If I Loved You Less

by Tamsen Parker

  It wasn’t so often that Kini was really angry with her. Hardly ever. Most of the time when Kini chastised her, it was a gentle correction—a nudge into being better, perhaps not making the same mistake again. Mostly there was fondness even in her reprimands, but not now. No, now her face was a mask of anger, and her whole body practically vibrated with it. This was not a kind, well-meaning correction. This was far more than that, and Theo felt herself being backed into a corner. She didn’t like it, so she did what she always did and tried to talk her way out of it.

  “Please. She’s a really nice woman, but you have to admit she’s also annoying as fuck and kind of ridiculous.”

  Kini shook her head, her hands fisted on her broad hips, and she studied the ground before looking back up at Theo, anger still in her eyes, and colored by something Theo was tempted to call shame. And what did Kini have to be ashamed of? She wasn’t the one who’d been rude to Bea.

  “I’m not going to argue that Bea can’t be irritating. She can be, without a doubt. And if she were better off or had a wider social circle, I might let you get away with it. But that’s not how things are, and you know that. She’s poor, she struggles to pay her bills, and it’s not likely that her circumstances will change. If anything, they’ll probably get worse. Her life isn’t easy, and for you to pick on someone who is not nearly as blessed as yourself is crappy. Badly done, Theo. She’s cared for you since you were a baby just like I have, and you made fun of her in front of her friends, in front of her niece, in front of people like Laurel and Austin who will follow your lead as to who’s worthy of their attention and respect.”

  Theo’s throat was thick, and her sinuses burned. It was true, all of it, and she wished Kini would leave off there. “I—”

  “No.” Kini cut her off with a shake of her head and a finger pointed in her direction that made Theo shrink back. Not because Kini would ever hurt her, but because it made her feel so very small and awful. “I know this isn’t fun to hear, and it sure as hell isn’t fun for me to say, but I’ll say it because no one else will. Even if your father or Charlotte aren’t willing to tell you the truth when you fuck up, I will. And I hope it’s clear that I’m doing this because I’m your friend, and I want for you to be more worthy of that than you are right now.”

  Theo had no response to that. Swallowed tears, regret, and humiliation choked her. When Kini didn’t say anything else, Theo tried to hide her face by turning back to putting the cover of her Jeep on so they could leave before water poured from the sky. Like the tears that were threatening to spill from her eyes. Wordlessly, Kini helped attach the last few contact points, which made her feel even worse, because even when she was a horrible little shitball, Kini was still helping her, protecting her, and she didn’t deserve it. She didn’t deserve any of it.

  When the roof was on, Kini walked away without saying another word to her, but sent Laurel and Austin over, who climbed in. The long ride back to Hanalei was quiet, and when Theo had dropped them both off and parked the Jeep in her own driveway, she finally let the tears fall.

  Never had she felt worse in her life. She’d been cruel to Bea as Kini had said, and she’d done it in front of people whose opinion she valued. How could she expect Charlotte and Jim and Kini to be friends with her if she was so awful? And if she ever heard a word of unkindness from Laurel or Austin about Bea, she’d know it was her own fault for making it clear that Bea was fair game. Ugh, she was the worst, and she felt it all the way to her bones.

  Theo wasn’t a crier. Never had been. But she couldn’t stop the waterworks that had overtaken her, so she cried and cried. Stayed in the Jeep even after it had started raining on the outside as well because she couldn’t bear for her father to see her like this and have to explain to him what had happened. The thought only made her cry harder. Kini was right, so right, and she could have been far meaner in pointing it out, and maybe would’ve been right to do so. Because, yeah. She hadn’t thought about the effect of her words at all before she’d said them, and now that she’d taken the time to appreciate the full consequences of what she’d done? Badly done was about as nice a thing as could be said for her behavior today.

  Chapter Nineteen

  After cleaning herself up as best she could, Theo made her way into the house. Her father was there at the stove, already making up a concoction that smelled dreadful. Probably full of all the healthiest things he could find in their well-stocked kitchen.

  He happily went on and on about how the day in the shop had gone—he’d been busy, sold a board, signed up half a dozen people for her Beginners I lesson, reordered some of their stock that Theo had requested because they were running low. “It was a good day. I’m sure you had as nice a time on your adventure, but I hope you won’t be going that far again anytime soon. There was a story on the radio about a car crash on the highway, and it made me so worried for you.”

  “Don’t worry, Pops. Today will tide me over for a while.”

  And Theo, despite still being queasy because of what Kini had said to her, ate a whole bowl of her father’s masterpiece, not loving the taste but being absolutely determined that no matter what anyone could say about her behavior toward other people, that they would at least have to give her credit for being a good daughter. No one could find fault with her there.

  After they’d played a few rounds of backgammon, they both went up to bed, her father soon snoring loudly enough to wake the dead and Theo lying awake with Mina clutched to her chest. She kept replaying and replaying this morning in her head, and it made a maelstrom of awful in her belly. While there wasn’t a way to fix the damage that had been done exactly, she could make an effort to be a better person going forward.

  “That’s what I’m going to do, Mina. I’m going to go over to Bea’s house first thing tomorrow morning and bring her some mangoes. I will sit and chat with her and Jessica and be delightful as fuck. That’ll make things better, right? Not fixed, I know. But better.”

  Mina, unsurprisingly, didn’t answer, but Theo was pretty sure the mermaid agreed with her plan.

  In the morning, Theo was just as convinced that paying Bea a visit was the right thing to do. It wasn’t so much that she wanted to visit Bea for Bea’s own sake, although it would make her feel good to make Bea happy, but it was more so that she wanted to be worthy of the good opinion people seemed to bestow upon her. She didn’t totally understand why Charlotte and her father were as fond of her as they were, given how many times she must’ve been thoughtless, but Kini’s regard—that had to be earned. Yeah, she’d started out ahead of the game because their families had been friends since before Theo was born, but that wasn’t enough. She couldn’t coast on that forever. As someone who considered herself an adult, she needed to be more responsible for her behavior and think through the effects of her actions.

  While her face still got red when she thought of it and her stomach rioted, there was, too, a spark of something else between her and Kini. She couldn’t quite grasp or describe the whole feeling—something about it kept slipping through her fingers like warm, silky sand. It made her not quite happy, but on some level pleased or even smug that Kini thought enough of her that she bothered to correct Theo. That she saw potential in Theo to be a wonderful human being. That despite the myriad times Theo had made mistakes, she had never washed her hands of Theo but had done her best to help her and make her better.

  With Kini, Theo knew where she stood, and she knew what it took to have Kini think well of her. She didn’t have to be perfect, because god knows she’d never achieve that, but she did have to try. And be considerate and kind and generous, the very things she liked so much about Kini. In some ways, it was more reassuring than the love and affection Charlotte and her father so freely bestowed upon her, because if you never really knew why a person loved you or approved of you, then how would you know what might make them change their minds? It was the worst kind of paranoia that should only haunt a person in nightmares—and not particularly fair to
Charlotte or her father who’d never shown any signs of going anywhere—but it was a notion she’d had more than once.

  These were the thoughts that tumbled over and over in her head as she made her way across town to Bea’s house with the basket of mangoes in her arms. She knew it was too late in the morning to hope to see Kini on her way because Kini would already be kneading and shaping and mixing and baking and restocking at Queen’s. But Theo wouldn’t mind if she did run into her…not at all. Actually, she’d like to tell Kini where she was going and hopefully have Kini’s dark eyes light with that familiar approval.

  Theo didn’t see Kini, but she called her face to mind as she stood on Bea’s doorstep, trying to summon the courage to ring the bell. How many times had she been here, already checking her watch to see when she might be able to escape? And now here she was, offering contrition because she’d done something even worse.

  Ringing the bell, she twisted her hands on the handle of the basket, hoping that Bea wouldn’t turn her away. It was probably what she deserved, but it would hurt her nonetheless, and she was counting on Bea to be a far kinder person than she was.

  There was a flutter of a window shade and then footsteps that made the bile rise in Theo’s throat—please don’t let me be turned away—but she hadn’t needed to worry because Bea was at the door a few seconds later. Though Theo caught a flash of someone retreating into a room down the hall. It must be Jessica.

  Bea invited Theo into the living room, and they both bobbed and weaved their way through the clutter of Bea’s various projects until they could sit. Since Theo didn’t want to embarrass Bea by bringing up yesterday, she tried to be as kind as possible and asked about Bea’s favorite subject: Jessica.

  “She’s got a migraine right now, but hopefully she’ll be better soon. It’s so nice of you to ask, and I’ll be sure to tell her that you asked about her. It’s too bad, too, that she’s not feeling well because we have the most wonderful news to share. Stella made use of her father’s contacts, and Jessica has an offer to study at Yale. I don’t even really know what that means, but judging how excited Stella was to tell us, it must be a big deal. And Jessica is very glad, yes, very happy that she’ll be able to go to a more prestigious program, and it was so kind of Stella to help her do that. I wish Jessica were feeling well enough to tell you about it herself because she could explain why this is a big deal. I’m her slow-witted aunt who doesn’t much understand these things.”

  While this was the kind of thing that usually drove her nuts, Theo found herself actually giving a shit. She’d been thinking of Jessica more often, and without the normal peeved jealousy, but with curiosity and affection. Much of which she owed to Kini for pointing out that Jessica maybe didn’t have a ton of choices and Theo had never made an effort to give her more.

  Bea rambled on, and Theo accepted her invitation for some tea which she knew would only prolong her visit. But she was actually enjoying her time with Bea, and the woman did know how to make a good cup of tea, with honey and milk, precisely the way Theo liked it.

  Eventually it really was time for Theo to go because she had a lesson starting in an hour or so and should check in with Laurel to make sure she didn’t need any help with anything at the shop before she went out with her students.

  “Thank you for having me and for the tea. I hope Jessica feels better soon. Maybe she and I could get a slice at Jasmine’s sometime when she’s feeling up to it?”

  Bea’s face blazed with happiness, and Theo left, lighter in her step.

  Back at the shop, Theo was a bit surprised to find not only Laurel but also her father and Kini.

  “What’s this? No one invited me to the party?”

  Of course, Laurel and her father smiled at her, but Kini’s lips pinched and Theo felt the sting of her continued disapproval. She wanted to volunteer about where she’d been this morning, but that seemed to defeat some of the purpose. After all, it hadn’t been all so that Kini would think she was a good person again or so that she’d be worthy of Kini thinking so.

  “I wanted to let you know that I’m heading out in a few hours. I’m going to visit Kai and Eliza. Do you have anything you’d like me to bring for them or the keiki?”

  Oh. That was…unexpected. Kini usually made her plans well in advance. “No, I don’t think so. But who’s going to look after Queen’s? You’re not closing, are you?”

  The idea shouldn’t have been so distressing, but Queen’s was always open. Always. Except for Christmas, the shop was always open for at least part of the day. Not that Kini didn’t deserve to take time off, but it still made Theo feel unsteady, as if she were already out on her board in choppy seas instead of standing on solid ground.

  “No, of course not. Bobby’s going to handle it. I made him a lot of lists, and I cut down on what we’ll be serving. He’ll be fine.”

  “Oh. Well, I’m sure if you think he’ll be fine, he will be.” If Kini had faith in someone, it was because they deserved it. And while Kini didn’t look like she’d forgiven Theo yet, Theo had every hope that she would someday. Even if it took a good deal more work on Theo’s part, it was something she was willing to do. The reward of Kini’s smile and esteem would be well worth it.

  Kini didn’t make her goodbyes quickly enough to avoid Theo’s father’s questions about her trip: when her flight left, what airline she’d be taking, how she would be getting to Kai and Eliza’s house from the airport. “Don’t worry, we’ll keep busy here without you. Of course we’d rather have you around, but we’ll still have Jim and Charlotte and the Ashleys, and of course Bea and Jessica—Theo went to see them this morning. She’s always so nice, bringing a basket of fruit from our yard for them.”

  Theo wanted to sink into the floor from her father’s unjust praise. But since turning into Theo-jelly and slipping through the floorboards wasn’t an option, she’d have to do with flushing. She didn’t even want to look at Kini and see her reaction to this tidbit. Would she scowl because it was poor recompense for what Theo’d done yesterday? She should. But when Theo finally braved a peek, what she found was something else entirely.

  It was as though Kini had not only heard what her father had said, but had also understood from that brief glance everything she’d been feeling since the afternoon before and everything she’d done. The look would have been enough—hell, more than enough—to know that she’d been forgiven, but Kini took things a step further and reached for Theo’s hand, squeezed it, and ran the pad of her thumb across the underside of Theo’s wrist. A tiny, insignificant touch that somehow made Theo feel unsteady on her own feet. But in a nice way? Exhilarating, maybe, instead of feeling as though she were going to pass out.

  “I have to go get some things packed before I head to the airport, but I’ll be back in a few days.”

  It was spoken to the whole room, but it seemed especially meant for Theo. And while Theo wouldn’t wish that the events of this morning had happened any differently—she was glad she’d gone to see Bea, and she was happy that Kini was going to see Kai and Eliza—she did wish that she had more time to talk to Kini. Maybe bake with her, have their arms in dough up to their elbows, cut squares of pastry, or fill cups with batter. Something tactile, repetitive, that would make everything feel right with the world. Something was still off-kilter, though the most important thing had been righted. She had Kini’s good opinion back.

  She did not, however, have Jessica’s good opinion back, which was very frustrating. Theo had sent her a few texts, asking if she wanted to get together, offering Queen’s, Jasmine’s, the beach, or a drink out. But nothing, no response. Even when she went by Bea’s house later with some of her father’s special cherry almond smoothie that he swore by to get rid of headaches. But Jessica wouldn’t see her and wouldn’t even take the damn thermos, even though she’d walked it over to Bea’s.

  On the walk back to the shop, she downed the smoothie herself so at least her father wouldn’t be hurt by his offering being rejected—also, on t
he scale of things, it was one of his tastier concoctions. She also tried to come up with other ways she might help Jessica, but she was wary of being too much like Stella, who would insert herself where she wasn’t wanted because she was so certain she knew better. Of course Theo wanted to help, but she’d tame her more aggressive impulses.

  At least she could hold the small consolation of knowing Kini would approve of her actions and tried to pour the honey of her beloved friend’s approval over the bitterness of disappointment of not being liked and not even being given a chance to make amends.

  Chapter Twenty

  It was Austin’s birthday, and Theo was so irritated at him for not telling her it was coming that she was going to throw him a surprise party. They could have it at her house or maybe even at Jasmine’s where they’d had the disco party. She was excited about the prospect of it and had been making mental lists of everything to be done—people to be invited, food to be ordered, and everything else—on her way to see Jim and Charlotte.

  If Austin had thought not telling her would avoid her making a scene, he was sorely mistaken. If he’d told her, he would’ve gotten some say over how they would celebrate, but now it was all up to her.

  But once Charlotte had let her in and they’d made tea and taken seats in the living room that was now almost as comfortable to Theo as Charlotte’s old apartment had been, Charlotte had a rather grave expression on her face. Not exactly a mood for discussing a party, but hopefully now that Theo was there, whatever was bothering her would be forgotten.

  “Have you talked to Austin in the past couple of days?”

  “No, not aside from a few silly texts. But that’s actually what I’m here for. I wanted to talk to you about—”

  “Why don’t you let me go first?”