No Biz Like Showbiz

by Julie Moffett

  “Welcome to Geeks Get Some.” Stone’s voice carried throughout the studio. “Tonight we are introducing you to our new girl. The guys found her in our computer room and decided she was the girl they wanted to get to know.”

  I heard the cheering and clapping of a non-existent audience. They must be using a canned audience soundtrack.

  Jeez.

  Stone strutted around the stage as if he owned it. “She’s twenty-five and never been kissed. She likes circuits, guys with pocket protectors, and reciting the square root of Pi. A graduate of Georgetown University with a degree in mathematics and computer science, meet Lexi Carmichael.”

  The audience soundtrack was turned up so loudly I winced. Stone walked over behind me and put his hands on the chair.

  “Welcome to Geeks Get Some, Lexi. Are you excited to be on the show?”

  It was awkward talking to Stone when he was behind me. “Well, Stone, I’m not sure excited would be the exact modifier I’d use.”

  He laughed a bit too heartily. “Well, I’m looking forward to getting to know you as much as the guys are. How about you, audience?”

  The soundtrack roared and I tried not to roll my eyes.

  “But first, we need you to meet our guys. Lexi, are you ready?”

  “As ready as I’ll ever be.”

  He laughed again as if I had said the most hilarious thing in the world. I really, really wanted to smack him.

  He walked out from behind the chair, clutching the wireless microphone. “Okay, Contestant Number One is a professional gamer who likes pinball festivals and multiple-choice questions, and believes combing his hair should be optional. Meet Anson Oxlong.”

  There was noisy clapping and Stone smiled broadly as Anson walked onto the stage and climbed on the first barstool. He gave me a nervous smile. I wanted to smile back except I was so nervous my mouth was frozen in a grimace.

  “Contestant Number Two is a software engineer for a large firm. He enjoys playing the guitar, brushing his teeth with baking soda, and has a strong aversion to pixie fairies. Let’s give it up for Ray Ferris.”

  Ray strolled onto the stage as I looked at Stone with a mixture of disgust and disbelief, wondering who in the depths of hell wrote this crap. I didn’t believe for one second it was the guys. I glanced over at Cartwright and he was positively beaming.

  “Contestant Number Three is a paranormal investigator. Yes, he chases ghosts, demons and the boogeyman. He likes stargazing, poltergeist movies, and Michael Jackson. Hello, Truman Clark.”

  I closed my eyes. This was cringe-worthy stuff.

  Stone waved out a hand. “Our final contestant for the evening is a cybersecurity expert for a Los Angeles company. He is looking for a girl to join him on a mission to explore new biospheres, unravel complex computational codes, and boldly go where no fanboy has ever been before. Put your hands together for Eldrick Faston.”

  Once the guys were all on the stools, there was more clapping, and then someone called out, “Cut!”

  Stone dropped the smile and lowered the mic. “How did that go?”

  “Great.” Cartwright hopped out of his chair. “Excellent start.”

  I frowned. “Wait. Who made up that crap? I’ve been kissed before. And no one wears pocket protectors these days.”

  Stone shrugged. “For God’s sake, stop complaining and just go with it. Who cares?”

  “I care. There should be at least a minimum level of effort to make this show accurate.”

  “It’s entertainment. Accuracy is not important.”

  “It is to me.”

  A crew member walked up to the bottom of the stairs. “Okay, let’s keep going, gang.” He held up his hand and silently counted down backwards from five.

  Stone picked up the cue effortlessly. “Welcome back to Geeks Get Some. We just met our new girl, Lexi Carmichael, and four of the guys she will be getting to know better over the next few weeks. Lexi, we are breathless to see what kinds of things you want to learn about the guys.”

  I looked down at the index cards I held in a death grip in my hand. I wondered what I wanted to know, too.

  “We’re going to start by having you ask the guys some questions. Go to it, and good luck.”

  I loosened my grip on the cards and picked up the first one.

  “Contestant Number One, Anson, if I were a cupcake, what would you fill me with?”

  I leapt to my feet, holding up the card. “Wait. Cartwright, what kind of question is this?”

  “Cut!”

  Cartwright stormed over. “What are you doing?”

  “This question is absurd. I’m supposed to be getting to know these guys not talk about stupid things like cupcakes. None of us are so dense that we don’t see how you are masquerading cupcakes as a euphemism for sex. Seriously?”

  Cartwright looked about ready to say something and then he took a deep breath. “Yes, I know it all seems ridiculous, but there is a method to the madness. Trust me. We want to entertain people. I know what I’m doing. Just ask the damn questions on the cards. Seriously, it’s not that hard. Start over. Okay? Think you can handle that?”

  I frowned and then nodded. “Okay. But I’m on the record for saying this is idiocy.”

  “Fine. So noted.” Cartwright stomped back to his chair. I exhaled and read the question again.

  Anson took a moment and then answered, “Well, Lexi, I think if you were a cupcake, I’d fill you with...jelly. Lots of jelly. Or a hot dog. Yeah, I’d fill you with a great big hot dog. Ha, ha. Get it?”

  The guys all started laughing.

  I rolled my eyes. “Right. That was seriously mature, Anson. Not.”

  The guys all dissolved into laughter again.

  I slid that card to the bottom of the pile and picked up the next card. “Contestant Number Two, Ray. Tell me why dating an engineer would be exciting.”

  “Hmm...Well, engineers know heat transfer, can act with great precision, and can strip more than just wires. That good enough for you?”

  I actually laughed. “Yeah, that’s pretty good.”

  I shifted in the chair. “Okay, Contestant Number Three, ah, Truman. What was the last fun thing you did at home before joining the show?”

  “Let me think about that. Oh. Yes. I perfected my zombie escape plan because, hey, you never know when the Zombie Apocalypse will hit.”

  I gave him a thumbs-up. “Good answer, Truman. We should all be so prepared.” I relaxed a smidgen. Maybe things weren’t going as badly as I expected.

  “Contestant Number Four, Eldrick. What’s your best pick-up line?”

  “Me? Um, let me see if I can remember. Well, technically it didn’t work, so I’m not sure it’s my best line.”

  “It’s okay. Spill.”

  “Well, in my defense, I was participating in a sci-fi session of speed dating at the time. She smiled nicely at me, so I said, ‘Your mouth says shields up, but your eyes say a hull breach is imminent.’ Unfortunately, she moved on.”

  I winced. “Hard break.”

  “You’re telling me.

  “Same question, Ray.”

  “Oh, it’s my turn?” He paused for a moment. “Best pick-up line. Okay, here’s my favorite. ‘You know, girl, it’s not the length of the vector that counts, it’s how you apply the force.’”

  I groaned. “Jeez.”

  “Awesome, dude.” Truman gave Ray a high five.

  “Hey, Lexi,” said Anson. “I’ve got a good line for you.”

  “Okay, Anson. Give it your best shot.”

  He cleared his throat. “Hey, baby, looking good. Someone must have shot you with a phaser set on ‘stunning.’”

  The guys burst out laughing and I shook my head. “Okay, no more pick-up lines, guys. I beg you.”
>
  There was some more hooting and laughing from the canned audience feed. I tried to ignore it.

  I started to read from the next card and then jumped from my chair. “Wait! Cartwright, I’m not asking this question. I’ve barely met these guys. I’m certainly not going to ask one of them something so personal right out of the gate. Not to mention, I don’t even want to know the answer to this question.”

  “Cut!” Cartwright stalked back over. “I’m fully aware of the fact that it’s a highly personal question, but that’s what makes it fun. If you want to blush or giggle behind your hand while you ask it, be my guest. It would add to the flavor.”

  “What? I am so not blushing or giggling behind my hand. Seriously?”

  Cartwright sighed. “For Christ’s sake, just ask the questions. Yes, some of them are strange, some are obvious sexual euphemisms, and some are just plain idiotic. It’s like that on purpose. We can always cut the ones we don’t like, if need be. We made up a few extra questions and we’ll whittle it down take the best of the lot for the final show. Okay? Just sit down and ask the questions. Let us do the rest.”

  I blew out a breath. “Fine.”

  I sat down as Cartwright stomped back to his chair. The crew member counted down again. As soon as Cartwright indicated we were rolling, I picked up the index card.

  “Contestant Number Four, Eldrick. Where is the most unusual place you’ve ever...ah...imagined making love?”

  The guys looked at each other and murmured among themselves. Finally Eldrick asked, “The most unusual place?”

  I looked down at the card for a double check. “Yes. The most unusual.”

  “Um, let me think about that one. Okay...I’m going to go with the ear.”

  I froze in disbelief.

  Cameraman Three was the first to go down. He snorted and then erupted into a howl of laughter, abandoning the camera and falling to his knees gripping his stomach.

  The guy holding the boom mic went next, laughing until tears streamed down his cheeks. As if on cue, the entire studio exploded into howls of screaming laughter.

  I was paralyzed by incredulity.

  “What?” said Eldrick. “What’s so funny? She said unusual.”

  I saw Cartwright laughing so hard I thought he’d have a heart attack. Tony was wiping his eyes and Stone was smacking his head.

  I tried desperately to think of a way to extract poor Eldrick.

  I had to practically yell to hear myself. “Ah, Eldrick, I believe the question referred to place meaning locations. Unusual locations. Not places as in bodily orifices.”

  Eldrick’s face turned beet red. “Oh. You didn’t specify. Well in that case, I’ll go with the kitchen table.”

  The studio dissolved into manic howling again. I pressed my hand to my forehead and then stood up. “Cartwright, we can cut that part out, right? Right?”

  No one even looked my way. Eldrick hid his face in his hands. Even the other contestants were laughing.

  “Cartwright? Ace?”

  I don’t think anyone heard me. Everyone was shaking with laughter. The guy with the boom mic had managed to retrieve his equipment, but was still sniggering. Cameraman Three remained incapacitated and writhing on the floor. I wasn’t sure the show could go on.

  I reviewed the chaos around me and crossed my arms over my chest.

  I seriously needed to catch that hacker.

  Chapter Twenty

  A new dawn, a new day. Well, at least that’s what I tried to tell myself.

  Mandy was waiting for me at the makeup chair when I arrived at the dressing room. She patted the chair. “Good morning, Trinity. Are you ready to face the Matrix?”

  I stopped in my tracks and crossed my arms over my chest. “Ah, I wanted to talk to you about that. You’re not going to go all crazy on me with the Trinity makeup? I’m just not into that level of costuming.”

  Mandy wiggled a finger at me. “Trust me. Okay?”

  “Only if you promise me no weird lipstick.”

  “Weird, no.”

  “No blue or green eye shadow?”

  “Not as Trinity.”

  “Not as me or as anyone. Ever. That’s an ultimatum.”

  She sighed. “You drive a hard bargain, but deal.”

  I loosened my hands and walked to the chair. “Just in case you couldn’t tell, I rarely wear makeup.”

  “Really? Don’t worry. I’ll make it as painless as possible.”

  As I sat in the chair, she fluffed my hair. “Trinity had short black hair, so we’re going to cap your hair and put a wig on.”

  “What? A wig?”

  She patted my scalp. “Relax. We’ll put your hair up in something like a shower cap and put a short dark wig over it. You’ll be a dead ringer for Trinity. You have her tall, thin shape.”

  “Bony, you mean.”

  Mandy smiled. “Kick ass is what I mean. Remember, this is just a costume. Relax and have fun with it.”

  A knock sounded on the door. “I assume everyone is decent, correct?”

  “Come in, Ace. She’s decent.”

  Mandy smeared something cold on my cheeks. I resisted the urge to swipe at it. “I’m not sure how decent I am with this gunk on my face.”

  Mandy snorted. “Don’t be such a baby. It’s a moisturizer base. I haven’t even got to the good stuff yet.”

  I kept my eyes closed. I considered it a denial of sorts.

  Ace’s voice moved closer until I could tell he stood next to the chair. “Glad you’re up and ready to go. Okay, Lexi, today we’re filming you and two of the guys at the L.A. Comic Book Convention.”

  “Okay. I can manage that. We just walk around, look at the displays and have a good time, right?”

  “Right. But there needs to be some interaction between you and the guys. You can’t just focus on the goods.”

  “By interaction, you mean talking, right?”

  “At the very least. The rest is up to you.”

  “What do you mean by ‘the rest’?”

  “I mean you’re a grown woman. You can decide to do whatever you want with those men.”

  “Trust me, talking will be it.”

  “Okay, whatever works. Do you know what you’re going to talk about?”

  I felt a niggling of panic. “I have to plan it in advance? How can I do that if I don’t know how they’ll answer?”

  “Of course, you don’t have to plan the conversation in detail, but it doesn’t hurt to have something in mind in case the conversation runs dry. With this group, it’s a distinct possibility.”

  I thought for a moment. “Oh. Who are the two guys?”

  “Barnaby and Gregg.”

  “They were the two missing from the show yesterday. Why do they get one-on-one time when I didn’t even get to see the other contestants?”

  “Cartwright calls the shots. I don’t write the script. Just babysit the star.”

  “Very amusing. Not.”

  He chuckled. “You’ll be fine.”

  “Why do I have to go with them separately? Can’t we just go altogether as a group?”

  “No. We go with Cartwright’s plan.”

  I sighed. “How am I supposed to carry on a conversation with Barnaby when he only talks in Repercussions quotes?”

  “You’ll think of something. You’re familiar with Repercussions?”

  “Intimately. But I don’t see how quoting lines from the shows equals conversation.”

  “Go with your gut. The audience will love it.”

  “If you say so. Gregg, however, is another problem. He’s like a freaking octopus with his hands everywhere at once.”

  Ace laughed. “That guy is totally unreal. He’s genuine, however, which makes
it interesting. He has no clue he’s making an idiot of himself.”

  “I’m going to deck him if he tries anything. No kidding.”

  “Jesus. This episode is going to be spectacular. I don’t know why you need me.”

  “I’m afraid you’re overestimating my ability.”

  “I doubt it. You’ll handle him just fine.”

  I sighed. “We’ll see. I just hope I’m not making a colossal mistake.”

  An hour later my hair was beneath a tight cap and a short dark wig sat on my head. Mandy had smeared stuff on my cheeks, eyes and lips. True to her word, it wasn’t as bad as I’d expected, except for the blood red lipstick.

  “Can’t you tone the lipstick down?” I complained. “It’s really red.”

  “It’s part of the costume. It’s supposed to be dramatic, over the top. It’s perfect.”

  I didn’t argue because I figured I’d just wipe it off the first chance I had. “Okay, whatever.”

  Rena returned with the leather jumpsuit and a pair of short boots. “Go put them on.”

  I wiggled into the costume and examined my reflection in the mirror. She’d fixed the costume and I actually did look a little bit like Trinity.

  I sat on the toilet and put on the boots. They had a heel, but I was thankful it wasn’t too high. Still, I wobbled slightly when I stood up. Taking a deep breath for courage, I opened the door and walked out.

  There was silence and then Rena said. “Damn it. We need to pad her.”

  I put my hands on my hips. “What do you mean pad me?”

  “The boots look good,” Ace offered.

  Rena pursed her lips. “We’re going to have to add some padding to the front of your costume, Lexi.”

  All three of them stared at my chest.

  I stepped back and crossed my arms. “No padding.”

  Mandy cocked her head from side to side. “You’re right. I can’t see how to fix it short of padding.”

  “Did you hear me? No padding.”

  “I know you are sensitive about this subject in light of what just happened, but trust me, it will give you shape. I’ll be right back.”