Finding Laila: Some Changes are Necessary

by T. K. Rapp

  “It wasn’t like that,” he defends, but I stop him because I’m not finished.

  “Where was my choice in any of this?”

  “You’re right, and I have no legitimate excuse except that we’re guys and idiots. But you’ve always been my choice. You’re the only one that I’ve wanted—don’t you see that?”

  I shake my head in disbelief, but no words come out.

  “Laila, for so long I’ve wanted to tell you how I felt, but I guess I was scared.”

  “Scared of what?”

  “Of you.” He raises his hand at me and drops it.

  “Me?”

  “You’re intimidating as hell! You do realize you’re pretty much the perfect girl, right?”

  I shake my head and he smiles before he elaborates.

  “You’re smart and strong—I see everything you’ve put up with and you never let it get to you. You’re comfortable being you. You cuss like a sailor, eat like a guy, and have the looks of a model. From the time we were kids, you were always the coolest chick I knew and I couldn’t help but fall in love with you.”

  This is not happening.

  Wake up, Laila.

  Now!

  “Wait.” I put my hand up, trying to wrap my mind around all of this. “In love?”

  He steps closer to me and reaches his hand to tuck a strand of hair behind my ear, and his knuckles graze my cheek.

  “Yeah—in love.” He cocks his head to the side, uncertainty lacing his face. “I’m sorry I’m not gay, but I am in love with you, Laila Nixon. Is there any chance you’d be willing to go on a date with me and see if you might feel the same way?”

  Okay, liking me is one thing, I’m working on that one, but the in love part is crazy.

  “I’m sorry you’re not gay too, Searle, because it would make things a lot easier.”

  “Easy is boring,” he says as he steps even closer to me and reaches for my hand, “and life is supposed to be exciting.”

  “Yeah, well, I have to admit, this was a twist to the story I wasn’t expecting.” I finally smile.

  “You up for this?” He presses his forehead to mine and closes his eyes.

  “I might be.”

  “Well, let’s get you home and you can think about it.”

  He reaches for my hand as if it’s any other day, but it’s not. We walk back to his car, and when he opens the door for me there’s a different meaning to the action. I glide onto the seat, and as we make the drive back to my house, the silence is deafening.

  “Did you think about it yet?” he teases when he pulls into my driveway.

  My pulse races and butterflies swarm in my stomach at the question. I haven’t thought of Haden like this since eighth grade when he didn’t show any interest in me. Yet sitting here with him now, it’s all I can think of.

  “I’m working on it,” I say quietly.

  We get out of the car and make our way up to the front door, but I pause before entering. When I turn to face him, he’s so close that I can smell his cologne.

  “You’re killing me,” he whispers.

  He timidly wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me close to his body. My hands snake around his neck and we stand there together—familiar, yet strangers in this way.

  Nervousness courses through my veins when he drops his chin and his lips meet mine. It’s a brief kiss that holds so much potential and I want him to do it again.

  It’s as if the wind has been sucked from my lungs when he drops his hands from my waist. Neither of us says a word as he takes a couple of steps back before turning to walk down to his car. He leans his arm on the top of his car and glances back at me, and it’s clear that simple kiss had an effect on both of us.

  I’ve dated guys before and I’ve been kissed, but something about that kiss leaves me feeling like I’ve been missing out all this time.

  I ultimately wave and start to turn to my front door but pause when I see him run over to me.

  “I wanna do that again,” he says breathlessly before crushing his lips to mine, and I all but melt.

  When we finally part, he kisses me once more, heads out to his car, and flashes the lights at me before I walk inside the house. I watch him pull out of the driveway before closing the door and rushing to my room to replay everything and hopefully get some answers from the one person I know has them.

  Chapter 6 ~ Finding Support

  “Hey,” I rush out as soon as Joey answers his phone.

  “You okay?” he asks.

  “Haden isn’t gay,” I inform him, because I’m still shocked by the revelation.

  “No,” he drags, “he’s not, but thanks for the confirmation.”

  “Stop it, Joey. I’m serious.”

  “What’s wrong with you?”

  “I went with Haden to his gallery opening tonight,” I reveal.

  “Yeah, and?”

  “Why don’t you sound surprised by that?” I ask, knowing there is something he isn’t telling me.

  “I knew about the opening tonight,” he admits.

  “But he told me not to tell anyone.”

  “He came to me the other day and asked what I thought,” he admits easily.

  “Wait a minute.” I sit on the edge of my bed and try to understand what he’s telling me. “From the beginning.”

  “What do you want to know?”

  “I want to know how much you know,” I whine. “Did you know about his artwork? Did you know he was going to ask me out?”

  “The art, no. Yes to the date part.”

  “Joey Parker the third,” I shout his full name for emphasis, “what are you telling me?”

  “Um, I think I’m telling you what you already know. But to recap: Haden isn’t gay, I have not seen his artwork for the gallery, and he wants to take you on a date. Did I miss anything?”

  “I’m glad I can’t see you right now because I’m inclined to hit you. And I can’t go out with Haden, he’s my best friend,” I protest.

  “I’m your best friend. And do you have feelings for Haden?”

  “Honestly?”

  “Yeah.”

  “I haven’t thought of him like that in a long time but—” I feel shy admitting that out loud, but it’s true.

  “But now you’re starting to,” he finishes for me.

  “This is Haden we’re talking about. I can’t date him, and now things are going to be so weird. Say we dated, everyone would feel awkward around us, and if we broke up, it would ruin what we have.”

  “Lai, I hate to break it to you, but this is it, kid. This is senior year. In less than eight months we’ll graduate, and three months after that we’ll all be spread across different colleges. If you don’t take chances for fear that it will change what we have, then you don’t give us enough credit.”

  And this is why he’s my best friend.

  “Why me?” I ask. “Why not some other girl?”

  “You’re kidding, right?”

  “No, he’s been on a dating hiatus for years. All this time I thought he was gay because he didn’t have a girlfriend. He never showed interest in any of our classmates.”

  “Sure he did,” Joey argues.

  “Who?”

  “You, Laila,” he states in that tone that he knows drives me mad. “He’s had a thing for you forever. I mean, at some point we’ve all had a crush on you, but we outgrew it. Not Searle. We said a long time ago that you’re off limits because, like you, we didn’t want to ruin anything. But he never moved on.”

  “Yeah, about this ‘off limits’ thing: what is that about? Why didn’t you ever tell me? That’s ridiculous!”

  “We’re guys, Lai. You know we’re idiots, what can I say? Besides, telling you would’ve defeated the purpose, right?”

  “He kissed me,” I say in a rush.

  “About damn time,” he laughs.

  I’m grateful that I can vent to Joey because he’s always told me what I need to hear, not what I want to hear. Well, until now.

>   “Do you think we’d be good together?”

  “Damn, you need a girlfriend,” he teases. “Yeah, sure, I think you’ll be great.”

  “I gotta go,” I tell Joey, feeling suddenly out of breath.

  “Just think about it, okay?”

  “Yeah, I don’t think I can think about anything else,” I confirm before ending the call and tossing my phone to the side.

  I lean back until my head hits the stack of pillows behind me, and let everything that’s happened tonight settle. Joey confirmed what Haden said about having a thing for me for a while, but I’ve never noticed it.

  Have I?

  Haden has always been my quiet champion. He doesn’t always agree with me, but I know he has my back. But that’s what friends do. Right?

  I’ve seen him looking at me, but I’ve never considered the looks anything more than the silent conversations we have always had.

  But he has always been the one waiting for me after school or tagging along to my swim practices when he’s free. Then there are the jogging trips we make a few nights a week. Those are the times where he opens up and shares his life with me.

  I walk over to my closet and pull out the yearbooks for the last three years and thumb through them and find his inscription from freshman year:

  You are the coolest girl I know.

  No matter where life takes us,

  always know that I’m here, waiting.

  Love, Haden

  P.S. If any guy breaks your heart, I’ll break his face.

  “No way,” I say out loud, completely shocked. I’ve read the inscription before, but the meaning is completely different now.

  I skip tenth grade and go to junior year to see what he wrote:

  Laila, I’m glad to have you in my life.

  One more year together before everything

  changes. Let’s make our last one the best.

  I’ll always be here for you. Forever.

  I love you. Haden

  I read his words again, but this time I hear them—I feel them. I say those three words to all of the guys because I do love them. And when they respond, I’ve never read into them.

  How could Joey not tell me that Haden felt this way?

  I grab my phone and dial Joey’s number again and wait for him to answer.

  “It wasn’t my place,” he answers, reading my mind like he always does.

  “But-”

  “It. Wasn’t. My. Place,” he repeats, punctuating each word as he says it.

  “But this is Haden we’re talking about. What am I supposed to do?”

  “Go on a date with him,”

  “I told him I’d think about it,” I admit, recalling our evening together.

  “There you have it.”

  “What are the guys gonna think?” I ask.

  “Do you care?”

  “Well, yeah,” I shrug, even though he can’t see me.

  “Then talk to them—trust me, they can handle it.”

  “Thanks, Joey.”

  “Anytime,” he says before we end the call.

  For a moment I consider calling Braxton, but the weight of everything that’s happened crushes me and I decide to call tomorrow. Right now, all I want to do is sit in my room and give myself time to think.

  My phone vibrates at the end of my bed and I hesitantly reach over to see who is texting.

  Haden: I forgot to thank you for coming with me tonight.

  I stare at the screen and contemplate how I’m supposed to respond. Am I his friend? Do I acknowledge everything that happened? I opt to go the safe route and give a simple response.

  Me: Anytime

  I press send and see the three little dots flash, indicating he is responding, and wait.

  Haden: Then can I see you tomorrow night?

  I backed myself into that one.

  Me: We’re all supposed to go to Cole’s for a BBQ

  Haden: Forgot.

  Me: Rain check?

  Haden: Meet me outside tomorrow? 8am? Run?

  I know that this isn’t our usual run, this is a talk—a talk I’m not sure I’m ready to have. But maybe after some sleep I’ll have a clearer perspective on things.

  Me: 8:30?

  Haden: See you then. Night Nixon.

  Me: Night Surly ;) Sweet dreams

  I’m trying my best to lighten the mood and get us to the place I thought we were earlier.

  Haden: All of you

  I think my heart actually just skipped a beat. Am I flirting with one of my best friends via text? I’ve texted the same thing a million times, and never once was there a flirtatious tone behind it.

  * * *

  “Hey, where are you going?” Haden asks, tugging my hand and pulling me to his chest.

  “I have to get to class,” I smile, trying to walk away again.

  “No you don’t.” He kisses my nose and tugs my hand so I move with him as he starts to walk. “I’m walking you to class.”

  “You two are weird,” Braxton says from the other side of me. “I can’t believe it took you this long. Hell, I can’t believe you thought he was gay, Lai.”

  “Gay-Lai,” Cole says and laughs at the rhyme.

  Joey rolls his eyes and holds Bailey’s hand as we walk past them. “Grow up, Cameron.”

  Cole shrugs his shoulders in response before walking into the classroom as we pass it and Braxton disappears at the door after. I’m not sure where everyone went, but it’s just Haden and me, standing in the hallway alone.

  “I’m glad you decided to give this a try.” He smiles and leans down to give me a kiss.

  I have no idea what comes over me when I pull him as close as possible to give him another kiss. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I’d be here, with Haden of all people. Yet it’s exactly where I am.

  “Me, too.”

  “I’ll see you later?” he asks, though he already knows the answer.

  The bell rings obnoxiously overhead and I stand there watching him walk away. I start to walk toward my classroom, but the damn bell won’t stop ringing and it’s annoying me. I look around and no one else seems to mind the alarm, but I do.

  “What’s wrong with this thing?” I ask aloud, but no one responds. “Make it stop,” I say, but my own voice is muffled as I repeat the request.

  “Laila,” I hear Mom’s voice call to me and I look around.

  “Mom?”

  “Laila, are you going to sleep through that thing? It’s waking everyone up,” she says.

  I sit up, and for a moment I’m lost and confused.

  “It was a dream,” I mutter to myself and see my mom looking at me with concern.

  “Bad dream?” she asks.

  I shake my head and recall as much as I can before she walks further into my room. They were asleep when I got home last night, but I really could have used a girl talk with Mom. I tried to rationalize a way out of my run with Haden, but if I want to keep our friendship I need to at least talk to him.

  “Honey, are you sure you’re okay?” She sits next to me on the bed and I nod. “Wanna talk about it? How was the show last night?”

  “It was—surprising,” I admit before lying back on my pillows.

  “Surprising, huh? Okay, well now I need details.” She lies next to me.

  The clock reads seven-thirty, so I have plenty of time to tell her about the evening.

  “Yeah, surprising. His work is amazing but it shocked me.”

  “How so?”

  “You know I’ve seen his stuff before, but nothing like this. There were pictures of his parents, of all of us hanging out,” I look at her and wince as I finish, “and me.”

  “What do you mean—you?”

  “I mean, there were drawings and paintings of me. But the one that really got me is one of Haden and me—it looks like we’re about to kiss. Mom, all this time I figured he was gay—he’s not dated anyone and I guess I just made assumptions—but he’s not.”

  “What made you think he
was gay?” She looks at me with a raised brow.

  “Am I the only one who thought this? Anyway, that’s not the point—today we’re supposed to talk about things because he wants to see if there is a chance for something between us.”

  “Is there something between you?”

  “I really don’t know. I mean, when he kissed me last night, I’d be lying if I said-”

  She rolls up to a sitting position and faces me with wide eyes and open mouth. “He kissed you?”

  “Yeah.” I smile, recalling the kiss.

  “And?”

  “You remember when I had a crush on him ages ago?”

  She nods and I continue.

  “I used to wish he’d see me the way I saw him, but I always thought he looked at me like a sister or something. Eventually, I moved on and let it go—I had crushes on all of them at some point. But when Haden kissed me last night, it was like some weird girl-dream come true. I don’t know how to explain it.”

  “Sounds to me like maybe you pushed the feelings down since you thought it would never happen, but maybe you never really got over him.”

  I consider her words and she gets up to leave the room. “Mom?”

  She faces me and leans against the door with a knowing grin.

  “What should I do?”

  “What was your dream about?” she asks, and my cheeks radiate with heat. “That’s what I thought. So maybe you already know what you should do. But Luka is going to be incredibly jealous if you end up dating her crush.” She walks over and puts her hand on my shoulder and smiles before walking out of the room and leaving me to my thoughts.

  It’s now almost eight, so I pull my hair into a ponytail and get my running clothes on. A quick stop in the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth and I’m ready to go, but I’m still not sure what’s going to happen.

  My phone chimes next to my bed and I know that it’s Haden.

  Haden: Here early. No rush.

  Me: Be right down.

  I make my way downstairs and Luka is sitting on the floor watching cartoons when she looks up at me. “Where’re you going? Can I come with you?”

  I don’t know why she always wants to be with me—I’ve never given her a reason to—yet she always asks.

  “I’m going for a run with Haden, I’ll be back later.”

  “Haden,” she stands up and runs to the door, pulling it open before I have a chance to stop her.