North Oak 2- Yearling

by Ann Hunter

  She looked at Alex. “Your heart. It gets a little stronger, braver every day. Remember that she would want you to be happy. So jockey up, and push hard for that line. Because not moving on… well, I think that makes them mourn for us. And who wants that?"

  Alex's mouth twisted in contempt as she pushed away from the wall, leaving Brooke behind. "What do you know about grief?"

  Brooke sat on the ugly yellow couch, slightly towards the edge, long after Laura had left. Her fingers curled around the cushion. She stared into the middle of the livingroom.

  Her mom had loved that hideous couch.

  Brooke turned her face toward the kitchen window, the one right over the sink. The morning sun always streamed in and hit right here.

  She closed her eyes and remembered laying here with her mother. I was eight…

  Brooke woke to a rattle beneath her cheek. She raised her eyes to her mother's face slowly. Rowan Merrsal's breaths were tight and sounded like the engine knocking in Pop's beat up old Cadillac.

  "Mom?" Brooke whispered.

  Rowan opened her eyes a slit, with scarcely a soft groan. She'd been brought home a few weeks ago from the hospital when cancer treatments failed. Pop tended to push her more to be up and about as much as she could, but Brooke noticed her mother spending more and more time on the couch.

  They had cuddled up in the middle of the night, Brooke stretching out over her like she had when she was really little. Even though Rowan was all ribs and pointy ends, Brooke didn't mind. She'd had enough time to learn what was coming, and every moment mattered.

  The morning sunlight pushed through the kitchen and struck Rowan's face, accentuating the high, sallow cheeks, and her sunken chest. For a moment, the light caught what Brooke could see of her mother's hazel eyes; glowing gold in the center, with a dancing half-moon of coral brown around the outer edge, like the shimmer of autumn leaves. They rolled toward Brooke beneath heavy lids.

  Brooke offered a brave smile, and Rowan's frail trembling hand reached for Brooke's head. She stroked it so slowly and softly, Brooke wasn't sure it was really there. And in that moment where there was just stillness, and light, and a touch that meant more to Brooke than anything else in the world, she thought maybe this was what angel's love would feel like. To be touched, and yet not quite.

  Rowan's breath became louder and wetter, rattling in a way that made Brooke shiver. Was this how it was ending?

  "I love you, Mom." She reached for her hand, the one where the permanent IV port for pain meds rested, and kissed it.

  Brooke shook from her reverie. That had been Rowan’s last breath. And when she stopped breathing, Brooke ran to Pop, and he ran to Rowan. Brooke would never forget the look on his face when he turned to her, like it was her fault for letting Rowan go.

  She wondered if he still blamed her.

  Brooke sat there alone until she heard her grandfather shuffling around the kitchen, burrowing through the cupboards. Brooke turned. "Pop?"

  He froze like he'd been caught by the police.

  "What's that in your hand?" she asked.

  "What do you think it is? I went to the corner store while you girls watched your movie."

  Brooke rushed to him and ripped the bottle of Jim Beam from his hand. "I told you. No more drinking."

  He reached for it like a little kid being teased by a bully, but Brooke, being head and shoulders taller than him, held it high.

  Joe rubbed the back of his neck. "You, uh, have a nice time?"

  Still stuck still stuck on her mother and Alex, Brooke came to a realization. Alex had said something that struck her. Please don't ever say her name.

  "Why don't we ever talk about her?" Brooke asked.

  "Who?"

  "You know who."

  Joe shook his head.

  "You don't even say her name anymore."

  "I try to forget."

  Her brow furrowed, brought on by a stab in her core. "Why would you try to forget your own daughter?"

  "It's easier that way. Easier to drown your feelings." His jaw set. "And if you're smart, you'll give me that bottle o'whiskey."

  Brooke twisted off the cap and stretched out her arm like she was going to pass it to him. Joe started to smile.

  "Smart girl." He nodded.

  Brooke gritted her teeth and dumped the amber fluid down the sink. "Sorry Old Man, but I think you need to start finding your courage somewhere else from now on."

  Joe dug his fingers into his scalp with a yell. He moved to jerk the bottle from her, but it was too late.

  Brooke let the bottle fall into the sink with a flat, "Oops." She looked at him head on, completely placid.

  "You. You— "

  She folded her arms. "Yeah, that just happened."

  Joe straightened with a flash of his eyes and ground his teeth. He pointed at her.

  "Go ahead. Blame me for your drinking problem too."

  Joe scowled. He rounded, grabbed his flat cap from the coat hanger by the front door and stormed out.

  Brooke let out a huge breath she hadn't realized she was holding. I can't believe I just did that.

  She braced against the counter as her knees bowed beneath her without her consent. Had she really just stood up to her grandfather? It was terrifying and freeing all at once.

  This uneven little smile forced its way to her face, and a pang of guilt hit her at the same time, but the smile just got bigger. She kind of hiccupped a laugh.

  A more serious note overtook her. She couldn’t let Alex do to herself what Pop had been doing all these years. Mom wouldn't want Pop to forget her. She'd want him to be happy.

  The last thing Alex could do was bury her grief like Pop.

  THE TUTOR

  "Come on, Alex. This is an easy one."

  Alex stared outside from her perch on her bedroom window seat as rivulets of rain danced down the pane. She drew her knees to her chest, scooching away from Carol who sat across from her.

  "What's two times two?"

  "Your mom," Alex muttered.

  Carol was quiet for a minute, which made Alex look at her. She hadn't shut up with the math questions since she got here. Carol's brow knit; she was clearly working through something. For the first time, she met Carol's eyes.

  Alex squinted. Are they… purple?

  "Wait," Carol said. "Did you just say my mom is easy?"

  Alex's face scrunched. "Huh?"

  "I said 'this is an easy one' and you answered with 'your mom'."

  Alex walked away from her. "Why are you here?"

  "That wasn't very nice."

  Alex looked over her shoulder, sternly. "I'm not a nice person."

  The hazy light outside hit Carol's eyes in such a way that Alex couldn't figure out if they were really violet or a crazy shade of blue. They were a perfect shade of dark lavender, like the bluebells by the high pasture.

  "Why are you looking at me like that?" Carol asked.

  "Like what?" Alex squinched.

  "Like… that."

  Alex rolled her eyes away. "I'm not looking at you."

  She glanced back to Carol, noticing how her mouth tilted comically, like she didn’t believe her. Alex turned away. "You're still here."

  "All summer."

  "Why?"

  "Should we try reading instead?” Carol pulled another book into her lap and opened it. “We studied Jane Austen last semester. I really like Pride and Prejudice. I brought it along just in case."

  Alex clenched her hands and let out a long breath. She fell over sideways on her bed, Shamu style, staring blankly.

  Carol began reading. Alex wasn't sure she was actually speaking English. "'My dear Mr. Bennet,' said his lady to him one day, 'have you heard that Netherfield Park is let at last?' Mr. Bennet replied that he had not. 'But it is,' returned she; 'for Mrs. Long has just been here, and she told me all about it."

  Alex made no answer.

  "'Do you not want to know who has taken it?' cried his wife impatiently."

&nbs
p; "No, not really," Alex mumbled.

  Carol continued, even when Alex flopped onto her back, rubbing her face. "Staaaawp, you're making my head hurt."

  Carol shut the book and tipped her head back against the wall. She hugged Pride and Prejudice to her chest. For a moment, there was only the patter of rain outside.

  "I love this book,” Carol said. “I've read it twenty times, and I love wondering if diamond in the rough Darcy and stubborn Elizabeth will ever end up together."

  Alex wrinkled her nose and stuck her tongue out. "Why are really here?"

  Carol sighed. "Riding lessons." She rolled her head toward Alex. "Brooke's giving me riding lessons in exchange for tutoring you."

  Alex’s eyebrows raised. "You like horses?"

  "We live in the horse capitol of the world. Who doesn't like them?"

  Alex sat up on her elbows. She rolled the question around in her head, then shrugged it off. "Horses are dumb."

  "Don't sit there and pretend not to care when you live in a place like this."

  She squinted when Carol made that funny smirk like she didn’t believe her. "Are you calling me out on it?"

  "I'm calling you out on that weird look you keep giving me."

  Alex fought a smile threatening to overtake her. Definitely violet.

  She plopped back on her bed and rubbed her face. That smile was not going to win today. She puffed her cheeks, trying to chase it away. "So what are we doing?"

  "What would you like to do?"

  She kept fighting the smile. For the first time someone was actually asking what she wanted.

  Alex gave up. The smile won.

  She led Carol to the boarding barn tack room and slung a bridle over her shoulder, then grabbed a saddle and pad. Before leaving the house, she had Laura call Brooke and ask her to meet them there.

  Brooke trailed up behind them just as Alex came out with the gear. "What's going on?"

  Alex headed down to Approved's stall and opened the door. "Got time for a lesson?"

  Brooke nodded. "Yeah, sure."

  Alex led Approved into the aisle and started getting him ready. "Good. Take care of the Marshmallow."

  The gelding nudged Alex as she slipped the bridle over his head. She blew a raspberry on his cheek, playfully shoving him back. The nerves of being around him from earlier lessons had faded.

  As she positioned the saddle and pad over his back, up against his withers, she passively listened to Brooke guiding Carol through the steps. They were still talking when Alex unclipped Approved from the cross-ties and took him to the indoor arena.

  As she led the gelding around, she noticed herself in the mirrors. Sometimes she felt like she didn't recognize herself anymore. A girl beside a horse who looked awkward and like she belonged there all at once. When she first started, she was still kind of scrawny, but now she thought like she might be filling out.

  Approved's snort broke her gaze. The bit rang in his mouth, green bits of grass slobbering onto Alex as he rubbed his head against her shoulder. She placed a hand on his neck. "Ready to go, boy?"

  He whickered and paused in the middle of the arena. Alex looked over her shoulder to see Brooke giving Carol a leg up on Thorne, the horse Laura had ridden to the high pasture. Brooke gave her some instructions and Carol nodded.

  Alex pulled down her stirrup and gathered her reins. Brooke dragged the mounting block over. When she stood at the top of the stairs, Alex peeked over her saddle to check if Carol was looking. She was still kind of embarrassed she couldn't mount by herself yet.

  Brooke removed the block when Alex was up. "Laura said you went for a little run. That's great and all, but I want to make sure your posture's correct."

  She returned with a long lead line, clipping it to Approved's bridle. "Without the right seat, you can get hurt."

  Alex double checked the strap on her helmet and gathered the reins. "What are we going to do?"

  Brooke stepped back a few feet, glancing toward Carol. Alex looked too, watching the Marshmallow guide her mount down the long wall, bending Thorne's neck toward it. When she rounded the corner to the other wall, she bent him the other way.

  "Warm up exercises?" Alex asked.

  "Just for her," Brooke answered. She turned her eyes back to Alex. "I want you to take your feet out of the stirrups, and steer Approved out from me a ways. Pick up a trot counter-clockwise from me."

  Alex nodded and urged the gelding into a trot. She grimaced that he was kind of bumpy without her being able to use the stirrups to post.

  "You're all over the place, Al. Sit deeper."

  She sighed and tried to do what she was asked.

  "The fact that you're struggling at this tells me you rely on your stirrups too much. No more stirrups until you've got this down."

  Alex groaned.

  "Even during our tiff we had a few lessons and you were doing fine at the trot, but you had stirrups. You should know how to do this without them. Sit up straight. You're slouching."

  She wondered if Brooke was getting back at her for their fight. Had she always been this much of a task master?

  "That's better. Much better. Now we get to the fun part. Rein in on your left, and nudge your right leg forward. Be prepared for a big move."

  Alex kept her eyes between Approved's ears and took a deep breath. What would happen when she complied? Would he throw her? If ever there was a chance for Brooke to get back at her and put her in her place, it was now when she was vulnerable.

  Just trust him, Laura's voice echoed in Alex.

  She pulled her left rein and squeezed with her right leg. Approved rocked back and moved into a fluid canter. He swept around Brooke in a wide circle like the minute hand on a clock. Alex couldn't stifle the grin that crept on to her face when Brooke praised her.

  "Good."

  Another time around Brooke. Alex loved the sweep of air brushing back her bangs beneath the edge of her helmet. I could do this all day!

  Her smile faded when Brooke corrected her. "You're leaning too far back. I know it seems easier to sit a canter, but you need to remember that line from your head to your heels. You look like you're about to lay down and take a nap on him."

  Approved's ears flicked back as Alex readjusted her seat. After a few minutes, Brooke shortened the lead rope and slowed the gelding down. Alex eased him to a halt.

  Brooke unclipped the shank. "I want you to go around and practice your sitting trot. Focus on keeping your back straight. I'm going to go work with Carol."

  Alex clucked Approved into a walk and put him against the opposite wall from Carol, glancing their way.

  "What lap you on?" Brooke asked Carol.

  "Four, I think."

  "I've got Alex trotting, so I think it's time you join her. We're going to run up your stirrups and drop your reins."

  Alex raised her chin and chest with a smirk playing at her mouth. Marshmallow was good at math, but was she good at riding? Alex couldn't deny she would feel some vindication if someone was worse than she was at her own first lesson.

  When Carol dropped her reins, Brooke had her stretch out her arms and turn at the waist, back and forth like twisted chains on a swing set. After that, her hands went to her waist and Brooke clucked Thorne into a trot. She didn't keep a lead on him like she had with Approved, just followed them down the wall with a studious eye.

  Alex grimaced as she turned Approved through the bend. It seemed like the Marshmallow was just as good at riding. Or maybe I'm that bad, Alex thought.

  And just as she thought it, Thorne bolted.

  Alex pulled Approved to a stop. Brooke yelled across the arena, "Whoa, whoa, whoa!"

  Carol clutched the reins. Thorne reared, then side-galloped across in a cloud of dust straight toward Alex.

  She put her heels to Approved, hauling him out of the way. Both geldings squealed when Thorne nearly slammed into them. Carol's face was white.

  Approved kicked at Thorne, popping Alex five inches out of the saddle. She grabbed
his mane to stay aboard and yanked him away before they tangled into a catastrophic mess.

  Brooke bolted to them, spreading her arms to back the out-of-control duo into a corner. Thorne threw his head, whinnying. A light lather shone against his seal bay coat.

  Brooke grabbed his bridle before he could take off again. "Are you okay?" she asked Carol breathlessly.

  Her eyes damp and a little too bright, Carol visibly shook even from where Alex sat across the wall from them. The Marshmallow wilted forward as if to catch her breath. She started to laugh.

  Holy Hell. Alex's face contorted. Who laughs after something like that?

  Approved breathed heavily beneath her, dragging the reins anxiously through her hands. She swallowed hard and circled him, never taking her eyes off Marshmallow. It was the first time she felt completely confused about the girl. Eyes like the glen by the high pasture, who laughs at danger. And the math thing?

  I don't get you, Alex thought. She turned Approved and rode toward the barn, looking over her shoulder at Carol. But I like that you're crazy.

  Alex watched Promenade careen recklessly around his paddock in the late-May sunset. Tiny specks of dust floated in the rays of light around him.

  She leaned against the fence post, resting her head on her arms. When Promenade settled down to graze, she clucked at him to see if he would come over.

  Promenade's ears twitched, but he ignored her almost as usual.

  Alex bit into an apple she had brought, trying to make him jealous. At the crunchy snap of apple skin, he raised his head and swished his tail, but went right back to grazing. Alex sighed.

  "Sure is a nice night."

  Alex recognized Brooke's voice and chewed the piece of apple like she hadn't noticed her creep up.

  Brooke hitched her toe over the bottom fence board and folded her arms over the top. "How are things going with the whole tutoring thing?"