Mercy F*uck

by K. S. Adkins

  Belting the lyrics, Is It Too Late Now to Say Sorry? Cause I’m missing more than just your body. Yeah, I know that I let you down, is it too late to say I’m sorry now?

  As the snappy chorus plays, I twirl and drink at the same time. Closing my eyes, I dance my ass off enjoying the solitude. I needed more nights like this, I realized. Though my parents and sisters, hell even my staff, all complain I work too hard, I always dismissed them. They counted on me and I couldn’t let them down. Not now, not when I have so much on the line. And there goes my fucking Zen…

  Feeling a disturbance in the cabin, I opened my eyes and started screaming. Losing my balance, I nearly break my neck on my way to the floor. Because standing five feet in front of me was Axle holding a six pack, wearing a smirk I remembered well. Too well. Pushing up and doing my best to play it cool, I casually lean against the wall like I hadn’t just let loose a B-movie scream and ate carpet.

  “You got a thing for minors now?” he asks, fighting a laugh and I zeroed in on his laugh lines. On how perfect they were. On how I wasn’t around to watch them happen. Mostly it gutted me that I wasn’t responsible for them. Because I used to make him roar with laughter. Then I got pissed for giving a single shit.

  I give no fucks because I am sans feelings!

  “Fuck you,” I squeal which pissed me off. “How’d you get in here?”

  “Bieber, Drew? Really?” And when the track changes to another Biebs hit he actually loses it. This pisses me off because the Biebs new album does not suck. It was different and I liked it. I wasn’t sure why I did but I assumed it was because his balls dropped and I wouldn’t go to hell for wondering what he looked like naked.

  “Stop laughing!” I demand but he wasn’t listening. Shutting off my iTunes a few things became very clear.

  I was naked; only wearing boy shorts, it was deathly quiet, and Axle had a semi.

  I had my fist around it once…Focus, slut! And it was twice, asshole.

  “Again, how’d you get in here?”

  “Jimmied the lock,” he was blatantly staring at my tits and I couldn’t blame him, they were big and perky. Time had not altered my rack. If anything, it immortalized them.

  “How’d you find me, he-slut?”

  “File said you had a boat, that it stayed docked here and I heard this ear assault from the gate. Wasn’t hard.”

  No, but he was and that was a problem. Giving him my back, I hit the steps to my room and pull a t-shirt on before facing him again. Not that it mattered, though because he was still staring and I despised that I liked it. If my nipples could smile, trust me, they would be all teeth.

  “Despite Foxy’s aversion to rules, bondsman do not have the jurisdiction to pick locks and trespass, douche fairy. So, turn around and leave before I make a call.”

  “You’re going to call the cops on me?” he asks, cracking a beer uncaring of my threat.

  “No,” I say grabbing my own. “I’ll call Foxy and let him do the dirty work.”

  Shrugging it off he asked, “Is it true you hired the kid you pistol whipped?”

  “Yeah, so? His dad was the problem, not him. And it was a bitch slap from my hand that happened to be holding a pistol. I didn’t actually use it on him. I do have manners, you know.”

  “Hell of a show tonight,” he says changing the subject and taking a seat at the table. “I’m still thinking about it. The crowd got off on it.”

  “So did you.”

  “Never said I didn’t. Was in the crowd, wasn’t I?” Don’t look at his cock— too late!

  “Leave,” I order him pitifully. “I have shit to do.”

  “Like what?” he questions leaning back and putting his boots on my fucking table. “Listening to Taylor Swift?”

  “Get your God damn Docs off my table, sir-fucks-a-lot!”

  “How much you give for this thing, anyway?” he chuckles leaving his big feet on the granite. “New, it retails for at least half a mil.”

  Ready to choke him, I hear a crash from my gate and before I could reach the blinds, Axle was there covering my mouth with his hand. “Do not move,” he warned caging me in with his arms. Rolling my eyes, I was about to tell him to fuck off when we were boarded. Dread settled over me. “It’s Friday,” I mumble in mortification.

  Why did this feel like my dad catching me all over again?

  “Has been all day, princess obvious. You get company out here?”

  When the company called out, “Drew, baby? It’s me, open up,” I bit my lip to keep my mouth shut. I had no reason to explain myself to him, yet I felt like I just got caught giving a handy in church, to the priest. I guarantee my face was all sorts of red and I wasn’t just feeling cornered but claustrophobic too.

  “Who the fuck is that?” Axle rounds on me but I found my nerve, pushed past him, hit the steps, and opened the door to Darius, who saw me in a t-shirt and boy shorts and scooped me off my feet.

  “There she is,” he said holding me up by cupping my ass in his big hands. “Fuck, you got too many clothes on. You cold or something?”

  Before I could break away or jump in the water to hide like a coward, I heard Axle’s heavy boots followed by his big mouth. “Darius Miller?” he accuses loudly. “Tell me you’re not fucking Detroit’s quarterback?”

  “She would be if you’d leave,” he said gripping me tighter as if I’m his. Which by the way, I wasn’t.

  “Who the fuck is this guy, Drew? Maintenance? They work this late?”

  “Actually, Darius, now’s not a good time,” I whisper in his ear because I was literally dangling in the air and I could feel Axle ready to kill, I just didn’t know why he would. But Axle loved to fight and rarely needed a reason and clearly that hasn’t changed. And it’s still hot, too!

  “Okay, baby,” he said kissing me hard, taking me at my word. “I’m in town until Wednesday, I need to see you.”

  “Just call first,” I ask nicely as he lowers me back down. “Work’s been crazy.”

  “Still planning on being there for the grand opening,” he whispered just loud enough to be heard then seals his lips on my shoulder. The fury on Axle’s face made it clear Darius leaving needed to happen yesterday.

  “Later, D,” I say backing away.

  “Hey,” Darius called out to Axle. “Do I know you?”

  “No,” he grunts moving closer to me. “You don’t.”

  “Good,” he laughed loud. “Make sure it stays that way, I don’t share.”

  Then he walked away whistling, like a champion.

  At a loss of what to do, I was saved from doing anything when Axle hoisted me into his arms and back down into the cabin. When he started pacing, I knew I’d need another drink and possibly a chastity belt. I didn’t need my past or my future fucking me right now.

  “Stop fucking staring at her,” I warned Mike.

  “Why not?” he countered. “Everyone else is. Dude, come on, that rack, that ass, and that face? She’s hot.”

  “She’s not a piece of ass,” I threatened, but if Mike was anything, it was slow on the uptake.

  “Maybe not to you but she sure as fuck could be to me.”

  “You go near her, I’ll break your jaw.”

  “Long as my dick works, I could live without my jaw.”

  I was about to take Mike up on his offer when Drew sauntered over and said hello. To me. Not fucking Mike, me.

  “You look ready to kill,” she grinned down at me. But she doesn’t even spare Mike a glance when she slides his mug across the table. “Who are we burying?”

  “No one,” I tried playing it off but she knew me better than anyone and didn’t buy it.

  “Our boy doesn’t like competition,” Mike offered smugly.

  Making eye contact with him, Drew cocked her head and asked, “You’re competition?”

  “Sure am,” he winked at her.

  “Aww, you’re cute,” she said patting his head. “But not that cute, more like puppy with his first stiffy, cute. The one you
toss your old sock monkey at so he can dry hump it. Sorry pup, you’re just not on Axle’s level.”

  “What’s Axle got to do with anything?” he countered clearly confused.

  Swear to God, when she looked at me and said, “Only everything,” I almost came in my jeans.

  Darius Miller.

  She was fucking an NFL quarterback for fuck’s sake.

  He’d be all over her tonight had I not shown up.

  There was even a possibility she still planned to fuck him sometime between now and God damn Wednesday!

  The familiarity in how he touched her. He’d done it before, often. He knew her body.

  Watching him grab her ass, the ass I had first…

  That was my ass!

  I never considered she might be seeing someone and even if I had, I wouldn’t have fucking thought, Darius Miller.

  I sure as hell couldn’t compete with that guy.

  Hell, mere mortals couldn’t compete with that guy.

  For the first time, I truly felt I may not have a fighting chance.

  I knew I needed to calm down but I couldn’t do it. I wasn’t liking my odds right now. Fuck, I was in the negative before he showed up and saw her wearing only… Is thirty-one too young for a heart attack?

  While I paced, she watched me while drinking her beer quietly. Fact: Drew was never quiet unless she was upset or felt guilty. Did she feel guilty for getting caught with her ass in his hands? Or, was she upset she wasn’t get laid tonight?

  Oh, fuck! I was a cockblocker!

  When she lights a smoke I grunt, “Gimme one.”

  “You don’t smoke.”

  “It’s been nine fucking years, Adolf Titler, you don’t know what I do anymore.”

  “That’s true,” she said tossing the pack to me and shrugging it off. “By all means.”

  But I didn’t smoke and I hated my bluff being called so I hurled the pack back at her and fought a smirk when it hit her in the left titty.

  “Real mature, taint Nazi.”

  Can’t strangle her…

  “You got anyone else showing up I need to know about?”

  “No,” she says unaffected by my temper. “It’s Friday. Fridays are Darius’s if he’s in town. I never back to back, I think it’s tacky.”

  “You have a schedule?”

  “You don’t?” she asked and when she blinked innocently at me, I almost punched a hole in the boat. But out of respect for the quality built vessel, I didn’t. She could not be serious, could she? We’ve been apart too long for me to tell if she was bullshitting me or not. I fucking hated this.

  “How many guys are you fucking to need a schedule, Kimye?”

  “Kimye? She sputters. “That was low, even for you. Go home, cock socket,” she sighed and still refused to look at me. “I’m not playing your reindeer games.”

  “Gonna call Darius?”

  “I don’t owe you shit!” she yells finally losing her cool.

  “The hell you don’t!” I yell back, never having a handle on my own. “Why’d you walk out on me and disappear?”

  “Why won’t you leave!”

  “Answer me and maybe I will!”

  Pushing me but getting nowhere, she grunts and says, “God, I fucking hate you!” Right as a bullet blew by us and embedded itself into her microwave.

  “Son of a bitch!” she screams. “Now my shit’s getting filled with holes! This is your fault! You bail bonded nitwit motherfucker!”

  Tackling her to the floor, I roll on top to cover her and ask, “Please, stay the fuck down.”

  “If you get hit I’m letting you bleed out.”

  “Maybe you’ll get lucky and get your wish, Drew,” and then for a split second I saw her mask fall. She didn’t want me hurt, she didn’t know what she wanted but hearing her name on my lips affected her.

  “Don’t bleed on my boat, moral majority,” she mumbled but I could only focus on how soft her skin was. When another bullet tore through, she growled, reached under her couch for yet another gun and pushed away.

  Where does she keep getting guns from?

  “You know what, Noah? If I waited for you, we’d take on water and sink. I’ll handle this from up top, you stay here and finish your beer, rookie.” Scaling the steps, I swore I heard, “Didn’t Foxy teach you anything? Acking Fusshole.”

  No sooner did she reach the top, I heard her return fire. I also heard her yelling out obscenities and death threats.

  I couldn’t see shit from where I was and it pissed me off that I was at a disadvantage. There was no helping her from down here. But I needed to watch the door in case anyone tried to enter. It infuriated me that she ran up straight into danger and I was feeling raw that she left me behind. Minutes ticked by in silence and when it was clear the shooter had bailed, the cabin became quiet, too quiet.

  “Drew?” I call up to her. “Get your ass down here.”

  Coming down the steps, she enters the cabin in just her t-shirt and sighs. “Whatever mess you stepped into, I need you to take that mess with you when you leave.”

  Until I figured out what was going on, those rounds could have been intended for either one or, both of us. I also wasn’t telling her that until tonight I’d managed to do this for nine years without being shot at. Bottom line was right now; I was watching my mouth. More time passed by and we were both still tweaked about being shot at, twice, in one night. Both of us stared out the windows into darkness looking for something but finding nothing. She might be a bad ass, but no one liked being shot at, period. I sure as fuck didn’t enjoy it. My God damn hands were still shaking. Twenty minutes later, it was safe to assume the threat wasn’t returning, at least not tonight.

  “We used to be tight, I used to know everything about you,” I say grabbing a new beer ready to hash this out. “What did the world do to you, Drew?”

  “The world didn’t do anything.”

  “Then who did?” I risked asking her. But she was getting angrier by the second and I didn’t care, just kept pushing. “The girl I remember was an open book. She told me everything. She hugged hard, laughed loud, and looked at me like I was worth a shit. She looked at me like she loved me.”

  “I’m not her anymore,” she exhales refusing to look at me while I pour my fucking heart out.

  “I can see that,” I admit sadly. “Just wondering who stole your shine. You tell me and when I find him, I’ll kill him for doing that to you.”

  “I don’t see suicide being your thing,” she says hitting her cigarette and looking at me with so much hurt, I almost crumbled. “Because that would take balls, something you don’t have.”

  “Woman,” I pray to the ceiling. “Enough with the mystery. Just tell me what I did!”

  “Two words, Axle,” hearing her say my name gave me hope until she said, “Mercy fuck.”

  “Oh shit…” I wheeze, remembering Mike banging on my door that morning. “You heard that?”

  A million emotions danced in her eyes but all she said was, “See yourself out, asshole.”

  I didn’t see myself out, what I did was follow her sassy ass right up those steps. I did not give her a second to prepare for the moment I grabbed her hauling her to me. Because if I did she’d probably nut me again.

  Forcing her to look at me, I was about to tear into her for getting it all wrong when I saw her eyes filled with unshed tears. Tears I caused and all these years and had no idea.

  Drew was too pretty for tears and I was determined not to let them fall.

  Not over a misunderstanding.

  “You’re leaving?” he asked looking so confused I almost fell to the floor begging him to take the words back. But I would never beg. Not for him, not anyone. I swear to God when he reached for me I almost caved. Then those fucking words slapped me in the face and for the first time in my life, I nutted a guy. I needed him to hurt, to feel pain.

  Axle would never know how much hurting him hurt me no more than he’d ever know that he’d taken my heart, my
trust and my world and fucking destroyed it. Mercy fuck. Two words that would change the course of my life and I’d allow it.

  Not only was I a terrible bluffer with the whole schedule thing, I hated that he believed it and that it caused him hurt. Then I hated myself for caring in the first fucking place! Feelings are for pussies remember?!?

  And he’s the enemy for fuck’s sake! Get your shit together, Carol!

  But the look on his face… as if, those two words hurt him too.

  No.

  He would not receive the benefit of the doubt. Not now, not after nine years of festering hate that started with him! Refusing to process any of this, when my fight or flight response kicked in, I ran for it.

  Only I was on a boat, with no place to fucking run to.

  Needing to breathe, needing to be left the hell alone, I was granted neither when he wrapped his arms around me and held me tight.

  “Let me go,” I tried demanding but it sounded more like a whine.

  “Drew,” he said my name so softly, just like he used to and I hated him for it. I hated that I fell for his lies once, I couldn’t do it again. I hated that I let what happened that night affect me this long. I hated that I wasn’t her anymore. The girl who was all those things he mentioned and more. Because I did love him. I saw nothing but him.

  Over the years, men have tried, good men, to get through to me but I mistreated everyone. I broke them, used them. Never, not once, did I enjoy it but I reasoned that it was better it be their heart than mine. For everyone I hurt, I always hoped Axle somehow felt it. So when he kisses my nose, the tears did fall and I hated that too. “Wish you would have talked to me,” he says using his thumb to wipe my cheeks. “I would have explained to you why I said it.”

  Just like that, I was her again, the young woman head over heels for the bad boy, desperate for his attention. Apparently I wanted answers too.