Beyond What is Given

by Rebecca Yarros

  What? “Out back? On the deck?” It faced the channel, with a nice view, but were we all going to fit on the deck?

  “Aren’t you hungry?” she asked, not really answering.

  “Yes, ma’am,” Carter replied, somehow manifesting the southern drawl he’d beaten out of himself at West Point.

  Mom led the way, and I held Sam back, kissing her just because I could. “Welcome to my home.”

  She glanced around. “I like it. It feels…solid, sturdy.” Anyone else might have taken that as weird, but I understood what she was saying. She’d never had a home for more than two years, so to Sam, solid was golden. She unleashed an impish grin. “Do I get to see baby pictures?”

  “Hell no.” I glanced down the hall and made sure everyone had followed Mom out onto the deck, and then I kissed Sam again, gently sucking on her lower lip.

  “Your mom is going to catch us.”

  “Let her.”

  She laughed, making my house feel more like home than it had in the last five years, and kissed me enthusiastically with a smacking sound. “Stop avoiding your family and feed me.”

  I nodded, resigned myself to the insanity of the evening, and walked with her down the hall, pulling her past the pictures that lined the hallway with a promise that she could examine them later. Later like never. I’d been scrawny until a few years ago, and I knew she was attracted to this body. I’d keep that.

  Mom opened the sliding door to the back deck with a huge smile and bright eyes. “It’s about time, Gray. We have a little surprise for you.”

  My stomach clenched. They wouldn’t. They know better.

  I held Sam’s hand while she stepped over the barrier, but the deck was empty. I will fucking kill them. Mom pointed to the edge of the banister, and I just…knew.

  “What a gorgeous view,” Sam said, looking over the water as the sunset turned it an array of colors. Then she looked down. “Whoa.”

  “Surprise!” the crowd yelled from beneath us. There had to have been seventy people, all crowded onto the patio and the pool deck, hell, even the walkway to the beach. I swallowed and held Sam’s hand in a death grip, using her to ground me in the present. “Happy Birthday!” they shouted in unison.

  Every muscle in my body tensed, and my stomach contents turned over, threatening to make an encore appearance.

  Sam looked up at me, her eyes wide and a little hurt. “It’s your birthday?”

  I let go of her hand and stretched out my fingers. I couldn’t hurt her. I had to keep in complete control. Space. I needed space. Then I turned to my mother, whose mouth had drooped slightly, understanding that her plan had failed.

  I gave a swift shake of my head and walked back in the house before I devastated her feelings by saying something thoughtless.

  “Gray,” she called after me.

  I didn’t look back.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Sam

  The moment Grayson disappeared, his mother stepped to the banister and raised her arms. “Thank you! Let’s get this party started!”

  She sounded joyful, but the small tremble to her jaw told me otherwise.

  Something had gone terribly wrong. I searched for Jagger in the crowd, and when I found him with one arm around Paisley, he raised his hand in the what-gives position. I shrugged in answer, but I wasn’t going to stand there like a clueless idiot when Grayson was obviously in pain.

  Over a birthday?

  Music blared to life through the speakers around the pool, and people started mingling and heading for the bar that had been set up near the beach. Nearer the water I could see a volleyball net. His parents had gone all out for him. It was a phenomenal beach party.

  The summer of my senior year, we had a huge party at the beach.

  His words sliced through my memory, and I gasped. Mia charged up the steps and I finally understood why she’d been trying to get his attention on the front porch. She’d been trying to warn him.

  I turned to his mom. “He wasn’t ready.” It was half excuse, half accusation, but I let it hang there between us for a few seconds until Mia reached us.

  “Sam,” she started.

  “Where is his room?” I interrupted. As much as I adored Mia, I wasn’t in the mood for anything she had to say.

  “Up the stairs to the third floor. It’s the one on the left,” his mom answered, her voice low and a little defeated.

  I squeezed her hand. “He’ll be okay.” Not that I had any right to make a promise like that. Were people ever okay after they went through what Grayson did?

  I walked inside the house and found the stairs, following them to the second floor and then taking the spiral staircase to the third until I located his door. I knocked once and opened without waiting for an invitation I knew I wasn’t going to get.

  He sat on the queen-size bed, his back to me as he stared out at the water. Every line on his body was tense, sharp, as if he might explode at any second.

  The bed sank under my weight as I sat next to him, but he didn’t speak, or even look at me, so I simply waited. Gone was the teasing demeanor he’d grown into over the last few months. This was the Grayson I’d met in the kitchen—aloof, hard, and cold.

  But I could be warm enough for both of us. I reached out my hand, letting it rest between us without touching him, and waited. Sixty-seven breaths later, he slid his hand over mine and wove our fingers together. Relief streaked through me, and I squeezed his fingers gently.

  “It was your birthday party five years ago.”

  He nodded.

  “I’m so sorry.” I scooted toward him until our hips touched, and then I rested my head on his shoulder. “How old are you?”

  “Twenty-three last Friday. I figured we’d be safe coming tonight.” He cleared his throat. “For a math major, I figured you could add better than that.”

  At least he was trying to tease me. That was something, right?

  “Maybe I just wanted to hear your voice.”

  He turned his head and kissed my hairline. “It worked.”

  “Friday as in the night we stayed in?”

  “Being with you was the closest to a celebration as I’ve wanted to be. You made it perfect, and you didn’t even know.”

  But I wish I’d known. I would have baked him a cake, or bought him one. But maybe he’d known that.

  I let the minutes pass without speaking, content to just be there. This wasn’t about words, or even comfort, but simple presence, and I could give him that.

  Without moving my head from his shoulder, I surveyed his room. The walls were dark navy with white trim and covered in sailing pictures, but they weren’t like the ones downstairs, professional and staged. These were candid shots of Grayson sailing, beautifully intense as he handled a boat. They were taken close up, by someone who obviously knew the value of the moment, watching him firmly grow into developing the control he was so known for now.

  I knew without asking that Grace had taken them.

  I reached over to his nightstand, where a picture sat framed of a gorgeous blonde. Her smile was effortless, her hair blowing in the wind with the full sail behind her. She radiated warmth, kindness from her brown eyes, and the way she looked at the photographer…it was love. For Grayson.

  “What was she like…before?” I asked, my voice soft.

  He took the picture from my hands and stroked his thumb over the line of her cheek. “Kind, slow to temper, completely selfless. She was pretty perfect as best friends go.”

  The opposite of me. How could I even compete with that?

  He reached across and put the picture back on his nightstand.

  An uncomfortable chill crawled up my spine. You’re trespassing. Like this Grayson belonged to Grace, and I had no right to kiss him or hold his hand.

  Would he always be haunted by her ghost like this? Would he ever be able to celebrate a birthday with happiness? Or would it always be a date he avoided, tucked away? Did I even have the right to question it?

&n
bsp; “We should probably head down,” he said, his eyes still locked on her picture.

  “We can do whatever you want,” I offered. If he wanted to leave, I’d steal the keys from Jagger and strand the rest of them here.

  “No, they went to a lot of trouble for this. I can’t hurt Mom’s feelings.”

  He stood, stiff and guarded. He’d blocked me out, thrown up the walls he was so well-known for, and it hurt. But this wasn’t about me.

  “Okay,” I answered, then followed him downstairs.

  He never let go of my hand, even when we descended the porch steps to where the party was in full swing. “Do you know all these people?” I asked before we hit the crowd.

  “Yes. Some family, mostly friends of family, or friends from high school. Everyone is home for the holiday weekend.” Tension rolled off him, reminding me of the waves that struck the beach.

  “Gray!” Mia called out from the bar area, and Grayson led us over. He acknowledged everyone we passed with a nod, but his fake smile looked more like a closed-lip grimace.

  We found Mia next to three other women, who by their similar looks must have been Grayson’s sisters. “I’m so sorry!” Mia said as she hugged him. He looped an arm around her waist briefly.

  “It’s okay,” he replied. But it’s not.

  “I had no clue what they were planning until this afternoon, I swear.”

  “Let it go, Mia.” He gently pulled me forward, then looked left to right as he introduced us. “Sam, you know Mia. This is Joey, Connie, and Parker, my other three sisters.”

  I flashed a nervous smile. Joey was older by a few years with a tomboy look and a quick grin. Connie was the oldest and resembled Grayson’s mother the closest. She smiled back at me with the same warmth, and then smacked Parker in the arm lightly. That didn’t stop Grayson’s younger sister from glaring daggers into me.

  I guess we’re not going to be friends.

  “It’s so nice to meet you,” Connie said, stepping forward and embracing me.

  “Mia won’t shut up about you,” Parker snapped.

  “Or Grayson,” Joey shot a sideways look at Parker.

  He tensed.

  “I’m so happy to meet you all,” I said, proud that my voice didn’t shake. “It’s really beautiful here.” A greeting and a compliment. Mom would be proud.

  “Yeah, well, it’s nicer when the dingbatters leave,” Parker said with a pointed look my direction.

  “Parker,” Grayson warned in a soft growl. “She means tourists, and she won’t say it again.”

  My cheeks heated, and I bit down on my tongue. Parker wasn’t some girl to annihilate with a sharp retort, no matter how much I wanted to. She was Grayson’s sister.

  “Don’t be a bitch,” Joey snapped, and I internally fist-pumped.

  “Whatever.” Parker turned a sugar-sweet smile on her brother. “I’m going tomorrow morning to visit with Grace, want to come with? Or are you staying there tonight?”

  Ouch. That wasn’t supposed to hurt, right?

  He sucked in his breath, and my teeth nearly drew blood on my tongue. That’s what she was after—my blood. But she couldn’t have his.

  I reached over and stroked his arm under the cuff of his rolled-up shirt and squeezed the hand that held mine. “I certainly don’t mind.”

  His eyes snapped to mine, and he held my gaze while we communicated wordlessly. I kept mine open and honest as much as possible and gave him a soft smile, hoping he couldn’t hear the way my heart was ripping at the thought of sharing him with someone else. Don’t be selfish. This had to be torture for him, splitting himself between Grace and me—between Fort Rucker Grayson, whom I was falling for, and Outer Banks Gray, who belonged to someone else entirely. “It’s okay,” I whispered. “Just pretend I’m not here.”

  His eyes flew wide.

  “Sounds good to me,” Parker snapped before walking off.

  I counted to five as I released my breath. “I mean, just spend your time like you normally would. I’ll be fine. More than fine. Do what you need to. It’s not like I don’t live with you…in the roommate sense, of course.” Stop word-vomiting already.

  Mia cleared her throat.

  “Can I get you a drink?” Joey offered, motioning to the bartender.

  Tequila sounded perfect right about now.

  “Sure. I’ll have a—” I said.

  “No!” Grayson shouted at the same time.

  “—Coke.” I blinked at his outburst. “I wasn’t going to drink, Grayson,” I whispered the last to him, but it didn’t take the panic out of his eyes. “It’s okay.”

  They were all staring. Holy. Fucking. Awkward.

  “Sam! You have to see this view!” Paisley slid behind me and grasped my dangling hand. “Thought I’d stop the hemorrhage,” she whispered in my ear.

  “Absolutely,” I said to Paisley. Grayson was still staring at me, utterly unreadable, like a stranger. Like he hadn’t had his tongue in my mouth and his hand inside my panties an hour ago. “It was really nice to meet you,” I repeated like a freaking parrot as I took my Coke, and then let Paisley pull me down to the beach.

  “You okay?” she asked as we crossed the wooden walkway to the beach.

  “I’m so glad I was an only child.” I stopped dead in my tracks. “Holy shit. Paisley, I’m so sorry. I wasn’t thinking.” Could I stick my foot in my mouth any more?

  She shrugged. “Peyton had her moments of being a pain in the rear.” She nodded to where Jagger, Will, and Morgan had commandeered the volleyball net. “Let’s forget about…everything.”

  That was something I could go for.

  We played as the sun set behind us, the colors dancing pink off the channel. Even Paisley jumped in for a few minutes, much to Jagger’s disapproval. She’d had her heart surgery three months ago, but he still hovered.

  I felt his eyes on me before I saw him, as though the intensity he radiated traveled the thirty feet that separated us. He leaned against the wood railing of the walkway, looking over at me with walls up and locked away.

  I picked up my sandals from where I’d left them and climbed the steps to where he stood, leaning my back on the railing so I could see him. “Hey.”

  “Hey.” His eyes darted toward mine before wandering back to the channel. Every line in his body was rigid, tense, and utterly breathtaking. The shiver that caught me by surprise wasn’t just because of the falling temperature.

  I rested my hand on his forearm and winced when he pulled it away.

  “People are starting to leave,” he muttered.

  “Okay,” I answered. “Would you like us to head out?” Say no.

  His jaw flexed, and he threw a look back over his shoulder when his name was called from the party. “Maybe that would be best. You guys can’t be having fun at this thing.”

  He was sending us away. Because we didn’t belong in this part of his life. I didn’t belong.

  I ignored the deep, dull ache in my chest and slipped my strappy sandals onto my feet and then folded my arms, rubbing my skin. “Okay, I’ll get everyone.” My legs felt shaky, or maybe the ground beneath me was simply moving.

  “Is he okay?” Jagger asked while we walked the bridge back to the party that was swiftly dying.

  “I don’t know how to answer that,” I said as we passed the bar and I spotted Grayson talking to Joey. “It’s like he’s an entirely different person here, and it’s more than the party. I get being pissed over the party, but the rest of him…he’s not Grayson, you know?”

  Jagger nodded and threw an arm around my shoulders. “Sam, you’re one of the most genuine people I know. The good, the bad, you put it out there with no regrets and no apologies. But some of us…we’re not that easy. Sometimes we’re one person with our families and another once we’re out from under them.”

  I watched as people said their good-byes to Grayson. He was stiff, formal, with a tight, closed-lip half smile. He was ten steps beyond the guy I’d met when I moved in.


  “But which one is the real Grayson?” I asked.

  Jagger glanced back to where Paisley walked between Morgan and Will. “In my experience, limited as it may be, he probably doesn’t know.”

  “He always seems so steady.”

  “Sometimes steady is just stuck, Sam.”

  “Look at you, all wise,” I joked, elbowing him in the side.

  “Yeah, well, the love of a good woman will do that for you.” He stopped us at the edge of the patio and turned to face me with his hands on my shoulders. “Grayson is a lot more grounded than I am and, oddly enough, a hell of a lot more damaged. But, Sam, I’ve never seen him as happy as he is around you. As relaxed. Don’t forget that.”

  “You guys ready?” Paisley asked, slipping her arm around Jagger’s waist.

  “Yeah,” I answered, shivering slightly when Grayson’s eyes met mine over the couple he was talking to. The older woman touched his arm, and he covered his hand over hers and turned his attention back to her.

  “Why don’t you tell Grayson we’re leaving, and we’ll meet you in the car?” Will suggested.

  I agreed, and they filed out, all stopping to thank Grayson’s mother for having them. Sick of hovering, I walked over to where the bright red paint of a classic convertible peeked out from under the carport between the support stilts of the house.

  “Holy shit. Is that a sixty-six and a half…no way,” I whispered as my hand stroked over the immaculate paint job.

  “It’s Grayson’s Mustang,” Mia answered. “He barely drives it, but it’s his.”

  “It’s beautiful.” Classic, strong, and old-fashioned like Grayson. Even the dent on the right front panel. Just a little damaged. “What’s that from?”

  “A lapse in judgment,” Grayson answered from behind me.

  “I’ll give you guys a second,” Mia winked at me where Grayson couldn’t see, and skipped off.

  “We’re heading out.” I turned, and Grayson stepped forward, effectively trapping me against the passenger door.

  “Can I see you tomorrow?” he asked, his walls firmly in place.

  “Do you want to?”

  “I’m not a fan of staying in separate houses,” he admitted with a slight raise of his lips. “I like you where I can keep an eye on you.”