Empire of the Space Cats (Amy Armstrong Book 2)

by Stephen Colegrove

  Amy looked around the table. “Speaking of dumping things into space, where’s Nistra?”

  “The crew member is located in his assigned room,” said the ship.

  “He’s not happy about visiting a planet of several billion cats,” said Sunflower. “There’s a bit of history between sauros and us. The war and everything.”

  “Don’t mention the war,” said Philip. He winced and rubbed his side. “Don’t ever mention the war.”

  Nick hovered over the table. “You’re lucky he only kicked you!”

  “I’m afraid that he was simply lashing out in anger at the prospect of landing,” said Philip. “I happened to be the only person within arms-reach.”

  “Foot-reach, you mean,” murmured Sunflower.

  A sudden flash of yellow brightened the darkness above Tau Ceti’s atmosphere.

  “We’re under attack!” barked Betsy, and scrambled behind Philip and Amy.

  “Use your knowledge implant, you brainless twit,” said Sunflower. “That was the beam from an orbital patrol station.”

  “Shooting at us?” asked Amy.

  “Destroying an approaching asteroid. Tau Ceti is surrounded by a field of dangerous orbital debris. Let’s see … how can I explain this to the mind of a monkey? If rocks in sky fall down, many cats die.”

  Philip rubbed his chin. “Orbital weapons platforms? How many?”

  “Hundreds, all dedicated to asteroid duty.”

  “Could they shoot at us?” asked Amy. “What if they hate humans in this dimension? What if lizards rule Tau Ceti?”

  “They must really like cats, then,” said Sunflower. “All the cat soap operas coming over the comm feeds look normal. No sauro overlords in sight.” He peered closer at the holographic screen. “What? They made a fifth season of SuperCat? I haven’t even watched the second season!”

  “Permission for landing has been requested from the orbital master,” said the ship.

  Sunflower rubbed his paws together. “Now we’re getting somewhere. I can almost smell the fresh fish, the bookshops, and tea bubbling on the stove of every cafe. I haven’t been home in ages.”

  “Doesn’t the Lady give vacations?”

  “What’s a vacation?”

  Amy shrugged. “A day off? You know––a break from not working?”

  “Not to operators like me and Betsy. There’s the small matter of the billion dollars the Lady spent on implants and replacing our blood with blue goo. Until we work off that debt, no vacation.”

  “Orbital master has rejected my application to land,” said the ship. “Orbital master has requested to speak to the officer of the deck.”

  “Who?”

  Philip nudged her in the side. “That’s you, Captain Amy.”

  “Okay, sure. Put him on screen. Or she. It. Whatever.”

  A holographic screen flashed to life above navigation control and displayed a grizzled black cat with yellow eyes. A chain with a large golden seal hung from his furry neck, and the cat wore a tiny version of the seal as a piercing through his left ear.

  “Captain Armstrong?” growled the cat.

  Amy touched her forehead in a casual salute, and immediately felt like a total dork for doing it.

  “That’s me––Amy Armstrong. Commanding officer of the deck or whatever.”

  The cat blinked. “What’s the nature of your intended visit to Tau Ceti?”

  “I … uh …”

  “Tourism,” whispered Sunflower. “Always say tourism.”

  “Um, we’re just passing through,” said Amy. “Want to hang out, see some stuff, maybe do some shopping. Never been to another planet before. It’s exciting! Right?”

  The cat stared at Amy for a long moment, and then looked to his left.

  “The application for planetfall submitted by your craft lists the crew as two humans, one dog, one sprite, one cat, and one sauropod. Is that correct?”

  “That’s us. I mean, that’s my crew!”

  “I see,” said the orbital master. “Given the restrictions on sauropod visas and the extremely high power signature of your vessel, I must reject your application for security reasons. An exit vector is being transmitted now. Do not deviate from the exit vector and do not accelerate over one-quarter light speed or you will be fired upon.”

  “Aw, come on!” yelled Sunflower. “That’s the biggest pile of poona droppings I’ve ever heard. I haven’t been home in years, you boot-licking fascist lizard lover! Maybe the sauros really did win.”

  Philip covered his mouth and leaned next to Sunflower. “Don’t mention the war,” he whispered.

  The orbital master snarled, showing white fangs. “Who said that? Who’s talking? I gave an arm to the regiment, you long-haired hippy!”

  The black cat jerked down the fur covering his right arm and revealed the dull metal bones of an artificial limb.

  “Put the camera on that lizard peacenik,” he growled. “I want to see the face of that coward before I accidentally on purpose blow you out of the sky with twenty orbital cannons.” He turned to the right. “Shut up, Lisa! I don’t care how much paperwork that is!”

  Sunflower jumped in front of Amy and stood on his hind legs. “I may have overstated things a bit,” he said, paws clasped as if in prayer. “I was actually calling one of OUR crew a boot-licking fascist lizard lover. It was … uh, the dog! Dogs, right? They’re the worst and I hate them. Don’t you hate them? What I mean to say is, how ARE you?”

  Betsy ran circles around Sunflower. “What’s a fash-isht?”

  The jaw of the orbital master dropped and his yellow eyes bulged from his black, furry face.

  “Sunflower of the Western Range? Impossible!”

  Sunflower tilted his head. “Weird. Never been called that before.”

  “Really?” asked Betsy, and skidded to a stop on the invisible floor. “Sunflower isn’t your name? Can I call you Slappy? I had a friend called Slappy, but he ran away. Wait––yeah, he ran away.”

  Sunflower rolled his eyes. “Dogs, right?”

  “I’m speechless, Your Excellency,” said the orbital master. The cat gulped and rubbed the official seal around his neck. “I apologize for my stupidity in delaying your travel. Orbital clearance granted. Where would you like to make planetfall, Excellency?”

  “Cheezburger South. Much quieter than Capital Spaceport. I hate traffic and crowds.”

  “As you wish, Excellency. Please have your navigator follow the recommended atmospheric insertion we are transmitting now. I will forward news of your arrival to the capital authorities. If it pleases Your Excellency, a few extra orbits of the planet will give us more time to prepare for your arrival.”

  “Whatever works,” said Sunflower. “I don’t need a wheelchair or anything at the gate.”

  “Thank you, sir.” The eyes of the black cat filled with tears. “Forgive me for being too forward, Your Radiance, but let me be the first to say, ‘Welcome home.’”

  “Sure thing, Bob or whatever your name was.”

  The black cat dipped his head. “Candice Doodlekins, Excellency. I am forever your humble servant.”

  “Whatever.”

  Sunflower slapped the console with his paw and the screen disappeared.

  “That wasn’t weird or anything,” said Amy.

  Sunflower shrugged. “Doodlekins is a common name. Not that crazy at all.”

  “I mean how he treated you like you were famous.”

  “What did you expect? I’m one of a handful of cats on this planet that work for the Lady. Of course everyone knows me!”

  Philip rubbed his chin. “There’s something more to this story. That official called you ‘Excellency.’ That’s not a common greeting.”

  “I know what he called me because I was here and it was two seconds ago,” said Sunflower. “There’s absolutely nothing more to it, period, end of story. The rest of you can run around screaming with your underpants on your heads, but I know for a fact that everything’s okay, everything�
�s normal, and the galaxy will spin on.”

  Chapter Five

  The galaxy spun on.

  Inside the navigation room, Amy and the others had an incredible view as the blue and white planet slowly grew below their feet. During several orbits, Sunflower pointed out natural landmarks and major cities. On the dark side of the planet, the gleam of urban lights came only from the extreme north and south of the globe.

  “Nothing at the equator?” asked Amy. “It’s like a brown and tan belt.”

  The orange tabby chuckled. “Everyone lives in the north or south. Only cats that are suicidal or stupid wander below fifty degrees of latitude. Like the old saying goes: ‘fifty degrees, fifty seconds to live.’ ”

  “It’s a desert?”

  “The worst. Water boils in the open and nothing survives, not even sauros.”

  Blue ocean and swirling clouds surrounded them as the ship curved to the south pole and entered the atmosphere with a flash of orange and red. The glow of re-entry faded as the ship glided over lush tropical islands and blue seas. Beaches covered in white sand passed below and the ship flew over a continent of thriving agricultural lands, vast fields of wheat, tiny red farmhouses, lakes reflecting the sun, and evergreen forests. The countryside gave way to vast, orderly suburbs and straight roads covered in tiny dots. Here and there, the peaked yellow roof of an Asian-style temple towered over the grid of streets and houses.

  Amy squinted at the roads. “Are those cars? Cats drive cars?”

  “You say that like it’s impossible,” said Sunflower.

  “A formation of twelve atmospheric craft are vectoring toward us,” said the calm voice of the ship. “Bearing twenty-three degrees, velocity nine hundred meters per second, weapons powered up.”

  “That’s not good,” said Philip.

  Betsy giggled and rolled on the invisible floor. “Sunnie’s in trouble!”

  “I am not, you idiot,” hissed the cat. “The Lady paid off those loans.”

  A rectangular hologram appeared out of thin air in front of Amy. On it flew a formation of black jets with stubby wings.

  “Your wishes, my Lady?” asked the ship.

  “Call them,” said Amy. “See what they want.”

  “As you wish.”

  Nick flew circles around the group. “It’s a trap! They’re going to kill us and I haven’t even lived!”

  “More time won’t change that fact,” murmured Sunflower.

  “Shut up!”

  The holographic projection changed to a pilot in a bright blue helmet and oxygen mask. The pilot pulled down the mask to reveal the whiskers and white fur of a long-haired Persian cat.

  He touched a glove to his helmet. “Commander Patricia Lee of the Royal Blues. We would be honored to escort His Excellency’s craft to planetfall. Shall we guide you in, captain?”

  “Yes, thank you,” said Amy.

  The formation of fighter jets split apart and roared past the nose of the White Star. All turned in a synchronized vertical loop and lined up on the port and starboard of the silver, barracuda-like ship as she sped over the urban landscape.

  Philip shook his head as he watched the escorting fighters. “I think we’re in a spot of trouble.”

  “Don’t be a spoil-sport.” Amy spread her arms wide as the streets and houses sped below the clouds. “This is fantastic! It’s like we’re flying.”

  “We ARE flying,” said Sunflower.

  “You know what I mean. It’s LIKE we’re flying, not that we’re inside a ship that happens to be flying.”

  “I’m flying inside a ship that’s flying,” squeaked Nick, her dragonfly wings buzzing.

  Amy pointed at a clump of skyscrapers on the horizon. “Is that Cheezburger?”

  “All of this is Cheezburger,” said Sunflower. “That’s the downtown financial district.”

  “I see a lot of cats,” said Betsy, his tail wagging. “Cats, cats, cats!”

  “Of course. This is the capital.”

  Philip pointed down. “Betsy means on the port side. Look there, far below us.”

  “I don’t see what you’re talking about,” said Sunflower. “All I see is the landing field at Cheezburger South. Somebody needs to clean it up, too, because it’s covered in trash.”

  “That’s no trash,” said Amy.

  Sunflower’s green eyes widened as the landing field grew larger and larger.

  “Holy Saint Mittens and his three legs,” whispered the cat.

  It was as if a hurricane had sucked up the entire population of the city and spit them into a single point––the open concrete plain of the spaceport known as Cheezburger South. A vast, multicolored host of cats covered the five square kilometers of the landing field, lined the roofs of the terminal and neighboring buildings, clogged the streets and highways, and surrounded the gigantic spheres of parked spacecraft like ants around fallen Christmas ornaments. A wide circle in the crowd of cats was the only available space to land, and the ship dropped slowly toward it.

  “Sunflower,” said Amy. “Is there anything you want to tell us?”

  “RA-ther,” said Philip.

  The orange cat grabbed his twitching tail. “I, uh … probably a music festival? Maybe a movie star in the landing pattern? Is that his ship behind us?”

  “I don’t see anything,” said Amy. “Hey, look at those banners. The movie star’s name is Sunflower, too.”

  As the ship descended closer to the cheering cats, signs with Sunflower’s name and furry orange face waved and bobbed in the midst of the crowd.

  “Apparently this cat is the spitting image of you,” said Philip.

  Sunflower covered his eyes with his paws. “Oh, no.”

  “Sunnie’s a movie star!” barked Betsy. “Can I have your autograph?”

  “I’m not a star, I’m not famous, I’m not anything! This is the biggest case of mistaken identity in the galaxy. We’ll clear it up and have a good laugh about it later.”

  Betsy tilted his brown and white head. “Not famous? But you said––”

  “I know what I said! I’m famous small ‘f’, not big ‘f’! This is a hero’s welcome, a celebration for a king, and I’m none of those things.”

  Philip nodded. “Honesty trumps sarcasm, at last.”

  “Prepare for planetfall,” droned the ship.

  Amy glanced down at the chairs around the navigation console. “How? These don’t have seat belts.”

  Philip shrugged. “Perhaps we should hold hands? Group hug, as you Americans say?”

  “Kum-ba-ya and all that crap,” said Amy. “If you just want a hug, Philip, you can tell me. I’m a big girl.”

  “We’re gonna die!” howled Betsy.

  The terrier shot away at a run and collided head-on with the “invisible” wall of the navigation room.

  Amy sucked air through her teeth. “Ouch. That had to hurt.”

  “Quite so,” said Philip, and put an arm around Amy’s waist. “Shall we get back to the possibility of hugging?”

  Amy pushed his arm away gently. “No touching in front of the cats.”

  “No bodily contact or physical restraint is required,” said the warm voice of the ship. “Warning of planetfall is given so that crew have time to finish a beverage, freshen up their appearance, or have a dental cleansing.”

  “My makeup!” screamed Nick.

  The tiny sprite buzzed out of the navigation room like a frantic hummingbird late for the prom.

  Amy stared at the mass of jubilant cats below her feet. “Sunflower, Sunflower. What are we going to do with you?”

  The orange tabby groaned and held his furry head.

  “Either we’re in a rather nasty spot of bother, or we’re not,” said Philip. “There’s no use blubbing about it, so I say we take it like a man and walk out with our chins high.”

  “You just used about fifty different idioms in those two sentences,” said Amy. “And I think you mean ‘take it like a woman.’ ”

  “No, you mean
‘take it like a cat––whiskers straight and tail high,’ ” said Sunflower. “You monkeys speak English like a brain-dead goldfish.”

  “Goldfish can’t speak!”

  “Exactly.”

  Amy laughed. “Ha! There’s the Sunflower we all know.”

  The orange tabby trotted to the hatch. “You two lovebirds can stay here and make silly faces at each other all day long. I’m going to the airlock to change out of this disgusting uniform. There’s a real city waiting out there, and real civilization!”

  SOOKA BLACK paced on all fours in front of the battalion of cat soldiers. At the end of each turn, the nervous cat glanced up at the sky and the knife-shaped craft dropping toward him. The strange design reminded him of the story about a cat named Damocles with a sword hanging over his furry head, and this did not help Sooka Black’s anxiety.

  The packed line of Life Guards behind him stood on their hind legs with their backs straight, tails down, rifles on their shoulders, and red berets on their fuzzy heads. Behind them and on all sides of the circular landing zone, a vast multitude of cats had turned out to see the landing. The sound of their cheers created such a deafening, oceanic rumble that Sooka could honestly believe it was the entire population of Cheezburger.

  Sooka grimaced as he trotted in front of the Life Guards, a black cape flapping over his back. His brown fur was covered with a tortoiseshell pattern and not a few white hairs, almost all of which were because of silly events like this one. Another case of mistaken identity, another scrounger trying to pass himself off as the Emperor, another schemer to drop off in the wastelands.

  “Cats and dogs have more chance of living in peace and harmony than the Emperor coming back,” Sooka murmured under his whiskers. “He’s not going to fall out of the clear blue sky, you know.”

  The vast multitude of cats cheered even louder as the silver spacecraft glided down to the landing zone, and gasped and hooted as a dozen pairs of landing legs sprouted from the bottom of the hull, long talons spread like a giant hawk reaching for her prey. Instead of murdering everyone and causing general chaos as Sooka hoped would happen, the landing claws touched and spread on the concrete. The silver barracuda settled with a burst of steam, like a sigh at the end of an exhausting journey.