If I Loved You Less

by Tamsen Parker

  For as much of a hard time as she gave him, and for as many times as she didn’t obey his wishes—when it came to all the deliciousness that could be had from Queen’s, at any rate—she really did try not to make him worry. And part of that had always been sticking as close by as possible. Truthfully, she hadn’t missed it much. People who relocated to the island complained about all the things they missed, but Theo had never felt deprived. Everything she needed was in Hanalei, almost everyone whom she cared about, and there was no reason to leave.

  Sure, she’d wondered about what other places might be like, but then she’d hear about the horrible traffic in Honolulu, the droughts in California, the snow in much of the mainland, earthquakes, places where you couldn’t even see water, and it all sounded awful. A quick internet search or reading a book set in one of those places would usually quell her wanderlust posthaste.

  But somewhere else on Kauai? That might not be the worst thing, and when she thought of all the time she and Austin had spent together, a trip to the south shore or the west side could hardly be unenjoyable.

  “Where were you thinking?”

  Two days later, there was a caravan on its way to Waimea. How it had turned from friends going on a daytrip into half of Hanalei making some kind of pilgrimage, Theo wasn’t quite sure. She and Austin had decided to go, then Theo had said it would be nice to include Laurel since she’d never been to Waimea either—and not for any sort of ulterior motive, nope, not at all—and then Austin had invited his dad and Charlotte, and that’s when things really got out of hand because Jim was extremely sociable and wanted everyone to come. Even the Ashleys, which was who Theo was the most peeved about.

  Because of course Stella wanted to make this some big thing with an excessive amount of pomp and circumstance—which to Theo’s mind was basically any—and it had somehow become “her” outing instead of Austin and Theo’s. At least the Ashleys had their own car to take and had pressed Jessica and Bea into travelling with them. Kini was driving Jim and Charlotte, though they each had a car of their own, because as Kini said, her car could bear to leave her driveway at least once a month. And Theo had the pleasure of Austin and Laurel’s company. Although she was starting to wonder about the wisdom of considering Austin to be an excellent companion.

  For much of the drive, he’d complained about the lack of air conditioning in the car. Which…almost the entire top of the Jeep was open and there was a good breeze. What more could the man possibly ask for? It was a gorgeous day. Laurel seemed untroubled at first, but by the time they were winding up the steep road to the top of the canyon, she and Austin were both pissing her the hell off.

  Way too much complaining, a whole lot of “are we there yets,” and other ridiculously inane comments that made Theo want to pull over at the next outlook and chuck them both out of the Jeep and over the side of the red-walled canyon. Unlike the goats who clung to the sides, defying gravity and all the other laws of physics, they’d probably plummet to their dooms, which didn’t seem like such a terrible thing.

  When they finally arrived at the top of the canyon, Theo jammed on the brake and bailed out of the car. She’d put on sunscreen for the trip, but it hadn’t protected against her face feeling hot from the sun beating down. She hadn’t wanted to join the whiny brigade and complain, though. Also, as much as she usually enjoyed spending time with them, Austin had reached a new level of pointless in his conversation and Laurel had followed suit, and Theo needed to get away from them before she found some convenient vines to strangle them with.

  After she’d vaulted out of the car, she found a woman who’d set up shop to the side of the parking lot, selling produce and baked goods. She wouldn’t chance the baked goods because there was no way they’d be as good as Kini’s, but she did snag a bunch of perfectly ripe apple bananas and started devouring them like she hadn’t eaten for days. Maybe everyone was hangry; that could be it.

  The Hanalei contingent pulled into the parking spaces and spilled out of their cars, exclaiming about the magnificent views, the startlingly reddish-orange of the soil here, and the craggy landscapes. From what little Theo had been able to see—since she’d been steadfastly keeping her eyes on the road as she’d told her father she would—it was indeed beautiful over here, and in a different way from the other side of the island. It seemed more…volatile somehow, with more contrasts in the landscape. The peaks higher and a huge canyon instead of valleys. And, god, the color. Hanalei was all lush and green where it wasn’t sandy or the blue of sea and sky. This was something else entirely.

  There was still a riot of vegetation but compared to her wet side of the island, Waimea was almost a desert. So much visible dirt, and the landscape was overwhelmingly red to her eyes. Almost as though the volcano that had formed the island millions of years ago had come back to life and was spilling fire over the land. It was dirt, soil, earth—Theo knew that. But it was disconcerting nonetheless.

  Even though Jim had been all excited about everyone being together, they tended to split into parties, the same people who had arrived together sticking together for going to lookouts. A short walk brought them to a view of the canyon with its walls marching into the sea.

  Kauai was a small island. Small enough that there was one highway that formed a crescent around the island and a person could drive from one end to the other and back and still be home in time for lunch. And sometimes it felt that way; small, quaint, sleepy, and if she were being unkind, insignificant. More often, it felt like home, and Theo couldn’t imagine not living on the ocean, being able to put her feet in the sand and head out on the waves basically whenever she wanted to.

  Occasionally, she was reminded exactly how majestic her home was. An especially vibrant sunset, a particularly violent storm, the splatter of tartness against her tongue from a perfectly ripe poha berry after she’d stripped off its paper-lantern shell and popped it in her mouth. And now she’d think of this view with its saturated greens and blues and heights such that it was hard to comprehend them. A person could easily get lost out there. Sure, it was a small island, but it wouldn’t feel that way if you were surrounded by the greenery she had a bird’s eye view of. It would feel enormous and probably threatening as the sun went down.

  Luckily, she had a whole party to keep her company, and they wouldn’t be hiking far, owing to Bea’s leg. Which was annoying in some ways—did the woman always have to be a sopping wet blanket on everything she touched? On the other hand, it also meant they’d get to eat sooner, and Theo wasn’t about to argue against that.

  About an hour later, their entire party was settled on blankets and mats in a clearing, with Bea perched on a felled ohia. The food had a way of bringing them all together that the hike hadn’t managed to, although Theo still had Laurel to one side of her and Austin on the other. Austin, who was being an incorrigible flirt. Way better than him being a grumpy Gus, so Theo did absolutely nothing to discourage his attentions.

  They knocked knees and shared food and made each other laugh, and it was longer than she’d like to admit before Theo realized that no one else was having fun. Or talking. Or…anything. No, somehow she and Austin had become the center of attention. While she usually didn’t mind being the belle of the ball, was used to it to some extent what with being a teacher of sorts, the moment made her uncomfortable in her skin, and she wanted it to stop. Immediately.

  She leaned over, nearly putting her head on Austin’s shoulder and angled her head to speak into his ear. “Have you noticed no one else is talking? This is, like, super-awkward. I mean, I don’t mind comfortable silences, but right now we’re basically the sole entertainment for ten people. That seems excessive.”

  Austin turned to her in a way that, had she any interest in kissing him, would have invited that sort of behavior. As she didn’t, it made her giggle, knowing everyone was staring at them, likely wondering what the fuck was going on, except for Jim who was probably delighted because he still maintained hope that Theo and Austin might
end up together. “You’re right. That’s not okay.”

  Austin clapped his hands together and jumped to his feet, startling everyone. “Okay, everyone. Theo’s bored, and it’s our obligation to entertain her. Any ideas as to how we might do that?”

  Theo covered her face in embarrassment because she’d really hoped he’d be more subtle than that, but Austin wasn’t exactly known for his finesse. Nor was he known for overly thinking through how his actions might affect others. Yes, Theo was embarrassed, but if it had been someone else in the circle, Austin would’ve mortified them.

  At least it got everyone to talking, suggesting different games to be played, ranging from Never Have I Ever—oh, hell, no—Truth or Dare—samesies—and Bullshit. They finally landed on Forehead Detective. They almost gave up because no one had thought to bring materials for it, but then Jessica volunteered that she had Post-Its in her bag. Seemed puzzled, actually, that not everyone did.

  Once they’d each written down a famous person or thing, everyone turned to their right and stuck their Post-It on their neighbor’s forehead. Theo went first, and after people had given her hints, it was easy enough to guess that she was Marilyn Monroe—thank you, Austin. Jim struggled a bit more, but eventually was quite delighted that he was Captain America.

  Then it was Bea’s turn, and she sputtered concerns about not being able to guess. Which was met by choruses of disagreement and encouragement. Followed by it taking Bea five goddamn minutes to guess that she was a famous book and not a person at all.

  Theo couldn’t take it anymore. She’d had enough of dull conversation. They were playing this game because it was supposed to be fun, dammit. And Bea was making it—just like she did with everything else—as tedious as watching paint dry.

  “Bea, this shouldn’t be all that hard. It’s a long, boring book that will take as long to read as you’re taking to figure out this basic answer.”

  There was a beat. A single beat in which Theo had the good sense to regret what she’d said, and that was before Bea started blinking too quickly, her head bobbing sort of like a chicken’s before she turned to Kini.

  “Wow. I must be worse company than I thought.”

  Before Kini could respond with anything more than a dark glare in Theo’s direction, Austin piped up. “Maybe it’s more of a dude book. I mean, most girls don’t like fishing, am I right?”

  It only took Bea three more guesses to arrive at Moby Dick.

  Stella, as usual, felt the need to contribute and waved her arm that was dripping with gold bracelets today. For a hike. Sigh. “This is a stupid game. Maybe it would be fun if we lived somewhere where the weather was terrible and we had to be shut up all the time and we had nothing better to do, but we don’t. And besides, I’m not the best at guessing games. I’m the best at charades, what with my degree in theater, and since I took all those art classes I’m also really amazing at Pictionary, but this game can’t be fun for anyone.”

  “And I,” piped up Brock with a sneer on his face and resentment in his tone, “I can’t imagine that I’d have anything of interest to say. After all, I’m a boring old married man, and I wouldn’t want to say anything untoward in front of my wife.”

  Dear god, who said anything about being untoward? Yeah, it was fun to get a little raunchy with this game among peers, and it invariably did, but Austin’s dad was there and Bea. Brock could’ve easily volunteered something not at all scandalous, but no. All he could think of was dirty stuff. Which Theo was definitely not in the market for. Jeez. She was happy Brock was sitting across the circle from her and hadn’t been the one to attach a Post-It to her head.

  Theo was about to protest—in the service of at least pretending to be disappointed—but Brock cut her off with a pointed glare and then turned to his wife, who was busy brushing off the blanket she was sitting on as if there were invisible bugs on it. “Let’s take a walk, Stella.”

  “Yes, let’s. Jessica, let’s go.”

  But Jessica declined, and for once Stella let it go, taking Brock’s hand and walking off in a rustle of bangles and the awkward gait of wearing incredibly inappropriate shoes.

  Once they were gone and everyone else seemed to be studying their empty plates and the mats they were sitting on real hard, Austin said, “They’re certainly a good match. I mean, they knew each other for, what, less than a week and then got married in Vegas? That’s pretty lucky if you think about it.”

  Theo felt her eyebrows crunch down, undoubtedly forming lines on her forehead. Who could possibly think that marrying either one of those people was lucky? But Austin shook a finger at her.

  “I’m not saying anyone else would be lucky to be married to either one of them, but you have to admit they’re very compatible. Which is surprising because in less than a week, in likely mostly public interactions—”

  Theo had to bury her snort of laughter in her elbow and pretend it was a cough. Because, sure, Stella and Brock hadn’t gone at it like rabbits with a mission to repopulate a planet during that week. Austin smirked at her but pounded her back to further the ruse, because yeah, his dad was there, and they weren’t going to make jokes about how Stella and Brock had likely fucked each other raw.

  “You all right there? Anyway, my point is that you don’t really get to know a person when you only see them in public. You only really get to know a person when you see what they’re like when left to their own devices. In their own house, with their close friends and family, and maybe not even then. You usually have to spend some time not with other people before you get a true picture of anyone.”

  Theo was about to respond to this observation—which she thought kind of silly, because she was…herself, all the time, everywhere—but Jessica got there first. Which was odd because Jessica didn’t usually speak much in groups this large. Or at all, for that matter, from what Theo had seen.

  “I’m sure that happens sometimes—that people meet in a whirlwind and decide to be together forever—but it can’t be very often. Also, it’s probably only silly people who leave everything to chance, who would let a freak meeting like that determine the rest of their lives. They could, after all, always break it off if they found out later they really weren’t well-suited at all.”

  There was a vibe of some sort in the air, aside from the impending rain that always swept this side of the island in the afternoons. It was definitely there, but for the life of her, Theo couldn’t put a finger on it. Everyone else seemed disconcerted by Jessica’s uncharacteristic monologuing too, but no one said anything. Maybe they were too stunned. It even took Austin a minute to get his shit together enough to come up with something to say, and he was almost always ready to contribute something, no matter how inane it was. Luckily it wasn’t so long before he took up his duties.

  “I guess that’s what people get when they make decisions based on passion alone, isn’t it? Ill-advised matches that won’t last, or if they do, won’t make anyone happy? I mean, I personally understand the limits of my own judgment, so I’m hoping someone will arrange my eventual marriage for me. Will you?” He nudged Theo’s knee with his own again. “I’m sure you’d do a better job than I would.”

  “Probably true,” she conceded with a smile. Even Kini had agreed that Laurel would’ve been a better pick for Brock than Stella. “Okay, I’ll do it. She’ll be fabulous. And just like me. That’s what you wanted, right?”

  And because he was in a flirty mood, of course he agreed. “Oh, yes. Exactly like you. Make her over in your own image if you have to. When I finish this godforsaken degree, I’ll come back here and pick up my mail-order bride, okay?”

  They shook on it, and satisfaction welled in Theo. Even if he was teasing, there was an undercurrent of something else lurking, and she chose to believe that it was a budding interest in Laurel. What else could he have possibly meant by asking for someone in her own image? It’s not like she had another protégé. Yes, he had to be talking about Laurel. And really, it was more rewarding for him to say he
wanted someone that she’d picked and groomed for him than to say he wanted her. That wasn’t going to happen, and this was better. It was much more fun to play matchmaker than to be made a match of.

  A couple of hours later, they’d all had their fill of wandering around the trails and were ready to head back. The rain was looming, and while they were all used to it, that didn’t mean they wanted a soggy ride home. So everyone split up into their cars, and Theo was putting the fabric top on her Jeep when Kini came over, looking perturbed.

  Kini glanced around as though she was trying to see if anyone was in hearing distance, but no one was. Theo had managed to escape Austin’s overly enthusiastic conversational clutches and even Laurel was occupied, so she finally had some quiet time to herself. She was enjoying the familiar process of attaching the top to the Jeep.

  “Theo…as someone who’s known you since the day you were born, I can’t see you behaving badly and not say anything. I know I can come across as a pain in your butt, trying to ruin your fun, but honestly I want to see you be the very best person you can be, and when you’re not…” Kini sucked air through her teeth, and her brow knit. There was a queasy feeling in the pit of Theo’s stomach, because she knew what was coming and she wasn’t looking forward to it. “How could you say that to Bea? It was cruel. I know you tease and joke sometimes, but that wasn’t funny. It was flat-out mean, and I wouldn’t have thought you capable of that.”

  She felt a pang of guilt at the time, but it wasn’t such a big deal, was it? “Come on, everyone was thinking it, and you know it. The only crime I committed was saying it out loud. It wasn’t a big deal, and she probably didn’t even notice.”

  “She absolutely did. She was talking about it when I caught up with her and Jessica. I wish you would’ve heard her saying how patient you must be if she’s so slow-witted.”