Embracing My Submission

by Jenna Jacob

  Drake nodded thoughtfully as we turned into my driveway.

  “So, nearly every night I sat across the street and watched and waited. I tried to figure out if I was ready to give my submission another try and a way I could get inside the club, to check it out. Then one night a young woman left the building alone. It was Carnation. I rushed across the street and stopped her. I asked how I could be invited to join the party. She nearly jumped out of her skin because I scared the living hell out of her. There wasn’t one question she would answer outright. I’m pretty sure she thought I was an undercover cop or something.” I laughed softly, remembering how nervous she was.

  “I finally lowered my jeans and showed her the tattoo on my hip. I guess she figured anyone who had the international BDSM symbol tattooed into their skin was pretty serious about the lifestyle. After a lot of begging, she finally agreed to meet me the next night. That’s when she passed an application to me. The rest is history.”

  Mika pulled in my driveway alongside us, and I slowly eased from Drake’s car, crying out as a knife of pain sliced through my ass. In an instant, Mika was next to me, wrapping me in his arms and lifting me off the ground.

  I buried my face in his chest and inhaled deeply. He smelled like rain, fresh and clean, but carried a hint of cinnamon apples, bizarrely reminiscent of my childhood. Dazed by the sudden feeling that in his arms was right where I belonged, tears stung my eyes.

  He held me against his warm, solid chest as I sobbed. Emotions, like an angry swarm of bees, buzzed through me. I melted against him, absorbing his power, his warmth, and his gentle tenderness. At the same time, heartbreak for what I could never have made me long to run for the shelter of my house, lock the doors, and hide away from the invisible thread tugging me toward Mika. I wanted to hide from the feelings that had already begun blooming in my heart.

  Mika tossed Drake my keys to unlock the front door. Slowly, as if afraid to jostle me, Mika carried me up the stairs and to my room. Drake fluffed my pillows then turned down the cover on my bed as Mika continued to keep me clutched tight and protected in his arms.

  Two Dom’s taking care of me. I almost laughed. The role reversal was awkward and a bit unnerving, at least to me. Sure Sammie gave me aftercare, but this was far beyond the normal pampering a Dominant gave a sub after a session. Surely a few cuts on the butt weren’t enough reason for the two Doms to all but fall over themselves ensuring I was comfortable and had what I needed. I was just a sub. An unclaimed, and for all intents and purposes, an undesired sub. Yet both men were almost bumping into each other to help me.

  It was stupid and dangerous for me to feel anything more than gratitude toward Mika. It was stupid and dangerous to allow myself to want and hunger for him. It wasn’t only stupid and dangerous, but complete insanity to cling to any thread of hope that my dreams meant something in the real world.

  I resembled Vanessa too much. I would be a constant, bitter and painful reminder of what he’d lost. I’d be nothing more than a burden of agonizing memories, never a joy to his heart.

  “When was the last time you ate something?” Drake asked as he peeled down the soft nylon shorts.

  “Um, lunch with you...well, sort of,” I mumbled.

  Drake turned and issued a perturbed stare. “You barely ate a bite at lunch. You’ll get the lecture about taking better care of yourself later.”

  I nodded my head with a pensive look.

  “I’ll make you some tea and toast and then we’ll get some pain meds in you. Mika, will you stay with her?” Drake asked.

  “Of course. We’ll be fine. Come on, let’s get you into bed.” Mika gave me a little smile.

  Drake nodded and left the room.

  Mika helped me get into a semi-comfortable position on my side and then carefully sat on the edge of the bed, caressing my shoulder. I wanted to reach up, wrap my arms around his neck, and pull him to my lips. The gnawing need to taste him only reinforced the importance to distance myself. Of course, with his thigh resting against my belly and his warm, long fingers stroking my skin, distancing myself from him was delusional.

  “I don’t want you to argue. I’m staying the night with you.”

  So much for detachment. It was so absurd, I almost laughed.

  “I promise to be a gentleman, and you can unequivocally trust me. You’ll need pain meds in the night, and I don’t want you here all alone. If you wake in the wee hours and need something, I’m going to be here for you. At some point Drake will have to go back to the club and pick up Trevor, so it makes sense that I stay with you.”

  Could I fight him on this? Did I want to? The answer to both those questions was a resounding no.

  “Honestly, Sir, you really don’t have to stay. I don’t want you to feel like you’re obligated to me because this happened in your club.”

  “That has nothing to do with why I insist on staying, girl.” He lowered his head and with a severe look of warning, narrowed his eyes.

  Then why was he staying? The question was on the tip of my tongue, yet I couldn’t find the courage to ask it. I couldn’t risk exposing so many raw emotions. Whispering my thanks, I kept my quagmire of cluttered thoughts to myself.

  “I can’t stop reexamining my actions tonight. I should have demanded to leave the second he locked the door. My gut told me something wasn’t right, but I didn’t listen. I made excuses. His whole demeanor shifted so suddenly, and I assumed he’d been thoroughly vetted. Drake seemed to have confidence in him. Now I feel like I’ve just flushed everything I’ve ever learned about submission down the toilet.”

  “You haven’t, Julianna. Don’t talk like that. And yes, Jordon was fully vetted before being allowed in. James is going over his application as we speak. James has...hmm, friends.” A sly smile curled on his lips. “We’ll get to the bottom of it right away because we missed something, something fucking important.” Mika’s tone was suffused with frustration. “I’m sorry we failed to protect you. Drake’s beating himself up unmercifully, and in all honesty I’m trying not to leave bruises on myself as well.”

  “I know he is. And he shouldn’t be. Neither should you.” I looked straight into his lusty amber eyes. “I don’t want either of you to feel responsible for any of this. Everyone did everything right, except me. I should have known better than to get into a situation like that. After Drake left, I was still floating in subspace and felt so damn foggy it was hard for me to process exactly what was going on. I’d never been in subspace before and didn’t know it made you so drunk. Still, that’s no excuse. It was stupid of me to ignore the first red flag, I mean, I know all about the predators that gravitate to this lifestyle. How could I have been so damn blind and stupid?”

  “Welcome to our world, girl. Drake and I are asking ourselves the same damn thing.”

  “Well, thankfully you, Drake, and the guys came when you did. I just wish I hadn’t been so damn naïve. The person responsible for this mess is Jordon, but guilt isn’t always so levelheaded, and I want to will it all away, including my own.”

  “Jordon is a goddamn player,” Mika roared as he launched off the bed and paced the room. “He knows shit about power exchange. The little dickweed was just looking for a kinky piece of ass.” His jaw ticked and his full, sensuous bottom lip twitched.

  “I wanted him to take me.” My confession was fragile in remorse. “I wanted him to claim me. God that sounds so pathetic.” Tears slipped from my eyes. “I wanted...”

  Mika rounded the bed and knelt, his face just inches from mine. “You wanted the dream, Julianna. There’s nothing wrong with that.” His words of understanding blanketed me as he wiped my tears with his broad, warm thumb.

  “Yes, I did, because I’m a fool. I’ll never have the dream. I mean, I want it badly, but I don’t think I’m ever going to find it.” I sniffed with a disgruntled half-smile that felt more like a kid curling his lip at a plate of stewed spinach.

  “You’re not a fool for wanting the dream. Hell, we all want the dre
am. It just takes time to find the right one. Trust me pet, I do know.”

  “Do you want the dream?” I looked into his sympathetic eyes.

  “Every time I step inside Genesis, I can taste it. Yes, girl, I want the dream.” Sorrow echoed in his words as he sat down next to me again and began to stroke my arm.

  “But yet you don’t have...”

  “I had the dream once...it died,” he subtly confessed.

  “I hope the dream doesn’t die inside me,” I whispered, skirting his confession of loss.

  “Don’t ever entertain that fear. The dream inside you will never die. Your submission is like air to your lungs. It’s who you are, girl.” He leaned over and placed a soft kiss upon my forehead. “Lucky is the one worthy enough to claim you.”

  “I thought I was supposed to be the worthy one. I mean, I’ve spent all these years learning how to be a good submissive so I am worthy.” I couldn’t help but grin.

  “That’s exactly why it’s called a power exchange, girl.”

  The erotic baritone timbre rolling from his throat made my heart ache and my eyes blur from tears.

  “Oh, pet. Are you hurting?”

  “Uh-huh.” I lied to disguise the actual reason for the tears trickling onto my pillow. How was I supposed to confess that my heart was breaking over his loss of Vanessa? How could I express my sympathies for life dealing him such a grievous blow? Or confess I’d walk through a field of broken glass for one chance to submit to him.

  “Do you want to sit or lay while I feed you?” Drake asked. He stood in the doorway clutching a tray laden with cheese, fruit, and hot steaming tea.

  “I’ll sit up. I’m going to feed myself, Moses. Thank you, but I’m not an invalid sweetheart...err I mean, Sir.” I shook my head and rolled my eyes at the thought of him feeding me.

  Both burly men began helping me reposition myself, making sure I was comfortable. I started to giggle, then softly laugh, and finally burst into uncontrollable belly laughter.

  “Don’t push your luck, girl,” Drake admonished with a scowl on his face.

  I somewhat apologized between chuckles. Regaining my composure, I took a sip of the warm tea, and Drake began shoving cheese and fruit into my mouth.

  “I can do this myself,” I protested.

  “Humor me.” Drake’s eyes narrowed.

  “Isn’t there a fetish for this?” I rapidly chewed as he continued to pop chunks of cantaloupe into my already full mouth.

  “A fetish for what?” Drake asked in confusion.

  “Forced feeding.”

  Mika threw his head back and laughed. I couldn’t help but giggle right along with him. Drake shot me a vicious look as I wiped the juice trickling down my chin with the back of my hand.

  “All I know is that your ass better heal up damn fast!” Drake growled and then kissed me hard, right on the lips. Pulling back, his eyes were filled with heartbreaking sorrow. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t there to protect you.”

  I set my cup of tea on the tray and picked up his broad hand. Caressing it over my cheek, I placed a tender kiss on his palm.

  “Moses. You have been my friend and mentor for years. I’ve never once questioned your ability to protect me. There is only one constant in my life and that is you.” Tears began to swell in my eyes as I frowned at his tormented expression. “I will never doubt your love or your friendship, never doubt that all you do for me makes me a better woman, a better human being, and a better submissive. I love you, Moses. Please stop. Please, for me? I’ve never asked for anything more important to me than this. Don’t do this to yourself. It’s breaking my heart.”

  “Goddammit!” Drake groaned, as he scrubbed his palms over his teary eyes and nodded.

  “Thank you.” I smiled with deep appreciation.

  Mika’s phone began to buzz. “Yes.” He stood and began pacing the bedroom. “Are you shittin’ me?”

  He was silent for a minute, but I could tell by the way he clenched his jaw he didn’t like what he was being told.

  “Son of a bitch!” He suddenly stopped pacing and shot a look of rage toward Drake. He shook his head as if in disbelief. “Well, obviously we’re going to need to change that now, aren’t we? This was premeditated. There’s no two ways about it. I’ll get in touch with George tomorrow morning. I want this scumbag nailed to the wall.”

  I watched as a crimson hue climbed over Mika’s toffee-colored cheeks.

  “Thank you, James,” Mika continued. “I appreciate this very much. I won’t be back tonight so tell Sammie to put everything in the safe and lock up, would you?”

  Mika ended the call and paced a bit more as Drake and I watched him with what I’m sure were matching anxiously curious expressions. He rubbed his hand over his bald head then eased back onto the bed.

  “James’s connections found something disturbing. Seems Jordon Cartwright isn’t the man we approved and welcomed into Genesis. That guy is home in bed sleeping, or rather, he was. The animal that did this to you is Dennis McCollum. Seems old Dennis and Jordon look enough alike to be twins. Dennis stole Jordon’s identity, including all his financial and personal information. Jordon, the real Jordon, has been trying to find Dennis for a couple of years. Anyway, that’s how Dennis was able to breeze through our vetting process. Bastard set us up from the get-go.” Mika placed his elbow on his knee and began massaging his forehead with his fingers and thumb.

  “Need a pain pill?” I asked with a tiny smile.

  “No. I need a forty-four magnum,” Mika growled.

  “So that little motherfucker played us all, huh?” Drake groused.

  “Listen, if it hadn’t been me, he would have eventually found another sub to abuse,” I interjected.

  “It still shouldn’t have been you,” Drake hissed.

  “And it’s not your fault,” I hissed right back. “It’s nobody’s fault, goddammit!”

  With his head still resting on his fingertips, Mika turned and looked at me, arching his brows at my outburst.

  “Well it’s not!” I huffed.

  “Yes. I think her ass had better heal quickly.” Mika laughed.

  “See? And you thought I was overexaggerating!” Drake maintained.

  “Overexaggerating about what?” I asked. They’d talked about me?

  “Your smart mouth!” they both said in unison.

  “Isn’t it time for my pain pill?” I snapped with a surly pout.

  They both began to laugh, and Drake nodded his head. “I need to get back to the club. Trevor and I will come by in the morning to check on you. Will you be all right through the night or do you want us to drive back and stay over?”

  “No need, brother. I’m staying with her,” Mika announced, still chucking.

  Drake’s face went momentarily slack. He opened his mouth to say something, but Mika interrupted him.

  “Don’t even think it!” Mika warned.

  “No. I know. I mean...I’m not.” Drake nodded. “Okay, well if you need anything in the night, give me a shout, all right?”

  Mika reassured him he would. Drake bent down and kissed my cheek. “I love you, Julianna.”

  “I love you too, Moses.” I smiled. “Thank you for everything.”

  As both men left the room, I attempted to lean over and retrieve the pain pills from the nightstand, but couldn’t quite reach them. Slowly inching toward the side of the bed, I stretched and almost rolled off the mattress.

  “Just what the hell do you think you’re doing?” Mika thundered from the doorway.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  “I was getting my pain pills,” I answered, issuing a look of challenge.

  “Woman, you do not want to piss me off.” Mika plucked up the bottle, shook out two horse-sized tablets, and placed them in the palm of my hand. I washed down the pills with the rest of my tea and eased back against the pillows.

  “What happens if I piss you off?” I asked, trying not to smile.

  “Keep pushing and find out.” Mika flashed
me a feral, evil-laced smile.

  Nibbling on my lip, I raised my brows. “That’s okay. I think I’m done pushing.”

  “Novel idea.”

  I flashed a look of innocence his way, but he wasn’t buying it. He merely shook his head and laughed. That gooey timbre reverberated off the walls and penetrated my bones. The muscles on his neck protruded as his rock-hard abdomen flexed. Christ, but the man was potent, gorgeous and bursting with sex appeal. I could stare at him for the next millennium and still not get my fill.

  “You certainly know how to keep a Dom on his toes, young lady.”

  “I’m not all that young, you know.”

  An awkward silence filled the room. Mika seemed a tad bit nervous. “Are you comfortable in my shirt, or would you like to change into your pajamas?”

  I nodded. “I’m okay in the shirt, thank you.” Oh, hell was I ever comfortable in his shirt. Too much so. It smelled like him, and it was all I could do to keep from drawing it to my nose and inhaling his erotic cinnamon scent.

  “Do you need anything else? A trip to the bathroom? A glass of water? Anything?”

  “No, Mika. I’m fine. Thank you.” I was somewhat embarrassed that he’d asked if I had to use the bathroom. Silly of me, I know, but it was such a private thing.

  “Okay, the house is locked up.” A look of anxiety flashed in his eyes before he shook his head and looked at me. “I’m going to take my jeans off and climb into bed with you.”

  He exhaled deep and began unzipping his jeans. If I’d not been such a chicken-shit, I would have offered to peel them off him with my tongue.

  “Please don’t be nervous. I’m not going to attempt to do anything sexual with you, but I’m sporting a hell of a hard-on, again.” His lips were drawn in a tight line. “You do this to me all the time, girl. But I’ve already promised that I’ll be a perfect gentleman. You have my word on that.” His face reflected the solemnness of his vow as he tugged his T-shirt over his head.

  But what if I want you to do something sexual, need you to? I silently yearned as I gazed at his massive sculpted chest and stomach. What if I want to trace every contour of your glorious body with my tongue? You wouldn’t stop me, would you?