As I Am

by AnnaLisa Grant

  Awkward silence.

  “It’s so cool the way everything is glowing,” Cal says.

  “Yeah. I was thinking of taking some more pictures, but I didn’t want to be rude.”

  “That’s not rude, Kinley. That’s your passion. If we were sitting by a dam I could probably talk about hydro engineering as much as you could talk about photography.”

  I let out the breath I’d been holding. Things were feeling … off. But now it feels like maybe we can pick up where we left off in our emails.

  “So, you don’t mind?” I say with a hint of hesitancy.

  He smiles. “Can I help?”

  I smile back. “Yes!” I pick my camera up and slide over to the rock on my left. “I feel like there’s a great shot here, but the branches are in the way. I mean, sometimes it’s cool to get the view through the leaves or branches, but I really like the way the moon is reflecting off the water. Do you think you could hold the branches back for me?” I ask after my rambling.

  Cal doesn’t say anything. He’s just looking at me, smiling.

  “What?” I ask.

  “You’re just cute.”

  My heart immediately pounds in my chest and swallow hard as I bite my lip. Cal Harper just said I was cute. Holy. Crap.

  We spend the next thirty minutes moving around the area working to get the best shot I can. I try not to lie down completely flat on my stomach because I’m positive it is a very unflattering position and that’s the last view Cal needs to have of me. But, I notice him watching me while I work and he always has a smile on his face. It’s nice and makes me feel good.

  What I don’t feel is a spark.

  I know it’s only the first night, so I suppose I should have a more realistic expectation. We’ve emailed for months, so we kind of got a lot of that getting-to-know-you conversation out of the way. Maybe this felt more like work for me than a date … or whatever it would be classified as. But, beyond those butterfly feelings of just being alone with Cal, I’m not sure. Maybe I expected fireworks when what I should have been looking for is just the box of matches to light them.

  I promised Addison I’d be open, though, so I’ll be open. This whole scenario is new to me and I’m sure I’m just not reading things right.

  I pack my up camera and think for a few minutes about what to say or do as we begin to make our way back to The Lodge. The bonfire has either gone out or is on its way out because we can’t see it from here like we did earlier so Cal is using the flashlight to light our way.

  “So …” I begin. “What are your plans? I mean, you’re going into your senior year. When do you start looking for a job, or are there a dozen recruiters already clamoring for you?”

  “Ha! I’ve got some options. The most appealing ones are appealing for different reasons and it’s a tough decision,” he tells me.

  “Oh, yeah?”

  “Yeah. There’s a firm in Colorado that has been interested in me since I went out there with a team to evaluate some turbines. I solved a problem they were having and now I’m at the top of their list to recruit. It’s a great job and a ridiculous amount of money.” Cal shakes his head with uncertainty.

  “But …”

  “But I don’t know if that’s what I want to do,” he finishes.

  “What are your other options?” I ask.

  “Well,” he says, perking up. He hasn’t said anything yet and I already know that whatever he’s about to tell me is the option he should choose. Just the thought of it makes him happy. “There’s this new company in Seattle. It’s nowhere near the kind of money Colorado is offering, but they’re just starting up and I think I like the idea of getting in on the ground floor.” Cal stops talking when we hear the sounds of someone getting sick behind a tree.

  “Ahhh,” we hear the girl’s voice sound. “I want to die.”

  “Hey … you need some help?” I ask as we approach her.

  “Tiffany?” Cal says and I recognize her as the girl I’ve seen him with a few times today. She’s a pretty girl with long strawberry-blonde hair and a petite frame.

  “Oh, Cal …” she manages before she hurls again.

  I pull a small rag I keep in my camera bag to wipe off everything from my camera to an object I’m shooting. “Here,” I say as I hand it to Cal. He hands it to Tiffany and she wipes her mouth off.

  “Okay, let’s get you back to Gateway and you can sleep it off. Lucky for you we don’t have to be anywhere until lunch tomorrow,” he chuckles.

  “Oh, god, don’t say lunch,” she moans.

  With that, Cal scoops Tiffany up in his arms like the featherweight that she is and carries her back to her cabin, I shove down feelings of complete and total inadequacy and reason that his ability or inability to pick me up the same way has no bearing on wherever our relationship goes.

  “I’m going to get her settled. Hopefully she doesn’t have a top bunk,” Cal jokes as we approach Gateway Cabin. Most everyone has gone in for the night, not to go to sleep, but to take the party indoors. It gets pretty chilly in the evenings out here and no one really knows how to maintain the bonfire. I took my cardigan off while Cal and I were climbing around on rocks so I could get some great pictures and now I’m feeling the chill.

  “Right, well … I guess I’ll see you later then,” I say, sure I should be saying something other than that. “Oh, you might want to have a chat with Tiffany about over doing it. The Fellows’ trust us not to go overboard.”

  “Got it,” he says with a nod. “I had fun with you tonight, Kinley. Thanks for letting me help you with the pictures. It was cool to get an insider’s view to what you do.” Cal smiles and I look at him holding this beautiful, albeit drunk, girl in his arms. “I’ll catch you tomorrow at lunch?”

  “Sounds good. Goodnight.”

  “’Night.”

  Cal turns and heads down the path to the front door of Gateway Cabin and is inside before I can even turn around myself.

  “Well, that was interesting,” I say to myself. Wait. He’ll see me tomorrow at lunch? How long does it take to get one drunken, passed-out girl into bed? Stop obsessing, Kinley!

  I shift my camera bag on my shoulder and walk up the steps to The Lodge, not letting my mind wander into speculative places.

  My friends all seem to be here in the common room. I avoid making eye contact with anyone and go directly upstairs to put my camera away. I don’t feel like taking anymore pictures tonight. I’m tired and even contemplate if I’m going to go back downstairs.

  Sitting on the edge of my bed, I take my sandals off and consider my options. I could put my pajamas on and load the pictures I took today onto my laptop, ripping them to shreds for how much better they could be. Of course, I’ll have to explain to Addy why I didn’t want to be social. Or, I could go downstairs and just hang out like a normal person.

  Alright. Normal person, it is.

  Leaving everything where it is, I walk downstairs and go straight to the kitchen for a drink. Not a drink drink, but something with the purpose of actually quenching thirst. The Fellows stock our fridges with sodas so we have something cold to drink when we arrive. Snacks and unauthorized contraband beverages are on our own. The Fellows have a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy, but like I told Cal to remind Tiffany, we don’t go overboard. I’m not really a drinker. Addy says I’m a goodie-goodie, but her tone changes from condescending to appreciative when she’s sloshed and needs a ride home.

  I walk past a group of newbies and pull a cold individual bottle of soda from the fridge. Opening it, I take a sip and replace the cap as I move into the common room. Pete, Matthew, and Amy are sitting on the couch while Carrie and Bridget are standing next to them in front of the fireplace. I don’t see Addison anywhere, or Miller. I guess she achieved her mission. Good. That’s … good.

  “Hey, Kin!” Carrie says.

  “Did you just get back from hanging with the douchebag,” Amy asks.

  “You and Cal Harper,” Bridget says with disbelief
. “You’re way too good for him, Kinley.”

  “Why does everyone think he’s a d-bag?” I question defensively.

  “We don’t think he’s a d-bag, Kinley,” Matthew says, nudging Amy. “Not really. We just think you can do better.”

  “Thank you, Matthew. You guys just need to get to know him. He’s really nice and smart, and, well, he likes me, and you have to admit, I’m not exactly the type of girl he normally goes for.”

  “Kinley …” Bridget starts.

  “We’re not talking about this. Okay? Okay. Besides, there’s nothing to talk about. Whatever it is Cal and I are doing is newer than a kitten: it hasn’t even opened its eyes yet!” At least that’s all I can say about it now. He was sweet with me tonight, but I still didn’t feel any real spark like I thought I would. And I can’t shake the whole thing about him telling me he’ll see me tomorrow instead of later after he got Tiffany settled. What is that?

  “Whatever you say,” Amy says with a tight lip.

  “Good. Now, what were you MENSA members discussing when I walked up?”

  “Pete was just betting that he could get Dave to bust another door down,” Matthew says.

  “Really? That’s not much of a bet. Didn’t last year’s door get knocked down because you bet Dave the same thing during the drinking game?” Last year’s drinking games were basically versions of Truth or Dare. Since I don’t drink, I didn’t have to tell the truth or accept a dare, which is good because most of the dares had to do with making out, and most of the truths had to do with how sexually adventurous you were. They guys always manned-up on their turns, always taking dare when the challenger was another dude. A lot of stuff got broken.

  “Actually, he busted the door down last year because he had to pee really bad from all the drinking during the game. So, technically, I guess you could say it was because of the drinking game, but …” Matthew explains with a laugh.

  “Hey!” Addy says, saddling up beside me. “Where’s Cal? Did you two have a good time tonight?” she asks in a sing-song voice.

  “Hey. Oh, yeah, we had a fun. He helped me take some pictures. There was this awesome glow on Lake Hollis and‒‒”

  Addy cuts me off and grabs my arm. “Excuse me, everyone. I have to chat with my sister really quick!”

  Whisking me through the house and onto the front porch, Addy about pulls my shoulder out of its socket. “What do you mean he helped you take pictures? You worked?” She’s let go of my arm and now has her arms folded accusingly across her body.

  “What? We walked out to one of the lookouts and sat and talked for a little bit. We talked about his job options, then we talked about my photography. One thing led to another and he offered to help me get some good shots,” I explain.

  “That is not what is supposed to follow ‘one thing led to another,’ Kinley! You said you would be open to him. How is taking pictures of a stupid lake being open?” Addy practically yells. I’d be worried about people hearing her but there’s music playing in the cabin and most everyone is drinking and oblivious to anything else. “And what was all that between Miller and Cal? If you had just gone with Cal in the first place we wouldn’t have had any of that tension that spoiled the mood I was going to build for me and Miller to take a walk of our own!”

  “First of all, what happened between Cal and Miller was not my fault! If anything, it was really Cal’s. He shouldn’t have been such a jerk to Miller! And what are you expecting me to do with Cal? It’s the first day, Addy! I’m not you. When I say I’ll be open to someone, I don’t mean my legs!” Now my arms are crossed.

  “I can’t believe you just said that!” she huffs.

  “I can’t believe you’re hounding me about the rate at which I’m taking things with Cal! I’m not you, Addison. I’m sorry that I don’t have as much experience and confidence as you to throw myself at a guy. I kind of don’t know what I’m doing and I’d like to take things slow so I can figure it all out. Now you either let me do that or leave me alone.” Addison is staring at me in disbelief. My little spat back at her in the dining hall is nothing compared to the daggers I’m now shooting at her.

  “Okay. I’m just trying to help, Kinley. I know you don’t have a lot of experience so … I’m just trying to help.” Addy stumbles over her words, something that rarely, if ever, happens.

  “Alright then,” I say curtly. I take a deep breath and relax a little now that the tension is slightly relieved.

  “How long have you had this sweater wrapped around your waist?” she asks as she removes the cardigan from me.

  “I don’t know. I took it off a while ago when Cal and I were at the lookout taking pictures.”

  “You should put it back on. Your arms aren’t your best quality, Kin. You want to make sure you’re drawing attention to your face. You have such a pretty face.” Addy pulls the sweater behind me and makes me put it on like I’m a kindergartener. I just roll my eyes. I’m used to the constant attention about looking my best and focusing on my “best feature,” which is apparently my face. It’s a shame I can’t just be a head.

  Ignoring the sweater issue, I move on. “Where’s Miller? You two were looking pretty cozy by the bonfire,” I lie. Miller looked anything but cozy with Addison. “I guess he came around.”

  I hate the thought of him coming around. He’s a deep thinker, a creative type who doesn’t have time for girls like my sister. He said so himself. But, Addy’s always right about what guys want, so I guess it’s just a matter of time.

  “Oh, well, he’s coming around. Not as quickly as he should be, but he’s coming around. I’m hoping we get a few activity assignments together during the first Draft,” she says with bright eyes.

  The Draft is what Mr. Fellows calls the assignment of duties or activities. There are two Drafts: one for the first half of camp and one for the second. He likes to switch us around so that we don’t get bored, although some people stay on certain activities because there’s no one else who can facilitate them, like Cal and the rock climbing wall. He’ll be there all summer.

  “I guess we’ll find out tomorrow,” I say with little to no enthusiasm. I don’t know why I care so much if Miller is into Addy. It’s none of my business who either of them hooks up with. As terrible as it might sound, I just think he deserved better than Addison.

  “Fingers crossed!” she squeals.

  “Yeah … fingers crossed.”

  *****

  I’ve been roaming the camp for the last few hours since activity assignments came out, taking various pictures. I got some great shots of the whole group crowded around the assignment listing that my name wasn’t even on, catching the excited look on my sister’s face when she found out she was going to be a lifeguard for the first half of camp. Anything to get Addy in a bathing suit. She was especially excited Miller was assigned to canoe and water activity duty. I just hope she doesn’t take her years of lifeguarding for granted and get too wrapped up in getting Miller’s attention that she misses seeing some poor kid flailing around in the water for dear life. He just needs to get on board already so she can stop trying so hard.

  I spent some time by the rock climbing wall where Cal and a couple of new guys are assigned. There were plenty of great shots of Cal. It’s impossible for him to take a bad picture, and he was right: when he holds those ropes, his biceps turn into boulders. He is, without question, the hottest guy here … which still makes me wonder why he wants to be with me. It would make much more sense for him to be with Addison. We only chatted for a minute because he was holding the ropes for one of the new guys who was learning the wall, and as much as I wanted to hang out with him, I made myself move along.

  I near the edge of the water and see that Addy and the other lifeguards are out in the lake with one of the lead counselors. With the camera to my eye, I zoom in and see that he’s going over water safety and rescue and Addy is playing the part of model student. She’s gone through this training so much that his tutorial is kind of a waste of A
ddy’s time. She’s been a lifeguard every summer since we were fifteen and Addy could teach this class with her eyes closed. I take a few shots, figuring it would be comforting to parents researching the camp to see the time and effort that’s taken to keep their youngsters safe and move along.

  Camera still to my face, I scan the lake to see if I can catch any wildlife on the water or across the lake. There are a few bubbles from fish in the water and I catch a bird soaring toward a cluster of trees, but nothing too spectacular. A canoe comes into view from the right and I can see that Mr. Webster is teaching someone the basics of boating. Webster is tall and broad, a bigger man than you’d think would be in charge of an activity like canoeing. But he’s freakishly graceful. I’ve seen him get in and out of a canoe with the fluidity of a ballerina.

  Miller is checking the buckles and safeties on the life jackets, and then restacking them in the storage closet. I’m a good distance away and don’t think he’s seen me yet so I start taking pictures of him. At first it’s because I think this would be encouraging to parents to know the care we take in ensuring their child’s safety. But after a few shots I zoom in closer. He’s wearing a tank and I can see more of his tattoos. I thought there were a lot on his arms, but those are just the tip of the iceberg. There are more worded tattoos on his shoulder and across his back peeking out from his shirt, and there’s a small picture of a girl’s face on the inside of his left arm. He’s reaching up to put more life jackets away so I zoom in on her even more, but he’s moving too much for me to get a clear shot.

  I wonder who she is. I’m so weird. I’m zoomed in, staring at the tattoos on this guy and crazy with curiosity about who this girl is. An ex-girlfriend? Sister? Maybe it’s a picture of his mom when she was young. That’s actually the better of the options. I mean, what girl doesn’t like a guy who has a healthy love and respect for his mother?

  I snap a few more shots and have to force myself to stop taking pictures of Miller and his mysterious tattoos. I want to be mad at him for misleading Cal last night but all I feel right now is intrigue.