If I Loved You Less

by Tamsen Parker

  When they sat down at one of the empty tables, they got some stares. For eating ice cream at ten-thirty in the morning? Maybe. More likely, it was people wondering who she was with. Locals might’ve heard Jim’s son was in town, but they’d also know this guy in his polo shirt and khaki shorts wasn’t one of them. And he wasn’t, technically.

  “So what are you going to do while you’re here? Besides let your dad drag you around town and show you off? You know you’re going to get your cheeks pinched and every auntie in town is going to say how much you’ve grown, right?”

  Austin scrubbed a sheepish hand over the back of his neck. “Yeah, I kinda figured that out already. Thanks for getting me out of there for a bit.”

  Looking around the bakery where people were straining to hear their conversation, Theo wasn’t sure Queen’s was much better, but if he thought so, she’d let him. “No problem. Is there anyone you actually want to see while you’re here?”

  “I felt bad about not getting to spend more time with my dad and Charlotte while they were on their honeymoon, so I’ll spend most of my time with them. And I have to go visit the aunt of some girl I know from academic conferences. It’s going to be a total drag, but it’s one of those things, you know? You’ve just got to do it.”

  “Oh, Bea? You know Jessica’s here, right?”

  “Is she? I didn’t know.” Austin took another bite out of the powdery pink soft shell of his sakura mochi ball. “Guess I’ll see her, too.”

  Theo swung a foot underneath the table, grazing the floor with the sole of her slipper. “You don’t sound exactly thrilled about that.”

  Austin answered with a shrug and took another bite. “I see her at conferences all the time; I’m not sure why I have to see her here, too.”

  “You don’t like Jessica?” Was it too much to hope that this guy she’d felt an immediate bond with could commiserate over how perfect and unreachable the great Jessica was?

  “She’s fine. If you like girls who will barely look at you and can’t make basic conversation to save their lives. She’s so…reserved. I guess there are some perks to being a wallflower, but I’d never want to date someone who was so cold. She’s really no fun. And so frosty it makes my balls want to crawl up into my body.”

  Theo couldn’t help but snort and was glad she was eating a matcha mochi instead of drinking the ice water she’d snagged because it probably would’ve come out her nose. “Dude, we’re a little early in our friendship for you to be talking about your balls, don’t you think?”

  “Sorry, sorry. It doesn’t feel like I just met you, though. Not like when I see Jessica. I swear, every time I see her is as awkward as the first. How could someone love a person so reserved? No, that’s definitely not for me.”

  Theo lifted a shoulder and munched another bite thoughtfully. “I guess at first it’s annoying when people aren’t friendly, but don’t you feel good when you’ve earned your way into their inner sanctum? It’s kind of a prize, you know? Not something they give away to everyone.”

  “Dude, we’re a little early in our friendship to be talking about your inner sanctum, don’t you think?”

  Which is when Theo dipped her fingertips in her water glass and flicked a bunch of drops toward Austin’s face. “Shut up.”

  Kini plunked their lattes unceremoniously on the table, still with that imperious, disapproving look on her face. Had Theo done something to put that scowl there? Her curt “enjoy” said maybe.

  “Hey, Kini. Busy day? Your vendors late delivering your eggs or something?”

  She’d seen Kini threaten someone with her rolling pin once when they’d been a few days late with the sugar and she’d almost run out. Theo had thought the guy was going to shit himself he looked so nervous. But who could blame him?

  “No, it’s been slow this morning. That’s why Bobby’s out in the back practicing piping frosting. He’s getting better, but…” Kini rolled her eyes. Yeah, Theo couldn’t really picture him doing the delicate work of putting flowers and swirls and whatever else kind of decorations people wanted on their cakes. “So, Austin, you just got in? I would’ve thought you’d be with your father and Charlotte. They’ve been waiting for you to visit. You should’ve seen your father when he came by for his coffee this morning. Bouncing off the walls.”

  Oh, that’s what this was about. Feeling protective of her once and future bestie, she leapt to Austin’s defense. “We’re just stopping by. Austin’s going to go get settled and have lunch with Jim and Charlotte at the house right after this. Aren’t you?”

  Austin seemed to receive her telegraphed signal of just agree with me because he gave Kini a wide and charming grin. “Oh, yeah, definitely. It was just a long flight, and I didn’t want to crash before lunch. Theo said I could top up on caffeine here, so I won’t end up face-first in my food.”

  Kini crossed her arms and gave a reluctant “mmph” before heading back to the counter. Eh, she’d warm up to Austin. She had to, because Theo would make certain of it.

  Chapter Twelve

  With the prodigal son returned for at least a few days, Jim decided to throw a party. And Jim knew how to throw a party. This wasn’t one of his sophisticated artsy gallery parties that mostly the rich people who had condos or second and third homes on the island attended. Those were fun, but Theo always found herself wishing she could take her shoes off and have more cocktails than was probably polite. Here, though, at Jim and Charlotte’s house, there was a certain freedom to drink however much she liked—without her dad seeing, of course. There was also an entire pig roasting in a pit in their backyard. A party could only be so fancy if there was a pig cooking in the ground.

  She’d been talking to Austin for a while, but had relinquished him to his father so he could be trotted around and introduced to everyone and their mother—literally. To kill a bit of time, Theo walked out of the house and toward the front yard. It was a beautiful garden that she didn’t know when Jim found the time to maintain, but he did.

  Cedar trees and bamboo formed a backdrop for his lovingly tended bonsais and a few patches of Japanese irises amongst the moss and other kinds of ground cover. As she wandered through to the front, she saw Kini approaching from the wrong way. It struck her as odd momentarily, but then something clicked. “Did you actually drive here?”

  Kini shrugged, and the light from the moon reflected off the silver strands in her hair, making it shimmer. “I did. Thought she could use a spin.”

  “You think? You have such a gorgeous car, and you never take it out.”

  It was a Chevy Bel Air, robin-egg blue with cream leather interior to die for. Kini had inherited it from her grandfather forever ago, and though she rarely drove it, she kept it in pristine condition. She probably could’ve sold it for a ton of money, but she never mentioned the possibility. It was like it wasn’t a possibility.

  “Where am I going to take it? Everywhere I go, I can walk.”

  “But you could drive. It would be faster.”

  “And what do I need to go fast for? I know you were born here, but sometimes I think that mainland blood gets the better of you.”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Theo crossed her arms over her chest and put her nose in the air. She’d been born and bred here, and no one was going to accuse her of being a real haole. Although deep down, she could never quite get ahold of the attitude of water as a connection instead of a barrier. Maybe that was because her father was so fearful of the water, even before her mother had died, and that tragedy had amplified an already combative relationship.

  Yeah, he was afraid of the ocean and hated it to some extent—she’d catch him sometimes on their lanai, staring out at the waves with a look that scared her, a look she never saw on his placid face otherwise, practically murderous—but it also provided their livelihood. It’s not like you saw a whole lot of surf shops in Omaha.

  Kini tugged Theo’s high ponytail. “You’re right. I don’t see you tooling around in that Jeep
of yours much anymore, which I’m sure the chickens appreciate.”

  “I never hit a—”

  Another gentle tug to the back of her head, and she knew Kini was teasing.

  “You always answer. That’s one of the best things about you, you know?”

  Theo shot her a dirty look but walked toward the house with Kini anyhow, arms still crossed over her chest, but giving her a hip-check as they hit the front stairs. It wasn’t to move Kini—it would take a lot more than a literally half-assed bump to do that because the woman was as solid as a mountain and just as grounded. It was familiar and uncomplicated affection. Which made it easy for Theo to uncross her arms, link one around Kini’s, and lean her head on Kini’s bare rounded shoulder as they headed back into the party.

  Austin was still being dragged around by his father when they came in, and Kini went to talk to Jasmine about some promotion they were thinking about doing for the upcoming tourist season, so Theo found Charlotte in the kitchen where she was slicing some fruit to refill a mostly empty platter.

  A spare apron was draped over a stool at the kitchen island practically begging to be picked up and used, and who was Theo to argue? She pulled it on, fastened the ties around her waist, and stood next to Charlotte, who handed her a bowl of dragon fruit. Theo set it down behind a bamboo cutting board, picked out a knife, grabbed a large spoon, and got to work.

  She sliced one of the fruits in half, scooping out the small-black-seed-dotted white interior as one piece so she could dice it and then replace it in the vibrant pink skin that held its shape. Pretty and easy to eat.

  “So did you hear that a mass spectrometer got delivered to Bea’s house?”

  “A what?”

  Charlotte laughed and shook her head while she sliced some star fruit to arrange on the outside of the spread. “That’s what I said, but I didn’t want to assume you were as ignorant as I am. I mean, what does an elementary school teacher know?”

  “Probably more than a girl who gives surf lessons for a living.”

  “Pfft. You’re plenty smart, and you could do anything you wanted.” Theo joined in with a singsong voice for the refrain she knew was coming. “If only you’d apply yourself.”

  “Yeah, yeah. The only thing I’ve ever really been interested in applying myself to is a surfboard.”

  “Anyway, yes. A mass spectrometer, which as far as I can tell makes it possible to analyze what’s in compounds. Apparently they’re wildly expensive and not easy to come by. Jessica had to scramble to even make room in Bea’s house for the thing, because it’s not tiny.”

  Theo sliced another dragon fruit in half and plucked a cube from the last one she’d cut and popped it into her mouth. “Why did Jessica get one, then? And how? Because…”

  She didn’t have to finish the sentence because everyone knew Bea was not well-off. And that had been one of the reasons she’d sent Jessica off to school. Of course Jessica was so smart and she and Bea had worked their asses off to find any possible source of scholarship money, so she’d gotten a full ride everywhere she went. But there wasn’t a whole lot of extra money floating around. Like, none. Theo would bring by baskets of mangos from their trees out back for Bea, and she knew Jim did the same with avocados and radishes. Kini would drop by a couple of loaves of bread she’d say were past good, but Theo knew they’d only been out for a day. A lot of people did things like that, and Bea seemed to get along okay. But there was no way she or Jessica would be able to afford a piece of fancy scientific equipment that could usually only be found in labs. Not to mention Bea didn’t really have room in her already cramped home for such a thing. It was obviously a surprise, since they hadn’t cleared a space for it before it arrived.

  “I know. Everyone’s been trying to guess where it’s from.”

  “And?”

  “The current favorite is Jessica’s thesis advisor. Some hotshot in the field, writes textbooks, gets paid to lecture all over the place, won a bunch of awards.”

  “So he’d have the money for it, but that still doesn’t explain why he’d send one.”

  “She,” Charlotte corrected as she spread out the last of the star fruit and started transferring the dragon fruit cups to the center of the platter. “And apparently, Jessica is quite the favorite.” Charlotte raised her eyebrows meaningfully as she nestled the last skin beside the star fruit. “Or have you not been paying attention to Bea’s dissertations on the subject?”

  “I try.” Theo made a wrinkled-nose expression of half-remorse, half-exasperation. Which pretty well summed up her attitude toward Bea. She was a nice woman but so, so tedious. Who could blame her for drifting off during Bea’s recitations of Jessica’s latest and greatest accomplishments? No one who’d ever spent more than ten minutes with the woman, surely.

  “Well, for those of us who have been paying attention”—Charlotte shot Theo a disapproving look over her shoulder as she moved to the fridge—“Bea seems to think Jessica’s advisor is enamored of her, uh, intellect.”

  Theo had to snort.

  “Like, she wants Jessica to be her protégé. But it sounded to me like the interest might be less academic than Bea seems to think. Apparently Jessica regularly has dinner at Doctor Jackson’s house and gets invited to tag along to conferences.”

  “Oh.” That could be entirely innocent and more of the teacher’s-pet situation that Bea seemed to think, or it could be more…intimate. But that raised another question. “Is Jessica even queer?”

  Charlotte shrugged. “I don’t know. I’ve certainly never asked her. And Bea’s never mentioned it, although if Jessica wanted to keep her business private, god knows she wouldn’t tell Bea.”

  So true. Theo hadn’t worried at all about how her family or friends would react to her liking women. Except for being fiercely protective of their land and their culture, people who lived in the islands tended to be chill about almost everything. Even if some people had been weird about it, they hadn’t been worth Theo’s time or attention. It didn’t change how the people closest to her had felt about her or acted toward her one bit. But she was well-aware not everyone was so lucky. And though she found it hard to imagine, she could understand too that even the possibility of being rejected or shamed would be enough to tie someone up in knots until they decided it was best not to mention it at all. Which sucked.

  Something tugged at her heart, a string of sympathy for Jessica if that were in fact true. Bea wouldn’t care, but maybe the people she went to school with would? Or maybe she didn’t want her business splashed all over the island? But if Theo had known, she might’ve been a bit kinder to Jessica. Maybe found a way to let her know that she could talk to Theo and Theo could keep a secret, so Jessica’s sexuality wouldn’t end up the latest buzz on the coconut wireless.

  Charlotte handed Theo a bowl of lychees, and Theo set to skinning and pitting them, passing the readied fruit back to Charlotte who stuffed them with a white mixture from another bowl. The first one she handed back to Theo, and without asking what was in it—because who cared, it would be delicious—Theo took a bite. She’d had stuffed lychee before, but this was a little different. Had the addition of something small that made a big difference.

  The translucent, subtly sweet flesh of the lychee surrendered to her teeth, and the cream cheese inside gave way easily until she hit the crunch of a macadamia nut and the chewiness of candied ginger. Which was all well and good and reminded Theo of how delicious these treats were, but there was another dimension to the stuffing.

  “Did you add pineapple?”

  Charlotte smiled and tipped her head graciously. “I did. Do you like it?”

  “I love it, it’s so frigging good. Makes it sweeter, you know?” Theo popped the last bit into her mouth and then licked a little escaped stuffing from her fingers, relishing the taste.

  Charlotte snapped a kitchen towel at her. “You and your sweet tooth; it must drive your poor father crazy.”

  “No more than usual.”

 
; When they’d finished filling the lychees, Theo stripped off the apron and carried the tray back to where most of the partygoers were still chatting. A crowd descended as soon as she put it down, and she had to take a step back before she got bowled over. As it was, she stepped into someone.

  “Sorry, it’s like a feeding frenzy in here.”

  Austin didn’t look sorry at all, though. “No worries. I finally managed to escape the introduction train and was looking for you anyway. And here you are.”

  A flush of pleasure went through her at the idea that Austin had been looking for her. Which was silly, but she let herself enjoy it. They backed away slowly from the food and found a couch to sit on.

  “Did you hear about the mysterious lab equipment delivery?”

  Austin smirked, the side of his mouth pulling up. “The mass spectrometer? I did. You were right, word travels fast around here. Or is it that there’s not much to talk about?”

  “It’s a small town,” Theo conceded.

  “So where do you think it came from? Everyone seems to have a theory. Do you?” He said it conspiratorially, as if this were some sort of case to be solved, and Theo let her instincts to snoop and gossip take over.

  “No one thinks Jessica or Bea bought it; that doesn’t make any sense. The current favorite theory is that Jessica’s advisor sent it to her. Apparently Jessica is kind of the teacher’s pet, although there’s been speculation that the interest goes further than academics.”

  Austin’s eyebrows kicked up, and he leaned in. “Oh, really? Like there might be some sort of student-teacher thing going on? That’s kinda hot.”