweeps, is that I haven’t been engaging with local tweeters as much as I could have been. It turns out many of them meet up regularly and have become ‘real’ friends.

  Tammy was one of these people.

  And even though I know only a few tweeps in real life, I still feel I have friends I can turn to online when I need them.

  I posted a while ago that the main reason I tweet is because I’m lonely. I know without a doubt, that when I’m feeling lonely or sad there will be someone on Twitter who will send me a smile or a virtual hug. Who will tell me a joke to cheer me up or send me a DM offering a shoulder to cry on.

  If you don’t tweet, you won’t understand it.

  Twitter does not replace my real life interactions. I go out. A lot. I have friends, many of them. I lead, what I consider, a full and active life. Twitter is just another part of it, an extension. And it has allowed me to meet so many incredible people I may otherwise never have had a chance to interact with. My world has grown exponentially since I joined Twitter.

  Tammy’s death has shown what a tight-knit community the South African tweeters have formed. The messages of love, support and pain that have been pouring in are unbelievable. Both heart breaking and heart warming.

  The hashtag #RIPTamz trended first locally and then internationally. It stayed in the second spot worldwide for a while. This girl, this otherwise unknown, unremarkable girl, touched the lives of so many people simply through the tweets she posted. She made real friends. She was a source of entertainment and support for so many. And the grief being expressed at her death is genuine.

  My grief is genuine.’

  Another friend whom she had befriended online from Slovakia sent silk flowers in a box to put on her grave, with a card that read:

  ‘Dear Kennedy Family,

  I am sending these flowers for Tammy. I know her through the Internet. I am very sorry you lost her. She was an awesome person and a good friend to me. I will miss her.

  Love Zuzana’

  The day before the funeral, the whole family went to the funeral home for one last kiss.

  Tammy was a sport fanatic. Her preferred sports to watch were rugby and soccer. Her favorite soccer team was Manchester United. She was always very proud of her Man U shirt, so she was laid to rest in that shirt and jeans. She loved her jeans.

  Troy had a note for her, which he placed over her heart together with a teddy bear.

  Eduardo broke down as soon as he saw his oldest grandchild lying peacefully in death. He couldn’t help thinking back of his beautiful wife, Nancy, Tammy’s grandmother and their night in her beach bungalow, where it all began.

  Each member of the family spent some alone time with her.

  Ella who was broken into a million pieces and with eyes heavily swollen from all the crying kept apologizing to her. ‘I should be the one lying in this coffin, not you!’

  The most unimaginable nightmare was becoming a painful reality. How could she survive the pain that was consuming her like a cancerous growth?

  There were close to 400 people at Tammy’s burial.

  ‘I’m her mother. I need to be strong. I really would like to give a tribute at her memorial service.’ Ella had mentioned this a few days before the service. She asked Anne to be on stand by, should she at the last minute not be able to carry that through.

  Ella’s tribute:

  ‘Two days before you peacefully fell asleep in death you tweeted, ‘It’s my birthday in two months, but I’ve decided I’m staying 21 forever so it’s not actually my birthday in two months.’ So forever 21 you will stay! But in my heart you will be there forever…. my love for you in this heart although shattered will forever abide. Nothing will ever erase your spot there.

  Yes two daughters gone from our sight but never from our memories, gone from our touch but never our hearts.

  You were feisty and you carried a troubled heart, and you left us with a broken heart, but even just prior to your dying hour you said you were fine. That’s Tammy …. In your 21 years of life you had a couple of near death situations and yet you bounced back in no time, upset with all of us that we were making too much fuss.

  You have left some beautiful memories, your kind heart, your sense of humor, but also some of that feisty spirit of yours and even those I will treasure forever.

  When you were born, dealt with so much, it all at the time didn’t matter to me ….I just wanted your life …. You were 100% normal to me and all I selfishly wanted was you to live. …. Everything else seemed so insignificant. As I held you in my arms as a newborn baby I just begged you to please live. Thank you for giving me 21 years. Those memories will be with me until my heart too, tires and dies.

  ‘A butterfly lights beside us like a sunbeam, and for a brief moment it’s glory and beauty belongs to our world. But then it flies on again and although we wish it would have stayed, we feel happy to have seen it.’

  So long my beautiful butterfly’

  Ella managed to voice her tribute. She had to be strong for her daughter one last time.

  When Nancy, twelve years prior, lay on her deathbed she requested that she be laid to rest with her first grandchild, Tara-Lee. The cemetery approved the request.

  When Tammy passed away Ella visited the cemetery and asked whether it would be possible that Tammy could also be laid to rest with them. She let them know how much that would mean to her. After much deliberation they agreed.

  The tombstone reads, ‘Granny at rest with her two girls.’

  CHAPTER 27

  SURVIVAL

  Two days after Tammy was laid to rest, Amy left for the World Championship of Performing Arts in the USA. As much as Ella felt she needed to have her surviving children near her, she was at peace with the fact that Amy had decided in the end, to go. It was all very bittersweet. Ella was reassured that Amy would be taken good care of and they had arranged a counselor should she need one.

  Even in her grief stricken state, Amy managed a few Gold wins for dancing and a Silver for Rap. She also won the Industry Award and got a scholarship for one year at the prestigious Millennium Dance Complex in North Hollywood.

  It was an outstanding achievement, considering her emotional state and that she was competing against 57 countries in the world.

  ‘I did it for my sister. I derived my strength from her.’ Amy would say afterwards.

  All the excitement of Amy’s achievements, offered a little distraction from the pain that was consuming them.

  Troy was badly affected by the loss of his sister. He spiraled down to rock bottom and didn’t manage to complete his studies.

  For Ella it was the beginning of the worst year of her life.

  Had she forgotten the pain of losing her firstborn as a baby? But then how does one quantify pain? This is something about which she had often thought on her emotional journey with no destination, stumbling from pillar to post trying to find her way. It’s a journey of searing and unspeakable pain. It’s a journey that is hard to survive. It’s a journey than never ends.

  Nothing prepares you for grief. And you can’t move faster through the process than your heart is willing to go. It was impossible for Ella to wrap her brain around her loss. Only time.

  ‘I wish I could fast forward time, just so I can breathe properly again,’ Ella would often say. So she waited.

  Waking up every morning meant
it was another day. It was another day that had passed, another day that she was still breathing, but another day without her daughters. That day would turn into a week, that week, a month, and then that month, would become a year. That’s how she survived. She often reflected on that. ‘How did I manage to actually survive?’ It was by being able to survive one minute at a time.

  Does time actually make things better? ‘No’, thought Ella. ‘Time will only mean that I am further removed from my daughters whom I so miss.’ Ella could relate to this. Twenty-five years before losing Tammy she had lost her firstborn as a baby. Time had softened the wound a lot. The emotions were not so raw. The wound heals but the scars would always be there. Visible forever. They would never go away. If that process didn’t happen then physically there would be no way you would be able to survive it.

  Memories also played a vital role in Ella’s thinking. Her baby hadn’t left many. She only lived a few days. She often longed for more memories. Tammy left her with 21 years of many special moments. Memories. At first tormenting, but as the wound healed from its very raw state, those memories become her most valued treasures. She hung onto those memories and wasn’t going to allow them to fade. The prospect of them fading, in fact, terrified her!

  Ella was very aware that, the greater the love, the deeper the pain. She had grown to love her daughter so much that not a second of a minute of an hour would pass that she was not aware of Tammy’s absence.

  At times she would go through all the stages of mourning in one day. The immense anger, the guilt, all the why’s, if’s and what if’s. It would hurt to even smile. Her cheeks would literally burn. Her face was never dry from all the tears that constantly ran down her cheeks.

  She would tire to a point of losing her will to live, always having to veer back onto the road, climbing out of the trenches and facing the huge hurdles of painful emotions head on. There was no pill or potion to cure that. Only time.

  Then seeing her surviving children so hurt and lost without their sister would make that wrenching pain even more overwhelming. It was also her children that made her take stock of her survival skills and force her to carry on.