Spar

by Nikko Lee

  By Sunday morning, Tyler was anxious to speak with Jaime. It was all he could think about. The talk with Randy had assured him it was possible to train with someone even if that person had seen more of you than a karate-ka should. Tyler had to explain that to Jaime and apologize for putting him in an awkward position. With a desperate certainty, Tyler knew he could convince Jaime not to quit. If he was thinking of quitting. Jaime was the hardest person to read. Tyler had no idea what he was thinking even when they were sparring. He just couldn’t let anything happen without at least trying to speak with Jaime.

  Halfway through grocery shopping, Tyler had almost worked up the courage to call Jaime when he should have been figuring out what he needed to buy. He must have looked like a lost soul wandering up and down the aisles, pushing an empty cart and muttering under his breath what he wanted to say to Jaime.

  By the third time revisiting the produce section, Tyler was so preoccupied with thinking about Jaime, he just about imagined the man there, picking over a display of apples. When Jaime looked up, the man’s eyes moved over Tyler as if he weren’t there. Tyler wasn’t imagining him. Maybe Jaime hadn’t seen him. Only Jaime made a beeline in the opposite direction. Jaime might be able to walk away from Tyler, but Tyler wasn’t above hunting Jaime down.

  Tyler followed Jaime up and down several aisles, waiting for the right opportunity to approach him. If only he could just casually bump into Jaime, it might make the conversation easier. Jaime didn’t even pause for more than a few seconds as he grabbed whatever was within arm’s reach before moving on. Tyler tried to catch up with him by cutting over to the next isle, only to have Jaime reverse direction. Jaime was making it impossible for Tyler to run into him. If subtle wasn’t going to work, Tyler was going to have to bite the bullet and just walk up to Jaime.

  “Jaime.” Tyler doubled his pace to catch up. Jaime didn’t even miss a step but kept right on going.

  At a near jog, Tyler cut in front of Jaime, nearly colliding into him.

  “Jaime, didn’t you hear me?” Tyler frowned.

  “Oh, no. Sorry, Sempai.” Jaime spoke into his half-filled basket of groceries.

  “Just Tyler, we aren’t in uniform.” He sounded out his name slowly and tried to swallow his irritation. Jaime was already so skittish, Tyler didn’t want him to bolt for the exit.

  “How is your weekend going?” Jaime’s voice was all warm and friendly, but it never reached his eyes.

  Tyler wasn’t sure how to respond at first, but he figured small talk was at least talking.

  “Good. How about you?”

  “Can’t complain.”

  The awkward silence was even worse than the forced casual conversation.

  “I should get going.” Jaime looked around as if trying to pick the quickest route out of the grocery store.

  Tyler sighed. Nothing he wanted to say to Jaime made it further than the tip of his tongue.

  “Can I talk to you?” The middle of the local grocery store was not where Tyler wanted to have this conversation, but he knew getting Jaime alone wasn’t going to be easy. Jaime seemed intent on keeping as much distance between them as he could. “In private?”

  Jaime frowned, his eyes finally finding Tyler’s. They bore an unspoken challenge that dared Tyler to say what was on his mind right there in public.

  “I’m kind of busy today,” Jaime said.

  “This won’t take long.” Tyler swallowed his nervousness. This might be his only chance to clear the air. “I just wanted to make sure you were coming to class on Monday.”

  “Why wouldn’t I be?” Jaime’s reply was sharp and brittle. “I really should be going.”

  As Jaime started to step around Tyler, Tyler moved quickly to block Jaime’s escape.

  “Jaime, please.” Tyler was starting to feel like he’d made a mistake he couldn’t fix.

  “What?” Jaime folded his arms over his chest as if he needed to protect himself from Tyler.

  Tyler took a deep breath. As hard as it was for Tyler to talk to Jaime, he had a responsibility to make things right.

  “I just want to tell you that you are a valued student,” Tyler spoke quickly before his nerve vanished or Jaime called the security guard. “I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable in class, just because we were, ah, friendly outside of class.”

  “Friendly?” Jaime repeated the word with a different emphasis from what Tyler had intended.

  He felt as if the entire store was listening to their conversation. When a young woman with a cart filled with three small children shouting out their demands for a sugary cereal moved past, Tyler pretended to find the nearest box of whole grain granola infinitely interesting.

  “Is that it?” Jaime asked. “Is there anything else you want to talk about?”

  What could he say? Anything that involved actually talking about what went on between them would be like shining a spotlight on Tyler’s secret desires. He had just gotten used to having them. He wasn’t ready to share them with the world now, if ever. It was a phase, an experiment, not something Tyler would let define him. Sure he’d enjoyed the feel of Jaime’s soft lips enveloping him. The thought had inspired a new fantasy every night that made his body ache with fresh desire and demands for a release only Jaime could give him.

  “No, nothing.” Tyler sighed. “I just hope to see you in class Monday. We could work on some sparring if you wanted to pick up where we left off.”

  He felt like an idiot and knew he sounded just as inane.

  “I’m sure you’d rather spar with Sempai Randy,” Jaime sniped.

  Tyler stared at Jaime with an open mouth. The hostility in Jaime’s voice surprised him enough that he could only watch Jaime walk away without a single word of protest.

  * * * *

  Since karate class last Wednesday, Jaime had been doing a spectacular job of putting Tyler out of his mind. He’d cleaned his apartment. He’d gone for a jog. He’d gone out on the coveted second date with Tomas. Yet the memory of one blowjob in a parking lot lingered at the back of his brain like a stupid bug that kept smashing into a light bulb.

  Worse still was that, after a grueling, yet enjoyable hike with Tomas and a picnic with a spectacular ocean view, Jaime had hesitated when Tomas had gone in for a kiss.

  Instead of ending their second date getting to know each other on a physical level, Jaime had pulled the let’s take this slow card. He couldn’t believe the words even as they came out of his mouth. Tomas had nodded in agreement, but he had looked disappointed. Jaime tried to rationalize that taking it slow was, of course, the sanest thing to do, given his track record. But he knew the real reason he’d put the brakes on and it had nothing to do with thinking about the long term. Maybe he just wasn’t capable of anything more than a physical relationship.

  So Jaime was back to square one of not thinking about the one thing he couldn’t stop thinking about. Of course he would run into Tyler at the grocery store and Tyler wanted to talk.

  “Is that it? Is there anything else you want to talk about?” Jaime asked when Tyler had finished his bumbling attempt at what? An apology? A pep talk to make sure he didn’t quit the dojo?

  Jaime was angry enough to actually consider taking a swing at the guy. If they weren’t in the middle of a grocery store and Jaime wasn’t afraid it would end in a sparring match he’d enjoy, he might just have taken a shot. Tyler looked confused enough to let the first punch slip by.

  Instead, Jaime’s parting shot was a snarky comment about Tyler preferring to spar with Randy, which left Tyler stunned enough that he didn’t even move as Jaime walked past him.

  * * * *

  After encountering Jaime, the rest of Tyler’s shopping was accomplished in record time. He was determined to get the hell out of the store as soon as he could. Considering how determined Jaime seemed to be to get as far away from Tyler as possible, the likelihood of them running into each other again was slim. Yet Tyler still felt like nothing between them was resolved.

/>   Tyler really wasn’t sure exactly what he’d said or done to piss Jaime off. At least he’d tried to clear the air and reassure Jaime there were no hard feelings—at least not on Tyler’s part. But it seemed like Jaime had plenty of hard, maybe even hostile, feelings. Tyler could only wait to discover the fallout of his indiscretion at the next class. He vowed never to be so stupid again, no matter how strongly he felt. The thoughts and desires he had tried to keep to himself were best left hidden. They caused too much pain.

  Sitting behind the wheel of his car in the parking lot, Tyler tried to make sense of his life. Before Jaime, his life had followed a simple plan. Get an education. Get a good job. Meet a good woman, settle down, and start a family. The first two weren’t a problem. It was the last part of his life’s plan that seemed to always elude him. It wasn’t from lack of opportunity. Even though Tyler had gone from one girlfriend to the next, the relationships never went the distance. Now he was beginning to wonder just how much he had wanted those relationships to become something more when he was never willing to make the one compromise those women had always wanted. Maybe he should have skipped karate class to see Jenny.

  A sudden tapping on the passenger side window ripped Tyler from his thoughts of self-doubt. What now? Some old lady waiting for his spot? Tyler was surprised to see Jaime standing there with a sheepish look on his face.

  “Can we talk?” Jaime mouthed the words from the other side of the glass.

  It took a few seconds for Tyler to convince himself he wasn’t going insane. Finally, he unlocked the door and Jaime scooted into the car.

  Jaime sat staring straight ahead at the parking lot as shoppers walked by, hands laden with filled plastic bags or overflowing carts. The hostility that had surrounded Jaime like a shield in the store was gone. The last time they were sitting in the car together it had led to something Tyler was convinced was the biggest mistake of his life.

  “I’m sorry.” Jaime said suddenly.

  Jaime turned to face Tyler. There was something so vulnerable about the guilt in his face. Despite Jaime’s hostility in the store, Tyler was struck with the urge to comfort and protect him. But Jaime didn’t need either from Tyler, whose first duty right now was as Jaime’s sempai. Maybe they could be friends in time. Although given the way Jaime was acting, Tyler was convinced there couldn’t be anything more between them.

  There was some comfort in that thought. Tyler doubted he would let his desires for another guy surface again. He could push those thoughts to the back of his mind only to be explored in private fantasies. So why did he feel like he was being dumped for a second time in one week?

  “This is all my fault.” Tyler said. “I should have been more professional. I don’t want things to change in class.”

  Jaime lowered his gaze and smiled while staring at the dashboard. A faint blush rose on his cheeks. “I’m sorry I was such an ass in the store. I’m not sorry for going down on you. Are you?”

  Tyler wanted nothing more than to see Jaime’s eyes as he spoke. They never lied about what Jaime was feeling. That was probably why he kept them hidden behind his long bangs most of the time. They were like a shield Tyler had wanted to break through since the first time they had sparred. The sparring had helped. Although now Tyler wondered if it was more the friendship and acceptance. With one selfish act, he had undone everything he had been trying to accomplish.

  “You got so weirded out in class,” Jaime said.

  “You were avoiding me.” Tyler had to resist the temptation to reach out and lift Jaime’s chin. He needed to see those eyes.

  Jaime nodded but kept his eyes downcast.

  “You aren’t the first straight guy I’ve been with.” Jaime sat back in the passenger seat. While his eyes remained fixed on the people walking by a world away, Tyler could at least catch a glimpse of Jaime’s veiled gaze. “It doesn’t have anything to do with love or affection. It’s all about sex. For something that straight men say they don’t do, there are a lot of them that get hard at the thought of a man stroking them or sucking them. Some will even go all the way.”

  Jaime’s words weren’t doing anything to help Tyler’s concentration. His mind reeled from locking away his desires for Jaime away to visualizing Jaime poised behind him, ready to penetrate. Even if Tyler didn’t want to think of those thoughts now, he knew forcing them away would only strengthen the hold they had on him.

  “It’s all good in a dark alley or car parked at a rest stop,” Jaime said. “Most I don’t ever see again. If I do run into them again, there is no trace of recognition in their eyes let alone acknowledgment of what they’ve done. By ignoring me, they could ignore part of themselves. So when you didn’t even talk to me in class, I figured you were like them. That’s fine. It’s not my place to judge. Being openly gay isn’t easy.”

  Tyler’s masculinity insisted he spout the refrain “I’m not gay,” but he fought the impulse so Jaime would keep talking.

  “I swear I’m not going to tell anyone.” Jaime smiled and finally turned to face Tyler. “I’d still like to be your friend.”

  For a moment, all Tyler could do was stare into Jaime’s brown eyes. When he let his defenses fall away, Jaime’s strength of character was undeniable.

  * * * *

  By the time Jaime had finished filling his basket with the items on his list, he had run the gauntlet of emotions. For all the anger Jaime felt, he knew the real source wasn’t Tyler but his own desires for something he couldn’t have. It saddened him to realize he was actually making the situation worse. There was no reason to hold a grudge against Tyler when the man had done nothing wrong. And if Jaime was going to have any chance of opening up to Tomas, he knew he needed to let go the foolish thought that he could ever be with Tyler again.

  When Jaime saw Tyler sitting in his car in the parking lot, he knew he to clear the air as much for his own sake as Tyler’s. It was clear the guy was suffering.

  Jaime hadn’t realized how easy it was going to be to just talk to Tyler. Maybe it was all those evenings training together and sparring. Jaime realized just how much he trusted Sempai Tyler, more than he had any other man he’d had a one-night stand with. If only he was gay, Jaime might have asked him out on a second date.

  “I don’t regret it,” Tyler said suddenly.

  He looked at Jaime with such intensity, Jaime couldn’t look away as much as he wanted to hide his reaction.

  “I’ve thought about little else since then.”

  Jaime wanted to pinch himself. He couldn’t suppress a smile that started on his lips and stretched all the way down to his toes. “Is that all you’ve thought about?” Jaime asked before he could stop himself. The urge to flirt with Tyler was irresistible. Then he remembered he was supposed to be putting that night behind him and looked away. “Sorry, bad habit. I’m a horrible tease.”

  What was he doing? Just because Tyler had thought about what happened didn’t mean he wanted it to happen again. And yet that’s exactly where Jaime’s brain and his anatomy went. With one hint of encouragement, Jaime was ready to jump all over Tyler. There was something about him and the closeness that had developed between the two of them that Jaime found irresistible. It was wrong. Worse, it was trouble. Why couldn’t Jaime feel so breathless when it came to Tomas?

  “Were you jealous of me sparring with Randy?” Tyler asked.

  Jaime bit his lower lip and decided to be honest even if it meant another rejection. “Yes.”

  As much as he tried to fight it, Jaime wanted Tyler. He was going to have to be honest with himself if he was going to work through his feelings. Avoiding it only made him resentful. Maybe he just needed to face it head on.

  “But don’t worry,” Jaime turned back to look at Tyler, “I’m not some crazy gay stalker. You were upfront with me about what you wanted, and I really don’t sleep with a guy more than once. It’s one of my rules.”

  “Technically we haven’t slept together, yet.” Tyler said that last word so softly Jaime wasn�
��t sure he heard right until he saw Tyler blushing.

  “That’s true.” Jaime’s voice trailed off as his mind filled with possibilities again. This wasn’t helping him get over his crush.

  They stared at each other for what felt like an eternity. Jaime didn’t want the moment, so charged with sexual energy, to end. Tyler looked to be running his own calculations and Jaime didn’t dare hope they included the two of them naked. Jaime was prepared to deal with his crush, but he was more than happy to give into it even if only for one more encounter. He hadn’t made a commitment to Tomas. They had just started dating and Jaime wasn’t sure he even wanted to be tied down to one man just yet.

  “Seems unfair that only I got off,” Tyler said.

  Jaime looked around the busy parking lot. This was hardly the place to do whatever it was Tyler had in mind.

  “If we went back to your place, I’d leave if it got weird or you changed your mind.” Jaime prayed he wasn’t misinterpreting what Tyler was getting at. Although he would fully understand if Tyler took a swing at him.

  “Why do you think I’ll change my mind?”

  “Because you aren’t gay.”

  Tyler smiled and laughed.

  Chapter 10

  As Tyler drove back to his apartment with Jaime following in his car, he replayed in his mind what had just happened over and over again. His emotions were on a roller coaster but his body knew exactly what it wanted.

  Friends? Yes, that was agreed upon. And Tyler couldn’t help but see there could be something more once Jaime reassured him he hadn’t made the worst mistake of his life. Then Jaime started to flirt with him, and Tyler knew this was an opportunity he couldn’t pass up.

  The partial erection Jaime had sparked was now raging with the possibilities of how he would get Jaime off. Tyler was so distracted he nearly missed the driveway to his apartment complex. He pulled up to his building, and Jaime parked beside his car. Jaime met him at the door to his building with a wolfish grin on his face. The transformation when he let his sexuality shine was exciting in itself. As much as it aroused Tyler to see Jaime eager and willing to indulge his desires, he had to force some blood back to his brain.