If I Loved You Less

by Tamsen Parker

  “Yeah, but I don’t know. I feel like Jessica’s way too boring for that.”

  Austin leaned back, crossed an ankle over a knee, and rubbed a finger along his cleanly shaven jaw, his gaze wandering across the room to where Jessica stood talking to her aunt and Kini. “True.”

  “But it’s so extravagant. Who else would do something like that besides a lover?” Theo said the last word in a mocking tone. Because who said lover anymore? Ridiculous word, but she couldn’t think of anything better in the moment.

  “I think you’re right. Anyway, you guys definitely need some more entertainment around here. I was thinking a party. And for as delicious as it’s been, not a pig roast either. Doesn’t anyone around here dance?”

  “Sure, but there aren’t exactly any discotheques in Hanalei.”

  “There fucking should be. I miss the parties around campus. Even if we can’t have a full-blown club, couldn’t we get some people together for a dance party? Something? I’ve been going for runs in the morning and out to surf a couple of times, but I’d kill for some four on the floor and a bunch of strobe lights.”

  It wasn’t a terrible idea. Sounded fun actually, to dance in the dark, getting sweaty and sore from using her body in a different way than usual. And the more she thought about the idea of dancing—and dancing with Austin—the more she liked it. It would be fun and different and loud and head-clearing. Plus, he was hot, and she bet he was a good dancer. They could have a night of letting loose, just what she needed.

  They talked for a while, partially planning for the dance party, but also Theo being entertained by his first impressions of everyone in town. Their conversation lasted until Charlotte came over, and Bea joined them to say goodnight, her crutches clopping on the floor.

  “Very nice party, Charlotte. You and Jim really outdid yourselves. Everything was delicious, so delicious. I think I must have eaten about a thousand of those stuffed lychees. Though I wish people hadn’t descended on them like locusts, I would’ve liked to take a picture so I could paint them later. But they did, so I couldn’t get one. Maybe I could remember it well enough to do a sketch and then paint from that?”

  Bea being Bea, she went on for another twenty minutes about how delicious the food was before Jessica came over and practically dragged her out the door. Jim grabbed Austin to show him off to a late arrival, and Charlotte and Theo were alone again.

  “Do you know how Bea and Jessica got here?”

  “Um, walked?” Although with Bea hobbling around on her crutches like that, maybe not. Maybe Theo could go grab her Jeep and offer them a ride back across town. She should have enough time to get her Jeep and come back, because it took Bea forever to leave anywhere, even when her mobility wasn’t compromised.

  “No. That’s what I thought, and when Bea said her first round of goodbyes to Jim and me, I asked if we couldn’t give them a ride back. But she said no, that Kini had brought them. Honestly, she must have driven to bring Bea and Jessica. Mostly I forget Kini even has a car. But wasn’t that nice of her?”

  Ah, now it made sense, and the thought made a smile ghost across Theo’s lips. “Yes. And of course she did. I saw her coming from the wrong direction outside and teased her for driving, and she didn’t even say anything about having brought Jessica and Bea.”

  Which, again, of course she had.

  “See, now, you think it’s Kini being nice. I thought it might be more than that.”

  Theo felt her nose wrinkle and her lip curl, and she had to concentrate to smooth out her features. “What are you talking about?”

  “What if Kini has a thing for Jessica?”

  “Are you joking? That’s ridiculous. Why would she—”

  “Jessica’s smart and pretty. I’ve seen her in the bakery chatting with Kini. It’s been a long time since there was someone in town who Kini might take an interest in. The occasional tourist, sure, but Kini seems to genuinely like Jessica. Aside from a little May-December thing going on, I don’t see why that’s so preposterous. And this is your fault, anyway. I never thought of matchmaking until you got so into it.”

  “Well, you need to stop because you suck at it. No way does Kini have a crush or whatever on Jessica. No freaking way. She’s just nice, which is why she drove them over here. And Kini’s never said anything about wanting to date or get married or anything. She’s perfectly fine with the bakery, and she likes Kai and Eliza’s keiki, and she doesn’t need anything else. She’s fine. Her heart is full, she has no time. There’s no reason for her to get romantically involved with anyone.”

  “There was no need for me to fall in love with anyone either, but I did.” Charlotte’s lips pursed as she gave Theo a pointed look, and internally Theo was stomping a foot with fists at her sides. It was hard to argue against that because Jim and Charlotte were sickeningly happy, but no. Everything in her rebelled against the idea of Kini having any attraction to Jessica at all.

  Charlotte excused herself back to the kitchen to refresh some food that had run out, and Theo thought about going with her to help, but couldn’t do it. She didn’t want to hear any more about Charlotte’s half-cocked theories about Kini and Jessica. It irritated her to even think about what that might look like: Kini not being able to round out a card game with Theo’s dad because she was going out with Jessica, Theo dropping into the bakery to chat and work out her issues on some pastry dough to find Jessica already there with a flour handprint on her butt. No, nothing about this was okay.

  She was about to go walk off her tetchiness when the couch cushion next to her sank under someone’s weight. Kini’s.

  “Are you back from dropping off Bea and Jessica?”

  “I am. That’s one nice thing about driving anyway—I didn’t have to miss more than a few minutes of the party.” She nudged Theo with an elbow. “Maybe I should drive more often.”

  “Maybe you should. Or if I’d known, I could’ve brought the Jeep. I could’ve given them a ride back, too.”

  “I know. And if they’d have asked, I know you would’ve.” There was such confidence in Kini’s voice that it made Theo happy. Yes, she would.

  Since she hadn’t heard Kini’s take on the surprise delivery yet, she had to ask, starting with something that was basically a rhetorical because there was no way Kini hadn’t learned about it. “Did you hear that someone sent Jessica a mass spectrometer? Who do you think it was?”

  Kini crossed her arms over her ample chest as she surveyed the room. “I don’t know. I guess her thesis advisor would make the most sense? But honestly, it’s not the most thoughtful gift. Some people probably like surprises, but Jessica doesn’t strike me as one of them. Not to mention that, if they knew Bea’s situation at all, where is she going to keep a mass spectrometer? If the sender were dead-set on giving it to Jessica, the least they could’ve done was let her know it was coming so she could make arrangements for it.”

  Ah, grumpy, thoughtful Kini. There was also a distinct lack of jealousy in her tone that shored up Theo’s certainty that Charlotte was wrong, wrong, wrongity wrong. No way was her friend going to ruin everything by going and having a crush on some boring girl.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Despite staying out to a late-ish hour the night before, Theo hauled out of bed in the dim hours of the morning to catch some waves before much of the island was awake. Of course, she saw the glow of the backroom of the bakery on her way to the beach. Most mornings she’d go for a quick few runs on the beach just outside the back door of the shop, but some mornings she took the time to go a little farther and catch waves on other beaches. It was amazing how much things changed a few hundred yards away.

  She could’ve stopped to say hello to Kini, but she was still feeling a bit overfull from the party last night. It had nothing to do with the fact that she’d tossed and turned for most of the night having dreams of Kini and Jessica walking down a shell-lined aisle on the beach, both wearing flowy white dresses and crowns of plumeria and standing in front of a judge
to say their vows. What the hell was that, anyway? Maybe she could drown some of those images in the surf.

  On the beach, the sand was cool on the soles of her feet. The sun was still rising so it wasn’t hot the way it would be later on, the way that would make the tourists dance on their toes. No, it was water-logged still, and she made prints with each step that would vanish shortly because sand this wet wouldn’t hold its shape.

  The water, though, once she’d gotten close enough for the waves to lick at her toes, was warm. It was always warm. With her feet sinking into the sand as the water rolled in and drew out, she watched the waves until she figured out the sets and then waded farther out, board under her arm. Once she was hip-deep, she laid her board in the water, hopped stomach-down on top, and paddled out to where she’d be able to catch a decent wave to ride back into shore.

  Back at the house, Theo showered and slipped on clothes to man the shop for the day. Once she was dressed and had combed her hair out to air-dry, she finally checked her phone and was almost immediately disappointed.

  The sight of a text from Austin made her heart kick in kind of a funny way, and she opened it before anything else. Which was when the letdown started.

  Got a call from my mom early this morning, and she wanted me to come home right away. I wanted to stay longer but I couldn’t say no, so I’m on the first flight back to San Diego. I’ll have to take a raincheck on our dance party. In the meantime, start making a playlist. I’ll give you a heads-up when I can make it back. I’m really sorry, Theo. I was looking forward to hanging out with you more. xA

  * * *

  Yeah, that was not at all the news she’d wanted, and it made her want to kick rocks. She liked parties and she’d gotten super-excited about this and now it was being snatched away, and by Austin’s annoying mother no less.

  And xA? A kiss? She’d thought Austin might be into her, but a text kiss was serious business. Maybe it wouldn’t seem that way to people who hadn’t grown up with texts as one of the dominant forms of communication, but for her? For them? That wasn’t a throwaway, and it wasn’t something you’d type by accident. If you did, you either deleted it if you caught it before you sent or you didn’t catch it and you were fucked.

  Austin was the kind of cool guy who didn’t mess up that very basic social stuff, which meant he had sent that text, kiss and all, on purpose. Clearly, he was completely smitten with her.

  Over the next few days, feeling listless and meh in a way that not even going out on her board or snagging an extra malasada from Kini could cure, Theo had come to a strange conclusion. One that she had never expected, but that seemed obviously true because there was no other explanation for how blah and indolent she felt. Getting out of bed? Ugh. Teaching more tourists how to surf? They were more hopeless and ridiculous than usual. Running was torture, and if she felt that way, it didn’t help Laurel, who dragged her feet more than usual and made Theo want to lie down in the sand and not get up. Everything was dull, like it was covered in a wash of dust.

  Really, it was bad. She’d never been this down since…ever. It was super-weird that Austin’s abrupt departure had caused this. Yeah, she’d liked the guy, recognized that he was attractive, wished he’d stay for a long time, but that didn’t really explain how blue she was. Unless…unless…

  Unless she was in love with Austin.

  Which couldn’t be. She’d never had a real crush on a guy before, but that’s not what this felt like. It wasn’t the flurry of excitement and tightening low in her stomach like when she saw a smoking-hot tourist whose pants she’d really like to get into.

  And who was to say, anyhow? She’d never been in love—not really—so maybe this is what it was like? It would shift how she’d thought about her sexuality some, but that could happen. Plus, the squishier label of queer had always felt more comfortable than the more rigid identity of lesbian. Not to mention that he’d been her backup plan for as long as she could remember, with Jim seizing any opportunity to encourage it and her father not distraught about the prospect.

  These were her thoughts as she restocked the Sexwax decals that tourists couldn’t get enough of. Yes, they were funny, and she had her own stash, which had diminished greatly since she was in middle school, but when you saw them every day and had been asked far too many times if people actually used it for, you know, giggle, it lost its charm a bit. But they sold like hotcakes, so Sullivan’s always kept them stocked and ready to go. And restocking didn’t require much in the way of brainpower Theo didn’t have at the moment anyhow.

  “Thanks, Theo. That was awesome.”

  She smiled and herded her latest group of newbie surfers back up to the shop. She’d bet at least a couple of them would be headed straight for the desk to sign up for the Beginners II class she was teaching tomorrow, and some of them would purchase T-shirts, maybe a rashguard or wetsuit, and if it was a really good day and the mainlanders were feeling spendy, a board of their very own. Plus, the obligatory few pucks of Sexwax Quick Humps, because of course. Which, no, they really shouldn’t use as lube.

  But unlike a week ago, she could laugh at that and joke with the cooler out-of-towners. This was the best part of her job: getting to meet new people and getting them to fall in love with surfing. She couldn’t grasp what it would be like not to have grown up being out on the water, but she could imagine having to leave and not be able to surf every day. She’d die. So the least she could do is give these people joy for the time they could take away from real life to be in paradise and then be thankful she could be here all the time.

  It had been a whole week since she’d received that text from Austin. Her spirits had returned in force, but she still harbored some idea of being in love with him. Maybe not a lot—not, so much, certainly, as he was undoubtedly into her—but still, some. She liked hearing from Charlotte about the emails he’d sent her and Jim, and she had been pleased to get his text the other day that he’d sent, allegedly to say hello. That meant something, right?

  Besides, everyone had to be in love at some point, and if this had been her time, then she’d gotten off easy. Some people seemed to get smacked up the head by love in a way that Theo couldn’t grasp. Which was how she felt about Laurel’s continued depression about Brock.

  There she was, ringing up a super-cute tech guy from Palo Alto at the register, and she could barely smile. Rumor had it Brock had come back yesterday with his new wife, and everyone was buzzing to meet her—except Laurel who’d been tossed into a renewed funk. Yeah, it sucked, but there were so many other fish in the sea. Like Builty McHotPants who was trying to flirt with Laurel. He’d probably be back tomorrow because he hadn’t been half-bad, and Theo had told him he had potential. Dudes loved to hear that.

  After they’d cleared out the shop from the lesson go-ers, Theo slid a stool up beside where Laurel was moping by the register and grabbed a banana from a bowl they kept under the desk. She offered one to Laurel but was waved off.

  Since the shop was empty and she had a minute, Theo checked her phone and found a few emails in her inbox, including one that she would’ve rather not seen. And from the expression on Laurel’s face, she’d received the same thing.

  “Did you get—”

  The way Laurel dropped the phone on the counter and rushed off to the restroom in the back with a sniffle would’ve been answer enough, and when Theo caught a glimpse at what was on the screen of Laurel’s abandoned phone, her fears were confirmed.

  An evite with flowers and a swoopy font that asked them to

  Please join Brock and Stella Ashley to celebrate their marriage…

  Ugh, what a dick. Theo couldn’t muster any enthusiasm for this party, but doubtless she’d have to go. It’s not like she had a good excuse as to why she couldn’t, and her father would want to go since he liked Brock well enough. And despite not being the biggest fan of marriage, he still had enough manners to know he shouldn’t rain on someone else’s matrimonial parade. At least to their faces.

&nb
sp; Laurel got back from the bathroom with red eyes and blotchy cheeks and a slouch in her step. The way she dropped onto the stool and fell forward onto the counter was the last straw. Theo couldn’t take it anymore. Her efforts to cheer Laurel up or distract her with other guys or to be a patient shoulder for Laurel to cry on hadn’t resulted in any change in Laurel’s mood or obsessive thinking about Brock. Enough was enough, so she’d try a different plan of attack.

  “Look, I know you’re upset about Brock still, and it blows that he’s come back with his new wife and that we’ll have to go to their stupid party. But do you get that you being so miserable about this makes me feel like I’ve been a terrible friend?”

  Laurel pushed up from where she’d face-planted, her eyes wide, and shoved some unruly hair out of her face. “What?”

  “Yeah,” Theo ventured, because it seemed like she might be on the right track. Either that or she was going to piss Laurel off and then she’d have something else to feel crappy about, but it seemed worth the risk. “I haven’t tried to stop you from talking about Brock because I’d really hoped that you would get over him for your own mental health. But it doesn’t seem to be working and it’s just making me feel more and more like total crap for having set you up in the first place. I’d so much rather you move on for your own reasons, but if that isn’t going to cut it, do you think there’s any way you could rise above it for me? Please? I want my friend back and not some Mopey-Over-An-Undeserving-Dickhead McGee.”

  Laurel’s eyes widened even farther behind her glasses, and her mouth dropped open. “Oh my god, I hadn’t even thought of it that way. I’m so sorry, Theo. You’ve been nothing but nice to me, and I’m not angry at you about Brock at all. I never meant to make you feel bad, and, ugh, I am the worst friend ever.”