Whores for Gloria

by William T. Vollmann

  Cecily smiled at him and said don't be so down Jimmy; have another beer.

  Korea

  On Geary and Hyde he met a black whore named Korea who got on his nerves with all her acting out and acting up but Korea really liked him as it seemed because she was strung out on speed and so she was sweet and serious with Jimmy (whores and undertakers are the only eternal optimists); and she said I want you I need you 'cause I'm a refugee from Korea so won't you come with me and Jimmy said baby maybe later and Korea said no we got to do it now 'cause at ten o'clock I got to be checked in at Saint Anthony's or else they'll be sending me back to Africa with all the other black, black people, but don't worry for yourself Jimmy babe 'cause you're so white that heaven's gonna come for you and if I'm good and get to know you and keep tricking for Christ I know you'll let me stay too and not be a refugee from Germany anymore 'cause my name is Berlin; and Jimmy said I thought your name was Korea and Korea screamed now I can see you looking at me with those eyes of death.

  Jimmy said eyes or no eyes what's your godamned name I like to know the name of the lady I'm talking to.

  Korea said I can call myself any name you want so what do you want to call me?

  I might call you Gloria, Jimmy said.

  Well Jimmy how did you know that Gloria is my name it's actually my real name 'cause I'm a refugee from GLORY. It happened a long time ago when there was juice from pears and peaches in my veins and I used to be able to dance so high you couldn't see me from the steeple of the highest church.

  Jimmy said no no no you're not Gloria; Jimmy cried.

  In Defense of women

  Now Jimmy walked back to Post Street and right to Larkin and left down to Turk Street where it was so hard to escape from pink neon curves and left again for four or five long dark blocks to the place where you could buy marital aids and Big John dolls with rubber mouths to suck you off and other dildoes; in this establishment devoted to increasing the general ecstasy and private well-being the boys were playing video strip poker with films of women who kissed their hands to you from behind the blue screen and talked in low scratchy voices like transvestites; you put in a quarter and then if you won the hand you got to watch the woman of your choice take her shoes off and then it was time to INSERT QUARTER again; if you lost the hand you didn't even get to see that much.—That's how the bitches are in real life too, said a fat boy who had lost and lost, but Jimmy said boy don't ever say that because women need money to stay beautiful for you and that's why I say to you boy never begrudge what you give a woman because you'll see it compounding interest in her eyes and breasts and she will glow for you like you never thought she could and the boy said aw go jerk off you old wino and Jimmy who was still strong grabbed the boy by his neck and lifted him off the floor an inch or so and told him sonny do you want me to pop your eyes out with two fingers or punch you in the nose bone so it smashes up into your brain, if you have a brain that is, or should I chop you on the upper lip and knock your teeth out? I bet you didn't know there's a lot of nerves real close to the skin right there.—Aw right I'm sorry sorry sorry choked the boy who was sweating like a pig, and Jimmy let go of his neck and watched him drop that inch back to the floor and as he was walking away he pretended not to hear the boy say you crazy fucking wino.

  Remembering the fire

  Later that night Jimmy say a leggy blonde who reminded him a little of Gloria and he got a semi just looking at her so when he got to the corner he said how's it going? but the blonde just clopped by him and crossed the street. For a minute Jimmy was a little down, but he said to himself that girl was no lady; Gloria would never have done that. (And he closed his eyes and said Gloria? Gloria, am I remembering you better than last night?) Then he spied a cute one with a plump and bouncy butt and he said Gloria if this is the one tonight I'm asking you to move her to move me and he followed that bouncing butt for three blocks where the fire engines were going with screaming sirens and he remembered a night two or three years ago when even after midnight it was as balmy as Florida and inside all the rat-trap apartments it was too hot to sleep so that at three in the morning all the whores and pimps stood outside in their shirt sleeves and everyone was enjoying the weather and whores sat on the hoods of old cars smoking cigarettes and enjoying the breeze that went up their miniskirts and cooled off their smoking pussies and all the windows were thrown wide open in the hotels but the buildings seemed anyway to be exhaling steam and sweat from every crack in their stucco or grimy brickwork and the whores hiked up their dresses even higher because it was so hot and the whores smiled like tropical orange juice girls and the whores giggled like little girls staying up past their bedtime and the moon was full and to top things off a big fire broke out in a building on Eddy Street so there was something to watch and until the fire engines put it out everyone had a fine time.— This whore must not have been there, for she had no party spirit. She kept walking and walking very briskly although she must have noticed that Jimmy was following her, so Jimmy called out hey babe oh baby you are gorgeous but don't you remember the fire last fall when we were all so happy well now you're spoiling it for all of us by turning the cold cold shoulder and freezing the fire in my heart even though I've been following you for way over an hour and that's more than sixty minutes so what are you afraid of doll I got money now come to Daddy, but the whore never looked back, and Jimmy smacked his fist into his palm thinking that bitch is no different than a tampon they're both stuck up cunts and Gloria would never have tolerated her in our home for half a second and he started thinking about giving up and ducking into the 441 Club for a beer and a round of liars' dice with the barmaid when he saw the most beautiful black whore smiling at him on the corner and then he knew that the evening would be a success.

  Melissa

  You want some company? asked Melissa and Jimmy said I sure do and Melissa said walk with me then and tell me how much you have to spend and Jimmy said I have forty and Melissa was happy with that which made Jimmy happy and Melissa said what do you want me to do with you and Jimmy said I want you to tell me happy stories about when you were a little girl and I'll just kind of sit down and watch you and listen to you and Melissa said OK honey you follow a little behind me I'm going to cross the street and go into that white building just beside the store, so Jimmy ambled half a block behind her as if he had nothing to do with her at all and a black-and-white police car cruised beside him for a moment but Jimmy never looked at it and finally the police car gave up and drove away and Jimmy watched Melissa's ass twisting and turning in the tight skirt ahead of him and he felt the thrill because he had caught her and she was going to do just what he wanted.

  Melissa held the grating open for him. The lobby was old-style marble, but as soon as they went upstairs everything was dark and shabby and stinking. Melissa took him around the corner for a minute and stood thinking and then led Jimmy to the elevator. Jimmy's dick was hard. They went down together in the little steel cage, neither saying a thing because they both had exacdy what they wanted, and then the cage stopped and they were in the basement. Melissa led him into the laundry room. —Close the door, said Jimmy, but Melissa wouldn't because she was afraid of him.

  You remind me of Gloria, said Jimmy.—Who's Gloria? said Melissa.—Oh she used to live around here, Jimmy lied; she moved about three weeks ago. Have you seen her?—No, Melissa said. I've never seen her.

  I guess the first thing I wanna do, said Melissa in her low breathy voice, is ask you to tell me exactly what kind of stories you want me to tell.

  Tell me some happy stories about when you were a girl.

  Oh, happy stories? OK. All right.

  One of the happiest things I guess I can remember from being a young child was my first train ride, said Melissa. Most people say they can't remember too much before the age of four or five. I remember clearly when I was three years old taking a train ride to Louisiana to visit my father's grandmother, who was dying. It was the wintertime, I remember, 'cause there was a lot of
snow falling when we went through the Colorado mountains there. And I remember having the conductor come through the train in the early morning, saying: First call for breakfast in the dining car! First call for breakfast in the dining car! and everybody was bustling around to get to the dining car to eat breakfast. A few mornings we actually had breakfast in the dining car, and it was exciting, being a small child. I remember getting off at the stops along the way. In New Mexico I remember pretty well seeing the Indian jewelry, the stuff you see now, silver and turquoise stuff. And then on through to Texas and finally Louisiana where I do remember going to New Orleans as a child. One of the things that sticks out in my memory— actually it wasn't happy at all but it sticks out in my memory— was the separate bathrooms for black and white people down there. I remember asking my mother what was colored. That was over twenty years ago now.

  Another happy story—I guess I didn't finish that one but anyway it was a memory—was of Christmas time as a young child. The first part of Christmas usually started with going to pick out a huge Christmas tree in the wee morning hours at this supermarket called the Co-op where we used to get our Christmas tree every year, and everybody was frantically out there, dressed up in their heavy clothes—topcoat and boots, maybe, and a hat—scrumming around looked for these Christmas trees. I remember the smell of it still. Then finally by daylight we'd finally find something that was suitable, and I remember dragging it to the car and taking it home and later trimming it. It was just the three of us, though—me, my mom and my dad. Pretty soon that tree started to die, and by Christmas time it was completely dead with needles all over the floor and my mother screaming and vacuuming them up. Anyway, that was the start of the Christmas season. Then I guess the middle part of it was taken up with school things. Learning songs for the Christmas show we'd put on for the parents. Learning some old tacky Christmas carol to sing, everyone's voice singing so ugly and everyone saying that sounds so beautiful.—Melissa laughed in disgust.—And then finally getting all dressed up and on Christmas morning singing it for the parents. And another part of that was towards the end kind of getting antsy, wondering what Santa was going to bring. To this day I think I was the oldest person ever to believe in Santa Claus. I remember when I was eight being told by my mother that there was no Santa and just breaking down in tears and stuff 'cause I didn't want to hear it. 'Cause just a year and a half or so before she'd spank me for trying to tell her that I'd heard there was no Santa. Crazy woman. OK, enough about that.

  What other happy stories? Let's see, said Melissa as the lights glared brighdy down and washing machines hissed and the big pipe hissed beside her, I guess, going shopping with my mom downtown on Saturday afternoons and finally toward the end of the day going to pick up my dad from work and feeling so tired and all the city blocks seemed like a mile long, you know, being a kid. I remember getting grumpy, nothing seeming quite right. It was fun, it was exciting, but it was so overwhelming. Usually I started to cry. Well, come to think of it I guess that wasn't so happy either.

  What else? Other happy times as a kid.—Melissa laughed. —I don't know. It doesn't seem like there are so many. —Oh, OK. Getting a puppy. That was kind of neat. There was this pet shop that my mom and I used to go to. Sometimes there'd be an animal there that you could almost feel you were going to take home, but not quite. But then one day there was this little German shepherd puppy that my parents saw. I guess they kind of wanted the dog for safety more than to have for a pet. But I remember the excitement of getting a new pet. I remember going down to look at it one day and playing around and feeling like you got a new friend. And the anticipation of wanting to go back next day and pick it up, or just see the little thing. And finally the next day came, and we brought the puppy home, and it was a really neat feeling. I'd wake up in my bed at night and know he was still down there, and he'd be there the next day and the next, and it was a really neat feeling. I didn't know there was going to be the flip side later, when the dog got too big, and they decided to give it away. That was really sad—She laughed.—For every really neat thing, there was some equally shitty thing, seems like.

  Jimmy was smiling; he was leaning back against a column of washing machines, fingering Melissa's memories as though they were breasts, the softness and succulence of them; he could twist them into different shapes as he sucked on them; he kissed their round pink areolae of sadness and tried not to mind them; he squeezed them and their nipples budded.

  Let's see, Melissa said. What else? Oh, OK. Going to the movies as a kid was a big thing for me, going on Saturdays and in the afternoon. It was different than when you went with your parents. Adults seemed much bigger than they were, from a kid's eyes. You'd tilt your head up to look at 'em and it was like looking at a redwood tree or something. In the afternoon there was nothing but kids, people your size, going to see all the same stupid movies. It was a neat feeling to sit there with your popcorn and whatever you bought. You had your own money, and you could buy whatever junk you wanted to buy. You didn't have to listen to your mom and dad tell you don't get that junk. You could just eat and eat and eat and eat whatever you wanted, until you got sick. That was neat. It was also a neat feeling being able to crawl around the movie theater in the dark, being able to go upstairs and spook yourself out on the balcony and play with your friends.

  A neat thing I tripped on when I was young was the feeling you got from going into unique little places you'd never been before. Like I remember the first time I found a creek that was by my house. It was like my own private little place. I felt like I was the first person ever to find this place. I remember the smell of it. It just smelled so wet and damp and neat. If darkness could have a smell, it seems like being by the creek smelled dark. The trees and the sound of the water and the squishiness under your feet had a dark smell to it that was nice. But it also had a new feel to it like something exciting that had never happened before. I don't feel that so much as an adult. In fact I don't feel that much at all.

  Let's see. What else? Uh, happy happy happy happy happy.. . Hmm. Gosh, this is getting hard now.

  That's when it gets interesting, said Jimmy.

  The whore laughed nervously. I don't know, she said. I had a really kind of uninteresting childhood. I wasn't from a big family. I was the only one, actually. The only child, so there wasn't a whole bunch of horsing around. It seems like looking back on childhood all the small things seem really small.

  Goofing around in church, that was fun. Getting someone else to laugh, or having a little joke, or you knew and your friend knew when you gave him that signal that that was what you were supposed to think about. Little rush of good feeling you got from doing it and knowing that somehow it was kind of wrong, and somehow that made it all the more exciting.

  Was tricking fun for you like that? said Jimmy. (He was an optimist too.)

  Well, it's never really been fun, Melissa said. Most of the fun I get out of it's the money.

  Later he said to himself after all they're her memories not Gloria's but then he said after all I paid for them.

  What else? said Melissa sighing to herself when he left her. Happy happy stories.

  Home again

  Jimmy went back to the Hotel Bailey, where he was staying for eighty-five dollars a week, and Pearl looked up from the TV program she was watching and smiled at Jimmy with her snaggly old teeth because Pearl was always friendly and nice and Jimmy said hey Pearl any messages for me? and because Pearl was so nice she made a show of looking in Jimmy's mailbox and said no I thought maybe there was something but not today I guess, and Jimmy sighed and said I was hoping maybe Gloria might have gotten in touch with me and Pearl said not today and Jimmy said here's my rent for the next three days and Pearl said thanks honey I'll give it to the boss and Jimmy said well I guess I'll go up and use the bathroom and Pearl said so you want some toilet paper then? and Jimmy said yeah and Pearl tore off a nice long hunk for Jimmy and passed it to him through the window.— (At the Hotel Bailey they had giv
en up keeping toilet paper in the bathroom because as fast as they put it there it got stolen.)

  Jimmy went upstairs and used the bathroom and went down the hall along the sea of old carpet that looked like lichen and dog hair and came away under his shoes as he stepped on it. He met a man standing in the center of the corridor and Jimmy said excuse me and the man didn't say anything so Jimmy went politely around him and unlocked the door of 108 and went inside where his stinking bed waited to embrace him.

  Gloria

  Now he remembered being five when Gloria was three and they took a train ride to Louisiana to see Gloria's great-grandmother, who was dying, and Gloria was hopping around the car like a sparrow so that Gloria's mother kept saying just calm yourself girl but Gloria said I want to jump as high as the tops of the mountains! and Jimmy said you be a mountain and I'll be a cloud so Gloria put her hands over the top of her head in a point like a steeple and said, see I'm a mountain and Jimmy puffed out his cheeks and blew her hair around and said see, I'm blowing over you to give you snow and Gloria rushed to the window to see snow and it was snowing then just like Melissa said. Gloria's mother said child don't reach out the window you'll fall out, but when she wasn't looking Jimmy stuck his hand out and caught snowflakes to give Gloria and then Gloria laughed.—When they were a little bigger Gloria and Jimmy used to go through the woods to a little brook where nobody had ever been before and the sky was so blue when they found it again beyond the raspberry brambles and there were water-striders in the little pools and Gloria said look how they live in bubbles all the time, I wonder if the bubbles are soft and Jimmy found caddis-worms building houses for themselves out of colored pebbles and some days they went upstream, leaping along the smooth flat boulders in the creek that helped them like water-stairs, and they passed an old house that the trees were growing through and then at last they came to the dam, which Gloria said was the end of their territory; other days they went the other way until the river flattened and widened in slow bends full of suckered carp and great clay cliffs rose above the plain with pine trees along the backbone of the ridge so that Jimmy and Gloria felt like grand explorers; there they used to make faces and idols out of the wet clay and leave them in the sun to dry until next time when the idols were hard and hot and smooth-baked. Then Jimmy was a little afraid and he said Gloria are they alive? and Gloria said oh, Jimmy, don't you know what alive is? I'm alive! and she jumped so high in the air and her face was in the sun and Jimmy cried I'm alive too! and he jumped even higher, and then they found a big warm flat rock in the middle of the river and lay down on it eating the sandwiches their mothers had made for them.