A Penny for Your Thoughts

by Bess McBride

  The moment was shattered by the ringing of her phone inside the nightstand. Penny froze. The phone!

  Matt raised his head and stared at her.

  “Where’s your phone?”

  “In the nightstand,” she whispered. “It could be my mom or Travis.”

  “Let’s find out,” he said grimly. He sat up and opened her nightstand drawer. The phone rang insistently, and he handed it to Penny. She glanced at the caller ID. The area code showed a local Alabama number with no name. She held it out to Matt.

  “I don’t know who this is.”

  Matt nodded. “Answer it.”

  Penny swallowed hard and opened the phone.

  “Hello?” she asked in a throaty whisper.

  Chapter Twelve

  “Penny?”

  “Who is this?”

  “It’s Kevin. You told me to call. I was wondering if you wanted to go get some dinner with me tonight. My grandparents are playing bingo tonight, so I’m on my own. Whaddya say?”

  Penny’s eyes flew to Matt, and her face burned as she writhed under his scrutiny.

  “Penny?” Kevin’s voice rose an octave.

  “Hi, I’m here. Just a minute, Kevin.”

  Penny covered the phone. “It’s Kevin.”

  Matt stuffed his hands in his pockets. “So I gathered,” he said with a raised eyebrow. “You forgot to tell me you gave him your new number.”

  She winced. She had forgotten. “I did. I forgot.”

  Matt eased out a heavy sigh as if he’d been holding his breath. “Well, you’d better talk to him. It really doesn’t look like you’ve changed much.” He moved away and left the bedroom.

  Penny’s stomach flopped as she watched him walk out.

  “Penny? Are you there? Is someone there with you?” “I’m sorry. Yes, I’m here, Kevin. I can’t. I’m sorry. I just can’t.” She tried to fight back a sob.

  “Oh, well, shoot! I’m sorry to hear that. If you change your mind, give me a call, okay?” He gave her his cell phone number, but she barely listened.

  “Bye, Kevin.”

  Penny shut the phone before she heard his farewell. She stood up on shaky knees and crossed over to the bedroom door. Matt stood in the kitchen staring transfixed at the coffee pot.

  “Matt. It’s nothing. He’s just a kid I met.”

  Matt turned toward her and crossed his arms as he leaned against the counter. Gone was all trace of the loving man she’d just kissed.

  “You know, Penny, we went through this before. It’s one of the reasons I didn’t ask you to marry me. I wasn’t sure you could be faithful.”

  “I was never unfaithful to you, Matt Williams!” she shrieked.

  He gave her a hard stare. “I don’t think you were, Penny, but who knows how it might have been down the road for us. You flirted a lot.”

  She wrung her hands for a moment. He was right not to trust her. Her youthful efforts to make him love her had been full of impetuous and immature mistakes.

  “I know I did, Matt, and I tried to explain why the other day. I know how silly I was when I was young. I just wanted you to love me so much you’d say, ‘No more. I’m jealous, and I don’t want you to flirt with anyone.’ But you never did...and rightly so. I tried to manipulate you, and I lost.” Her voice broke.

  Matt stared at the white tile floor near his feet. He pressed his lips together, and Penny recognized the look. He wasn’t going to discuss it any more. He would walk away within minutes.

  “Please don’t leave, Matt.” She had no pride when it came to him. All her years of schooling in psychology failed when it came to Matt. She couldn’t understand herself, and she couldn’t understand him.

  Matt glanced at his watch, and Penny cringed. The inevitable would occur. It always did.

  “I’ve got to get to work, Penny. We’re still working on the bank job, and I’ve got to make some calls to Cliff and to Michigan.”

  Matt moved toward the door, and Penny stepped forward with her hands outstretched.

  “Matt, please talk to me.”

  He turned and looked at her for a moment with a blank expression. “I don’t know what to say right now, Penny. I loved you so much back then, but you couldn’t just let us be together in peace. You had to try to stir everything up.”

  “I’m not doing that now, Matt. I’ve grown up! I’ve changed. Kevin just called and asked if I wanted to go to get something to eat. He’s staying with his grandparents. They went out. I told him no.”

  Matt gave her a crooked smile and turned toward the door. “Well, that’s up to you.”

  Penny blinked. He sounded so distanced. Short of throwing herself between him and the door, she couldn’t prevent his leaving.

  “I’ll talk to you soon, Penny. Call me or the station immediately if you get any more phone calls.”

  “Matt, please--” The door shut quietly on her plea and her outstretched hands.

  She dropped her hands and turned away from the door with a constricted throat. Her chest felt tight, and she forced herself to take deep breaths as she made her way to the bathroom. She shed her nightgown, turned on a hot shower and stepped into the steaming water. She raised her face into the full force of the water and relished the stinging of the spray against the hot tears that poured down her face. It helped to distract her mind from thoughts of Matt.

  Perhaps it was time to go home...wherever that was. Michigan seemed at once lonely and frightening. Travis was gone, but her stalker flourished there.

  Maybe she should return to Montana, to curl up on her mother’s couch and eat homemade soup while her mother fussed over her. Penny ran her hands through her hair. That hardly seemed fair to her vibrant and busy mother.

  Where could she go? Where could she run to hide from the pain of loving Matt? She’d run to Europe once long ago, afraid to stay with a man who loved her. Penny sank down onto the floor of the tub.

  Afraid to stay with a man who loved her... What a strange thing to say. What was so frightening about being loved? She pulled her knees to her chest and buried her face on her hands. She culled every book on psychology she could remember, but no reference material seemed to have the answer for her now.

  Penny raised her face and allowed the water to rain on her face. Love. Loss. The end of love. The thought turned her cold though the shower continued to steam. She was afraid of love and loss, and had always been. Her father died when she was sixteen, and her husband left her for another woman. Love terrified her. It seemed easier to run from it than to stay and look it in the eyes...or the eyes of a man who loved her. By leaving Matt so many years ago, she controlled when and how it would hurt. If she had waited for Matt to leave her, she would have had to bear the pain of a heartbreak she could not fix.

  Penny relaxed and raised her face to the rain of her shower. Control. It was about control...something no one really had. She lingered in the shower until the water began to run tepid, reviewing some of the choices she’d made in life.

  After what seemed like an hour but was probably only fifteen minutes, Penny thought she’d better get her hair washed and shampooed before the water turned frigid. Cleansed and relaxed, she turned off the shower and toweled dry before facing the mirror. She gave herself a watery grin and had a chat with her image.

  “It’s up to you to change your life. It’s quite likely you will never have control over anybody or anything, so you might as well lighten up and try to take life as it comes.”

  Penny dropped her lecturing finger with a rueful grin, picked up her comb and dragged it through her matted hair. She contemplated taking a nice, long walk on the beach, relaxing in her chair, then perhaps an early dinner, some television and bed.

  Tomorrow was the beginning of Mardi Gras. She intended to hit every parade within a twenty-mile radius. The local paper showed one every day in various towns throughout the area. And apparently, she would be going alone. But that was okay. She was a big girl. She gave herself a thumbs-up in the mirror, flashed h
erself another cheesy grin and returned to the bedroom to get dressed.

  An hour later, Penny relaxed in her small beach chair while she watched the activities along the shoreline. There seemed to be an unusually large amount of people on the beach for February, and she attributed the population growth to the upcoming Mardi Gras parades and festivities. Several silver-haired men flew kites while others kept vigil at fishing rods staked in the sand. Couples and families strolled the length of the beach; a festive atmosphere filled the air.

  Penny leaned her head back, closed her eyes and soaked up whatever vitamins the sun was prepared to offer. The sand warmed her feet as she lazily dug her toes into its sugary softness. A gentle Gulf breeze blew against her cheeks and ruffled the curls of her hair. She drifted in and out of drowsiness as she basked under the toasty sun.

  “Good morning, Penny.”

  Penny almost jumped out of her seat. Cliff stood beside her, dressed in casual khaki shorts and a polo shirt. She straightened in her chair and peered up into the sun at his towering figure, one hand shading her eyes.

  “Hi, Cliff.”

  “How are you this morning?” He regarded her with a somber face that hinted of uncertainty.

  “I’m fine. And you.”

  “Good.”

  Cliff lowered himself to sit on the sand beside her. He rested his elbows on his bent knees and stared out to sea.

  “Cliff...” Penny had to know.

  “I know, Penny.”

  “Know what?”

  “What you’re going to ask.”

  He fell silent. Penny surreptitiously studied his profile. His light blue shirt flattered his tanned skin. Sunlight glinted on the silver strands in his hair. His bare legs were lean, muscular and athletic. His shirt heaved when he sighed once again. When it appeared as if he would say no more, Penny pressed.

  “About what you said last night? I didn’t know what to think. It sounded so strange.”

  “To tell you the truth, Penny, I feel pretty strange.” He kept his face averted.

  “I don’t understand.”

  “No, I know you don’t.” He slid a sideways glance in her direction, and then quickly looked away. Penny wasn’t sure how to proceed. She couldn’t relax the knot in her stomach.

  “Why would you hate me?”

  “I don’t hate you.”

  “But you said--”

  He held up a hand and turned a sheepish eye toward her. “I know what I said. I should have kept my mouth shut. We would all have been better off.”

  “What are you talking about, Cliff?” Penny leaned forward in an effort to read his face.

  “I can’t believe our paths crossed. Who would ever have thought?” Cliff returned his gaze to the sea and shook his head as if in wonder.

  “What are you talking about? I don’t understand.”

  Cliff directed a glance in her direction. His pressed lips and set jaw gave his face a distant, almost angry look. Penny regarded him with unease.

  “I don’t know if you remember me telling you I went back to Michigan a few months ago?”

  Penny shook her head. Her breathing grew shallow. A growing sense of dread seized her.

  “Well, I saw you there. I couldn’t remember who you were when I first met you here, but I knew I had seen you. It came to me soon enough. I saw you at the funeral. You were crying then, and that’s why I didn’t recognize you the other night.”

  Penny jerked away and stared at him wide eyed.

  “Jerry was my brother.” Cliff turned away and fixed his eyes ahead, shifting as if he were uncomfortable.

  “What?” Penny wondered if she’d heard correctly.

  “Jerry--your client--was my brother.” Cliff began an almost imperceptible rocking as he clasped his hands around his knees.

  Penny jumped up and stared down at him. “Cliff! H-how is that possible? I don’t understand.” She paused to drag in some air. “How can that be? The odds of running into you down here... You don’t have the same last name.”

  Cliff rose slowly. He towered over her, and Penny unconsciously backed up. Anxiety, shame, remorse and guilt all played havoc with her nerves. He looked like he was going to hit her.

  “Different fathers,” he murmured.

  “I-I’m sorry, Cliff. I didn’t know,” she whispered. A cold sensation spread throughout her body, and she wrapped her arms around her torso.

  Cliff put his hands on his hips, appearing more menacing still. He stared at her with narrowed eyes.

  “No, I know you didn’t. But I knew who you were when I first met you down here.”

  “Why didn’t you say something? Why did I have to tell you about Jerry as if you didn’t know?” She backed up another step.

  He tightened his lips and shrugged. “I wanted to hear it firsthand. I wanted to know what you’d say.”

  Penny threw a quick glance over her shoulder. The beach was wide open. She could run for it if she needed to. “You should have told me, Cliff.” She caught her breath as a thought occurred to her. “Does Matt know?”

  “No, he doesn’t know.”

  “Oh,” she said, now at a loss for words.

  “I just didn’t know what to say when I found out who you were. I still don’t. Jerry and I haven’t seen each other in years, but we have...had a bond...because of our past...our parents.”

  She studied Cliff’s face as if seeing him for the first time, looking for a resemblance. “I’m so sorry, Cliff. What Jerry shared with me was...” Penny fought to steady her voice. Jerry’s tales of abuse and neglect still haunted her. “Horrible,” she finished inarticulately.

  Cliff’s hollow chuckle held no humor. He looked away out to sea. “That’s a good word. Horrible.”

  “Have you ever had counsel-- I mean have you ever been to see a therapist?”

  Cliff jammed his hands in the pockets of his shorts and shook his head. “No, I don’t believe in that stuff.”

  “Oh!” Penny reared back at the comment. “I’m sorry.”

  “That was for Jerry, but I don’t think it ever did him any good. He killed himself, didn’t he? So what good did it do him?” The bitterness in Cliff’s voice cut her. But perhaps he was right. What good had it done Jerry? She remembered some of the hours they’d spent together in session.

  “I don’t know, Cliff. He was happy sometimes. He needed someone to talk to.”

  “Yeah, he probably did. Once we left that house, I never talked about the past again. Jerry wanted to talk about it, but I ignored him. Then I moved down here, he stayed in Michigan, and I didn’t see him very often.”

  “I’m so sorry, Cliff.” Penny wanted to reach out and touch Cliff’s arm in a gesture of comfort, but his forbidding posture and grim face sent a chill up her spine. Where had the friendly man she’d met disappeared to?

  “Thanks.” Cliff glanced at her quickly and looked away. “I blamed you, you know. Long before I met you. Before I even saw you at the funeral. The police called me. Found my address at Jerry’s apartment. I knew you were his therapist, and I blamed you. They told me Jerry was on the phone with you when he shot himself.” A muscle worked in Cliff’s cheek, and Penny wondered just how angry he could get.

  “Yes, he was,” she said quietly. “I called him after a session. I can’t even remember why now. Oh, yes, I know. He’d left something in the office. And that’s when he said he was going to kill himself. I don’t know what happened between the time and he left and when he got home. The session had gone well. He left in a fairly good mood. I called the police while he was on the phone, but it was too late.”

  He turned to face her. “Why did he do it?” The raw emotion in his voice tore at her heart.

  “I don’t know, Cliff. He had a lifelong history of depression. You must know that. Even when he smiled or joked, he had an underlying sadness that never went away. Medications didn’t seem to help him much in the long run. He’d talked about killing himself before, and we had him hospitalized, but this time, he took
me by surprise. He hadn’t mentioned suicide in months. I thought finally...” Penny’s voice broke.

  “I can’t believe he survived my parents only to let them win. They got their way in the end. He’s dead.” The bitterness in his voice echoed his words. “Not that they’ll ever know. They both died some years ago.”

  “But you seem...” Penny trod lightly. “You seem remarkably well adjusted for having gone through what you must have, Cliff.”

  He gave her an unreadable look and turned away. “Do you think so?”

  “I do.”

  “I got out of the house before Jerry. He had a year alone with them. I never went back...not even to help him.”

  “I’m so sorry, Cliff.”

  “Yeah. That might explain why I seem so ‘well adjusted’ and Jerry didn’t. It got much worse for Jerry after I left. He forgave me for leaving, but I never forgave myself. Never.”

  Penny finally gathered the courage to lay a gentle hand on Cliff’s arm. He jerked at her touch and dropped his eyes to her hand before raising them to her face. Moisture pooled in his eyes, and she saw his pain.

  “How can I help, Cliff?” She could feel the tension in his rigid body, his determination to maintain control of his emotions. She glanced around the festively crowded beach. It seemed incongruous for such a poignant conversation.

  Before she knew it, Cliff pulled her to him in a tight embrace and buried his face in her neck. Startled, she resisted for a moment before she felt the shuddering in his body. She realized he cried silently into her hair, and she wrapped her arms around him while he grieved, whispering occasional words of comfort while they stood together on the beach.

  After a few heart wrenching minutes, his grief spent, Cliff raised his head and gave her a shaky grin. He dashed the back of his hand against his red-rimmed eyes, shoved his hands back in his pockets and turned from Penny to look down the beach.