Choices

by Sara Marion

  “It’s okay, Mom. You’re here now-”

  “No, Paxton! It’s not okay. You are my daughter and I should have been there.”

  Paxton hadn’t seen her mother so animated in years. Not since before Ella. Yet here she was apologizing for her behavior.

  “I should have never let you check into that institution. I should have let you stay with me. I should have taken care of you, helped you, and helped Duke. I took her death harder because I felt like I was losing the legacy of Susan and Greg. I failed them. I blamed you for that. I am so sorry Pax, so sorry.”

  It was the apology Paxton had been waiting for. Paxton looked down. She wasn’t sure what to say. It was plain to see that her mother was feeling guilty about it. She was making amends.

  “I love you, Mom.” She stood and bent over to give her mother a hug. Paxton knew this was really a new beginning for them.

  ***

  Duke stopped by to visit Ella. There wasn’t anyone else there but a couple cars. When he got closer, he noticed that one of the cars was Paxton’s. He turned around. He didn’t want to see her right now. Today was about Ella, only Ella. He didn’t want to start any drama. He hadn’t talked to Paxton since her first day back at the hospital. Before then it was sparse.

  He decided to park down the street at a gas station she would have to pass when she left. He just wanted to see his late wife alone. It was two years ago he lost her. He couldn’t believe that it’s been two years already. He went back to the last few days they were together. They were happy, in love. Her laugh resonated through his mind.

  He shut his eyes and the memory of Ella danced in his head. She laughed and flung around her shoulder out of her face as she turned to face him. He was chasing her on the beaches of Texas. It wasn’t the ocean but she was so excited to see all the open water. Her laugh was his favorite sound in the world. Duke remembered throwing her in the ocean. The good times they had with the friends they were visiting. She took so many pictures, he couldn’t bring himself to pull them up on the computer. She wanted to go vintage and use an old digital camera that used floppy disks. You couldn’t really see the images on the screen she had because she cracked it when they moved into the house.

  Duke remembered them laying on the beach the last couple of days. They wanted to soak up the sun. He had to admit that he stared at her most of the time. She was really happy. He tossed around the idea of moving closer to the coast but he knew she wouldn’t go without Paxton. They were a package deal. He and Jack started figuring that out about a year after Jack and Paxton started dating. Duke hoped that when they got together, Ella would detach a little, but of course that didn’t happen. He would have loved to see her as happy as she was on that beach when they went back home, not that she wasn’t happy already. She was just so free-spirited there. She opened up even more, if that was even a possibility. Her smile was so sweet. He just wanted to reach out and touch her one last time, as the memories floated through his mind.

  A tap on his window startled him. He looked over to see Paxton standing outside his door. He rolled down the window.

  “Hey, what are you doing? You okay?” she asked. There was a look of concern on her face as he stayed silent. “Umm, hello are you going to talk to me?”

  “I’m fine, I was heading over to see Ella,” he finally said. He just wanted to be alone.

  “Want me to go with you?”

  “No,” he snapped. He didn’t mean to. He just wanted to be alone right now.

  “Okay,” he heard the hurt in her voice. “Call me later?”

  “Sure.”

  Duke watched her turn and head back to her car. She turned to look back at him, the concern on her face made him look away. He didn’t mean to be an ass to her but today was hard. Today, memories danced in his mind and he didn’t shut them off. He allowed himself to think about the what-ifs. Some of those now included Paxton and his future with her, if there was even one to be made. When she pulled away, he started heading towards the cemetery. It was time to go visit Ella.

  Walking up to grave, he remembered one of the last moments with Ella. She was so scared. He went to reach over to her but all he heard were the tires squealing. He was pulled away from her as they were hit by another car, flying through the air right before he lost consciousness, he remembered seeing Ella hit the semi. He felt a tear slip as he reached Ella’s graveside. He couldn’t reach her then and he couldn’t now. He placed his flowers in the vase. They combined with the ones Jenny and Paxton left. Her bouquet was beautiful.

  “Ellie-bear,” he smiled. He let his silent conversation continue in the sleet that picked up again. He knew the roses wouldn’t last long so he would need to come back when the weather was nice to replace them.

  He stayed until his fingers started to freeze. He wanted to stay longer, but there was no point in freezing to death. Then again, maybe he could see Ella again that way. As much as he entertained the idea, he knew it wasn’t his time to go. He smiled down at her stone, “I love you. I’ll see you later, Ellie-bear.”

  Duke headed back to his car. The sleet was piling up on his windshield. He opened his door and turned on his truck. The heater came to life and he grabbed his ice scraper. He cleared the sleet with the brush on his scraper. It didn’t take him long as his windshield wasn’t cold enough to freeze it. As he climbed into his truck, he blew into his hands trying to warm them up. The heater felt nice. He looked over where Ella laid, he sent his love to her once more before he left.

  TWENTY-FIVE

  Paxton watched her mom drive away. Jenny wanted to get home before the roads got bad. Paxton called for Link who was out doing his business once more. She was hoped her mother would make it home safe as the look of her driveway it was getting slushy out. The roads would surely be the same. Ryan had called and they canceled dinner. They all didn’t want to be out on the road when it looked like it might get worse.

  She walked back inside and started a fire. She knew they were in for a cold night and a fire would be nice. Paxton was thankful that Jack taught her how to start a good one. She watched the fire grow and smiled. Link curled up on the hardwood floors by the hearth. He was warming up after rolling around in the slush. She set a bone by him just in case he got the urge to chew on something. The last time he had an urge to chew, it was on her most comfortable pair of tennis shoes. Paxton walked back to the kitchen. She wanted a nice cup of tea to help warm her up by the fire. She wanted to curl up with a good book and just relax. It had been a long day with her mother and Ella. With her cup of tea in hand, Paxton slowly made her way back to the living room. She set her cup down on the table and headed into the library.

  Paxton ran her fingers along the spines of the books. After looking at a few titles, she didn’t want to read a romance. It would only lead her thoughts back to Jack and Duke. She felt the worn spines of her books. She smiled at the thought of how many time she read and re-read some of the books. She decided upon a mystery novel. She plucked it from its place on the shelf. She smiled knowing that this was one of her favorite mysteries. A fictional story about a serial killer, how he tries to blend in with society while preying on the innocent. She walked back out to the living room and sat on the couch. Tucking her legs under her, she set the book on the arm of the couch and grabbed her tea to bring it to the end-table closest to her.

  She was halfway through her book when she heard her front door open. She marked her page and got up to see who was walking in. There were only three people with keys to the house, herself, her mother and Duke. Surely her mother didn’t come all the way back here. She peered around the corner and saw Duke walking in.

  “Um, hi?” She was surprised to see him here unannounced.

  Duke spun and looked at her. She could tell he was having a rough day. Dark circles were under his eyes. They were the same ones she saw earlier today at the gas station. He looked disoriented as he stared at her. He didn’t say anything.

  “Are you alright?” she asked him hoping t
o get a response.

  Paxton saw tears forming in his eyes. She knew this was about Ella. She recognized that dark place he seemed to be in. It was the one she just escaped over the last year. Duke stepped towards her. Paxton stood still in the doorway to the living room.

  She felt his hands cup her face as his lips claimed hers. She froze in place unsure of what to do. He broke the kiss as quick as he started it. His hands still cupped her face and she looked into his eyes. They were slightly glazed over but there was serious emotion behind them. Paxton could see the pain he was in, the passion for her behind them. She could also smell the alcohol on his breath.

  Duke pulled her back towards him. She wasn’t sure what to do. Her heart ached for him. He obviously needed her right now but her thoughts quickly jumped to Jack and what he would think. She couldn’t keep going back and forth between them. She knew Jack still held her heart and even though she hasn’t heard from him in a while.

  “Duke-”

  “No, please, just let me have tonight. I just need you tonight. Don’t make your choice right now. Please. Let me have you. Let me have this one moment.”

  Paxton didn’t know how to respond. She knew that Duke wouldn’t possibly love her if he knew her secret about the baby. He wouldn’t give a second glance to her. He loves you though. Her conscience made its presence known once more. Maybe he would actually understand why she kept it from him. She was so hung up on the secret, what if she was missing a good thing with Duke?

  Her thoughts were interrupted by Duke’s hands dropping from her face and gripped her hips. He trailed soft kisses from her temple, down to her cheeks, her jaw, down her neck and onto her shoulder.

  “I can’t,” she whispered stepping away from him. She couldn’t look him in the eye. She stared at the floor.

  She heard Duke sigh in frustration. She turned to face the living room. Paxton couldn’t handle looking at him. She felt warmth collide with her back. Duke wrapped his arms around her.

  “What does Jack have that I don’t have? I have been there for you, I have dried your tears, held you when he left, I was just there for you. I told you I would wait but I can’t anymore. I think you are scared to make me your choice. You are scared that you are too broken. You are scared because Ella was my wife. Don’t be scared. Make me your choice.”

  Paxton choked up. He was pleading but was it the alcohol?

  “Pax, just tell me to leave you alone and I will. Tell me that you don’t want me, I will walk out and never bother you again,” his voice was firm and Paxton felt his hands grip her upper arms, holding her in place. His chin rested on her head as he waited for his answer.

  Paxton didn’t know what to say, she didn’t want to hurt him. She tried to get out of his grip but he only tightened it. Paxton shut her eyes and ripped her arms from his grip. No doubt red marks would appear. She looked at him with tears in her eyes.

  “I can’t tell you why we can’t be together. It will make everything so real,” she shouted at him. She tried to walk past him but he grabbed her arm. She froze in place, unable to look at him. Tears were falling.

  Link leapt up and ran to her side growling at Duke. For only being with her for a couple months now, he has grown very protective of her. Paxton tried yanking her arm away from him but it didn’t budge. His grip was tightening.

  “Duke you’re scaring me, let go.”

  “Tell me why we can’t be together.”

  “You’ve been drinking. You need to sleep this off.”

  “I’ve had a few beers but I am sober enough to know that I want you. I want to be with you, but for some unknown reason, you think that you are not good enough for me. You think you need to be with him because he is the only one who could put you back together. Guess what Paxton? You put your own goddamn self-back together. You only have a few pieces left and I want to help restore those, but you won’t let me. You’d rather have that asshole who divorced you.”

  She thought they were supposed to be working on their friendship but he obviously couldn’t get over what Jack done to her. She tried to move again but his grip wouldn’t allow it. Link came closer to her side facing Duke. He was no longer growling but it seemed like he was waiting for Duke to give him a reason to attack him. Paxton was thankful for Link’s protection. It gave her a little bit of courage and strength.

  “I can’t be with you because you can’t possibly love me.”

  “I love you Paxton Andrews, I love you with every ounce of my heart I have left. You stole it that night at Athens, our first night together. Don’t tell me how to feel about you because there is nothing in this world that would change my mind.” She could see his determination in his eyes. He was throwing the gauntlet down. He was waiting for her to pick up the challenge of loving him.

  Paxton searched his eyes, “Because I have been keeping secrets from you. You can’t love me, you just can’t!” she snapped at him.

  “Make me understand why, Pax. Tell me why you think I can’t love you.” He slightly shook her trying to get it out of her.

  “I can’t,” she whispered in defeat.

  Duke’s grip disappeared immediately. The growl of frustration filled the silence. The look on his face made Paxton regret her words immediately.

  “What are you talking about, just tell me?” He adjusted his stance and gave her a sideways glance. Paxton saw him watching her as he waited for her answer. He was waiting to see if she was lying to him.

  Paxton dropped her gaze. “My darkest secret is buried with Ella. I buried your future in the ground!” She couldn’t look at him but she felt his grip loosed a bit.

  “Paxton, look at me,” his voice was firm. Paxton didn’t dare look up, he would see the truth in her eyes. “Look. At. Me,” he enunciated each word.

  Paxton lifted her gaze, tears formed in her eyes. She looked up and she saw Duke study her as if he were trying to figure out her cryptic message. He said nothing as he continued to stare, searching her eyed for the answer. She saw Duke’s facial expression change before her. He was starting to piece everything together. She didn’t need to say anything to him.

  Duke stepped away from her. He shook his head. Paxton stepped towards him and reached out. He dodged her touch. He bent over grabbing his knees and he hung his head. She could see him breathing heavier trying to control his thoughts and emotions.

  Duke stood but kept his head down, gaze pinned on the floor. When he brought his head up slightly, enough to lift his gaze at her, she could see the hurt in them. She stepped backwards.

  “When you say you buried my future, that you have been keeping a secret from me…are you saying,” he paused looking around trying to keep his emotions in check. “What do you mean?”

  “Duke-” She tried reaching for him again. He dodged her attempt again.

  “Paxton, tell me what you mean.”

  “I can’t,” tears fell down her face. She felt so small. He was so close to figuring it out and she felt her panic rise.

  “Tell me, dammit!” he shouted. Paxton flinched and looked away. She knew he wasn’t going to let this go.

  “She was pregnant Duke,” she whispered hoping that this wasn’t really happening now.

  Duke let the breath he was hold out. He looked at Paxton as she gave him the final piece to the puzzle he was putting together. He shook his head and took a few steps away and turned from her. Paxton felt her heart breaking for him. He should not have found out about this, especially today of all days. She watched as he interlaced his fingers behind his head and crouch down. He was trying to hold himself together.

  “You knew, all this time you knew she was…we were going to-” He paused again and stood up. He turned to face her. “For two fucking years, you knew about this. You didn’t tell me, you chose took keep this a secret. I can’t. Oh god, Ella, my baby. Jesus-” Duke turned around and walked out the door.

  Paxton let out a sob she was holding in. Duke now knew her darkest secret. He walked out on her. She heard Duke’s truc
k roar to life and peel out in her driveway. She ran over and looked out the window only to see his taillights disappearing into the night. Jack’s words ran through her head. You disgust me, I never want to see you again.

  Link whined and stared at her. She looked down at him. Paxton wiped her tears and headed up to her room. Link followed her and curled up next to her as she cried herself to sleep.

  TWENTY-SIX

  Paxton opened her eyes and listened to the silence around her. Her room was darker than normal. She reached over and grabbed her phone. It was a little before eight in the morning. She sighed and felt like a wrecking ball came crashing down on her. Her life seemed to be in shambles but if she learned anything the past few years, she couldn’t run from her problems. She threw the covers off of her and headed towards the bathroom.

  Her reflection in the mirror matched exactly how she felt. Her eyes were red and puffy. The dark circles under her eyes, told the story of how well she slept last night. Her body ached and protested as she moved. Her hair was everywhere. She was a complete mess and she didn’t care. She turned on the water in the shower and made sure it was nice and hot.

  Stepping under the stream, she felt the sting against her skin. She knew she was really awake and what happened last night was not a dream. Duke’s face appeared before her. The look in his eyes, she hadn’t seen it since she told him about Ella. She tilted her head back and let the water run through her hair as that look tormented her. She reached for the shampoo. It was the same one he used to wash her hair several times as she soaked in the tub. She lathered it between her hands and proceeded to wash her hair, clean herself. Maybe she would feel better at the end, but Duke’s pained looks, the sight of him crouched down trying to hold it together. It played over and over in her head. Once she finished washing herself, she stood there.