If I Loved You Less

by Tamsen Parker

  But really. She was going to have to be nice and pleasant and pretend to like Jessica when she never really had.

  Theo took a swipe at her perspiring forehead with her forearm, but only succeeded in getting dust to stick to herself. That and shifting her respirator so that it was askew. Dammit. Why was she so testy about this anyway? It would go the same way it always did. Beatrice and everyone else would moon over Jessica—how smart she was, how pretty she was, how otherwise accomplished she was outside of her PhD program—and it would drive Theo mad.

  The whir of the sander quieted some of the irritation, but it couldn’t silence the memory of Kini telling her that she probably didn’t like Jessica because she saw in her a Renaissance woman when Theo also wanted to be seen that way. She’d denied it at the time and would deny it now, but the idea still niggled at the back of her mind.

  It probably wasn’t that anyhow. It was far more likely that Theo didn’t like Jessica because Jessica had never given Theo a reason to like her. She’d always been cold and distant and held herself apart from everyone else. And her living with Beatrice didn’t make things any easier. That woman would not shut up, even when it was obvious that everyone would like her to. Yeah, that must be it. Between those two things, who would like Jessica? Except that goddammit, everyone seemed to, even Kini.

  Which reminded her, she’d told her dad she’d pick up some pastries from Queen’s and bring them to Bea’s house. Because she was a masochist and apparently hated herself. There was nothing quite as miserable as the feeling of doing more than she wanted but less than was expected of her. So she flicked off the power to her sander, set it to rest on her workbench, and then shoved off the respirator and the bandana that had been covering her hair. Duty called.

  Bea’s house was as awful as ever. It was small and crammed with all the art that Bea hadn’t been able to sell, which was most of it because she wasn’t very good. Jim would take a few pieces now and then and display them in his gallery. One would sell once in a blue moon, but otherwise Theo had no idea how Bea made any money.

  Normally Theo could get Bea to come to their house so she wouldn’t have to breathe in the smells of neglected housework covered up by toxic paint fumes, but it’s not like Bea could exactly make it up the stairs with her giant cast, now could she? So here Theo found herself, crammed in among a multitude of hideous canvases and trying to have a conversation with a girl who clearly didn’t want to talk to her either.

  Jessica was proving to be as cold as Theo had remembered her, and it was like pulling teeth to get any conversation out of her at all. There was one thing that Theo especially could not stand.

  “Wait, you and Austin are at the same school?”

  Jessica looked at her as if she’d implied aliens were going to land any second and take them all away. If only. Anything had to be less painful than hanging out in a hoarder’s house with her niece who was dull as fuck.

  “No. His advisor used to be at my university, but she moved to Scripps right before I arrived. But we go to a lot of the same conferences.”

  Then Jessica blinked, as if that was the only thing to say on the matter. It was so not.

  “And you’ve met him?”

  “Um, yeah. My aunt told his dad that he should look me up and come see the poster on my research at one of the conferences. Which was so unnecessary.” This was accompanied by an eye roll which at least proved Jessica was human—could her aunt not? Ugh. Jessica quickly caught herself, though, and settled that bland pudding look back on her face. Not the delicious pudding like Kini made either, but the comes-in-a-box, store-bought kind. The kind no one would eat if any other dessert were available. “Anyway, we’ve had coffee a couple of times when we’ve been at the same conference, and our advisors still talk a lot. They’ve co-authored a few papers.”

  “And?”

  “And what?”

  Theo was getting ready to flip a table. Bea talked far too much, but conversation with Jessica was like pulling teeth. No wonder she’d rather be with people who actually knew how to hold a conversation.

  “Is he cute? Is he smart? Is he a geek or is he too cool for school? Come on, he left when we were keiki, and no one here has seen him in person since his parents split except Jim. I need details. Details.”

  Kini had accused her of having a fixation on Austin, and maybe it was a little true. Jim and her father had always fancied them a couple, had planned for them to be together in that joking way parents do when their kids are friends. Those hopes had been somewhat dashed when Theo had announced she couldn’t really see herself with a man. But it still made her happy in a way that Jim thought she was good enough for his beloved son, and where would be the harm in a little innocent flirtation?

  And still Jessica wouldn’t give her this small piece of satisfaction. No, she continued to be obtuse and circumspect. So irritating.

  “He’s pleasant enough to look at, I guess. And he must be pretty smart if he’s in a PhD program. We’re not in the same field of study, so I couldn’t say for sure where he falls. And he didn’t seem geeky to me, but…consider your source.”

  That was good advice. Theo looked Jessica up and down, and yeah. She and Jessica probably had pretty different scales for who was a square. Useless. Completely useless. And Theo didn’t know if she could ever forgive her for that.

  Theo’s list of unforgivables was long and, upon Brock’s return from his conference, grew still longer.

  “He got married?”

  Theo practically threw the bowl of arare onto the table, the ceramic rattling on the scuffed wooden surface as she stormed back into the kitchen and grabbed the bowl of crack seed as well.

  “He goes away for a week and he got married? Who does that?”

  Kini, Theo’s father, Jim, and Jasmine eyed her from where they sat around the table, cards in their hands. They were probably waiting for her to cut the ranting and raving before continuing with their game. But how could they think about poker at a time like this? Seriously.

  “Apparently Brock does?” Jim offered before tossing a couple of cards toward Jasmine, who gave him two back from the pile. Those didn’t seem to make Jim any happier—he was a terrible poker player because he didn’t have the steadiness of expression for it—but it didn’t trouble him for long. He looked up at Theo like a dog expecting a treat for doing a trick.

  Well, she was not having it. “It’s ridiculous. I know Las Vegas can make people go a little lolo, but really? Who is this woman anyway?”

  Kini raised her eyebrows and looked at Theo from under her heavy black brows. She, unlike Jim, was an excellent poker player. She could have a full house or nothing but a pair of twos for all Theo could tell. But it wasn’t Theo’s problem; it’s not like she played at these games. She set them up for her dad, and if she was around, played hostess and brought snacks and drinks for the people whose butts were glued to their seats. “The story is that she’s some hotel magnate’s daughter. He’s buying the abandoned Prince’s Gardens resort and introduced himself to Brock at the conference. They hit it off, so the guy asked Brock to come to dinner with him and his daughter, and the rest is history. Word has it Brock’s going to be managing that property once it’s up and running. You know, keep it all in the family.”

  Was there anything about this that wasn’t infuriating? Brock had married Hawaii’s version of Paris Hilton and Theo was the last to hear about it? Hopefully not the very last—hopefully she’d at least be able to break the news gently to Laurel before she found out some other way, like running into Brock and his new wife in town.

  She should probably head there now because she’d have to put herself on her very own shit list if someone else were to tell Laurel that Brock had gotten married and Theo wasn’t there to dry the flood of tears. She had planned to catch up on her stack of surf magazines, but clearly that wasn’t going to happen.

  “That is still outrageous. I dare any one of you to disagree with me.” Theo put her hands on her hips, tapp
ed her foot, and waited for anyone at the table to offer an objection. She’d pour the arare over their head if they dared. “And to top it off, none of you told me. I had to hear it from Bobby of all people. Which means everyone knows.”

  “I’m not going to disagree with you, because it is…unusual,” Jim conceded. “And just so I can’t be accused of hiding anything later, you should know Austin is going to come next weekend.”

  The hits kept on coming.

  “He is? Why didn’t you say anything?”

  Jim shrugged and let his hand drop so everyone could see his cards. The rest of the table groaned and smacked hands to foreheads, but Theo was far more interested in the fact that Austin was going to be here than that Jim had a straight. “This isn’t the first time he was supposed to visit, and I didn’t want everyone to get all excited to see him and then him not show. Again. But since it’s less than a week away, I thought he’d actually make it this time. And goodness knows I don’t want to get on your bad side, Theo.”

  That made her feel better, but still, she could do without all the bombshells at once. Although this would give her something to tell Laurel to distract her from the fact that Brock Ashley was now a married man. Before she left, though, she wanted to make completely sure.

  “Okay, so Brock is married to some hotel heiress and Austin is finally coming home next weekend. Anything else anyone would like to share?”

  The four around the table shook their heads in silent unison, and Theo grabbed the half-empty bag of crack seed before heading out to Laurel’s.

  Chapter Eleven

  It was finally here. The moment Theo felt she’d been waiting for most of her life was finally here, and she was practically buzzing with excitement. She hadn’t even had any sugar all day, so her father couldn’t blame her twitchiness on that.

  She knew when Austin’s plane had landed—because everyone did—and now it was a matter of waiting. And waiting. And waiting.

  Theo paced around the shop, putting all the bathing suits and wetsuits in size order on their racks, categorizing the wax, re-ordering the boards they had for sale, even going so far as to put the sunglasses in color order on their carousels because she couldn’t stand doing nothing and Laurel had gotten the place shipshape since starting. It was only the daily tourist fuckery she really had to clean up from.

  Her father was sitting behind the counter with his reading glasses perched on the end of his nose, one pencil stuck behind his ear and another tapping on his beloved crossword puzzle that was spread out on the counter. He was really good with the historical clues—no surprise for a dude with a PhD in history—and decent with horticultural ones too, but pretty crap with the pop culture stuff, which is where Theo came in.

  “What’s the name of a singer whose name includes punctuation?”

  Yep, like that. “Does it have four letters or five?”

  There was more rhythmic tapping as he counted out the spaces. “Neither. It has nine, and I think the second letter is N. Maybe.”

  It didn’t come to her right away, but after a minute of racking her brain, the answer popped into her head. “Does India.Arie work?”

  She spelled it for him and felt quite satisfied when, after a few seconds of scritching the letters onto the page, he celebrated with a whoop.

  After she’d done her filial duty, she returned to pacing, checking her cell for the zillionth time to make sure Austin’s plane had landed when it was supposed to, checking the traffic to make sure there hadn’t been a wreck on the road between the airport and here. Part of the problem with being on a small island with a ton of nature preserves was that there really was only one main road. And if that was out… But her cell gave no indication that was the case. What the hell was taking them so long?

  “Theodosia?”

  Whoa. Her dad never called her Theodosia. Ever. Charlotte had when she was younger and she was doing that whole parental-figure thing of scolding with her whole name. And of course, Kini had more recently than that when she’d really disapproved of Theo’s behavior. But it had probably been years since anyone had called her that. It felt almost like it wasn’t her name, but it had managed to get her attention when nothing else had.

  “Yeah, Pops?”

  Her father gave her a kind but amused smile from his perch. “I knew you were looking forward to seeing Austin, but I didn’t think you were quite this worked up about it. You want to take a walk while we’re waiting? I’d say you could catch some waves, but I don’t want you out there while you’re distracted.”

  “No, that’s okay, sorry. What did you need?”

  “You said there were other singers with punctuation in their names? Who are they? And why would a person ever do that? How are you supposed to pronounce these things? It’s really terribly impractical, and I—”

  Which is when the door opened and the familiar tinkling of chimes almost made Theo jump through the roof. Or at least hit her head on the surfboard that was hanging on the wall.

  “Ah, so glad both the Sullivans are here! Dermot, Theo, I wanted to make this Austin’s first stop in town.” Jim was standing inside the door with his usual aloha shirt and linen pants on, and right next to him…

  Was a good-looking guy. Like, really good-looking. Sure, she’d seen his picture in a google search or two, but Austin was way better in person. A little taller than Jim, he’d gotten a slightly broader build from somewhere, but he still had that elegance his father did. Pair that with floppy long-ish hair a few shades short of black and dark brown eyes… Yes, Austin Winters was a very pretty boy. Pretty enough that Theo must have been staring because there was a nudge to her shoulder before her dad walked past her and introduced himself.

  “Dermot Sullivan. It’s nice to see you again, young man, though I’m sure you don’t remember me. You were so young when you moved to the mainland. And you probably don’t recognize my daughter either, but you two used to be the best of friends when you were little.”

  Austin smiled, and the spread of white teeth and a goddamn dimple revealed made him even prettier. “Of course I remember Theo. I mean, you’re all grown up, but…”

  They shook hands, and his hand was warm and smooth. This was ridiculous. Theo liked girls, had never actively had a thing for a guy her whole life, even if she’d never shut the door on it entirely either. But now the man she’d subconsciously left the door ajar for was here, and she was a little surprised to find that she did, in fact, consider him not a bad choice for Plan B.

  “…I’d know you anywhere.”

  “Ditto. Well, Austin, you finally came to see us here in Hanalei, huh? How long are you here for?”

  Austin shrugged, his polo shirt going up at the shoulders and the front gaping enough that it revealed a few curls of chest hair. “I’m not really sure yet, but I’m hoping for a week, at least.”

  “Nice. Do you remember anything about Hanalei, or should we show you the ropes?”

  “That’d be nice. The only thing I remember really aside from loving the beach was Queen’s. Is that bakery still here?”

  The side of Theo’s mouth tugged up because, aside from her own slice of town, he’d mentioned her two favorite places.

  “Hell yeah, it is, and the food is still really freaking good. You hungry?”

  “I could eat.”

  “Cool.”

  Theo turned toward her father and Jim to announce that they were going to walk around town for a bit, but she didn’t have to call for their attention because they were already both regarding her and Austin happily. And, if she wasn’t mistaken, with a bit of hope on Jim’s part. Unlikely. But not impossible. Besides, what would it hurt to be friends with Austin and flirt a little? It would hurt precisely no one.

  “We’re going to Queen’s. Anyone want anything? Oh, Jim, is that okay? You’ve barely gotten to see Austin.”

  Before Jim could answer, Austin cut in. “I’m sure it’s fine. Right, Dad?”

  Even if a brief wave of disappointment crossed
his face first, Jim waved them off, smiling in that plotting way of his whenever he thought of her and Austin riding off into the island sunset together.

  After they’d endured a lecture from her father about the evils of processed sugar and the artery-clogging properties of butter, not to mention that they were all going to die because they’d ingested bleached flour, Theo finally managed to excuse themselves and got a kick out of taking Austin’s gallantly offered arm. Yes, this was going to be fun.

  Kini was at the counter when they arrived at Queen’s so Theo didn’t have to drag Austin into the back or yell at Bobby to go fetch her. There was no line either, since it was midmorning, so Theo could just walk right up and present her trophy.

  “Look who I brought!”

  Theo’s delighted exclamation was met with a somewhat less enthused reaction from Kini. No smile and a slightly raised eyebrow? Come on, Austin’s return deserved a much warmer welcome. And so Theo prodded.

  “It’s Austin, Jim’s son. He just got in, and he remembered your bakery, Kini. Isn’t that great? I mean, not surprising because the food is so freaking good. But still. He hasn’t been home for twenty years, and he wanted to come here.”

  Kini gave a polite smile that didn’t light up her face the way genuine smiles did—because the woman glowed when she was truly happy—but Theo would take it. Maybe Bobby had burnt some cookies or over-crisped some mango brulées or something. Guy did have a heavy hand with the baby blowtorch.

  “Welcome back, Austin. Can I get you two something?”

  Well, Kini was sour today, but that didn’t mean Theo had to be. It was midmorning so they totally could have grabbed a pineapple muffin or a macadamia nut biscotti to dip in some coffee or tea, but instead Theo ordered an iced vanilla latte and some mochi-ice cream and was gratified when Austin ordered the same down to the flavors—matcha, taro, and sakura—and paid for them both. It wasn’t at all necessary, but it was a nice touch. At least Theo thought it was; Kini ran his card through and handed Austin the receipt to sign without taking her eyes off him, as though she thought he was going to snag a coconut-lime-white-chocolate-chip cookie off the cake plate on the counter and make a break for it. Sheesh.