Relative-ly Speaking

by Karen D. Badger

Cat visibly relaxed. Then, in her naturally logical way, she said, "If we had met sooner, you might not have had Seth. As much as I love you, Billie, he is definitely worth the time we had to wait to find each other."

  Now it was Billie's turn to become teary-eyed. Blinking rapidly, she nodded her agreement and then lowered her forehead to Cat's. "We may not have had Tara or Skylar, either," she added, soliciting a nod from Cat.

  Billie rolled onto her side, bringing Cat along with her. She settled in on her back and held her wife close to her chest while both women gathered their emotions. Moments later, Cat lifted her head and looked at Billie.

  "Sweetheart, as much as I would love to cuddle the entire day away with you, we did promise Mom that we'd help her pick out wedding invitations today," Cat said.

  Billie groaned. She hated shopping.

  Seeing Billie's grimace, Cat chuckled. "Come on now. We did promise," she reminded her.

  "Was I drunk or something when that promise was made?" Billie asked, hoping for an excuse to back out.

  Cat slapped Billie gently on the belly. "Nice try, big guy, but you're not getting out of it! If I'm stuck, then so are you!" she exclaimed good-naturedly.

  "But, but..." Billie whined.

  "But, nothing! After all, Dylan is your brother!" Cat pointed out.

  "And Drew is your sister!" Billie countered quickly.

  "You're right. So we're both stuck," Cat said, grinning.

  "Aarrgghh!!! I can't win, can I?" Billie whined, throwing her hands up.

  "No, you can't, so quit yer bitchin' and deal with it!" Cat laughed.

  Billie raised her eyebrows into her hairline. "Oh yeah?" she said, refusing to go down in defeat. "Well, deal with this!" she shouted as she launched an all out tickle attack against Cat, reducing her to a helpless surrendering mass in a matter of moments.

  Cat laughed so hard that she developed a severe case of hiccups. "B...hic... Billie, stop! Hic... Please!" she begged as Billie continued her assault.

  The sound of the phone caused Billie to stop as Cat scampered to answer it before the caller hung up.

  "Hel...hic...lo?" Cat managed to say as Billie lay on her back chuckling.

  "Caitlain?" said the voice on the other end of the line. "Caitlain, is that you?"

  "Mom? Hic," Cat replied, jumping to her feet while grabbing her nightshirt from the bed. It suddenly occurred to Cat that her mother had the power, even over the phone, to intimidate her into covering up her nakedness.

  "Caitlain, are you all right, dear?" Ida asked.

  "I'm...hic...fine, Mom. Re...hic...really. Just a case of the hic... hiccups," she explained.

  "I've got just the remedy for you, dear. Put a pencil between your teeth then take a drink of water and gargle," Ida suggested. "It works for me every time."

  Cat looked at the phone as though her mother had escaped the loony bin. "Mo...hic...Mom, I'm fine...hic. Ahh! I ha...hic...hate the hiccups!" she exclaimed into the phone.

  "Caitlain, I'm a lot older than you, and I have many more years of experience, but then again, I'm just an old woman who probably doesn't know what she's talking about, so you go ahead and do what you think is best, dear," Ida replied, a heavy silence hanging in the air.

  Cat's chin dropped to her chest. My mother should have been a travel agent specializing in guilt trips! she thought as she sighed and said, "Okay, hic...okay. Here, talk t...hic...to Billie while I get some...hic...water."

  Billie gave her wife a dirty look as she reluctantly took the phone. "Hi, Mom!" she said brightly, sticking her tongue out at Cat and making funny faces as she held the phone to her ear.

  "Billie, dear, how are you this morning?" Ida asked.

  "I'm fine, Mom. How are you and Doc?" Billie returned, disfiguring her face into another hilarious mask just as Cat attempted to gargle the water while holding the pencil between her teeth.

  Seeing the contorted look on Billie’s face was more than Cat could take. As she erupted into a laugh, her windpipe opened, inadvertently allowing water to seep in, sending her into a frenzy of coughing, water spewing from her mouth and nose. Billie looked guiltily at her ailing wife and mouthed a silent "I'm sorry" in her direction, all the while trying hard to stifle a laugh of her own.

  Hearing the commotion on the other end of the phone, Ida interjected. "Billie? Billie, is Caitlain all right?" she asked worriedly.

  "She's fine, Mom. Just a little water down the wrong pipe, is all," Billie explained. "So, what time would you like us to meet you today?" Billie asked.

  For the next fifteen minutes, Ida engaged her daughter-in-law in idle gossip and chit-chat while Cat recovered from her coughing spell. By the time Ida finally let her off the phone, she had the latest scoop on all of the neighbor's lives, as well as a meeting time and place for their shopping spree that afternoon. After saying her final good-byes, Billie made a show of peeling the phone away from her ear and placing it on its cradle.

  "God, that woman can talk! Thank you so very much my dearest wife, for sticking me with Miss Verbal Diarrhea!" Billie joked as she stood and slipped her nightshirt over her head.

  Cat approached her wife, and standing on tiptoe, met the her nose to nose. In a voice still raspy from coughing, she said, "Serves you right for making me laugh!" she said before placing a kiss on Billie's nose and backing away.

  Billie grinned. "Well, at least your hiccups are gone!" she observed.

  Cat stopped and did an inventory check of her facilities. "Hey! You're right!" she exclaimed. "I knew you were good for something!" she added, knowing immediately that she had gone too far.

  "Oh, really?!" she mused, sauntering up to Cat and backing her against the wall. She placed her hands on the wall on both sides of Cat's head. "Are you sure that's all I'm good for?"

  Cat nervously licked her lips. "Uhm...uhm. Well, I could think of at least one more thing you're good for," she teased.

  "And what's that?" Billie asked seductively, her lips hovering over Cat's.

  "Mama!" came a voice from the doorway. "I'm hungry."

  Billie dropped her chin and leaned her head against the wall with a thud. Cat peeked around Billie to observe a still sleepy Skylar standing in the doorway, rubbing her eyes.

  "Hi, baby girl!" Cat said brightly. "Why don't you go turn cartoons on? Mom and I will be right there to fix you some breakfast. Okay, sweetie?"

  Nodding her head, Skylar disappeared down the hall.

  Billie lifted her forehead from the wall and chuckled.

  "If I had a dime for every time the kids have interrupted us, I'd be rich!" Placing a tender kiss on Cat's lips, she added, "To be continued, my love," before taking her wife's hand and heading downstairs.

  ***

  "You know what, Mom? We have a pretty weird family," Seth commented as they sat around the dinner table.

  "What do you mean, scout?" Billie answered as she lifted her iced tea glass to her lips.

  "Well, Nana and Grandma are sisters, right?" he asked.

  "Yes, they are," Billie replied.

  "Then, that makes Uncle Dylan and Aunt Drew cousins, doesn't it?" Seth continued.

  Billie sent an amused glance in Cat's direction.

  "Technically, yes," Billie answered.

  "So, is it okay for cousins to get married? I mean, that's pretty redneck, isn't it?" he asked seriously.

  "Redneck?" Cat asked, sending Tara and Skylar into fits of giggles.

  "You know...redneck. The kind of person who comes from the backwoods...toothless...looks for dates at family reunions? That's kind of what happened with Uncle Dylan and Aunt Drew, isn't it?" Seth explained.

  Billie casually covered her mouth with her napkin to hide the grin that had found its way onto her face.

  "Aunt Drew isn't toothless!" Skylar exclaimed in a fit of laughter.

  Cat tried very hard to keep a straight face. "Seth, honey, you know it isn't nice to make fun of people," she said.

  "Well, isn't it?" he persisted.

  Cat wiped
her mouth with her napkin and placed it on the table beside her plate. Making a teepee with her fingertips, she looked across the table at her son. "I guess you could say that, honey," she began. "When Uncle Dylan and Aunt Drew met each other at the family reunion last summer, they realized they were attracted to each other."

  Billie coughed into her fist, trying hard to stifle a laugh as she remembered walking in on Dylan and Drew in bed together at SpireClyffe Acres last summer. Realizing they were attracted to each other was an understatement!

  Cat shot Billie a warning look before continuing. "When the reunion ended, they realized how sad they would be apart, so Aunt Drew went to live with Nana and Papa Jim for a while so she could be closer to Dylan. Before they knew it, they had fallen in love, and now they're getting married," Cat finished.

  "Cousins getting married. Yep, they're rednecks!" Seth insisted, grinning ear to ear.

  "Actually, they're a redneck and a valley girl," Tara added.

  "Tara Charland!" Cat exclaimed. "Why on earth would you say a thing like that?"

  "Get real, Ma. Sheesh, I mean, like...really!" Tara said, imitating her Aunt Drew's mannerisms and making the entire family break down into laughter.

  "Hey! Wait a minute!" Seth exclaimed loudly, drawing the attention of everyone at the table. "If Uncle Dylan and Aunt Drew are cousins, then that makes you two cousins too!" he reasoned.

  Billie and Cat looked at each other nervously.

  "So does that mean Mommy and Mama are rednecks too?" Skylar asked her brother innocently.

  Seth looked nervously at his mothers, hoping he wasn't in trouble for prompting his sister's question.

  Billie looked around the table at the tension on her children's faces, and the smirk on Cat's that she was desperately trying to hide. Reaching down, she picked up her knife from the table and started picking at her teeth with it. Sitting back, she patted her stomach and pretended to spit on the floor. Turning to Cat, she said in a backwoods drawl, "Well, Maw, that sure was a good dinner ya made. Ya done yerself proud, woman."

  Falling into the act, Cat replied, "Well, thank ya, Paw. Glad ya liked it. Best roadkill stew I ever made. Did you young'uns like it?" she asked the children.

  The tension around the table immediately broke as the kids got into the act. Seth got up from the table and pulled the waist of his jeans up under his armpits, messed up his hair, took his shoes and socks off and rolled up his pant legs, sending his sisters into fits of giggles.

  Finally, after exhausting a nearly endless supply of silliness, Cat explained in all seriousness how Ida and Laurel were indeed sisters, but in name only, as Ida was Grandma Jo's daughter, and Laurel were Grandma Alex's, so there was no real blood ties between them. So even though Dylan and Drew were cousins in name, they weren't actually related by blood, and neither were Cat and Billie.

  "Ah, shucks, Maw, I was kinda likin' being a redneck," Tara joked.

  "I'd rather be a redneck than a penguin!" Seth exclaimed.

  "A penguin?" Cat asked.

  "Yeah. I have to wear a monkey suit for the wedding," Seth whined.

  "Are you a penguin or a monkey?" Skylar asked her brother in all seriousness.

  "Well at least you don't have to wear a dress like I do!" Tara interjected.

  "Seth would look funny in a dress!" Skylar giggled.

  "Yeah? Well, you have to wear a dress too, so there!" Seth countered.

  "I like to wear dresses!" Skylar defended herself indignantly.

  "You would!" Tara exclaimed, reminding Cat of how her older sister Amy constantly picked on their sister Bridget.

  "All right. I think this discussion is over," Billie said, sensing that things were starting to get nasty. "Look, it's a great honor to be in your aunt and uncle's wedding. You should be proud," Billie explained.

  "Ah, sweetheart," Cat said hesitantly. "You have to wear a dress too," she pointed out to Billie.

  Billie's face fell as that particular realization set in. Looking at Cat, she exclaimed, "Ah, shucks, Maw, and I was hoping to wear my best bib overalls!"

  A chain reaction of laughter spread like a yawn in a crowded room.

  CHAPTER 16

  "Billie, could you come to my office please? I have something to discuss with you," Art said in a serious tone.

  "Sure, Art. What's up? Am I in trouble or something?" Billie asked, remembering the confrontation she'd had with an important client earlier in the week. He was the type of client who thought he knew more about the law than the lawyers did, and notoriously gave the firm a hard time. She had given this client some important legal advice that he was hesitant to accept, and she made it clear in no uncertain terms that he was a fool if he chose to ignore it. The meeting ended with the client stomping out of the room.

  "We'll talk about it when you get here," he replied seriously.

  Gulping nervously, she hung up the phone and took a deep breath. Damn! If that asshole causes me to lose my job… she thought, trying to put on a positive face as she walked the distance between her office and Art's. Stopping at Art's door, she took a deep breath and glanced at his secretary, who gave her a curious look. Bracing herself for the worst, she knocked.

  "Come in, Billie," Art called from behind the closed door.

  Forcing a smile onto her face, she greeted Art enthusiastically. "Hey Art! You wanted to see me?"

  "Have a seat, Billie," Art instructed as he stood and approached her.

  Billie shook with nervous anticipation as she headed in the direction of the chair Art had indicated while he shut the door firmly behind her.

  She crossed her legs at the ankles and clasped her hands in her lap as she watched Art walk over to the window behind his desk. He stood there with his back to her for several moments.

  Christ Almighty, she thought. He's going to can me. I just know it!

  It seemed like an eternity before Art finally turned around and leaned his backside against the sill, his large burly frame nearly filling the entire window. He crossed his arms and cleared his throat to speak.

  "Billie, how long have you been working here?" he asked.

  Furrowing her brow, Billie thought for a moment. "Ah, about ten years," she replied.

  Art nodded his head. "I thought so," he replied.

  A long silence fell between them...a silence Billie was having a very difficult time tolerating. After several moments, she just couldn't take it anymore.

  "Look, Art," she said, rising to her feet. "Just come out with it, okay? I know I pissed off that client early this week, so just get it over with. Just say it. Billie, you're fired. That is what you're trying so hard not to say, isn't it?" she demanded angrily.

  Art broken out into a wide grin.

  The look on his face infuriated Billie. "What the hell is so funny?" she said angrily, hands on her hips.

  Pushing himself away from the window, he walked around his desk and confronted her face to face. Placing his hand on her shoulders, he looked her straight in the eye and said, "Actually, I was going to say, welcome to the firm. I've decided to make you a partner."

  Billie was speechless, standing there, mouth agape.

  Chuckling, Art placed two fingers under her chin and closed her mouth.

  Billie stood there, wide-eyed.

  Art waved his hand back and forth in front of her face. "Earth to Billie!" he said jokingly.

  Shaking herself out of her shocked state, she just looked at Art and said, "But...but..."

  "But what, Billie? Since you've joined the firm, we have shown continuous financial growth. Your landmark case against the state for same-sex marriage several years ago brought us significant business, especially from the gay community. You are an outstanding lawyer who rarely loses a case. The promotion is totally justified," he explained.

  Billie was still numb from the surprise. "But Art, that client..." she stammered.

  "That client is a shortsighted fool. Luckily for him, he finally made the right decision after he cooled off and thought about
your advice. He called me just this morning, singing your praises for having the guts to stand up to him. That is one man I was convinced would never admit he was wrong. I think the experience humbled him. Hopefully, he'll be easier to deal with from now on," Art explained.

  Billie lowered herself into her chair and looked up into the handsome dark-skinned face of her employer. Slowly, the realization came over her as a grin spread across her own face.

  Art placed a hand on her shoulder. "The paperwork will be ready for your signature tomorrow, Billie. Why don't you take the rest of the day off and celebrate with that beautiful wife and family of yours," he suggested.

  Billie was totally incapable of responding with anything but a nod.

  Art helped her to her feet and guided her to the door. "I don't want to see you here until tomorrow, okay? Enjoy the rest of your day, my friend. You deserve it!" he said.

  Closing the door behind her, Art leaned his back against it and smiled to himself. A chuckle escaped his lips as he heard a feminine voice on the other side shout, yes! He could just imagine Billie pumping her fist in victory.

  ***

  "Cat! Cat!" Billie shouted excitedly into the room as she entered the kitchen. She was bursting at the seams, wanting desperately to share her good news with her wife. "Cat?" she called again, pausing momentarily to listen for the reply that didn't come. "Is anyone home?" she called.

  As the realization set in that she was home alone, she set her keys and briefcase on the table, and headed to the refrigerator where she saw a note attached to the door by an assortment of magnets.

  Billie, I've taken the kids into town to have them fitted for the wedding. If you get home in time, meet us at six p.m. at Applebee's in the mall and we'll have dinner together.

  Love you!

  Cat

  P. S. As long as we're at the mall, we'll get you fitted as well. Drew has picked out the bridesmaid dresses at one of the specialty shops there.