As I Am

by AnnaLisa Grant

  We pass through the trees, following the glow of the already blazing fire and the sound of clanking bottles. It looks like everyone is already there so I scan the crowd for Cal. He’s standing, beer in hand, near the other side of the fire with his buddies and a couple of the new girls, including the one I saw him with earlier. Fear nudges at me and feelings of inadequacy rise up in me. I push it to the side, though, reminding myself that Cal knows me. He likes me. She’s just some new girl. He turns his head and catches my eye, smiling his eternally charming smile. I smile back and he raises his beer in a wave.

  “See,” Addy sings.

  “Yes, yes … you were right. You’re always right, Addison,” I say. I admit she was right, but I can’t give her ego too much praise so I keep the excited tone low.

  “Do you see Miller?” she asks, scanning the crowd.

  “No, but I’ll tell him to come find you if I see him.” I begin to walk away from Addy and move toward Cal when she stops me.

  “You can’t go until we find him,” she says, shocked I would dream of leaving her standing alone.

  “Just go find Mia or somebody then you can look for him without looking like you’re looking for him.” That sounded as sad coming out of my mouth as it does ringing in my head.

  “Oh, my gosh, there he is.” Addy turns to face me like she didn’t just see him. “He’s standing up, over to your right, talking with Carrie, Bridget, Amy, and Matthew.”

  “Yep, there he is! Now you can go see him and let me get to Cal. You know, Cal. The guy you made me promise I’d give a chance? The guy you are now keeping me from?”

  “Just … come on.” Addy pulls the strap of my camera bag, almost making it slide off my shoulder. I follow her because, well, that’s what I do.

  We approach our friends and Miller’s eyes seem to light up. I know Addy thinks it’s for her, but there’s a little voice in my head telling me that sparkle in his green eyes is for me. I smile back at him, slightly ashamed that I’m enjoying Addy not getting this admiration so easily for once.

  “Hey! I’ve barely seen you two all day!” Bridget says.

  “Yeah, Bridget was just recapping last year’s beer commercial for Miller here. She’s thinking that in honor of him, this year’s drunken commercial will be for Miller Light!” Carrie laughs.

  “Light? Really? I know I’m new around here, but c’mon … light?” Miller laughs. Look who came out of his shell! I’m actually really glad that Miller seems to have bonded with our friends. Compared to Cal’s buddies, who really are kind of jerky, and a few of the other girls here, these are the best people around. I wish we all went to the same college. I missed them when we left last year, and I know I’m going to miss them again this year. Thank God for email and unlimited texting.

  “I can promise you that, light or not, Bridget’s commercial will be epic!” I laugh.

  “Well, if you say it’ll be epic, then epic it will be,” Miller says, looking straight at me with a cute smirk on his face. My connection with him is broken when Addy takes a little step and pretends to lose her balance into me. “Oh, uh, Miller, you remember my sister, Addy,” I say.

  “Yeah … hey, Addison. Kinley mentioned you today during our little adventure,” he says with a tight-lipped smile. Addy’s head jerks a little, surprised by his statement. I told her I talked to him. I didn’t tell her under what conditions I did that. I didn’t think it mattered, but it clearly bothers her that I’ve had a little “adventure” with Miller.

  “Oh, that was so sweet of her. She’s such a sweet girl. Cal seems to think so. You better go catch up with him, Kinley. He was dying to see you tonight. I think he’s got something special planned for the two of you later!” Addy says. She’s almost shoving me out of the circle and into Cal’s direction.

  “I’ll go with you,” Amy says. “I already need another drink.”

  “Right. I’ll catch you guys later then,” I say, stumbling away but being caught by Amy.

  “Later, Kinley.” Miller smiles. I just smile back at him apologetically and anticipate a tongue lashing from Addy later for not giving her every detail of my encounter with Miller.

  “Why do you let her do that?” Amy asks as we walk away.

  “Do what?”

  “You let her treat you like crap. She did it last year, too. Don’t you remember what happened with Ryan? She sent you on little reconnaissance missions to find things out about him so she could feign interest in them. It’s pathetic, Kinley!”

  Amy is nothing if not straight forward and honest. She’s a great person to have on your side. If you need someone’s ass kicked, Amy will either do it herself or find someone to do it for you. She’s just that loyal. She’s also ridiculously fun. Last year Mr. Fellows let us make a drugstore tampon run. There were a few poor girls who started their cycles for the first time at camp. That’ll be a story that will live on forever for them!

  The drive to the drugstore was the best. Amy has stopped smoking since then, but the entire drive to the store she kept her left hand holding her cigarette out the window and with her right hand she drove, shifted gears, and changed the radio station. She’s talented like that. Then, of course, we got lost on the drive back to camp. That adventure included incorrect landmark sightings, several dead possums, and almost getting hit by a Mac truck. Good times that I wouldn’t trade for anything.

  “Thank you for your concern, and I get what you’re saying, but, Addison is my sister and despite how things can appear between us sometimes, we really do have each other’s back,” I say, locking arms with Amy. “She’ll get with Miller and I’ll spend the summer with Cal and everything will be different and better than it’s ever been.”

  “If you say so, Kinley.” Amy squeezes me closer to her and rests her head on my shoulder.

  “I do say so. This is going to be my best summer ever. You’ll see.” I look over to where Cal had been standing but don’t see him now. Rather than walk around aimlessly looking for him, I figure now is as good a time as any to see if I can get some bonfire shots. The angles are going to be key if I’m going to get anything worth keeping. “Hey … do you mind being my test subject? I want to see if shooting at the bonfires is going to work. If it doesn’t, I won’t bother bringing my camera down with me again.”

  “Sure! Where do you want me?” Amy asks.

  “Hmmm …” I take a few steps to my left and then to my right, tilting my head to see if there’s a good angle.

  “This is a familiar scene,” Miller’s voice rings behind me.

  “You’re developing a habit.” I smirk at him. “Where’s my sister?” I’m a little surprised at his ability to get away from her once she had his attention.

  “She went to get a drink, or something. I don’t know. I wasn’t really paying attention.” Miller takes a swig from his bottle and waits for me to say something. Now I’m looking for my sister, sure she’s going to be embarrassed and then furious.

  “Well, I’m sure she’ll be back in a second and you two can resume your little get-to-know-me session.” I really don’t like that I’m pushing him on her, but if Addy found out I did anything to ruin her chances with Miller, it’d be the start of Armageddon.

  “You’re not as delusional as she is, are you? There’s no way you think I’m remotely interested in her.” He looks at me with sarcastic confusion.

  “I still don’t get that,” I say.

  “I am an excellent judge of character, Kinley. And ever since I started listening to my gut, it’s never steered me wrong.”

  “Oh, really?”

  “Really. I’ll prove it to you. First, your guy Cal is a real douche. Typical football player. I’m sure he’s probably a nice guy if you’re one of his people, but otherwise, he’ll hang your underwear up a flagpole while you’re still in them just for the sport of it. On the other hand, Matthew and Pete: stand-up guys you could trust with your life. Amy: she’s a sweetheart and she totally kicks ass. Carrie? Bridget? As nice as they come. Dave?
Well, Dave’s a good guy, but a bit of a wild card. All in all, these are people you’d be lucky to have on your side any day of the week and twice on Sunday.” Miller takes another swig from his bottle and smiles proudly. Okay, so he doesn’t like Cal. He just doesn’t know him. But, he’s hit the nail on the head about the rest of them, that’s for sure.

  “What about Addy?” I challenge, hoping he’ll give me some clue that he’s actually noticing her sweetness.

  Miller looks at me for a moment, I assume deciding just how honest he wants to be with me about what his gut is telling him about my sister. “She’s a nice girl. Stereotypical fashion major: obsessed with clothes and how she looks. If you’re in her circle, she’ll fight for you, but not at the cost of her reputation.”

  Damn. He’s spot on there, too. Although, I’m the exception. Me. Her sister. I have always trumped any situation regardless of where it left her reputation with certain people.

  Alright, he’s got me interested. He’s the first guy who seems to really want to be my friend. My friend. Not Addy’s. And he’s here, talking with me … not her.

  “And what about me?” I ask softly.

  “You’re loyal and committed … to a fault. A beautiful girl with a beautiful heart. When you’re focused on something, everything else seems to fade away, like the fact that Amy walked away three minutes ago and you didn’t even notice.” Miller takes a step closer to me and my pulse begins to race as our eyes burn together in the glow of the fire. “Am I close?”

  “Very.” My chest heaves with my racing heart and shallow breathing. He just said I was beautiful. I must be dreaming … or maybe Miller is from some parallel universe where people who look like Addison are unattractive and people who look like me are beautiful. I think that was an episode of The Twilight Zone. That’s it. I’ve entered into The Twilight Zone.

  “There you are!” Cal’s voice bellows toward us, breaking Miller and me from the trance we were locked in. Miller takes a step back and turns slightly as he takes a long pull from his drink. “I was looking for you when Addy pointed you out over here.”

  “Here I am,” I stutter.

  “You’re that Miller guy, right? I’m Cal.” Cal extends his hand to Miller and they share a friendly shake.

  “Yeah.” Miller’s answer is short. “Nice to meet you. Later, Kinley.”

  “Okay.” I watch Miller walk away and turn my thoughts back to Cal. Yes, Cal. The guy who I have had a crush on since last summer. The guy who is now into me. But for some reason I can’t let Miller walk away. “Wait!” Cal looks at me with confused eyes. “It’s the first night. We should all hang out together!”

  “Um … sure. If that’s what you want to do,” Cal says hesitantly.

  “Great!” I tug on Cal’s arm and begin walking toward a waiting Miller, who is smirking.

  Miller keeps walking toward our friends once we meet up with him.

  I’ve got to be the stupidest girl on earth not to take this opportunity to go off with Cal. I’ve had a crush on him since last summer. What is wrong with me? There’s just something about Miller. He wants to be my friend and I would feel bad about abandoning him into Addison’s overly aggressive arms.

  “What are you doing, Kinley? I thought you and Cal were going for a walk?” Addy whispers in my ear with her signature lack of discreteness.

  “We were, but we thought it’d be more fun for us to all hang out together. I mean, Mia and Miller are new but they’re staying in The Lodge, so we should get to know them better. Don’t you think?” I propose to the group.

  “I think that’s a great idea,” Pete says immediately. He’s not a fan of how forward Addy is. He told me at the end of last summer that he had thought about going after her but got totally turned off when she slept with Ryan the first night of camp. He said he’d find her more desirable if she would take it down about fifty notches. That was the first time I ever heard a guy say that her easiness was not a turn-on.

  “Yeah, Miller. Where are you going to school? Fill us in!” Bridget asks him while Addison glares at her.

  “Oh, well, um, okay. I just finished my first year at SCAD. That’s the Savannah College of Art and Design,” he says.

  “Oh my gosh! I looked at going there! They have a great photography program, but my dad thought I should put my inquisitive mind to better use in journalism.” I roll my eyes as I consider the number of conversations Dad and I had about this. He tried to make it sound like he wanted me to make the “right” decision on my own, but ultimately won out when he told me he wouldn’t pay for me to go to art school.

  “They do! I have a couple of friends in that program and they love it. It’s a shame you don’t go there. We could have met a year ago.” Miller smiles at me longer than Addy likes because she’s quick to poke me in the leg.

  “You just finished your first year? I thought you said you were twenty-one?” Matthew asks.

  “I wasn’t ready to start college right away,” he explains briefly without looking at anyone in particular. He twists his bottle around in his hand before taking a quick swig from it.

  “Too much pressure, huh?” Cal counters. “You should have just manned up.”

  “I’m sure it wasn’t the pressure. Miller seems like a very talented artist, well prepared to take on the challenges of art school when he was ready,” I say out of some need to defend him. “Besides … Addy and I are twenty and technically should be starting our junior year, not our sophomore year.”

  “That’s different, Kinley. We were preemies and started school a year later than everyone,” Addy says, not sounding exactly like she’s on Miller’s side.

  “I’m just saying we’re the same age and I’m getting ready to start my senior year. It doesn’t look good, if you know what I mean.” Cal nods his head toward Addy like she has some kind of standard for education in the guys she hooks up with. His vibrato is ringing louder than I’ve ever heard it. He’s a pretty tough guy, but I’ve never heard him be rude like that to anyone. It must be because of me. We were all set to take our walk and I diverted our attention to Miller.

  “It wasn’t the pressure of school. I had some personal things going on and I needed to take care of them first,” Miller replies to Cal with smooth and flawless calm. “I’m at the top of my class and I’m pretty sure my being twenty-one and a rising sophomore doesn’t look back to everyone.” He looks straight at me and my cheeks burn. Is he trying to make Cal mad by indicating some kind of interest in me?

  Cal leans forward and contemplates his next move with an intimidating pose. “Let’s take that walk now,” I say to Cal, trying to diffuse the situation.

  “Yes, Kinley, why don’t you do that?” Addy emphasizes. “Here. You can have my flashlight. I’m sure Miller won’t mind making sure I don’t walk back in the dark.”

  “Yeah. Let’s do that.” Cal smiles at me, seeming to move on from the awkward confrontation he and Miller just had.

  I look at Addy and she smiles as she hooks her arm through Miller’s. Taken off-guard, he looks at her but she doesn’t notice him. She’s too busy driving home the point that Miller is hers, Cal is mine, and there is to be no confusion about that.

  Chapter 4

  Cal and I walk in silence for a little bit and finally settle in on some rocks near a clearing that overlooks Lake Hollis. The moon is pretty bright tonight so there’s this really cool glow being cast over the scene. I instinctively pull out my camera to see if I can capture the radiance of the night. I’m so caught up in the moment of taking the perfect picture that I almost forget Cal is sitting next to me on the boulder. When I come back to the moment, I rest my camera in my lap and try my best not to be a photographer right now.

  He doesn’t say anything about Miller, and I certainly don’t bring him up. I have no idea what just happened back there, but it cannot happen again. I can’t believe Miller did that! My blood begins to boil at the thought of what he could have ruined. If Cal thinks that I’m interested in Miller then he
’s going to run, and I can’t blow thing this early on.

  “So,” he says, breaking the silence. “Anything you’re hoping Fellows will assign you?”

  The moment is awkward as I bring myself back. I have to focus on Cal right now. I never thought that’d be something I’d have to work to focus on, but I’ve never done this before, so I guess I have a bit of a learning curve.

  “Actually, Mr. Fellows asked me to be the official camp photographer. They’re redoing the website and brochures and want some new pictures. They also want to feature the scholarship kids, so I’m going to get to take pictures for the next six weeks,” I tell him happily.

  “Oh, that’s right. You already told me that. Sorry! That’s great, Kinley! I’m happy for you! You must be really excited,” Cal says, mirroring my enthusiasm.

  “I am! Thanks! It’s going to be great for my portfolio and will give me a lot of experience. I’m already thinking of some of the activities where I think I can get some great shots of the kids.” I smile and then silently tell myself to shut up. I could talk for hours about photography so I have to consciously hold back. “What about you? Anything you’re hoping to get?”

  “Well, I’m pretty sure Fellows is going to put me at the rock climbing wall again. You gotta have strong guys like me holding the ropes. Makes the kids feel more secure, and, let’s face it, some of those kids are not on the small side,” he chuckles. I give a breathy laugh with him but feel a twinge of pain at his statement. He wasn’t being malicious, but I feel for those kids. I know what it’s like being the kid that is “not on the small side.”

  “Right,” I say.