No Biz Like Showbiz

by Julie Moffett

  She gave me a strange look. “Do you at least know his name?”

  “Barnaby. Barnaby Knipple.”

  The doctor leaned down closer to him. “Barnaby. Can you hear me?”

  He lifted an arm. “Yes, of course, I can hear you. My ears are fine. It’s just a nosebleed. I get them all the time. I’m a klutz.”

  Relieved he was coherent, I looked up and saw Tony and Ace making their way through the crowd. I waved at them and they pushed their way to me.

  Tony seemed out of breath. “What the hell happened?”

  “He tripped, I think. His face got up close and personal with that table.”

  “God Almighty. Are you okay?”

  “I’m not the one with the bloody nose.”

  Barnaby was sitting up now, holding the pad to his nose. “Please, everyone, go away. I’m fine.” His voice was muffled.

  The doctor put a hand on his chest. “Stay down. You took a hard fall. Did you lose consciousness?”

  “No, but I wish I had.”

  “Can you track my finger?”

  Barnaby dutifully followed her finger with his eyes.

  “Okay, that’s good. Let me see that nose now.”

  She lifted the padding and examined his nose, pressing on one spot. Barnaby winced.

  She frowned. “Your nose may be broken. You should get checked out at a hospital.”

  Tony knelt beside him. “She’s right. Come on, dude. We’re going to the hospital right now. I’ve got the limo standing by. I’m not taking any chances.” He put a hand under Barnaby’s elbow and he and the doctor lifted him into a stand.

  Barnaby swayed on his feet, holding the pad to his nose. “I don’t want to go to the hospital.”

  Tony put his arm around Barnaby’s waist. “Too bad. It’s not an option. Say goodbye to Lexi.”

  Barnaby, apparently resigned to his fate, held up the Ab’Jona puppet, still safely ensconced on his hand, although spotted with blood. “‘Farewell for now. May Shangra guide you and lead you into everlasting enlightenment.’”

  I stood and hesitantly gave him the Repercussions salute.

  His eyes widened and then he smiled from behind the padding. “Hey, Lexi.”

  “What?”

  “I’m touching your breast after all.” He wiggled the pad.

  “Enjoy it. It’s the closest you’ll ever get.”

  “Ouch.”

  I smiled at my witty comeback. That kind of banter didn’t come easy to me, even geek to geek.

  Barnaby winced as he and Tony made their way out of the room. The two cameramen trailed after them.

  I let out a breath and turned to Ace. “Jeez. I can’t believe that just happened. I hope he’s okay. There was so much blood.”

  “It’s a face wound. There’s always a lot of blood when the nose gets hit. He seemed okay. Don’t worry. Tony will take care of him.”

  “I hope so. Let’s get out of here.”

  “Um, you can’t. You have another date.”

  I stared at Ace. “What? You can’t be serious. After this?”

  “Yes, after this. I’m completely serious. We’re on a strict filming schedule. We have to squeeze all your dates in on the times we’ve already arranged or we won’t make the live show on Wednesday. Gregg is already here waiting for you.”

  “I can’t possibly go another date. My first date just left with a bloody nose. I’m a mental wreck. I’ve got Diet Coke and blood on my hands and probably on my costume. Plus my feet hurt in these boots.”

  “So, you’ll wash your hands and take your boots off for a few minutes. I’ll spot-check your costume for blood. Come on, Lexi, you can do this.”

  “No, I can’t do this. I’m in no condition to go on a date, especially with Octopus Man.”

  “Gregg is harmless. You can handle him.”

  “In this condition? I can’t even handle him and his eight arms when I’m at my best.”

  Ace steered me toward the restrooms. To my surprise, he went to the Family Restroom and opened the door. He gave me a push in and then followed me inside, locking the door.

  “Hey, what are you doing?”

  “Getting you back in shape. You want to catch this hacker, right? So, suck it up. Go on these damn dates and get it over with. But first, wash your hands. I’ll spot clean your costume. You can hardly see it anyway. Blood doesn’t show up well on black material.” He grabbed a paper towel, wetted it, and began dabbing it on my leg.

  “Jeez. No hacker is worth this.” I turned off my microphone, then washed my hands with Ace trailing behind me, blotting at my knee. Once my hands were clean and dry, I removed my boots and wiggled my toes on the cool tile of the floor. “I couldn’t imagine doing this kind of gig for a living.”

  Ace laughed. “I feel the same way about computers.”

  “Computers are so much easier to understand than people. Computers are logical and purposeful. They aren’t emotional and unpredictable.”

  “Now you sound like Ab’Jona.”

  He was right, so I shut up and let him finish searching my costume for blood.

  When he got to my chest area, he regarded me with a cocked head. “Why are you lopsided?”

  I looked down at my chest. “Oh, I used one of the pads for his nose.”

  He closed his eyes. “Please tell me you didn’t.”

  “It was a medical emergency.”

  Ace sighed and held out a hand. “Now I get the breast crack Barnaby made. Give me the other one.”

  I pulled out the foam and handed it over. “They weren’t very comfortable anyway.”

  He dropped it in the trash, adjusted the wig on my head and told me to put my boots back on. I obliged and we exited the bathroom past a young mother and two kids who stared at us with wide eyes.

  “Now what?” I asked, scanning the crowd. The two cameramen straightened from leaning against the wall and began filming us again.

  “Turn on your microphone and let’s get this show on the road.”

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  I spotted Gregg and his two cameramen almost immediately. Who knew Batman was so skinny?

  Ace pushed me toward him and stepped out of the view of the cameras. “Go on. Get his attention, Lexi.”

  I half-heartedly waved a hand. Gregg rushed over, the black cape flying out behind him.

  “Holy Matrix.” He gave me a thorough once-over. “Trinity, you are rocking the outfit.”

  “It’s Lexi.”

  “Of course it is. Today, however, you are Trinity and I’m Batman. However, I’d be happy to be your Neo, if you’d like. It’s all fantasy anyway. You can take the red pill and I’ll show you just how far the rabbit hole goes.”

  I stared at him. “Jeez.”

  “That one didn’t work for you? I could have said I am a sorcerer and when I look at you, baby, I detect magic all over.”

  “Ugh.”

  He reached out to put an arm around me, but I stepped back and held up my hands. “No touching either. I’m not kidding.”

  “Hey, baby, I got it. No messing up the costume. It’s all clear.”

  “It better be.”

  Ace tossed us a couple of Cokes and we drank them without another word. Fueled by a sugar-and-caffeine rush, as well as a genuine interest in the contents of the exhibition booths, I motioned for Gregg to follow me.

  We walked through the convention hall, passing other people in costumes. A man dressed as Han Solo walked by. Gregg shouted at him, “Han shot first.”

  The guy gave him a thumbs-up.

  We stopped to browse at a booth. I glanced through a couple of super-cool, antique, exhibition-only, Avenger comic books that were protected with plastic sleeves. I wished they were
for sale but probably couldn’t have afforded them, even if they were.

  Gregg was making noises over a comic book at the end of the table, so I went to see what had excited him.

  “Look, Trinity, a Green Hornet comic book. Man, this is beyond prime.”

  I peered over his shoulder. “It’s not just any issue. It’s the first issue, dated December 1940. This was the first of a six-series run of the Green Hornet comics, based on the radio show of the same name. These are very rare.”

  “Excellent.” Reverently he set it down. “Baby, I love me a woman who knows her comic books. Seriously, Trinity, you are turning me on.”

  He scooted closer so I took a step back, wagging a finger at him. “Admire from a distance.”

  He smiled, his eyes gleaming from behind the Batman mask. “You should know I get all fired up over a woman who plays hard to get.”

  I rolled my eyes and we left the booth. We perused several more exhibitions, and even more stacks of comics, before heading for the Dealer’s Room.

  Greg touched me on the shoulder as we walked. I jumped, whirling into a karate stance. “What part of no touching you didn’t understand?”

  He held up a hand. “Easy, baby. I just wanted to know whether or not you’re going to buy anything.”

  I narrowed my eyes. “Can’t you ask that without touching me?”

  He sighed. “Working with you, it’s not easy, you know. You’re making me train you like a skittish colt. We both know it’s only a matter of time before you’re begging for my mojo.”

  “Wow. Just wow. That’s beyond gross, not to mention seriously disturbing.”

  “Just give me a try, baby. I’m virus free.”

  “Arrgh. Come on, let’s go and don’t even think about invading my personal space again.”

  The Dealer’s Room was chock full of tables with individuals selling collectibles. There was everything from action figures to DVDs to movie-set pieces. It was truly geek heaven. My pulse quickened despite the fact that I was stuck with the Batman from hell.

  “Will you look at this?” I picked up a set of three Iron Man helmets. The helmets were metal and wired. When I pressed a button, the helmet lit up with blinking lights, followed by Jarvis, Iron Man’s computer, telling me to sit down and relax a while.

  “Sweet.” I pressed the helmet again and Jarvis asked if I needed to hear the status of the weather. “I seriously wouldn’t mind having this, but it’s too expensive.” I set it down.

  “Well, it’s not sweeter than this.” Gregg pointed to a toaster that would imprint Captain America’s shield on the center of your toast.

  I examined it and nodded. “Not bad. But I wouldn’t pay four hundred and two dollars for it. I mean, really?”

  We wandered around some more and then I stopped at a stack of books and picked one up. “OMG! It’s an original, signed edition of Kevin Mitnick’s Ghost in the Wires. This is excellent.”

  I checked the price and it was in my budget. “It’s mine now.” I clutched it to my chest and headed for the cashier.

  “Shall I buy it for you?” Gregg followed behind. “I can be gallant in that way.”

  “No, thanks. I’m perfectly capable of buying my own collectibles.”

  “But it would be the manly thing to do, right? Plus, I’m loaded, and I mean that in more ways than one.”

  “Stop. Just stop. Please. I beg you.”

  “Stop wanting you? It’s not going to happen. You have the hottest multi-touch interface I’ve ever come across. How ’bout I run a sniffer to see if your ports are open.”

  I covered my ears. “Jeez. I am now scarred for life. Seriously, Gregg, give it up already.”

  “I never give up. I know that’s what you like best about me.”

  I blew out a breath and got in line. Gregg slipped in behind me.

  I turned around and glared at him. “You can’t be in this line unless you are buying something.”

  “Says who?”

  “Says me. Other people are waiting.”

  “Don’t be such a line Nazi. You just don’t want me to be in such close proximity.”

  “Guilty as charged.”

  “Too bad. I am buying something.” He held up the Iron Man helmets.

  I raised an eyebrow. “You’re buying that?”

  He nodded. “As a gift for someone special.”

  “I hope it’s not me. As much as I like that, I am not susceptible to bribes.”

  “Baby, I’m not telling you who it’s for. I’m keeping it a secret. Besides, women like a man of mystery.”

  I sighed and turned around. When there was just one person in front of me, I fumbled in my purse to get my wallet out. I swore under my breath as I struggled to get the credit card out of the wallet sleeve with just one hand.

  “Need help?” Gregg held out a hand.

  “No.”

  I muscled with it some more to no avail and then finally handed him my purse and the book. “Just hold these for a minute, okay? My credit card is stuck.”

  “Of course. Batman is always at your service.”

  “Right. Thanks.”

  Using two hands, I yanked the card out of the sleeve. I snapped my wallet shut and turned to get my purse.

  “Hey, is this your stun gun?” Gregg held it up and brought it close to his face. Unfortunately, he held it backwards, with the gun pointed directly at himself.

  “Did you just snoop around into my purse?”

  “Hey, I swear I just took a little peek and this just fell into my hand.”

  “A stun gun doesn’t fall into anyone’s hand.”

  “Hey, I didn’t mean to. Seriously. I was shifting the book and the purse and it just fell out. I thought you were joking about it.”

  “I don’t joke about stun guns. Now give it to me.” I reached to swipe it, but he lifted it out of my reach.

  “Chillax, baby. I must admit I’m fascinated. I’ve never met a woman who carried a stun gun before. Have you used it before?”

  “I haven’t used it yet, but I may before this day is over.”

  “I love it when you talk alpha to me. It’s so hot. Come and take it from me, baby.”

  He laughed and I lunged for him. Unfortunately, I wobbled on the Trinity boots and fell into him. He staggered backward and tripped, landing directly on the hand holding the stun gun. I heard the horrifying hissing sound of an electrical discharge as it went off.

  “Oooooooorgh.”

  Gregg’s eyes rolled back in his head and his body convulsed several times before going still.

  I stood there, shell-shocked, trying to get my head around what had just happened. “Oh. My. God. Gregg? Tell me you didn’t actually turn it on.”

  People stepped out of line and fell silent. I dropped to the floor and lifted Gregg’s head onto my knees, pressing my hand against his cheek. “Gregg, talk to me. Are you okay?”

  He blinked. Tried to move his mouth. Blinked again.

  “Thaaaaarrrrr.”

  Some guy shouted, “Red alert! Batman’s down.”

  People started to crowd around Gregg.

  I began to hyperventilate. “Oh, jeez. I’m sorry. I told you to give it back to me. By the way, you don’t have a heart condition I should know about, do you?”

  “Agguuuulaaaaa.”

  I patted his cheek, tried to act natural, calm. “It’s okay. You’re okay. According to the operating manual, you should be back to normal within a minute or so. The effects pass pretty quickly. Not that I know that from personal experience, but that’s what the manual says. Fortunately, I have it set it at a low stun as a precaution.”

  Ace came out of nowhere, sliding in beside me on his knees. “I go to the bathroom and all hell breaks loose.” He looked down at Gr
egg, who was still twitching. “For the love of God, Lexi. What did you do to him?”

  “I didn’t do anything. He stunned himself.”

  “No one stuns themselves.”

  “He did. I swear. He took it out of my purse. I was trying to get it back from him when he fell down and stunned himself. He was holding the damn thing backwards.”

  Ace looked first at me and then at Gregg lying on the floor. “You may be a danger to all men, not to mention society. This makes two for two and it’s only your first two dates.”

  “I repeat. This is so not my fault.”

  Gregg opened his mouth and moved his jaw around as if trying to stretch it. “Keeeeeeeew.”

  I looked at Ace. “What did he say?

  “I think he said ‘cool.’”

  “He thinks it’s cool that he stunned himself?”

  Ace frowned. “How would I know? You’re the geek. Maybe it’s a genetic thing.”

  I put my head down closer to Gregg’s face. “What did you say, Gregg? Is something cool?”

  “I kneeew...”

  I glanced at Ace. “Not cool. Knew. I think he’s trying to tell us that he knew something.” I leaned down closer. “You knew what, Gregg?”

  He smiled, but it was a lopsided one. I studied his face. His skin was stark white beneath the Batman mask and his pupils were small pinpricks. But his eyes focused on me and at least he’d stopped twitching.

  “Closer.” He barely whispered the word.

  I bent even lower. “Gregg, what is it? You knew what?”

  “I knew...you wanted me.”

  Then he kissed me.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  “You stunned one of your dates?”

  I held the phone away from my ear as Basia shrieked with laughter. “Oh, my God. That’s the funniest thing I’ve ever heard.”

  “There is nothing amusing about getting stunned. And I didn’t do it. Why does everyone keep saying that? He did it to himself.”

  “He’d rather stun himself than go on a date with you?” She exploded in laughter. Again. “Oh, God.” She gasped for breath. “When is this show airing? I absolutely cannot miss it.”

  “Basia!”