No Biz Like Showbiz

by Julie Moffett

  She darted out of the room.

  I shook my head. “I am not wearing a padded bra. That’s weird, not to mention false advertising.”

  Mandy clucked her tongue. “It’s just some padding. Don’t worry. Rena will fix you up. You look pretty remarkable right now as it is.”

  “You’re just saying that so I’ll be compliant and wear it.”

  She laughed. “Maybe. But it will fill out the costume. Seriously. You make a great Trinity. Just walk with a bit more confidence. Remember Trinity was all about being kick ass.”

  “You try to be kick ass in heels, tight leather and neon red lipstick. It’s not exactly a walk in the park.”

  Mandy chuckled. “I’m sure it’s not.”

  Rena rushed back in the room with what looked like two small pieces of nude-colored foam.

  I eyed them. “What is that stuff?”

  “Padding. It’s hypoallergenic, easily removable, and sits just below the curve of your breasts to offer a bit of a push upwards. If arranged properly, it can even give you cleavage.”

  Mandy shook her head. “How will they stay in place if she doesn’t wear a bra?”

  “The jumpsuit is snug enough to hold it in place.”

  Without a word, she reached down the front of my jumpsuit.

  “Hey!” I leapt backward.

  “Hold still. I need to arrange the padding.”

  “I don’t want to wear padding. It’s worse than a padded bra, not to mention...cheating.”

  Rena stopped, waved the foam at me. “For heaven’s sake, it’s a costume. You need this.”

  I glanced at my profile in the mirror. There was nothing to indicate I had a chest at all. No curves, no bumps, no nothing. Rena was right.

  “Okay.” I held out my hands. “But I stuff it in myself.”

  “Have you ever used foam padding before?”

  “God, no.”

  “Then better leave this to the hands of a professional.”

  “Fine. But it should go on the record that I’m not happy about this.”

  Rena walked over and shoved her hand down the front of my jumpsuit. I tried not to flinch at her cold hand. She groped around for my breast and then shoved the foam beneath it. It actually pushed what little boob I had up and out, so I guess that was a good thing.

  She stuck the padding beneath the other boob. Once the pads were both in, she and Mandy began pressing and arranging until everything was symmetrical. I couldn’t decide if I were embarrassed, mortified, exasperated, or all three.

  Finally they were finished. Ace showed me something small and black in the palm of his hand.

  “What’s that?” I examined it. “Wait, a wireless microphone. Excellent.”

  He snapped it on the front of my jumpsuit. “All of the contestants wear one of these. You can turn it on and off as needed. For example, when you go to the bathroom.” He indicated a miniscule button on the side of the microphone. “But if you turn it off, you’d better turn it back on. Otherwise you’ll have to do your date all over again.”

  I shuddered. “I’ll remember.”

  “A few additional caveats. Don’t get it wet. Speak in a normal voice and don’t lose it. They’re damned expensive.”

  “Got it.”

  “You’re going to be a star.”

  “I sincerely doubt that.”

  I grabbed my purse and Ace took my arm. Together we walked into the hall where Tony was waiting.

  “Holy crap.” Tony’s mouth fell open. “You look...amazing.”

  “I’m supposed to be Trinity from The Matrix.”

  “I know. Damn. Rena and Mandy worked magic. You really do look like her.” He extended his arm. “Let’s go. The limo is waiting.”

  He led me out of a studio side door where a crisply dressed driver stood next to a black limo. “Good morning, miss.” He didn’t even blink at the fact that I wore a low-cut leather jumpsuit, dark sunglasses and boots. Guess that’s Hollywood for you.

  “Good morning to you, too.” I tried to sound upbeat instead of hot and anxious. The limo door was already open, so I climbed in.

  Tony and Ace climbed in after me. The driver closed the door as I leaned against the seat. My heart was beating way too fast and I felt nauseated.

  “Ace, I’m not sure I can do this after all. No, it’s worse than that. I don’t know how to do this. It’s like living my worst nightmare. I’ll be forced into meaningless conversation, only now I’ll have to do it in front of millions of people.”

  Ace patted my knee. “You’ll be fine. Ignore the cameramen and be yourself. You already know these guys, no surprises there. Plus, a comic book convention is cool.”

  “But I’m with Gregg and Barnaby. What in the world are we going to talk about?”

  “The show truly is unscripted, Lexi. Say whatever comes to mind.”

  “But there’s not going to be any frankenbiting. No cutting pieces of our conversation and pasting them together. What the audience sees will be the real deal. It will likely the most boring show in the history of television.”

  “It will be genuine and it will be far better that way. Look, my advice is this. Just hang with them. Get to know them better. Ask them to tell you something about themselves, something personal you couldn’t find on a resume, for example. Then tell them something interesting about yourself. The audience wants to get to know you, too.”

  I opened my eyes. “There is nothing interesting about me. Oh, God. It’s all too much to remember. Can you write that down and send it to my phone?”

  Tony sighed. “Man up, Lexi. You can do this. Remember, it’s all about the hacker.”

  “Right.” I tried not to hyperventilate. “The hacker. This is all about him.”

  “Yes. You’ve got to keep the show going and lure him into getting cocky. He’s bound to slip up and then you’ll nab him.”

  “I will. I’d better. But Cartwright is right. The sooner the better.”

  Chapter Twenty-One

  We arrived at L.A. Comic Book Convention where a mob of people still stood in line to get into the conference center. The second I climbed out of the limo, two cameras were on me from different angles. Tony and Ace faded into the background, although I they were both within shouting distance. People were beginning to look at me and a bunch of guys began screeching catcalls.

  “Hey, Trinity, walk my way.”

  “Trinity, I’ll be the One for you.”

  I ignored them and tried not to throw up. I could do this. I really could. I didn’t have to remember any lines or do anything I didn’t want to do. It was in my contract. I just had to attend a comic book convention and socialize a bit with two fellow geeks who were probably as nervous as I was. How hard could that be?

  At least I resembled Trinity. I took a deep breath, clutched my purse to my chest and began to walk toward the entrance where Tony and Ace stood wildly gesturing at me to follow. I wouldn’t have to wait in line. Guess this job did have some perks after all.

  The security guard at the entrance let us through. One of the cameramen nearly brained me as he rushed past and then whirled around to film me. I tried not to be distracted by him and looked around the conference center.

  The center was enormous, and there were already hundreds of people inside. Exhibition booths were lined up along the walls and a raised stage sat in the middle of the room. Someone stood up there now, trying to direct the crowd to various deals and events. A dark-haired young woman with a tongue ring, ten holes up the entire length of her earlobes, and a tattoo of the Star Trek Enterprise on the back of her hand pressed a brochure into my hands.

  “Looking good, Trinity. Here’s a map of all the exhibition booths and the location of the Dealer’s Room.”

  “Thanks.” I perked
up. The Dealer’s Room typically held a wide selection of collectibles for sale, including comic books, action figures, movie memorabilia and costumes. I usually came without my credit card to events like this, but today I’d forgotten to take it out and I had it with me in my purse. Maybe I’d buy just a little something to mark the occasion. Knowing the pricing on most of the collectibles, it would have to be really little.

  “Now what?” I said to Tony.

  “Go ahead. Look around. Do what you would normally do at one of these events. You’re in control.”

  I shrugged. “Okay.”

  I ignored the cameramen and stopped at a booth. It held science-fiction novels from Baen Books. I browsed through several of them, wishing I had more time to read. I was headed for the next booth when I saw a gaggle of people and two more cameramen headed my way.

  I stopped. “Uh-oh.”

  Barnaby Knipple headed toward me. He wore a nice suit, but he’d already rumpled it. His glasses were askew, and his curly blond hair had somehow resisted all of Mandy’s efforts to tame it. Some people, possibly show groupies, were talking to him and trying to get his autograph. He stopped and signed a few. But he had eyes only for me...well, Trinity.

  He walked up to me and gave the Repercussions greeting salute, which was the thumb and middle finger pressed together and the other three fingers straight. He tapped his nose first, then the lips, and last, the forehead. “Greetings, Trinity, it is an honor. You look stunning and those shades are truly spectacular.”

  I lifted the sunglasses. “It’s not Trinity. It’s just me, Lexi.”

  He smiled. “It’s all spectacular.” That’s when I noticed he had something on his other hand.

  “Barnaby, is that a sock...puppet?”

  He lifted it up and a closer examination indicated that Barnaby did indeed have a sock puppet on his left hand.

  “You made that?” I was both impressed because he had done an excellent job creating it and appalled that a grown man was carrying around a sock puppet. I examined the elongated head, oddly shaped ears and almond-shaped eyes.

  “Is that Ab’Jona from Repercussions?”

  Ab’Jona opened his sock mouth and spoke. “It is I. You are quite observant for a human. It’s an admirable quality.”

  Unbelievable. I couldn’t see Barnaby’s mouth moving. “Do you always bring a sock puppet on a date?”

  “You are actually quite fortunate, my lady. I assure you that Barnaby does not show me to just anyone.”

  “Well, that’s a relief. I think. Jeez, I’m talking to a puppet.”

  For a minute, we just stood looking at each other until I decided that I couldn’t think of a single intelligent thing to say to a sock. I took Barnaby by the arm. “Come on, Ab’Jona, let’s look around.”

  Barnaby, the puppet, the cameramen, and a small but growing crowd, followed me. I was stopped for several photo ops with Spiderman, the Green Lantern, a guy who was a dead ringer for Fox Mulder on The X-Files, and Catwoman. Finally, I wanted to browse the booths in peace, so I told the crowd that some guy from The Twilight Zone was signing autographs a couple of booths over. Everyone stampeded away, leaving us, along with the cameramen, at a booth with some bored-looking guy sitting next to a stack of photos.

  Barnaby held up Ab’Jona. “What is your commerce, sir?”

  The guy stared at the puppet. “Hey, is that Ab’Jona from Repercussions?”

  “Yes. I am Ab’Jona. Have you a question for the mightiest mind in the universe?”

  “Yeah, like when are you going to make your move on Chardonnay? Even an alien should be able to see she is hot.”

  “Ah, but women are like a fine wine. Chardonnay, pun intended, needs to come to the realization that Ab’Jona has the answers she seeks. Then she will come to him.”

  The guy thought about it and nodded. “Yeah, I see what you mean. She’s not ready for him yet. But you’d better watch out. She may end up with Cypher if you don’t make your move.”

  I couldn’t decide which was more bizarre, that someone was having an actual conversation with a puppet or that Barnaby was providing witty conversation via a sock.

  The guy held up a shot of him in costume on the set of what I presumed was the Stargate set and smiled. “So, are you guys interested in an autographed photo? I starred in a few episodes of Stargate SG-1 many moons ago. It’s only twenty bucks.”

  Barnaby thrust the puppet in my face. “My lady? Have you a wish for this man’s portrait? I shall purchase it for you if you so desire it.”

  I stepped back. “Ah, thanks, but I think I’ll pass.”

  Ab’Jona turned to the guy. “I regret to inform you that the lady declines.”

  “Yeah, I got that much.” He looked at the cameramen crowding into the booth, filming us. “Actually, I think the more fitting question is who are you two?”

  I sighed. “Just a couple of ordinary geeks. Come on, Barnaby, let’s go.”

  We left without a photo and the guy looked kind of dejected.

  After a minute, Barnaby made the puppet talk to me again. “My lady, I have a scientific inquiry for you.”

  “What is it, Ab’Jona?”

  “Are those breasts real? As one of the brightest scientific minds in the universe, I feel it is my duty to touch them to make certain of their validity.”

  I rolled my eyes. “That’s lame, especially for Ab’Jona. Please tell me you didn’t memorize that from pickuplinesforgeeks.com.”

  “Actually, pickuplinesthatwork.com.”

  “Note this in your scientific journal—epic failure.”

  “So noted.”

  We wandered around the exhibit floor for a bit, looking in the booths, chatting with the exhibitors and examining the science fiction books, comics, gaming software and upcoming films. Despite the cameraman trailing us, the crowd was so large we were able to remain mostly anonymous. Ace and Tony were nowhere to be seen. There were so many people we kind of blended in. No one seemed to notice that we were the ones being filmed, which made me really happy. Half of the attendees were in pretty wild costumes, so my Trinity costume and Barnaby and his Ab’Jona puppet almost seemed normal. I began to actually enjoy myself.

  After a while my feet began to hurt in Trinity’s boots. I hobbled over to a bench.

  “Let’s sit down for a bit.”

  Barnaby wiggled the puppet at me. “As you wish.”

  We sat there for a few minutes in silence. “Why do you do it?” I finally asked.

  “Do what?”

  “Hide behind television quotes, puppets and God knows what else you have in your arsenal? You’re a pretty talented guy. Anyone who studies theoretical astrophysics at MIT has got to have an interesting mind. Why hide it?”

  He was silent for so long I thought he wouldn’t answer. Then Barnaby lifted the puppet and spoke. “‘I am the sum parts of my existence thus far. Shaped, melded and now forced to live in a world not of my choosing. We all have our burdens, and I must carry mine alone.’”

  I smiled. “Ah, yes. Ab’Jona to Chardonnay in the episode ‘The Synergistic Effect.’ That’s actually one of my favorite Repercussions episodes ever.”

  “I am pleased that you are so familiar with my world.”

  “It’s not your world, Barnaby. It’s Ab’Jona’s. And while I’m a bit of a Repercussions geek myself, I think I’d like Barnaby a lot better, if I had the chance to get to know him. No offense, Ab’Jona.”

  “That’s illogical.”

  “Not in the slightest. You know, you’re pretty good with the ventriloquist act. I can’t see your mouth moving and you’ve got Ab’Jona’s voice nailed. If the astrophysics thing doesn’t work out, you’ve always got that voice talent to fall back on.”

  I glanced sideways and saw him smile. I stood and stretched. “Come
on, let’s go see what they have in the way of food and drink. I’m thirsty.”

  We wandered over to a side room that had a small cafeteria and some vending machines. Barnaby had forgotten his wallet, so I sprang for two sodas and a bag of chips to share. I felt sorry for the cameramen. They looked tired and thirsty, too, but I had run out of change. Big signs indicated that we wouldn’t be allowed to take food or drink out of the room, so I looked for an empty place to sit. The room was packed and no seats were available, so I motioned to Barnaby to follow me over toward a raised counter where people were standing and talking. I had almost reached it when I heard an oomph. I whirled around just in time to see Barnaby and his puppet falling. I dropped the sodas and reached toward him, but I was too late.

  One of the sodas exploded. It hit the floor just as Barnaby plowed, face-first, into a table. He bounced off, then crashed to the ground. The people at the table jumped up, shouting.

  I dropped to my knees next to him. “Oh, my God. Barnaby!”

  I rolled him over. His nose gushed blood and his glasses were askew and possibly broken, but he was conscious.

  “Hey, bud, are you okay?”

  “I took a spill.”

  “I know. You’re okay, just be still.” I tried to stay calm even as his nose spewed blood like a geyser. “Someone get me some napkins. Quick.”

  A guy shoved a bunch of napkins into my hand. I gently removed Barnaby’s glasses and pressed the napkins to his nose. Barnaby moaned, his eyes rolling around in his head.

  I looked over at a guy who had knelt down beside me. “See if you can find a doctor.”

  He took off. The blood from Barnaby’s nose had already soaked through the cheap napkins. I needed something more absorbent. Without thinking, I reached down the front of my jumpsuit and yanked out one of foam breast pads and pressed it to his nose. The bleeding slowed.

  Another minute later a young woman pushed her way through the crowd and knelt beside Barnaby.

  “I’m a doctor. Is he your friend?”

  “Yes. Well, no. Actually, I’m not sure. In the technical sense, that is.”