If I Loved You Less

by Tamsen Parker

  In fact, Austin hadn’t seemed to mind playing the hero and had been kind to Laurel when she was freaking out. Some dudes would’ve deposited her on the beach and wished her good luck, but Austin had carried her—carried her—all the way up to the shop and was still here, making sure Laurel was cared for. Surely there was something there? And if Laurel hadn’t thought about Austin before—and why wouldn’t she?—a shirtless handsome rescuer would compel almost anyone in her situation to have some pants feelings.

  On her way back to the shop, Theo briefly considered trying to keep this from her father, because his usual entreaties to be careful out there would double for at least the next month once he got wind of it. But everyone in Hanalei would know by lunchtime, so she shouldn’t bother. She would, of course, remind him that she’d been surfing for nearly her whole life while Laurel had been at it for only a couple of months, and Theo was smart enough not to go out in even this mildly bad weather.

  Come to think of it, she was going to have to do some scolding of Laurel herself for having gone out on the water alone and under less than ideal conditions. She loved her enthusiasm, but not if it was going to get her hurt, which clearly it had.

  She paused for a moment in the doorway to the shop to take in a sight that made her matchmaking heart happy: a shirtless, studly Austin, still with his arm around Laurel, who was looking up at him like he was a comic book superhero who’d saved the island. Theo couldn’t have wanted for a more perfect setup if she’d engineered this herself. She could picture it now: Austin and Laurel, sitting on the beach, K-I-S-S-I-N-G.

  Austin had to go back to San Diego for a few days, but before he left, Theo was determined to send him off with a small beach bonfire. Nothing extravagant so it couldn’t go awry like it had when they’d tried to make the dance party happen the first time; just some friends and some drinks with some food on the beach after the sun went down before Austin had to leave them again.

  It was also possible that she had taken every opportunity in the last few days to throw Austin and Laurel together to remind them exactly how in love they’d fallen the other day. People said absence made the heart grow fonder, but that only worked after you’d had enough time to become fond of someone in the first place, so that had been Theo’s chief mission since the surf accident.

  She’d asked both Austin and Laurel to show up early with the idea that she’d sneak off after setting them to work building the fire. Unfortunately, Austin was late, but Laurel was, as ever, punctual as could be. So Theo and Laurel built the small pile of driftwood and twigs and balled-up newspapers.

  “I know we said we were going to wait until people got here to set the fire, but do you think we could do it now?”

  Theo couldn’t see any real reason to wait; they’d gathered enough wood and paper to keep the fire burning for a good few hours. She offered Laurel the honors, but her friend demurred, grabbing the backpack she’d toted over while Theo took a long match and set the paper and twigs at the base aflame, the larger sticks and some things she might even call logs catching fire after a few minutes. When she was sure the flames wouldn’t gutter, she turned her attention to Laurel, who was clearly waiting on her.

  “What’s up?”

  “I…” Laurel stood straighter and righted her glasses. “I wanted to tell you that I am officially over Brock Ashley.”

  Theo had thought as much, given that she hadn’t had to endure Laurel’s tortured lamenting about how she wasn’t with Brock, but it was good to hear from the girl herself anyhow.

  “That’s awesome. He was so not worth your time, and I’m sorry for any part I played in getting you interested in him in the first place. If I’d known then what I know now, I never would’ve steered you in his direction. You’re way too good for him.”

  Laurel waved her off with a shake of her hand. “It’s so not your fault. Like, yeah, you introduced us, but I was set on him long after he showed himself to be kind of a dick, and that has nothing to do with you. I can hardly believe I had such a crush on him for so long—now I really can’t see anything special about him at all. I used to go out of my way to run into him.”

  A blush Theo could see even in the light of the bonfire crept up Laurel’s cheeks, and she no doubt felt it because she covered her face in her hands before forcing them down and into curled fists.

  “I don’t really care if I see him or not now. Except, out of those two options, I’d rather not. Actually, I’ve been avoiding him, but more because he’s insufferable and his wife is—” Laurel made a gagging noise, which was pretty much how Theo felt about Stella Ashley, too. “There is not a single ounce of jealousy in my body for that woman. Not that I want anything bad to happen to either one of them; I hope they’re very happy together. But I want no part of it.”

  Laurel drew herself up again, and reached into her backpack, drawing out a small box that had been covered over with what looked like magazine clippings and other bits of paper until it looked like a mash-up of island life: waves, pineapples, surfers, flowers. It was pretty, and curiosity clawed at Theo, demanding to know what was inside.

  “And since I don’t want any part of him anymore, I wanted to destroy everything I have related to him. Can you guess what’s in here?”

  If only she could, Theo wouldn’t have the very strong urge to grab the box out of her friend’s hands and tear it open, revealing its secrets herself. But she tried to play it cool, be chill. “No, what is it? Did Brock give you something?”

  Again with the flush. Theo couldn’t help but be glad she herself wasn’t prone to blushing, because if it was this obvious on Laurel’s light bronze skin, it would be wildly so on Theo’s cooked-chicken pallor. She spent a lot of time in the sun, but sunscreen was her best friend because she’d inherited her father’s tendency to burn. Thanks, Dad. Of course Laurel’s embarrassment made Theo even more eager to know what on god’s green earth was in that box.

  “No, not at all. They’re things that remind me of him, that until a few days ago I’ve obsessed over. Now, I never want to see them again.”

  Finally, Laurel opened the box, and inside was a slip of paper and a seashell. Um, okay? She took out the slip of paper, and it took Theo a few seconds of squinting to realize it was a receipt from Sullivan’s.

  Laurel looked at her as though she was waiting for a reaction, but Theo had nothing to give her, not even after wracking her brain for what a receipt could possibly have to do with this.

  “Don’t tell me you don’t remember.”

  “Remember what?” Maybe this made her a terrible friend, but she saw a hundred of those receipts a day. Who the hell could tell one from another? Maybe if she were close enough to see what it was for? But even when she leaned in, all she could see was that it was for a few dollars for one of the protein bars they kept up at the registers. Yeah, she had no clue. Zip, zero, zilch.

  “That day that Brock came into the store after his run? It was his day off so he’d gone later than usual which was why we didn’t see him on the beach that day. He stopped by on his way home, and he asked me what my favorite flavor was. Obviously it’s the chocolate one, but I couldn’t tell him that because he’s such a health nut, so I told him it was the WOW bar.”

  Theo couldn’t help the look of horror that had pulled her face in about a thousand different directions. The WOW bars were by far the most disgusting thing they carried. WOW stood for whey, oatmeal, and wheatgrass and had clearly been dreamed up by someone who thought eating protein bars should be an endurance sport in and of itself. Revolting was not a strong enough word for how bad these things were. Theo had often been tempted to throw them into the ocean, but she didn’t want the fish to suffer.

  “I know,” Laurel wailed. “And he bought it! I hope he was just being nice and didn’t actually eat it, because blech. Anyway, he gave me the most dazzling smile when he handed me his credit card and our fingers brushed and… I am so ridiculous, but he didn’t take the receipt with him, so I kept it.”


  “All this time, you kept this piece of paper? Because it reminded you of him?”

  “Yes, I know, so pathetic.”

  Wonder was the only word Theo could’ve used to describe her reaction to this little tidbit. Never, ever had she been so enamored with anyone—not even in her brief dalliance with thinking she might be in love with Austin—that she would’ve considered taking something so paltry and pitiful an object as an abandoned receipt and cherishing it. There was absolutely not a small pang of envy toward Laurel for having experienced such a fervent passion, even if it had come to nothing. Theo couldn’t imagine what it might be like to experience that kind of hunger for another person.

  A different kind of curiosity nagged at her, one that wasn’t so much her natural nosiness and propensity to snoop as it was…earnest. She found herself very much wanting to know what it was like to fall so very hard for someone, and somewhat embarrassed by the wanting. But Laurel was absorbed in her purge and wouldn’t notice.

  “Did…did it actually make you happy to keep this stuff?”

  Theo could picture Laurel worrying the thin paper between her fingers while lying on her futon in her small apartment, listening to some emo sounds, fantasizing about Brock.

  “Ugh, yes, which is so mortifying. But I’m over him now. So over him. Honestly, I wish I could forget what a lovesick puppy I was as easily as I can throw these things into the fire. Can we get this over with before anyone else shows up and I have any other witnesses to my ridiculousness? Please?”

  As she did, Theo had to wonder how long this would last—not that Laurel would fall back in love with Brock, because ew, no, but how long would it be until she was collecting the detritus of Austin’s visits to the shop and picking up the napkin he’d used over lunch?

  Chapter Seventeen

  It was a glorious morning on the beach, and Theo had been vigilant about getting up at the ass-crack of dawn all week in case Laurel decided to go out on her board by herself again. If Theo could be guaranteed that Austin would rescue Laurel again, she might slack off in order to force them together. But really, how many times could a girl do something silly like that without a person losing interest because they were clearly too birdbrained to live? Not that Austin really seemed like the Darwin type, but she could imagine him feeling like a big man for looking after a woman, especially one who was otherwise capable like Laurel was.

  But really, this was too good a morning to miss, and besides, Austin wasn’t the world’s most reliable person. Hell, she might get back to her house and find a text on her phone that he’d gone back to the mainland again.

  Laurel showed up a couple of minutes later, sneakers on and looking at least half-awake, which was better than normal. They set off down the beach, Laurel at a slow and steady pace and Theo sprinting ahead and jogging back repeatedly until there was a stretch of beach where she felt fine about jogging backward so she and Laurel could chat.

  “You have to promise me that even when you start dating someone that you’ll still run with me. I know some people like to work out with their partners, but come on, you need a little mystery, right? They don’t need to see you sweating and out of breath. Also, it’s way more fun to be out here with another person, and you know I don’t do well being the third wheel. So, please? Promise?”

  “You don’t have to worry,” Laurel said between pants. “I’ve given up on dating anyone for a while. Or maybe forever. I’m not sure.”

  That seemed a bit dramatic, even for Laurel.

  “What for? I mean, I hope this isn’t about Brock McTurdface. I thought you were over him.”

  “Oh, no, it has nothing to do with him. I am as over him as it is possible for a human to be over another human.” Followed by something that sounded an awful lot like, “…so much better than Brock.”

  Curiouser and curiouser.

  Theo turned around and did a few more sprints, trying to decide whether to pursue questioning Laurel. Was she supposed to hear the remark about “better than Brock”? If so, she should ask about it. Who or what was better than Brock? But if she hadn’t been meant to hear it, she didn’t want to mortify poor Laurel. God knew the girl had been through enough when it came to romance. Was she maybe referring to Austin? Because if so, yes, Austin was way better than Brock. But what if there was more to it than that? What if Laurel was counting herself out because she thought she wasn’t good enough for Austin? Which was some bullshit. If for no other reason, she needed to make that clear. But she’d try a roundabout approach because if Laurel had really wanted to talk about this, she would’ve…talked about it.

  Back to where Laurel was still slowly but surely jogging her way down the beach, Theo took up her backward trot, picking up her knees to give her abs more of a workout.

  “I’m not going to try to argue you out of this not-dating thing, because we can all use a break sometimes, but I think the ‘ever’ is probably a bit much. Also, I don’t want you self-selecting out. Because if you have this idea that you might not be good enough for someone? That’s some nonsense right there.”

  Laurel covered her eyes, which was not the best idea, but she uncovered them a second later with a shake of her head. “It’s fine. They’re so out of my league it’s not even funny. I’m sure I’ll get over it, and in the meantime, I don’t want to make an ass out of myself. I am completely satisfied to admire them from afar.”

  That was all well and good, but entirely unnecessary. Laurel should have someone for real, and Theo wanted to encourage this interest in Austin, but less than she had with Brock because look how that had turned out. Subtlety was the name of the game here. Especially if Laurel was playing the pronoun game. Or maybe she was trying to be more sensitive to the fact that Theo liked women? It was a nice gesture if that were true, and she’d encourage that as well by playing along.

  “I don’t blame you at all for crushing on them. After all, they did kind of save your ass.”

  “I know, right? It could’ve been so awful, like the very worst, but then it turned into being really wonderful, and I’m so grateful.”

  Yes, this all made perfect sense and was much as Theo had suspected. Peril was always good for romance, and though she would tread carefully, Theo was totally in favor of this crush. It seemed less outlandish than Laurel’s crush on Brock, so hopefully she would be more sensible and on the off chance nothing came of this either, hopefully she wouldn’t be so devastated. It had been hard enough the first time; Theo wasn’t sure either of them would survive another Brock Ashley affair.

  “It makes all the sense in the world to me that you’d be having feelings for…this person, and I think you’ve chosen very well. But, to be on the safe side, I think I should stay out of this entirely. I don’t want to unduly influence you this time. So let me just say this: Pay attention to this person’s behavior toward you and let that be your guide. I don’t want you getting crushed again if this certain someone doesn’t return your feelings. Can you do that for me?”

  Laurel nodded, and Theo turned around because they were almost at the point where they’d head back to the showers and then on to the shop to start their day. Thoughts churned in Theo’s head like a riptide. Had she done enough? Offered enough encouragement? Or had she been too subtle? Maybe one more itsy bitsy little nudge was in order. A tiny bitty little poke in the right direction…

  “Okay, after this I will for realsies keep my thoughts to myself, but I think you’ve made a good choice this time. They are more than worthy of your affections, and it speaks highly of you too that you’ve focused your attentions here after getting over Brock. I approve.”

  Laurel flushed, and Theo didn’t think it was related to the slight incline of the beach, but to embarrassment. At the point where they usually called it half-done, Theo tagged the stick they’d driven into the ground and started off at a sprint back to where the fresh water would be waiting, calling over her shoulder as Laurel slapped the stick as well and took off at a good pace, gaining on Theo.
/>   “Last one to the shop is buying lunch at Queen’s today!”

  Chapter Eighteen

  The next time Austin arrived in Hanalei, he did so with a mission which he conveyed to Theo over boba tea at Queen’s.

  “Did you know I’ve never seen much of the island?”

  Theo took a sip, chewing the tapioca between her teeth after she’d swallowed down the Thai milk tea the bubbles had been resting in. “What are you talking about? You fly in all the time, and the drive from Lihue is practically halfway around the island. It’s farther than I’ve been in years anyway. Hanalei’s the best part of the island. Why would you want to spend time anywhere else?”

  Austin poked at the dark bubbles sitting at the bottom of his own transparent cup with the fat straw. They bobbed in the bright orange liquid as Austin stared into the tea rather than meet Theo’s eyes. “Well, sure. I love Hanalei, but wouldn’t it be fun to go on a little adventure? Drive over to the west side. Watch the sunset out at Polihale or head up into Kokee. It’s not like I’m asking you to fly back to San Diego with me or anything.”

  That was true, and Theo had to suppress a shudder at the idea of making such a trip. She’d floated the prospect of going to Honolulu to visit Kai and Eliza once, and her dad had flipped out so badly she’d never brought it up again. Never mind if she planned a trip to the mainland. Forget that. She was lucky he seemed to think of the section of Kuhio Highway that ran through town as an extension of their own home, otherwise she’d probably be a shut-in alongside him.